Season 1 Ep 6-9
Space Force United EP 6
(Carl, Hunk, Blake, Merril, Argos, Ace,Toby,Calus, Luna,Benedict)
Hunk: FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKED
Carl: Hunk shut the fuck up!
Hunk: Do you not see that thing?!
Blake: Be ready for anything we don't know what it's capable of doing
Ace: Stand behind me ladies, I'll show you how a real man gets things done
Toby: Ooooooooooooooooooo
Carl: Hey eat a bag a dicks you prick, we were here first go be an ass clown somewhere else
Ace: I'm sorry I don't speak bitch, can you say that again?
Carl: I SWEAR TO GOD....
Merrill: HEY ASSHOLES!
*Everyone turns*
Merrill: Behold our lord and destroyer of worlds, he will be the ruin to all your pathetic.....
Argos: Actuallllllyyyyyyyyyy, can I chime in right quick sugar plum
Merrill: Do what now?
Carl: What the hell?
Argos: I don't know who you "Think" I am, but I can tell you sweetie it isn't the destroyer of worlds in that perspective
Merrill: I'm so confused
Hunk: I'm getting a vibe....
Argos: Let me be clear on something I destroy people's worlds with pleasure if you catch my drift
Hunk: Oh my God.....
Carl: HA.....I don't get it
Toby: I can't feel my feet, is that bad?
Ace: Why are you even here?
Blake: A...Pleasure Bot?
Argos: Bingo, someone get this girl a prize
Merrill: I don't understand...we were told that you granted people's wishes and granted their.....
Argos: Go on
Merrill: Darkest desires...You have got to be fucking kidding me
Argos: And let me guess, Big Papa Donald Plump wants me back?
Carl: Wait.....your....HA gross.....
Hunk: Calus sent us to find his favorite sex toy.....not destroy it.....everything I know is a lie
Blake: Well this will be an interesting after action report....
Ace: So I'm not going to get to kick some ass?
Blake: It would appear not
Carl: Sucks for you shuckle nuts
Ace: I can always kick your ass
Carl: And I bet you could
Argos: Wellllll you can tell Callie that if he wants all this back he's got some apologizing to do
Carl: Apologizing? wait....never mind I don't want to know....
Argos: So are we done here?
Blake: Yeah.....we're done here.....
Merrill: I should have stayed in college...
*Calus calls Carl*
Calus: Have you found him
Carl: Yeah, we found him....
Calus: Can....can I speak to him
Carl:.....yeah
*Calus and Argos begin whispering over the phone*
Hunk: What the fuck is happening here?
Carl: I don't really want to know....
*Back at the Tower*
Luna: I'm assuming the mission was a success
Carl: It was a fucking lovers quarrel...we aren't paid enough for that shit
Hunk: Wait....We get paid?!
Toby: I spend my glimmer on shaders
Luna: How did it turn out?
Carl: Merrill is in custody, Calus and Argos had a.....reunion....and I am mentally scarred for life.....
Luna: Reunion?
Hunk:....yeah...
*Flashback*
Calus: OH MY HOT HUNK OF STEEL!
Argos: MY PLUMPTUOUS TURTLE MAN!
Carl: WHY ARE WE FUCKING HERE FOR THIS?!
Hunk: TOBY WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Toby: I WANT TO WRESTLE TOOOOOOOOO!
Carl, Blake, and Hunk: TOBY NO!!!!!
Ace: I'm fucking out
*Falshback ends*
Luna: I don't need the details....
Hunk: There was so much.....ass
Carl: We were there Hunk....don't need a trip down memory lane
Luna: Anyways....Command decided to give you three some time off, sort of
Carl: Sort of?
Luna: Training...you three have training to attend
Hunk: That doesn't sound like time off to me
Luna: I wasn't the one who made the call, apparently it's Crucible Training
Hunk: Fuck no....everytime we do that...things get weird
Luna: Weird?
Carl: Toby....something happens to him in Crucible
Luna: But he's an idiot
Hunk: You don't understand, we know this, but in Crucible, he becomes something else.....
