EXPANDING DONG'ER

"I DEEM YOU VERIZON WIRELESS, HERO OF THE NORTH."

The words kept echoing through Andrew's ears like daffodils in Skyrim with 4k audio waterfall mods, big tiddy mods, and those really weird stuff that only loverslab could come up with.

"So do I charge exorbitant prices for barely better phone service or what?"

"No, all you really have to do is stand still and look pretty. Your sword will actually do all of the heavy lifting."

"I have a sword? Is it magical? Does it weigh about 10 neutron stars? Does it have a sleeping loli princess that eats other swords as a sword spirit? Does it have a magical grandpa inside of it?"

"Uh no, it's just a plain old magical sword. Nothing too fancy. The author doesn't have that much imagination and we ran out of budget like last chapter with the special 420 word count and weird references."

"What?"

"Nothing. Uh, let me explain this in simple-minded terns.

Big sword.

Big sword have magic.

Big sword really strong.

You touch big magic sword.

It will share knowledge on how to use sword when you touch sword.

You use knowledge and intuition to control big magic sword.

You smack big orc and annoying weird cousin who wants me with sword.

If you don't get caught, please slice weird cousin who wants me in half with big magic sword.

Got it?"

"Got it, princess."

"Great, now we can move to the slightly more important part. I will have to teach you a little bit about the history of my world before you accidentally kill yourself by bumping into simple-minded dolts to keep spouting 'JUNIOR, DO YOU DARE?' at everyone whose face they do not like."

"In my world, there are a bunch of islands with uh smaller islands in them."

"How many islands?"

"DO NOT INTERRUPT, WORM!"

"Yes ok sorry please go on with your extremely captivating story"

"Since when did you learn how to use big words like 'captivating?'

"Since the weed wore off. And whatever else was mixed in with it. Goddamnit Jacky, always giving me that weird shit. Now I have to be reminded of my trauma whenever I see a Twinkie™ or something that looks or tastes like it."

"What?"

"Um, nothing, princess."

"Sure okay great nice let's go."

"What about Jacky? And how did an upstairs appear?"

"Shut your fucking mouth damn leave those for later the author will address that next week when he figures out how to do that asspull."

"Okay."

As Andre- oops, I mean VERIZON, HERO OF THE NORTH was speaking with Big Tiddy Princess, suddenly a portal appeared behind them.

"SHHHHHHHINNNNNGGGGG"

A mildly annoying metallic sound reverberated throughout the room that was in the state of existing and not existing.

"Fuck no wait I still need to pissssssssssssss~"