Chapter 10: Marcus

*tw: attempted suicide

Marcus laid in bed, mind churning. After his first attack towards Camilla, he planned to lay low for a bit. It's been a couple months since then and he was aware of the probing that Camilla had been doing, trying to figure out who found that information.

He imagined that there would be intense scrutiny within the company to figure out if anyone was leaking information. Let then worry over that, spend their time looking for a mole while he would wait for an opportunity.

His company was doing much better than this time around in his last life. Of course it was attributed to the knowledge he had gained. Part of it was knowing when and where the next big thing was going to happen, but also understanding his audience. Adrian became his chief reporter on the ground and Marcus took over his administrative duties and was able to hire a couple more people to fill in positions he couldn't manage alone.

It was going well.

At the office, Marcus downed his second coffee of the day, trying to stay awake. It was becoming more difficult to fall asleep at night, the thought of dreaming keeping him awake. Sometimes it would be about her death, sometimes his own. But the ones he wanted to avoid the most were those about Vivian.

There were bad dreams, where he would wake up in a cold sweat, dreading the effects of his actions against her. Then, there were the good dreams. The dreams that he wished would never stop, but always ended with tears leaking from the corners of his eyes.

So his solution was just to not sleep. Was it the best solution? No, but there was nothing else he could do. Besides, he wouldn't be able to sleep anyways if he woke up from something like that. Marcus was starting to appreciate the taste of coffee. Maybe he should get a machine for his apartment.

"Marcus! We have a chance!" Adrian strolled into his office, throwing the door open.

Marcus lifted his head from the back of his chair, "Camilla?"

"I heard last night that they created a scene in a high end restaurant. Apparently the CEO tried to blame the restaurant for his daughter's allergic reaction but they had proof that he was responsible, so his reputation is taking a bit of a beating right now." Adrian laughed, "Imagine forgetting your own daughter's allergy." He opened his phone and turned the screen towards Marcus. "Look at all these memes people have made."

Marcus cracked a smile, "Perfect. I'll start now."

"Are you going to wait for a payout again?" Adrian studied Marcus, propping his elbow on the desk.

Marcus shook his head, "This is going to stay up." He typed furiously, "I'll do that with some lower level stuff. But the situation now is perfect for this information."

Adrian sat up straight, "The thing I found where he tried to stop his daughter from being allergic by forcing her to eat shrimp because of some 'our family can have no weaknesses' bull that he was on?"

"Uh huh." Marcus was focusing intently on the screen. "Done. And now we wait."

He leaned to the side and tossed his coffee cup in the bin.

"Still having problems sleeping?" Adrian watched Marcus in worry. "Dude, this is kind of concerning now. It's been what, three months since you guys broke up?"

"About that long." he mumbled. Three month, six days, and about 17 hours since.

"You need to move on." Adrian said, "I don't know what happened between you two, but from what my brother tells me, Vivian is fine. You shouldn't even be worrying about her with the state you're in."

"That's good to hear." Marcus had already accepted this was how it was going to be for him. It was just his punishment for how he was in the past.

Adrian threw his hands in the air helplessly, "Why are you being like this? You're like a completely different person."

Marcus shrugged, his suit jacket slipping off his shoulders.

"You know what?" Adrian stood up, "I'm tired of watching you suffer like this and you won't even do anything about it or tell me anything. Find me when you're done moping around and willing to work on your problems." He slammed the door to the office and Marcus could hear him storming down the hall.

"Fuck." Marcus ran his fingers through his hair. How was it that he always screwed up?

When he got home, having left the office early, he slouched on the sofa and stared out the window. The sky dimmed, then darkened. Sitting in the shadowy room illuminated only by the lights outside, Marcus reflected on himself.

Why was he brought back to life again? His existence didn't seem to improve anyone's life.

Vivian was hurt because of his actions. Adrian was hurt because of his lack of action.

He could never do the right thing.

A low grumble came from his stomach. Marcus pressed a hand to his abdomen, unable to summon an appetite. Still, he knew he needed to eat and walked over to the kitchen.

The clean counters, untouched stove, and nearly empty fridge stood there as if taunting him. Marcus had avoided coming in here as much as possible, ordering takeout when he did eat. He took a breath and stepped in.

There must have been something wrong with him for banning Vivian from the kitchen in their own house. Stopping her from getting a job might have made an inkling of sense, but there was no justification for him to stop her in the privacy of their home. That was irrational.