*Luna, Carl, and Hunk stare at Toby*
Toby: Did you know that if you look into the sun for too long it can burn your eyes?
Luna: He seems like an idiot to me
Hunk: Ugh....when is this training?
Luna: A few days from now, but for the time being you guys can enjoy the festivities
Hunk: oh right, Solstice of Heroes
Carl: Stupid holiday, all that damn confetti gets everywhere and then command gets working parties together afterwards and I'm always on it
Luna: Also....we won't need you to further involve yourself with Calus
Carl: Oh? And why is that?
Luna: We....well it's easier if I just show you
*Everyone walks down to Benedict*
Luna: This is why
Hunk: The Skitzo Janitor?
Benedict 99-40: Fu...Fu....Fu...
Hunk: Take your time
Benedict: Fu...Fu...Fu...Fuck you
Hunk: Don't hurt yourself
Carl: So what's the deal?
Luna: Apparently Benedict is Calus' inside man, we gathered intel and began interrogating him
Carl: And how'd that go?
Luna:....Do you really want to know?
Carl: Well when you say it like that I mean shit
Luna: Benedict...play the "Jump Video"
Benedict 99-40: Pl....pl....playing
*Video comes on and Careless Whisper begins playing*
Calus: Oh tell daddy where to put the oil
Argos: Right in the...
Carl: OH MY GOD NO! SHUT THAT BOKU NO FUCK YOU OFF!
Hunk: I think I just threw up....yep I threw up in my helmet....I'll be back....
Toby: I like the camera lighting
*Luna turns off the video*
Luna: We've summed up that Calus isn't much of a threat
Carl: What about Nessus?
Luna: Fuck Nessus, the Vex and Fallen are on that planet, not our problem
Carl: oh right, fuck those guys.....why's it called the jump video???
Luna: Well...
*Flashback shows the previous Guardians watching the video screaming and jumping off the tower*
Carl: Jesus....
Luna: Yeah....so we've had Benedict cooped up in the basement to avoid him showing the video to anyone else
Carl: It's like the Ring, but more gay
Luna: Anyways, your training starts in a few days, I'd suggest taking advantage of the time off that you do have
Space Force United EP 7
(Carl, Hunk, Toby, Bert)
*Scene opens up on the Tower*
*Carl runs into the apartment*
Carl: HOLY FUCK!
Hunk: What the hell happened to you?
Carl: The Damn Tower is like a fucking rave right now, God I hate this time of the year
Hunk: You hate every time of the year
Carl: That's not true....
Hunk: The Dawning?
Carl: It's fucking cold, and don't get me started on those snowballs
Hunk: Day of the Lost?
Carl: Fuck you those masks are creepy
Hunk: Crimson Days?
*flashback shows Guardians together and Carl standing alone while Lonely is playing in the back ground*
Carl: Fuck Akon
Hunk: Eversion Day?
Carl: Why do we need to celebrate a day where the Awoken got their asses handed to them?
Hunk: Face it....you're not a festive guy
Carl: And you're a judgmental fuck boy
Hunk: Ooooooh scathing
Carl: Anyways....pretty sure someone tried to ruffie me out there...
Hunk: Sounds like a good time
Carl: It was a guy
Hunk: I stand corrected
Carl: Where the hell is Toby?
Hunk: About that....
Carl: YOU LET HIM ESCAPE?! YOU KNOW HOW HE GETS DURING THIS TIME OF THE YEAR!
*Outside shows Toby dancing while Celebrate Good Times plays in the background*
Toby: AND DAD SAID THAT DANCING SCHOOL WAS FOR PUSSIES!
*Crowd cheers*
Carl: Ughhhhhh.....
Hunk: What have I done.....
*Bert runs in*
Bert: HOLY SHIT THIS DAY WAS MADE BY THE DEVIL
Carl: Right? Something we can actually agree on
Bert: Where the hell is Toby
Carl: He escaped and is now possibly terrorizing the village
Bert: Great...it's going to be like last years incident all over again
Carl: Oh god.....
