Chapter 5 : Silent Grief and Anger

Things quiet down , I take a look at the clock on the wall , it is already 1:46 A.M. . With a sigh , I got up and run laps around the compound because I cannot close my eyes without the memories popping out in my brain .

The runs takes longer than I expected , the moment I realize that the sun is up , I check the watch and it is already 7:54 A.M. . I walk back into the building , wiping my sweat off with a towel . "Mornin' , Chris." Steve pats me at the shoulder , making me jolt and flinch, instantly get into combat ready stance . Confused , he steps back . "Sorry , it's my reflexes ." I mutter as I walk past the others . "You joining us for brekky when you're done changing ?" Carol asks , with a pleading look in her eyes. " Nay, sorry, Danvers but I need to go somewhere ." I shake my head in a polite manner and turn to Tony . " Danzer's , right ?" I look at him with a cold expression . He nods his head in a concerning way as I give my thanks to him .Everyone just stare at me in silence .

After a fresh change into a set of tux , I make my way out of the compound . "Hey. You okay?" Natasha shouts as she jogs her way to me ." Yeah ." I utter as my gaze is blank and distant . " What happened ?" She leans in, trying to get a whiff of what is going on with me . " I'm just gonna go out to take a breather ." I pat her shoulder as I turn away , heading out towards the door.

After walking down a street , I am sure that I am being tailed , by Natasha and Yelena . Despite being trained to be top tier assassins , they are still no match to me , a killer trained by multiple organizations combined . After a turn to the left , right , left again , I drive them into a crowd of people and shake them loose at last. I sigh deeply as I hide around a spot to see where they are going . They finally give up and head back towards the compound , I walk out casually and finally end up at Danzer's Cemetery .

Looking around and seeing no one around , I make my way through a dense forest and beneath an ancient humongous tree, lay two tombstones with no bodies beneath them , Hanzo and Christopher . I stand over them, with a grim expression on my face . "You're related to them, mate ?" a middle aged man asks , seems like a grave keeper . "They're my parents " I sigh as I fixate my gaze on him . "No one has ever visit them ever since they were planted with the request of the high ranking officers , with no bodies . Sorry for your loss." He mumble as he scans me up and down . I nod my head solemnly .

"I'll leave you to your business then."

He then whistles as he walks away , the sound fading away .

The only sounds accompanying me are the chirping of the birds and the rustle of the leaves in the breeze. " Hey , mother and father ." I mumble as I kneel down . "It's been a while ." I could not hold back my tears , " I'm sorry , I didn't mean to , I was ..." my voice trail off as I slop down , hacking my throat . I see the memorials engraved on the tombstones . " Parent, Son , Daughter , Hero, Soldier " I then realize how Tony could find them so easily, they were once part of them . They were renowned heroes , but they created a cold blooded monster like me , whose ledger is dripping red .

It is getting late , I get up , brush off anything that is on me , and start heading back . On the way, I meet the keeper . "What is your name , Sir?" I query as I look at my watch . " Thompson , bud." He chuckles as a reply . I look at him straight in the eye .

"Thank you , Sir Thompson , for taking care of the tombstones in my absence ."

"A pleasure, and I will keep on doing so."

"Thank you."

I leave him chuckling about how long I have spent with the tombstones , it has been a whole day and I have to get back or else those peeps will be out looking for me . I made it in time for dinner , it seems . "Hey, you're back !" Yelena lunges towards me , pulling me into a bear hug . "Yeah , I'm back. " I whisper as I scan around the room . "Oh, am I interrupting ? You guys go ahead , I'll be on my way ." I say as I walk towards the hallway . "Wait , join us ." Wanda coos as I stop in my tracks by her remark . "We have some for you ." She gently locks her gaze on me . I walk towards an empty seat at the table and observing a fresh , piping hot meal in front of me . "What's wrong?" Yelena asks ."Nothing , just I have never been served piping hot food in my life before ." I utter "This is the first time ." . Yelena nudge me in the arm " Now y'know how it feels like to have a home to go to , eh" . I am a bit tilted by her burst of statement but I brush it off with a "Yeah ." .

I am picking at my food when I realize they are looking at me . "Sorry, it's a habit , to pick out drugs and stuff ." I mumble apologetically . "Ah! No worries ." Wanda smiles broadly as she goes to get her second foodstuff . "How was it ?" Tony asks , his voice seemingly muffled as he is stuffing down mashed potatoes .

"It went well." I reply without looking up .

"Mhmm , that's good to hear ." He continues stuffing food down his throat .

"What went well?" Natasha asks as she eyes Tony and I . " Just , business. Why else would I wear a tux ?" I reply with a scoff . "Oh ," I add on " You two suck at tailing someone , at least someone like me ." I roll my eyes as I blurt out , " At lest you're pretty good at it when it's someone else. I can smell you from miles away." . "Hey!" Natasha playfully pushes me but I grab hold of her arm the minute she makes contact with my arm . "Sorry , reflexes ." I let go and continue to eat in silence .

