Chapter One: Maria

"I don't want to be

Anything other than what I've been trying to be lately

All I have to do is think of me

And I have peace of mind

I'm tired of looking 'round rooms

Wondering what I've got to do

Or who I'm supposed to be

I don't want to be anything other than me"

~ Gavin DeGraw

It was so cold out.

She shivered.

The crisp winter wind bit at her skin, slipping past her winter jacket and covering her pale arms in hopes to keep itself warm. Maria shuddered, pulling her arms closer to her body. Her teeth chattered and hit up against each other filling the silent morning with small, almost inaudible sounds. Looking past the trees, she continued to walk the familiar path to her school.

It was only 5:35 a.m where Maria lived but school rested for no one. Since she didn't have a car and her school was almost three miles away, Maria woke up at approximately four a.m, and left at five. Depending on the weather is how long she'd take to walk to school. Since winter was around the corner and the mornings grew darker, Maria had to leave at five and try to make it to school by seven.

Every morning she prayed she wouldn't freeze to death.

Beep beep, buzzed her phone. Maria sighed and reached into her jacket pocket to pull out the shiny new cell-phone she used. It was a IPhone 7 Plus in midnight black that blared its brightness and contrast when opening up the text.

From Sasha: Morning bunny!

Maria's fingers shook as she texted back a "morning!" Hoping that it sounded as enthusiastic as her best friends text sounded.

She shook her head. Where as her friends can wake up at any time and drive their cars to school and work, Maria couldn't. She had to walk every where she went because she had little to no money in her bank account. She had been saving up, once, but when her last phone broke — a flimsy old flip phone — she had to get something that would last. Something that no one would make fun of her about.

Sasha, Maria's friend, had a Jeep and lived not even ten minutes away but when Maria asked if she could pick her up, Sasha's excuse was "but you're to far away, I'll be late to school picking you up!" And she whined like a child for the rest of the day. She knew that Maria had no car and she knew she had to walk to school and to work everyday but she paid it no mind and instead joked about Maria's feet hurting.

"You complain like an old lady"

"What are you, fifty?"

The words left her mouth as if they were second nature and she guessed they were. With all of the picking Sasha did on Max, a computer geek at her school, Maria's wasn't surprised and she could make fun of her best friend so easily.

From Sasha: How's your walk?

Maria scoffed, "cold" she texted back and stopped to catch her breath. Due to her heavy jacket, the bitter sweet air and her having to walk for so long, her body had gained a thin sheet of sweat over it. Along with Maria's lungs burning.

From Sasha: Nice! Anyways, I'll see you at school, Josh wants me to pick him up!

Maria could almost hear her girlish laugh. Josh was Sasha's crush and also the 'it' boy of her high school. He was the schools quarterback, home coming and prom king, a straight A student and an animal shelter volunteer during the weekends.

After looking over the text for a least ten minutes Maria felt her eyes turn into slits and glare at the screen. Josh lived over thirty minutes away from Sasha's house, his house went further away from Maria's.

"Can you pick me up to? It's on your way to his house, I'll even pay for any extra gas" typed Maria who hit send.

She got an instant reply.

From Sasha: No! Sorry hunny bunny!

And with that, Maria walked to school fuming and pissed off at her 'so called friend.'

—————————————

Lunchtime.

The only time of day Maria hated and loved the most.

Maria walked over to the lunch line and was able to skip the crowd of people waiting to get Tuesday's special. Something the principal liked to do every Tuesday's for those who bring an extra couple of dollars of Monday.

Today, was pizza. It wasn't the schools pizza though and that's what got everyone crowding the counter. The pizza that they bought was from a pizzeria not even fifteen minutes away where the school ordered a hundred pizzas per lunch period and gave it to those who came first in line. Sometimes there was enough food for everyone, sometimes there wasn't.

Maria didn't have to worry about that though. Since she was 'popular' she could skip the line without consequences.

"Two slices of pepperoni pizza please" the pizza was served in the regular school plates on top of a red plastic holder. Maria walked even further down the lunch time and grabbed herself a sprite. She then took a slice of chocolate cake and a fork to her table where her friends sat, laughing and eating.

She sighed looking at the table for room. Her friend group was large, larger than she would have liked. In total there were around twenty five people. Fifteen jocks, and nine cheerleaders. Not including her. Maria had never wanted to be a cheerleader so she didn't try out, she had once and hated it with all of her guts.

Her group of friends took up at least three tables so that everyone could fit and still, some were hanging around and sitting on each other's laps. So when she spotted a seat, Maria took it without second thought. It was right in between Sasha who sat on Josh's lap in her cheerleading outfit and Nixon — a not so cocky jock who she actually liked to talk to occasionally.

"Hi" Maria smiled and waved at him, "hey" Nixon replied with a smile just as bright as hers. A gagging sound could be heard from Maria's right where Sasha sat, eyes crisscross and finger in her mouth as she continued to tease Maria. "Hunny bunny you should fuck Nicky already, get it over with instead of making googly eyes" she laughed.

Maria's face turned beat red as she looked down, embarrassed. Maria quickly began to eat her food and avoid everyone. Including Nixon who tried to get her to talk.

Half way through her food Maria's stomach started to twist and do flip flops. She frowned holding her aching stomach, standing up abruptly Maria made her way out of the lunch room and to the girls bathroom without so much as a word.

She threw herself into a stall, barely making it before she puked her guts out. Heaving and coughing up whatever got stuck in her throat. She groaned leaning her back up against the wall.

She knew she shouldn't have eaten that much today, she knew she wouldn't been fine after her last episode but she wanted to be. Fine, that is.

Her teachers had started to question her health a couple of days ago so Maria had taken it upon her self to try and get back in the habit of eating again.

Though, her body had taken its toll from her last starvation cycle and wasn't having it.

Sighing deeply, Maria sat in the bathroom with tears clouding her vision for the rest of the day.

——————————-

Author's Note:

LONG

FUCKING

CHAPTER!

Guys, seriously! I never expected it to be this long and I honestly wanted to keep it short but I rewrote this chapter and decided to add some better dialogue and explaining. The old version was bad and I thought it did not live up to the expectations that I wanted it to.

Anyways, thanks for reading and as always:

Vote if you like!

P.S: Song for this chapter: Really good song — lyrics — called Make Me Wanna Die by Pretty Reckless (the girl from gossip girl is in it! 😯)

Rewritten: October 12th 2018