*Flashback to the previous Solstice event*
Carl: Toby, you're in charge of the of the confetti fan okay
Toby: Okay
Bert: Whatever you do do not press the button on the wall
Toby: Okay
Carl: Because if you press the button on the wall you will initiate the Towers self destruct sequence and that will be bad
Toby: Okay
Bert: And Everyone will die
Toby: Okay
Carl: Okay now repeat what we said
Toby: PRESS THE BUTTON
Carl and Bert: NOOOOOOOOOO!
*Toby presses button and the Tower explodes*
Carl: WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE ONE OF THESE?!
*flashback ends*
Bert: *shivers* we were cleaning up confetti for weeks.....
Carl: It was so festive but with so much Death....like Halloween but instead of candy you got limbs
Hunk: Good thing I missed out on that bullshit
Bert: That's right you were still in the academy
Carl: what are we going to do?
Bert: I guess I'll lend a hand today, I don't want his ass screwing something else up
*The three go outside*
Carl: I have instant regrets...
Hunk: so much confetti....
Bert: Benedict has his work cut out for him
Carl: *twitches*
Bert: You good?
Carl: Bad memory....scarred for life....
Bert: Wanna talk about it?
Carl: No, I'm good Dr Phil
Hunk: Where the fuck is Toby?
Carl: Follow the sound of fuckery I'm sure that'll lead us right to him
*Barbie Girl playing in background*
Hunk: I think I found that sound of fuckery
*the three walk towards New Monarchy where Toby and several Guardians are dancing*
Carl: TOBY, YOU FUCK STICK, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!
Toby: I just wanna dance!
Bert: You know you aren't allowed to roam around the Tower during Solstice
Toby: I just want to be free and live off everyone's happy candy
Hunk: Happy candy?
Carl: I think he's rolling
Bert: Fuck...
Toby: Try the Aetheon it'll seriously Glass your mind
*Dean appears*
Dean: He's fucking high, they keep trying to throw me around like a fucking Beach Ball!
Carl: *Facepalms* We need to get him before he does something stupid
Hunk: I think he's too fucked up to do something, I mean what's the worst that can happen?
Toby: I FOUND A GUN
Bert, Hunk, and Carl: TOBY!
Space Force United EP 8:
Toby: *groaning*
Carl: Shut up, you deserve this
Bert: How the hell do you guys always end up in this kind of predicament
Hunk: I hate everything now
Carl: Now you're getting it....
Toby: Why does everything hurt?
Bert: Probably because Tower police tased the shit out of you
Carl: Don't you miss this Bert?
Bert: No.....
Hunk: Why does everything bad happen to us
Carl: Because we have a Toby
Bert: For once I agree....
Toby: Why is the room spinning?
Carl: Well so much for a holiday...
*Luna walks in*
Carl: And now we have this.....
Luna: Do I even have to mention how stupid you idiots are?
Hunk: We haven't gotten our daily dose yet so knock yourself out.....
Luna: *sighs* and Bert really?
Bert: Don't drag me into this, I was just an innocent bystander
Luna: Save it.....anyways on a side note command just chalked this incident up to another "Toby" moment
Hunk: That's what we are calling these fun filled experiences?
Toby: Yay I have my own holiday
Carl: Shut up asshole
Luna: Well, apparently there is a big mission coming up, and this Crucible Training event will determine which teams will take part
Carl: Oh good I thought it was something serious, I can at least rest easy knowing we won't be involved
Luna: That's the problem
Carl: There always is
Luna: You guys have been exempt
Hunk: Oh thank god
Luna: Apparently the last training event left Ace with some.....PTSD
Carl: PTSD? Oh wait.....
*Flashback Scene opens up in the Crucible on Solitude*
Carl: *shivering* Fuck this place, it's too damn cold
Hunk: Seems fine to me, maybe your just a bitch?
Carl: Shut up
Hunk: You Shut up
Ace: How about you idiots both shut up
Carl: CHRIST! Where the fuck do you even come from??!
Ace: I didn't come from anything I was forged
Hunk: What, in the douchebag factory?
Ace: Wanna run that by me again?
