Stumbling and Tumbling

Katsuki ran out of the house.

Night had already descended. The fucking stars were twinkling condescendingly at him set in a pool of black.

Thankfully, the streetlamps were sufficient to guide him to his destination. Katsuki pushed himself to run harder. Izuku was still unconscious, but who knew when he would wake up?

If by any chance he woke up tonight while Katsuki wasn't there, knowing Izuku, he would probably unhesitatingly hurt himself further and try to commit suicide again. The doctors just fixed him up! He couldn't be allowed to undo all their hard work!

Katsuki felt his panic level raise a notch at that thought.

Izuku, he prayed, don't do anything stupid.

Sweat was pooling in his palms at the thought that Izuku still thought he hated him.

He felt so fucking useless. He was completely and utterly useless in helping Izuku. He had no medical knowledge, and he had no reassurance that Izuku wouldn't do anything stupid.

From what Izuku had written and implied about his Quirk, a certain amount of distance meant that he wouldn't be able to feel his soul-bonded. That meant Izuku might think that Katsuki had left him all alone in the hospital, leaving him to his fate. Leaving him to his life or death without any regard.

If only he hadn't left the damn hospital!

He shouldn't have listened to his mother.

Katsuki rearranged his priorities immediately. He should have considered and accounted for every possibility. He'd make sure to do so from now onwards.

The hospital was like a burning beacon amidst the dim surroundings.

Katsuki panted from the exertion. He'd been pushing himself to run at breakneck speeds for the whole distance and hadn't even realized it. As a future Pro-Hero, he should have been keeping track of his stamina consumption, but frankly, the thought hadn't even crossed his mind.

He quickly considered his options. There was no way the nurses would let him in again. Visiting hours are over. So, he had to dodge nurses, doctors and…janitors?

Katsuki hesitated, before recalling that Izuku's room was conveniently located on the first floor. There was a window in the room, which couldn't really be opened much, only the slightest amount.

The blonde teen circled around the hospital, finding the correct window that led to Izuku's room. He glanced around cautiously, taking note that no one seemed to be around, nor was there a nurse in Izuku's room. He was slightly frustrated that he couldn't see Izuku from the window, but he pushed down the panic that threatened to surge up and instead narrowed his focus.

Plans rapidly flew through his mind. He quickly disposed of some of them, before deciding on his plan of action.

Katsuki scaled the wall, entering the second-floor window.

Inside, a middle-aged man was staring at him. He seemed slightly tense.

The man looked like a skeleton. That was the nicest way to put it. He looked practically skeletal in his thinness. He looked slightly depressed and tired, which caused faint feelings of empathy to well up within Katsuki. He knew how that felt, especially after today. He had spiky blonde hair, which was a shade that reminded him slightly of All Might, but Katsuki quickly pushed aside any thoughts that didn't relate to The Plan.

"Just passing through," said Katsuki, feeling the strangest need to give this literal stranger some comfort. "Ignore me."

Katsuki quickly exited the room, leaving behind a baffled Toshinori Yagi.

The blonde darted to the edge of the hallway, making sure that no nurses or doctors were making their rounds.

He silently and vigilantly made his way down to Izuku's room.

Katsuki breathed out a sigh of relief when he managed to get into Izuku's room unmolested.

Relief mixed with disappointment crashed into him the moment he realized Izuku was still whole and further unharmed.

On one hand, he was happy Izuku hadn't self-mutilated himself once again, but on the other hand, he was also disappointed that he hadn't regained consciousness. He wasn't quite sure what was worse.

Katsuki lowered himself into the seat he had vacated a few hours earlier. The chair was hard and cold.

He gently brushed his fingertips across Izuku's hand.

Katsuki struggled with himself. His eyes flickered with hesitation. He wanted to hold Izuku's hand to reassure himself, but he wasn't sure if anything he did might aggravate Izuku's wound.

In the end, he hesitantly hooked his index finger around Izuku's. He instantly felt much steadier and calmer than before. Izuku didn't feel as cold nor as clammy as he did before. His heart squeezed in relief.

Katsuki bit his lip, forcefully beating back the tears into his glands. He couldn't afford to look away from Izuku. Who knows what stupid things he might do during his inattention.

Izuku, who had been so full of life before.

Izuku, who valiantly stood up to him when he had bullied other kids.

Izuku, who had a brilliant smile which felt like sunshine.

Izuku, whose tears had once caused him genuine distress.

Izuku, who bore the brunt of his hatred in the past couple of years.

Katsuki felt rubbed raw both emotionally and mentally. It felt like a giant open wound, oozing blood and pain. The misery and grief was slowly and steadily gathering with every passing thought.

He felt like Izuku had within a span of a day, singlehandedly tore down each brick that he had built to keep himself safe.

The bricks that were there to keep himself detached from Izuku.

Those very bricks were crumbling down.

Izuku had managed to worm his way into his heart once, but he'd done everything he could to try and keep him out, layering on the false feelings of scorn and despise.

Thinking back about it, he'd conveniently used the fact that Izuku had seemed to be Quirkless to justify himself and all his actions.

He wasn't sure when, but the faked emotions had turned to genuine hatred.

Katsuki wondered if he would have continued down this road had Izuku not managed to knock some sense into him.

He let out a hollow laugh.

How much must it have hurt? Izuku, who had to constantly live with the thought that Katsuki would never love him? Would only ever harbour negative feelings for him?

Izuku had gone through each meeting with the feelings of hatred and despise, feeling them first-hand. He had been able to know just how genuine those feelings that Katsuki had held for him were. He couldn't even give himself any denial that Katsuki was just pretending.

Katsuki couldn't imagine the sheer agony that Izuku must have gone through.

At this moment, he still didn't feel love for Izuku. But he would try. He could work on his feelings, but Izuku had to wake up first.

Katsuki had been forced to acknowledge that in his heart, he had still held emotions of friendship and goodwill towards Izuku.

"You better fucking take responsibility," he muttered, a slight hitch in his voice.

He'd give anything to hear the words "Kacchan" from Izuku's mouth again.

"Kacchan," he heard.