chapter ten | a lifetime left to heal

Today was one of those rare summer days when all you can convince yourself to do is sit down and fan yourself, days where if You walk out to your car and you're already sweating. Days that make you have no motivation to do anything but take a cold shower.

I am sure most people here are used to these days but in no way am I. It was never this hot where I grew up; Summers stayed out of the hundreds and kids didn't get heat stroke. But how lucky am I that I'm stuck in a town that is going through a record-breaking heat wave!

When I set out to experience other ways of life different from my own

I did not intend for it to be this dramatic. For example, in this heat, I could walk across the road but there's a chance that my shoes might melt to the pavement. I am not meant to live in this type of heat, Too bad my van's not working. It's taking earl longer than he was expecting but he promised it would be up and running in a couple days.

"Sam, There you are," Austin says while walking out of the house.

"Hey, Austin. you look too happy right now. Did you not know we're going through a heat wave?"

"Yes, I was informed," he says smirking. Whenever he smirks it makes my stomach do flips. "In fact, I was wondering if you wanted to go to the river To cool down?"

"Yes, I'd love to! A river is exactly what I need right now" I say standing up as Jason runs out of the house.

"You're going to the river? YES! I'm in!" Jason says or actually practically screams while running towards the truck.

"I don't remember asking you" Austin yells after him.

"I don't either, and I am deeply hurt" he jokes.

"Whatever just get in the truck" Austin grumbles.

"I hate big brothers don't you Samantha?" Jason putting his arm over my shoulder as we all walk to the truck. The fact that I didn't jump this time surprises even me.

"They're the worst" I join in laughing. I have no idea what having a big brother would be like but from what I can tell it seems to be pretty nice.

"Hands off" Austin warns Jason who doesn't seem to mind, he just runs ahead to the cars while we walk. "I swear if he calls shotgun" the moment Austin finishes we hear Jason call out shotgun. "God help us" Austin ended up kicking a grumpy Jason to the back of the pickup, claiming he would never make a girl sit in the back even after I told him it was perfectly fine.

It only took twenty minutes for us to dive out to the river. As we pull up I see that we aren't the only ones to have this thought because there are other trucks and jeeps parked in the field and I can hear music being played on the other side of the trees that must be hiding the river. We climb down a set of carve in steps on a steep walkway I can now see why the boys wanted to come here. The farther down you go and the closer you get to the river the cooler it feels. There is a cove on this side of the river with rocks that people can lay on, the girls seemed to have claimed most of the spots for tanning. Next to one of the highest rocks hangs a rope swing that someone must have made years ago with a line of boys who are waiting in line to backflips off.

As soon as Jason makes it down to the bottom he runs to the water and cannon balls in, then proceeds to high five some of the guys around him that he knew. Although in a town this size I'm guessing that everyone knows everybody and I'm also guessing everyone here knows that I don't belong. All of a sudden I feel like the new kid.

"Wanna swim?" Austin asks me as we reach the bottom.

Without hesitation or waiting for him to catch up I mimic Jason and take off towards the water, "Do I ever?!"

We swim and float around for hours and The water felt heavenly. But evidently, I climbed out of the water to lie out in the sun before we had to leave. The spot I picked out was on top of a huge slab of rock that jutted out over the water. It was the perfect place to law out and watch the guys try to do more and more backflips. Someone sat down next to me and when I looked u I could see it was Austin. There's a shocker.

"So my mom mentioned you asked about my dating status" even though I wasn't drinking anything I still choked and coughed after being surprised by that question. I could practically hear his smirk through the question that was definitely not funny. Damn that wicked smile.

"That is definitely not what happened," I tell him right away sitting up. What am I thinking? He is never going to believe me. His mother probably made it sound like I pleaded to know if Austin was in a relationship when that was definitely the opposite of my intentions. I love that woman but she wants grandkids a little too much. "I had assumed you were in a relationship and she had corrected me. That is all there was."

"Why did you assume I was dating someone?" he asked finally looking down at me. Even as we sit side by side he is still taller than me, and it is infuriating.

"why would I assume you weren't?" I shrug my shoulders.

"Because I never mentioned a girlfriend and I've spent all my time with you," he tells me seriously making me want to take back my shoulder shrug.

"I thought you were only being nice."

"There is a line between being nice and liking someone," he says while looking down at the people doing flips into the water. He had said it so smoothly I almost miss that he had admitted that he has feelings for me.

"Austin-"I try to stop him but he interrupts me. I have a feeling he knows what I'm about to say.

"Look I didn't mean to tell you today, but that doesn't make it true. You don't have to say anything back and I don't expect you to return the feelings, But you should know before you leave."

"Austin Even if I stayed, it wouldn't work out"

"Why won't it?"

"Because It never has in the past." somehow I can't meet his eyes. If only he could see that I'm not the relationship type of girl, then maybe he would forget about me altogether. "I always end up ruining relationships" I whisper. I wish it wasn't true, but It was the ugly truth. Cupid and I don't get along.

