Chapter 5, the stupidity

But our texting kept on and on. Months later, near the end of my collage, by the time I had become the deputy head boy (another thing I had eyed when I came back to this school). When I had made many more groups or become part of other groups, I finally fell in love again. It was the cutest creature I had ever known. She acted childish but her theories and philosophies about this world were comparable to mine. Not only that she was actually fun.

Compared to Kanza, Haya was a better person. Less complicated, less mean, less self absorbed, less selfish and more mature. I am not saying Kanza didn't have all these qualities, but Haya was even better. She could make ME laugh, a level reserved only to a few guys and professional comedians. She was nice, a bit in her own world, but I was the same. She could be the bitchiest person one moment and snap back to normal and be like, do you still like me?

Perhaps it was the unpredictability, the spunk, the fun and so many other things combined that I was utterly in love. It was a different feeling. I did not want to offend her, I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want to say no to her. I didn't even think about her in the way most guys think about girls they like, yes I do mean the disgusting way. Whenever I closed my eyes I saw her, whenever I told myself a bedtime story, it was one way or another of how if things pan out I could have her.

I imagined how it would be like to live with her, how it would feel like to hold her hand in my hand and see her smile when I woke up. Haya was not just the girl I was in love with, she had become an obsession. I was still afraid of how to tell her my feelings. I decided against ever doing it. Instead I just basked in the glory of being friend-zoned and talking to her.

She was a tad bit different from Kanza. She sometimes vanished for days, making me long for her even more. Not being with her caused me anxiety which grew every moment I spent in her absence. She could control the flow of a conversation. She actually made me feel like she liked texting me, not like I forced her. She gave me advice when I didn't ask for her, tried to annoy me, she did so many things to displeasure me (as jokes) and they just made me want her more and more. It was like I was begging to be tortured.

I have always known love was a dangerous foe for anyone. But I didn't want this feeling to end. At least I had a purpose. I wanted something from life; I just wanted her to be happy. I talked to Kanza about it. She was still my friend and she said she was happy for me, that she knew I would find someone better than her. She tried to motivate me to talk to Haya about my feelings, suggested ways on how to ask her out and what not. I didn't give her an ear. As if she had any experience on how to get a girl.

But it happened. One day, just as we had graduated from collage I got the opportunity. One of my friends Qudratullah was in town so one of my many other groups, which had 'her' in it, decided to go to a shopping mall. It is difficult for many girls in our society to get permission, especially to go out with guys, even just as friends, so with permission to go to school even Haya came. We were all seven people, fit in one memorable land cruiser.

It was Qudrat's car, it had a mini fridge which he had forgotten to empty so we all finished the lot of juices and chocolate milk he had in it. The whole ride was one joke after another, the two of us kept everyone entertained. We were like a two man army on a mission to make people laugh. That day had we gone on a stage show, we would have been hired as professional comedians. Anyway the ride was fun and we got off at a mall.

The whole gang moved around in a heard, like sheep, afraid they might get lost. Big sparkly eyes looking at all the pretty things at the air conditioned mall, I had eyes for only one person though. We even played the elevator game, where one has to climb up the opposite direction. Security had to come and stop us. It was more fun than I had ever had with my regular group. It was like a whole new world of fun and happiness for me.

We all decided to have desert before we had lunch. Most people opted for the nearest ice cream shop, while I had a certain cinnamon bun shop in mind. I went alone and got the biggest bun I could find. Haya saw me come back alone and came towards me. She hadn't bought anything yet so we sat down at the nearest table and chair conveniently placed right next to the two us, and we broke bread.

Half the group saw just the two of us, they didn't know about my secret endeavors, nor did she. But as it happens in friends, they got a chance to tease us and they weren't going to let it go by.  The scene was hilarious. Haya went red as a tomato, and her round face made her seem even cuter. Me? I just acted like I really felt; deeply in love. But my performance was so good, everyone thought I must be joking. After all the fun and games, we left the mall for a pizza.

The long wait for lunch to arrive was severely shortened by the conversation, mostly about me and her and other people annoying other people. Pizza was great, but I don't remember the taste much, just the fact I was happy. Next we went to an amusement park. The best part about living in a third world country is that the rides aren't too scary. That didn't stop me from nearly barfing on the plane that goes round in vertical circles quiet slowly.

While on the ride, I realized Qudrat, who was sitting next to me had the same problem. We both laughed our heads off that moment and had to spend 5 minutes near a bin waiting for a catastrophy to happen. Thank god it didn't. Haya however was one of those girls that liked adventure. She wanted to go on the bloody rollercoaster. She made me go too. My male pride won over my fear and I went on that ride. Thankfully the ride was short and not too scary so I could keep myself from crying while on it. My one regret was not blackmailing and manipulating everyone to let me sit next to her. I thought it was a bit too much annoyance for her that one day on that sensitive subject.

We all went to our own homes respectively. She sent a thank you text to everyone that day. It was difficult given the political situation in the country and violence in the city for us all to go out together. But on those rare occasions the girls got the permission we made the most of it. In her text she thanked us all for helping her have best time in her life.

Maybe I was still high of adrenaline due to the roller coaster, maybe it was the drunk like sensation left by fun, or maybe it was just the lucky feeling I always felt when happy, like I could do anything; it was probably the combination of them all. I texted her, "sorry about annoying you so much today, I mean it was hilarious but I think we carried it a bit too far and I played along, I know you felt uncomfortable so I am sorry". I waited for her text; she was never much of a texter. She finally replied after hours "oh don't worry about it; I know you guys were kidding". Having made up my mind, I replied "you are wrong about that, everyone else was joking about it, but I was not. I do really really like you. You make me happy and I want to be with you every moment for the rest of my life." After an exchange of a few more texts came the reply I was waiting for "I can't believe you would even be interested in me :D but I am sorry I can't break my parents trust, I can't go out with you". And my heart broke a second time