Overdue Regrets

"But how?"

"It's pretty obvious," Anoi chuckled in response, "that you like her."

Shad lowered his head in embarrassment.

He liked Jackie ever since he was a child, but he was aware of how special their bond was to her, and would rather keep his feelings hidden then make it awkward between them. He never told anyone about it. Is he that bad at keeping his emotions in check, up to the point that even strangers can tell he was in love?

To tell the truth, if Anoi had never saw Shad before, she too would be ignorant of his delicate feelings. But, she had already met him, in her previous life. Not in this café, on a date (since she skipped it), but on Jackie's funeral.

The memories started replaying in her head.

You'd think on that day it would be raining. Yet, the sun was shining for the whole time, and not a cloud could spotted in the grand sky.

It was painful. It should have rained. No, it should have showered. Anoi wanted a downpour, a thunderstorm. Since that's how she felt inside. And maybe, just maybe, the heavy rain would wash away her dark thoughts, and the rumbles of thunder would deafen the screaming pain that arised when she faced the cold grave.

And yet, it was sunny.

The tears were mixing with sweat and were trailing down the faces of the standing people. No movement, it was as if time had stopped. No wind either. Nothing.

What was also maddening, is that deep inside, Anoi knew that the day… in some strange way, it suited the passed away purple-clothed girl. But she couldn't explain how.

The ceremony went on and on. Anoi wanted it to quickly finish so that she could return to her deserted flat and forget all of this, along with numbness that resided inside her. Except, when the time came to leave, she still remained in front of the freshly buried grave.

Only when the sky started darkening, she snapped back, and then noticed that she wasn't alone. There was another person nearby. Only in her next life will she find out that his name is Shad.

He was kneeling and had a blank expression on his face.

Anoi's movements caught his attention and, without turning his head, he said:

"Hey, you."

Anoi listened quietly, faintly sensing that the man wasn't seeking a conversational partner, but someone who would lend an ear and a shoulder.

"You're her friend, aren't you? Anoi, right?" Without waiting for a confitmation he went on, "Say, the weather today… Jackie would love it, wouldn't she?.. She, she was that kind of a person. Cheerful, and warm, and sunny…" his voice trembled, before he stroked the purple-petaled bouquet lying beside him. He looked up to the sky. One did not know if he was just observing the changing blue colors, or possibly, trying to catch a glimpse of the castle in the air, and perchance, a familiar smiling face.

"Ahh… disgustingly sunny," he said in a low voice.

Anoi could tell that the man had some history with Jackie.

After a brief moment of silence, he continued, but Anoi could no longer tell who he was talking to: to her? To himself? To Jackie? Or maybe even he wouldn't be able to answer this question.

So Anoi decided to give a moment of privacy and walked to the tree, not too far away, so that she could hear in case he called her.

It might have been a quiet day, or maybe the man's voice was so loud, but she could still hear everything that the man was saying.

"Hey, you told me we would kick the bucket together. You, you said you'd think of a way. We promised, we promised didn't we… That we'd always be together. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry… I shouldn't have refused going to the concert. I… I said I will always be there for you. Hahah. You're right, I'm a liar…You were always right. Say, what am I to do without you? I never got the chance to tell you. I thought, staying by your side, staying as a friend would be enough. Who knew I'm actually greedy."

Anoi could see that his shoulders started trembling. She turned her gaze away.

"Jackie, are you listening… I am sorry. I am sorry for getting angry at you when you broke my toy bow when we were eight. I'm sorry for pushing you in the snow when we went ice skating. I'm sorry when I lost your favorite hair clip. I just, I just wanted to have something yours. I couldn't dare to ask for your heart, so I took the hairclip..." Anoi could almost hear a forced smile in his tone. "Hairclip for heart, you're not mad anymore, are you? I'm sorry for shouting at you each time you tried to set me up with your friends. I know you wanted the best for me… And I'm sorry for teasing you and making fun of you occasionally... Jackie… Jack, I'm… I'm so sorry. For everything."

He gradually quieted down and Anoi glanced to see what was he doing. He was still staring into the sky. He was lost in thought, but there was a clear smile with a note of insanity to it. Yet, he didn't look crazy. Because of the tears running down, like raindrops.

He looked like a broken-hearted man.

Anoi squatted down and too, turned her head to face the great vastness above her.

She could see the patches of deep purple amongst the tree branches. The stars started to appear too.

Ah, how she wished she could erase this. All of this.