Hunk: Toby said it....
Carl: Speaking of Toby, where the hell is he?
Hunk: Saw him wandering around earlier
Ace: Get your heads in the game boys, no time to worry about that douche trotter
Carl: Game? It's training Ace, no one takes this shit seriously I mean look at those guys over there
*Camera pans to two Guardians dancing*
Random Guardian: I'M DOING SOMETHING!
Carl: And what about those guys?
*Camera moves to a Guardian sitting in a bubble*
Random Guardian: I miss Eris Morn...
Ace: What's your point?
Carl: My point is that this "training" is a waste of my fucking time
Ace: You take that back.....you better motivate yourself right the fuck now
Carl: I got a better idea go down to the local market and grab yourself a bag of dicks and shove me up your...
Hunk: Hate to interrupt....but....where the hell did everyone go?
Carl: Eh? I didn't even notice....
Ace: It's quiet...
Hunk: Yes too quiet...
*Toby pops golden gun*
Carl: Toby....what the fuck are you doing you ass clown
Toby: My name.....is TOBIIIIIIIIIIIII
Hunk: Tobi?
Carl: Alright numb nuts.....simmer down
*Toby points golden gun at Carl*
Hunk: He's actually aiming for once?
Ace: HEY DUMBASS WHAT IS YOUR MALFUNCTION?
*Toby aims at Ace*
Ace: YOU WANT TO SIGN YOUR OWN DEATH WARRANT YOU GOMER PYLE PIECE OF SH...
Toby: Lock.....On.....
*Toby fires golden gun and Ace disappears*
Hunk and Carl: SON OF A BITCH!
*Toby aims at Hunk and Carl*
Hunk: WHAT DO WE DO?!
Carl: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!
Toby: BEHOLD THE POWER OF...TOBBBBBBBBBIIIIIIIII
Hunk and Carl: *screaming like girls*
*Carl wakes up*
Carl: *panting* FUCK
Toby: My name is not fuck it's Toby
Carl: *stares*
Toby: Hi I'm Toby
Carl: I fucking hate you...
*flashback ends*
Carl: I told you he gets weird during training events....
Luna: Apparently that was enough for command to determine that your squad would automatically participate in this mission
Carl: Ughhhhhhh....
Hunk: What's the mission?
Luna: Top secret, apparently one of the Vanguard are leading it
Bert: Vanguard?
Luna: Cayde-6 to be exact
Carl: I swear if it's another Ramen extraction mission.....
Luna: No....it's deeper than that
Hunk: When will we find out?
Luna: Soon enough....the brief is tomorrow, so I'd suggest you three get some rest
Toby: I can't feel my toes.....
Carl: Can we just leave him here?
Luna: Looks like command wants everyone on board with this
Hunk: Well we can scratch out this mission going smoothly then...
Space Force United EP 9:
(Finale)
*Scene opens in the hanger*
Carl: Ugh....I hate waiting
Hunk: Gotta be important if Cayde is the one giving the mission brief
Carl: Who cares.....I still think it's going to be some bullshit Ramen run....
*Toby runs up*
Toby: RAMEN SHOP IS GIVING AWAY FREE RAMEN COUPONS!
Hunk: *Looks at coupon* it's expired dumbass.....
Toby: No no it says that it's good, Cayde said so in the writing on the back
Carl: And he has been good with his word this far?
Toby: He is my idle.....
Hunk: He fucking carries a chicken with him all the time, I'm pretty sure I've even seen him feed the damn thing ramen
Carl: A man and his chicken...I'll never understand
Hunk: Pretty sure he's a robot
Carl: Whatever, that walking, talking Star Wars rip off always has the dumbest missions for us to do...
Hunk: Really? He normally has us do nothing
Carl: Remember the scouting mission....I remember the scouting mission....
*flashback goes to the EDZ*
Carl: Cayde I found the communication device
Cayde-6: Good now place it in the spot
Carl: What spot?
Cayde-6: You know, the spot
Carl: WHAT FUCKING SPOT?!
Cayde-6: There isn't a spot?