He eyed the knife stand that was resting next to the sink.

That day, the day Vivian died, he had come home when the chef had texted him. She was worried that Vivian might try something as she had been looking at the knives. Marcus was annoyed but came home anyways, since he wasn't going to risk Vivian trying anything dangerous on herself.

After he confirmed that she was fine, he didn't bother pushing anything further and left Vivian to her own devices. Then it turned into just another mistake on his ever growing list.

Marcus approached the stand, slowly dragging out the knife. The blade flashed in the moonlight and he was momentarily reminded of their initials carved on the willow tree. Those were simpler times.

What if he could go back?

It worked once already, who's to say it won't work a second time.

Gripping the blade in his hand, Marcus pressed it to his wrist. The knife was trembling.

Would this hurt as much as the car? A bead of blood appeared on his pale skin and dripped down the side of his arm.

He bit his lip at the sting. No one would miss him, the world was probably better with him dead. He was useless, pathetic. A cowardly fraud.

Vivian, who was deceived into believing he was a better partner than he became.

Adrian, who saw his confidence when he felt anything but.

His parents, for thinking that he was a filial son, when his next action was definitely not.

Marcus jerked up, knife clattering to the floor. If he died now, who would his parents rely on?

He sank to the ground, clutching his throbbing wrist. The veins in his arm pulsed, a reminder of his fragile life.

Burning hot tears leaked from the corner of his eyes. It was a stark contrast to the cold numbness of his fingertips.

Shoulders heaving as he gasped for air, Marcus fumbled for his phone in his pocket. Pressing the first number he could think of, it rang for a few moments before getting picked up.

"What?" Adrian snapped, "Are you finally ready to talk?"

Marcus opened his mouth, but the hiccups impeded his ability to talk.

"Where are you?" Adrian's tone went sharp, hearing the soft sobs. "Are you alright?"

"Apartment." he mumbled, breath hitching, "Please."

"Ten minutes. Give me ten minutes."

Marcus nodded, forgetting that Adrian couldn't see him.

"Here, I'll stay on the phone with you until we get there. Noah is coming too. That good with you?"

"Yeah." Marcus croaked, his nose stuffy

He leaned back against the counter, closing his eyes and letting the soft noises drift out from the phone speaker. Adrian's voice sounded occasionally, making sure that Marcus was still on the line.

Exactly ten minutes later, Adrian barged his way in and found Marcus still sitting on the kitchen floor, knife laying by his foot.

"Oh my god." Adrian dropped the keys and plastic bag he was holding and rushed towards Marcus.

Marcus offered no resistance when Adrian wrenched his hand from his wrist to examine the damage.

"Noah, can you get the first aid kit? It should be in the bathroom somewhere."

"Yeah, of course."

Marcus had stopped crying by now, but the unmistakable redness was still on his face. Limp, he followed Adrian as he got pulled up and led to the couch, where Noah had placed the first aid kit.

Adrian helped him disinfect the cut and carefully wrapped it in gauze while Noah unpacked the plastic bags onto the coffee table.

"We got some take-out for you in case you were hungry." Noah said, laying out a food box. "And some medicine to help you sleep. Plus a bunch of candy." He set everything down neatly.

"Thank you." Marcus said hoarsely.

"Why would you do something like that?" Adrian asked.

"I thought everyone would be better without me." Marcus muttered, "I always mess up whatever I do."

Adrian scowled, "How can you think that when the company has been doing so well because of you? Your dad is able to get treatment because of you."

"I know it's irrational."

"Have you considered seeing a therapist for this?" Noah piped up. "I don't have my PhD yet so I can't help but I could find someone for you."

"I should." Marcus sighed. "Everything is just complicated."

"Want me to ask my brother if Vivian is free anytime soon so you can get some closure?" Adrian offered.

"No, no. I don't want to bother her. She's trying to move on." Marcus shook his head vehemently.

"I'm sure she'll understand. You can't be so selfless all the time. It's destroying you." he pleaded.

"I'll think about it then." Marcus said. He was still hesitant on contacting Vivian again, but Adrian was right. He had to move on as well to be able to do better for those around him.

Adrian let out a long breath, "I'm glad you're opening up to getting better now."

Noah nodded in agreement.

Marcus's stomach rumbled again, causing Adrian to shove the box of takeout into his chest.

"Eat." he demanded.

"It feels weird if I'm the only one eating." Marcus complained.

Adrian reached for the candy on the table, "Here, we'll eat with you."