In my experience, I've dated two types of guys. I've dated men who may be gorgeous on the outside but trash piles on the inside. They would treat me like dirt from the beginning so I shouldn't have been shocked when the relationship would implode. All they wanted me for was to get in my pants, and I would let them because if they were happy I was happy. I always think that maybe I can be better than my mom, that maybe I can keep my man happy and that maybe not all the men in my life will end up hurting me. Someday I need to start seeing men they way they are and not the way I want them to be. Then there are the men that I end up hurting. These are the ones that keep me up at night, I can forget about the slaps or the names the others call me but never the look in someone's eyes after I've hurt them. I know the look well, it has been my teary-eyed look for years and it tears away at me that I caused this to happen to someone else. These men are usually ones who are looking for a girl from the other side of the train tracks to get them out of their comfort zone. Sone to show off to their friends, a girl that mommy and daddy won't like. They never understood how it worked. They were always so nice, too nice for me. In the end, my personality would show, maybe they saw me as a stray kitten they wanted to save, but that was not me. And in the end, I was bad for them.

Austin is in the latter group, he is to good for me, I could never hurt him the way I would if we ever had feelings for each other. I would never forgive myself.

"Relationships and I never work out. They always end in tears." one way or another.

"Sam, You can't group all your past relationships into one pile. They're complicated. There are lots of reasons for people to break up." he says.

"Austin, you don't understand, I can't hurt you. You're one of the few good people I've had the pleasure of knowing. I know you would never hurt me; it's not in your character. But I can't promise I won't hurt you. I can not be the one to do that to you Austin" tears begin to cloud my vision and I'm praying they don't fall.

"you're getting ahead of yourself Sam." His hand covers mine and gives it a squeeze. This time I expected it and couldn't bring myself to pull away, "I have an idea, let me try something" he says

"Try what?"

"For once don't ask questions and just let me."

"I don't know-"I start to say but can't even finish before his lips are on mine. At first, I'm taken by surprise but then his soft lips move against mine and I kiss him back in this beautiful moment.

This kiss, this beautifully unexpected kiss, is making my head spin, I cannot form one rational thought with him this close to me. But I also know that right now I don't want to. My mind jumps from the taste of his lips to the smell of his shampoo and the feel of his fingers as they run through my hair. But one singular thought fights its way to the surface right as the kiss ends; I thought I couldn't ever be this happy again after a kiss like this. I will forever be craving unexpected kisses with a boy that smells like unforgettable laughter.

Austin pulls away too slowly, which I am thankful for because it gives me enough time to get used to the cold feeling on my lips.

Sense begins the rush to my head as I look up at him. All my arguments I made two minutes ago had been thrown out the window with that kiss and I scramble for some sense of stability "Why did you kiss me?"

"Because Sam, you are a terribly real person in a terribly false world and it always makes you so sad but if you could only see what I see in you, you wouldn't fight this anymore. I find you beautiful Sam and all I want is to make you happy," he whispers. He still has not moved away from me which means he is so close I could steal another kiss. "If you felt nothing when I kissed you then we can go on with our lives. But if you felt half of what I did just a second ago then you owe it to yourself to try to make it work."

"Even if it ends in a mess?" I ask.

"Even if it ends in a mess." He tells me without regret on his lips.

I still shake my head, confused. "I don't understand," I ask looking back up at him "why me? You could have any girl. One with a lot less baggage."

"To tell you the truth, it's because You make me uneasy." He tells me. Normally someone would question the accusation instead I can only laugh. Only Austin would try to use an insult as a compliment. So he continued. "You never look both ways and you never buckle your seat belt until I tell you, You jump off cliffs into the water before ever testing how deep it is, and you never warn someone before you drive off. I bet you'd run with scissors if I ever trusted you with any." he says "you're not afraid of anything. you're unlike anyone I've ever met."

All I can do is look at him. "I think it makes me pretty fun." I retorted facetiously.

"It's as if you don't care if you... I don't know."

"Die?" The way I say 'die' so nonchalantly makes me wonder how the hell anyone could ever use it in a serious sense. I slowly take a breath and then add, "I have outrun death more times than I can count just by walking. I have moved out of its line of sight, simply by shifting the way I lay the weight on my hip." I blink a few times and look down at the mess my hands are in my lap.

"That doesn't mean you have to tempt fate. You don't have to constantly be testing how your limits." He asks

"In a way I do, I have this terrible urge to be reckless," I tell him, "and I am dreadfully frightened of becoming old and having no memories at all. And I know climbing forbidden fences is wrong, so I stick to falling in love with the wrong people and falling out of metaphorical trees. I am trying to do something worth remembering. I suppose there is no logic to that, not really," I add, "only that if I bleed now, I'll have a lifetime left to heal."

"A Lifetime left to heal" he repeats going over each word slowly "if only more people lived that way."

"In the moment?" I offer.

"Yes, If more people lived life in the moment, I like to think the world would be a better place" he adds.

"If I was living in the moment right now, I'd kiss you again" wait... did I say that out loud?? Well Shit.

"What's stopping you?" He asks. And I didn't feel like slapping his smirk off this time.