After dinner , I head to my room , get a nice cold bath and lay on the bed . I stare at the ceiling until there is a knock on the door. "Coming ." I say as I walk towards the door . "Come on, let's go." Yelena and Natasha drag each of my arm as I look at them in confusion ."Where?" I frantically ask because of the memories I have of being dragged to do something that I did in the past . "Movie night, duh. It's Friday." Yelena rolls her eyes as she motions for Natasha to continue pulling me into the living room . They are all gathered by the tv , talking among themselves until they realize my presence .

"Finally , you're here ." Carol claps in excitement . I sit down in between Natasha and Yelena by the window . Although I am there physically , but my mind is elsewhere. I sit there , motionless as we watch Home Alone. A movie about a young boy who, as the title says , spends his time home alone with two dumb robbers trying to break into his house. As the movie progresses , my mind drifts off to the bloody scenes of the people whose lives I have cold bloodedly claimed . The scent of blood and the taste of it feels fresh as if I am still there, the voices and sounds of my victims screaming in agony and the sight of their prostrate, lifeless bodies lay there , some of their eyes are open and staring at me , these images bear a deep part in my mind . I am violently shook back into reality by Natasha as she shakes me hard with her grip tightening on my arm , "What's wrong ?" she whispers as I look at her in confusion . Unconsciously , I grab her wrist and start checking for wounds on her arms , neck, face and legs . "She cups my face with her hands , her warmth transmitting onto my cold face . "Hey, what's the matter ?" she confusedly asks , "You feel cold . You alright ?" , she starts checking me to see what is actually gnawing at me . "Thank God , you're alright " I whisper as I slump back , leaving her even more confused than ever .

Tony realizes and gives me a little wave , "Hey , wanna have a chat , in private ?" He asks .I give him a small nod as I get up , "You're leaving ?" Carol groans as she watch me get up from my spot ."Nope, I'll be having a small chat with Tony and get some air ." I reply , "I'll be back before you know it ." I add on as I turn around and leave . "You better ," she glares at me intensively , "Or I'll drag your arse back here myself ." . Tony chuckles as he pulls me away , "Don't worry ,Carol. I'll drag him back here myself ." he sniggers . I give him a little tilt on the head and he indicates for us to leave.

We make our way to a quiet corner at the balcony . "Alright , " he says " Spit it out ." he ushers as I lean against the balcony . " What?" I query , not so sure what does he want to know . "Your visit to the graves ." he says , in a concerned tone , "What happened? You look so distracted ." . I whip my head towards him , masking the guilt and anger I feel . "Nothing , just my mind drifting off . " I mutter . "And I hate myself for them , the things I had done ." I utter as I look at the vast scenery before me . He gives me a firm pat on the back . "Buddy, " he says "It's not your fault , it's theirs ."

"But I couldn't control it " I utter in dismay .

"That was still not on you ." He smiles as he gets closer to me .

"I-" I cut myself off .

He looks at me , curious as to what I was about to say . " You what?" He asks .

"Nothing , Sir ."

"Alright then . You can talk to us whenever you want to , we're here for you , we're a family , remember ? Don't let those feelings devour you."

I nod at him ," Yeah, thank you ,Sir ."

He frowns at me as he drags me back to the living room, " Don't call me Sir . This ain't the Council no more, yeah . Just call me Tony ,"

"Alright , I'll try ." I reply with a calm expression on my face as I willingly let him drag me back into the living room like how he said to Carol ."Look who's back." he announces with a swag as we enter , I look at him in annoyance as I make my way back to my spot . "Want some popcorn ?" Yelena passes me a pot of them as I slump back down . "No, thanks." I say as I try to focus on the screen to push all the thoughts away but I fail miserably . I am then nudged back into reality by both Yelena and Natasha as my mind drifts away again . "Hey, you sure you good, man ?" Yelena asks as her eyebrows crease into a frown . Natasha is looking at me with a worried gaze again ." You feel cold ?" she asks "Your body temperature is way below normal." she mutters . "I'm fine , don't worry ." I let out a low humourless chuckle as I look straight onwards , trying not to make any eye contact with them .

It is already 12:34 A.M. and both Natasha and Yelena are sound asleep , clinging onto me . "They're dreaming about you ." Wanda smiles as she comes forward ."Oh , that's weird ." I look at them as I cautiously get up . I put up a hand as Wanda steps forward . "I can take them . No worries ." my eyes still fixating on them , admiring them . I got Yelena on my shoulder and Natasha on my arms and walk towards their room , which is just a few steps away from mine . "Man, you're a toughie , Chris" Yelena mumbles groggily as I make my way to their room . "Maybe , " I chuckle , not too sure if she hears me ." But I am indeed weak . You are the ones who are strong ." I add on , pretty sure they are both sleeping like a log . I put them onto their beds , covering them with their blankets , as I am turning away, Natasha grabs my hand . Startled , I whip around , worried that I woke her up. "Thank you , for giving us the chance to live our life by sacrificing yours ." she mumbles in her sleep and starts snoring . I let out a little smile as I tip toe out of the room and enter mine . Looks like I would not be getting any sleep tonight , I sit on the edge of the bed , looking at the sky above me . " I am not as strong as you all think I am ." a weak mutter escapes my lips as my face crease into a frown .