Marcus smiled.

They ended up staying the night, distracting Marcus from his thoughts and chasing away the nightmares. It was going to be terrible going to work the next morning.

"Can I go in late tomorrow?" Adrian mumbled, fighting back a yawn. HIs arm was loosely draped around Noah, who had already fallen asleep leaning against him.

"Ask your boss." Marcus mumbled.

"You're my boss."

"Oh. Right. Yes." Marcus said, "Goodnight." He stumbled back to his room and passed out.

The next morning, Adrian woke up before him, complaining so loudly about his sore neck and how Marcus mistreated his guests that it invaded his dreams. When Marcus woke up, his dream distorted him so much he tried to walk through Adrian.

"Oh you're finally up." Adrian turned around from the couch where he was channel surfing when Marcus came out of the bathroom. "Noah already went back. He had an early class today."

Marcus winced, "I'll have to apologize to him sometime. Yesterday was not the best circumstances to meet him under."

Adrian waved a hand airily, "It's fine. He insisted on coming anyways. I hope you didn't mind?"

"Of course not." Marcus trusted that Adrian wouldn't bring anyone that he didn't trust into his home when he was in a vulnerable state. "He's very kind."

"I know." Adrian's face flashed with a dreamy look before it turned to smugness at the compliment. "I picked him well."

Marcus yawned, "I'm surprised he went for you though."

"Hey! I'm a catch, okay?" Adrian pouted, "You're just jealous."

"Maybe." He shrugged, turning on the electric kettle.

Adrian blinked, "Huh, I didn't think you'd say that."

"I think it's time for me to start being honest with myself." Marcus poured a packet of instant coffee into a mug, "Want any?" He held up the coffee for Adrian.

He wrinkled his nose, "No thanks. I'll pick some up on the way to the office"

"Let's get breakfast too." Marcus said, "I have nothing in my fridge."

"Yeah, that's something that needs to be fixed." Adrian studied him from the couch. "I'm glad you called last night."

Marcus nodded, not really wanting to remember the events of last night, "Thanks again for coming over."

"It's what friends do." Adrian said simply, "Drop me by my house first before we go to work though because I need to change my clothes." He gestured to his wrinkled clothing.

"Alright." Marcus grabbed his keys. "Let's go."

A week later, he finally scheduled an appointment with the help of Noah, who found him a therapist and helped him get squeezed into their busy schedule. Marcus found it hard talking about his thoughts to someone he didn't know, while also working around the topic of his reincarnation—or time travel—whatever it was.

It became easier after a few sessions and the burden on him seemed a little less heavy. Forgiving himself for past mistakes was okay if he was going to move on from them and do better.

The bad dreams haven't gone away completely, but he was slowly stopping the antagonizing thoughts that plagued him at night.

Adrian had managed to convince his brother to talk to Vivian as a favor to him and Marcus was nervous after he learned she'd agreed.

He wasn't sure how he was going to face her after everything he went through, but eventually decided that being direct was the best.

They met outdoors this time, early in the morning when no one was around to eavesdrop.

"So what's up?" Vivian ventured hesitantly. "I only got a vague gist from Adrian."

"Well, it's a long story."

Marcus laid out everything he went through the past three months. The agonizing guilt, the intrusive thoughts, the sleepless nights. His weak attempt at suicide, and his therapy sessions.

"I know we've pretty much cut most of our ties together, but I just wanted to get things off my chest." he paused, "And this is in no way my attempt to guilt you into any sort of relation with me. I just really, really need this closure so I can move on too."

Vivian sat for a moment in stunned silence, processing. "Wow. I-I didn't know you were going through all of that."

"It's been rough." Marcus leaned back to watch the clouds drift past.

"A-are you feeling better now?"

"A bit." he replied, "Not feeling like I want to die or anything, so that's a big improvement. But it's a process."

She wavered, "I'm sorry if any of my previous words or actions made you feel that way."

"No, it was not your fault at all." he corrected, "I don't want you feeling guilty over anything. I want us both to just move on from the past. It-it's for the best."

Vivian sighed, "I despise you for making me suffer through those years, but I would never have wished for you to become like that."

"I get it." he said lightly. He stood up and turned to face her, "I guess this is it then. For real this time."

Vivian's lips tugged up in a sad smile. "It's for the best."

Marcus held out his arms tentatively and he was glad when she stepped closer, wrapping her arms around his waist.

"Goodbye."