Carl: oh my god it's like I'm talking to Toby....THERE IS NO FUCKING SPOT
Cayde-6: Hmmmm, pretty sure there is a spot, why not try looking over there?
Carl: WHERE THE FUCK IS THERE?!
Cayde-6: Ok ok, no need to shout, there should be a spot marked on your HUD
Carl: WHAT FUCKING SPOT?!
Cayde-6: FUCK YOU!
Carl: UGHHHHHHH YOU FUCKING REJECT SEX BOT!
Cayde-6: AT LEAST I GET SOME YOU DREG FUCKING THUNDER CUNT!
Carl: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
*flashback ends*
Hunk: Oh right....you were on that special mission
Carl: Three fucking hours to find one fucking rock....waste of my life
Hunk: I thought everything was a waste of your life?
Carl: You're not wrong....
Toby: OOOOOOOH CAYDE IS HERE!
Carl: about time....
*Cayde-6 appears*
Cayde-6: Sup ladies, you guys ready for this briefing?
Carl: is it about ramen?
Cayde-6: No it's not about ramen
Carl: Thank god
Cayde-6: It's about something spicier
Hunk: Spicy ramen? I knew it
Cayde-6: No you fucktards it's not about ramen, why do you keep saying that?
Toby: I like ramen....
Cayde-6: IT'S NOT ABOUT FUCKING RAMEN.....anyways we are heading to a familiar place
Carl: Familiar?
Cayde-6: Intel came in recently, apparently we are going to the Reef
Hunk: Holy shit, talk about a change of pace
Toby: My lady lives there
Cayde-6: Ha, keep dreaming bud, but sorry to break it to you, but Sov is dead
Toby: He called me bud....
Hunk: Don't cream yourself....
Carl: The Reef huh? Well what's the deal?
Cayde-6: Top secret, all you need to know is that your job is to escort and protect me
Carl: Bodyguards....wonderful
Cayde-6: Hey that's a big deal
Hunk: Because your a big deal?
Cayde-6: Well I don't mean to brag but, I'm kind of a bad ass
Carl: Right....so when do we head out?
Cayde-6: Soon enough, so get your gear ready
Hunk: Who else is going on this mission?
Cayde-6: Everyone is on standby in case things go sour, so you're pretty much it
Carl: I can already tell you how bad that plan is.....
Cayde-6: It's all good, if things get out of hand, you and Hunk can cover me, and Toby can protect me
Toby: Don't cluck with momma hen.....
Hunk: Did you just refer to yourself as a mother hen....
Carl: That's the plan?!
Cayde-6: Came up with it myself
Carl: THAT CAN'T BE THE PLAN MAN!
Cayde-6: Calm down, everything will be fine
Hunk: You give us too much faith...
Toby: Cluck cluck motherfuckers
Carl: Toby....shut up.....
Cayde-6: So, now that's out of the way, are we ready to do this?
Carl: Ready for this to be a colossal cluster fuck? Sure
Cayde-6: Stay Positive, we got this
Hunk: We May actually have this guys, I mean shit we have a member of the Vanguard with us, what's the worst that can happen???
Carl: Every time you say that.....
*Scene slips to Cayde-6 being shot by Uldren and leaving, while the others show up*
Hunk: OH MY GOD HOW DID WE FUCK THIS UP?!
Carl: Seriously....Toby....you had one job....ONE JOB!
Toby: Yeah.....
Hunk: What the hell were you doing?!
Toby: Things....
Carl: WHAT THINGS?!
*Toby pulls out phone*
Hunk: Is that Mara fucking Sov?!
Carl: You know as pissed as I am right now, I can't even be mad by this.....
Toby: I am her huckleberry
Hunk: Seriously though....what do we do about this?
Carl: What we always do....
Hunk: Get yelled at by command?
Carl: No, what the hell, we are going to complete the mission
Hunk: Were going after Uldren???
Carl: Would you rather face command?
Hunk: So we're going after Uldren....sweet....and his posse of Arkham fanboys.....we're gonna fucking die.....
Carl: Buckle up boys....we're in for a hell of a ride