Chapter 6b, the sacrifice

You might think I am a monster, but I am no different than you. A monster like me is part of you too, he makes you selfish, he makes you self preserving and in the end, had he not existed you would never be happy or even survive the harsh world. Darn I love to speak a lot about myself; I keep forgetting I am telling you a story.

After the heartache I was feeling again, I still acted like I dodged the bullet. I convinced her (Haya) that I was still happy. I told her I was going to get over her but I didn't or rather I couldn't. I got agitated whenever she didn't talk to me for a few days. She was like a drug for me. I was happy when I had her, but if I didn't get a dose of her for more than a couple days, I was ready to exchange all the oxygen in air just to be able to talk to her until I die due to suffocation. We laughed, she cried, we had fun, I usually let sheep handle her since I am no good with fair maidens. There are two ways to approach a girl. One is the shy approach the usual approach sheep takes, the other is the bold one that I command. But too much of me is not a good thing, girls run away, girls like Kanza. Hence I let him handle her; I knew he wouldn't give her up.

We kept at it for around two years. Sometimes she got pissed off at us (read me) sometimes we made her night, by texting of course. I shared all my secrets, told her things no one else knew. Things I had told Kanza and things I had hidden even from her. Things I wasn't proud off and things I had accomplished. She did the same, we kept the relationship at a balance, except when she didn't feel like texting or was busy. It was hard to survive those days.

One day I received a text from her "Why don't you get over me already? You do so much for me, I treat you like crap and you help me like a friend whenever I need you. You even try to be less annoying and piss me off less than you like which is your real self. Why do you go through so much pain? Just leave me already". I replied "because you are worth it and I am you r bf aren't I? I mean best friend :P just so you know what I mean". She messaged "OMG! Is that the only thing you ever think of? Gaah I hate you! If you like me you have to listen to me! Stop liking me". I just laughed and told her I never said I would listen to her. Then came the golden words I thought I was never going to read "you are right you are my bf, no I don't mean best friend, I mean boy friend".

I felt like flying. I nearly did a cartwheel, until half way through it I remembered I couldn't do a cartwheel and fell from my bed instead. Asmer A Q aged 20 was finally off the market. I couldn't be happier. I mean even monsters like me can have a gf? I never thought that was going to happen. I saw my dreams of conquering the world crash and burn while dreams of having little baby Haya's in my hand made me happy. I hated babies and I still wanted them now. I guess one simple word can make a difference, this time the word was yes. The sheep and I became one. We only had one thought, one future, one route to get to it. We only wanted one thing, her happiness.

I think it happens in all relationships, the first few days are a bit awkward, where you both decide rules. Both willingly give ground to the other out of pure happiness. We feel awkward, afraid of what the world would think about us together; even if we previously used to sit together (well we didn't give it much thought). Then the world seems different, bigger, better, brighter. The first date, permission to hold hands (she flat out refused me). We discussed the future and became more regular in communication until finally we realized that these feelings had now become the norm.

The happiest year of my life started. Our country had had a surge of terrorist acts, kidnap, killings, and assassinations. Every day we got news about death. We all ignored it. We had gotten so used to it that even if our friend's relative died, we would sit in a corner and just laugh while people prayed and recited Holy Scriptures. Robbing had become as common as three leaf clovers. Even I had my cellular snatched while I was walking home alone at night. They had a gun and even I am not stupid enough to take on two men with guns, although I am sure I could have taken them.

One such day it happened. All my happiness got snatched from me. While coming home from university, someone pulled a gun on my dearest Haya's father. She and her sister were in the car. The thief demanded they give him everything they had, they all took out their cells and wallets and watches and gave it to him. The thief sneered and said "is this all you have? Don't lie to me I know you have more, give it to me or ill kill your pretty little daughters". Uncle replied "but this is all we have, I am sorry". The thief started to bang him on the head with his pistol and the guy on the motorcycle behind him started jeering "Uncle give it to us or he won't let you go in two pieces, we will make at least four hahahaha".

My love couldn't bear to witness her father getting beaten so ruthlessly. She asked them to stop, she tried to tell them, convince them with all her heart to let her father go, they only laughed. While begging with her hands held together, she accidentally touched the guy's gun. He pulled it away immediately and with fear in his eyes he shot her. For a mistake while trying to stop brutality in a robbery, she was shot in cold blood, a bullet right through her perfect forehead with brains and blood oozing out.

I didn't get to hear about it until her sister texted me after her burial. The moment I heard it rage enveloped me. I came back to my senses. I a monster had been tamed by such a feeble creature. I a monster had just lost my reason to live. Due to rage everything became dimmer, almost as though an influx of blood flow had reached my eyes. In rage I went up to Haya's house but her sister sent me away before I could ring the bell, since her parents didn't know about me and Haya. I was so confused, so angry at the world, at god, at our politicians, our terrorist groups, our police, army, rangers, intelligence forces but above all at myself; for falling in love again, not being able to protect her. I wanted to die but in our mind we both wanted something else. We wanted revenge.

We went to see her grave. How could someone kill such an innocent life? Just waste it. Was I the real monster or was the murderer? They say death takes you to a better place. I hoped she would go to her heaven, because she believed in it. I had recently lost my faith in the great being above us. If this is what god allows to take place on his earth, I was not going to hold on to him. Her thoughts ravaged my mind as the storm began to pour, so did my eyes. With my silent tears falling on the bed of flowers covering her tomb, I bid farewell to my love and finally accepted the fact that my future, the one I had thought of had been taken from me with just one twitch of a finger. I realized the importance of life that moment. Finally, slowly, with much regret I began to walk away from the grave.

Just to clear my head I texted Kanza after many years, she had tried to talk to me after it, but I had flat out refused conversation. But I still trusted her; she was still my top choice to talk to when I needed a clear head, even if I never dialed her number.  But this text wasn't to make me feel better, it was a challenge, it was just 5 words "see you in 10 years". It meant I will see her in 10 years, when she will be cursing her life. She will have accepted that refusing me was the biggest mistake of your life. With that, the idea forming in our head had completed. I was going to have complete control for 10 years. And for ten years Asmer A Q was going to vanish from the face of the earth.