Chapter 7 : Masking Emotions

It is now 1: 15 A.M. , the Tower is silent . I get up , groaning as my fractured ribs shift . " Another sleepless night , as usual ." I mutter as I get into my training attire . I stop in my tracks at the hallway when I see a light at the kitchen , "The hell..." I think as I sneak up closer , placing my back against the wall as much as possible to not let whoever is there see me . " Did someone forgot to turn off the light ? Nah, Jarvis can take care of that if someone did , or did he malfunction ?" thoughts run through my head as if it is a marathon . I peep out of a corner and spot a familiar figure with her back facing me , " smells like her " I think as the scent from her hits me . To be absolutely sure, I grasp her waist and flip her over , just like the redhead I know , she puts me in a headlock with her legs and flips me over and hits my head with a steaming glass kettle , shattering when it comes in contact with my face . " It really is you , thank goodness . " I wheeze as I pat her hand . " Chris? What the hell do you think you're doing ?" she releases her grips and proceeds to pluck out the shards of glass stuck in my face and wiping the blood that is streaming from my head where the initial impact was , my face is steaming from the boiling water . " You alright ? " she gasps as I stand up , wiping my head and face . " Not a scratch . " I reply her in a assuring tone . " What are you doing up at this hour anyways ?" I ask her as I clean the floor up . " I wake up without a reason so I go get some coffee . You?" she shoots a look of concern at me . "What an unusual habit for you , " I mumble " Thought you have some beauty sleep schedule " . She slams at the table , which makes me flinch . "Sorry , " she apologizes as she sips at her coffee . " But , putting me aside , what are you thinking when you grasp me like that ?" she looks at me , smirking .

"I just want to be sure that it is actually you and not some intruder with nano tech . " I shrug as a reply and look at the windows . " Why are you up at this hour ?" she asks , placing her hand on top of mine . " For a jog? Self training ?" I utter as I tilt my head . " And you are heavily injured and in recovery. " she says " Do you even sleep?" . I shake my head " Not once in my lifetime , Ma'am" I say as I look at the windows once more . "You need to rest , " she says " You can't overwork yourself like this , and " she pauses for a minute , " You know, you can talk to us whenever you want to , okay? Don't keep your emotions bottled up . " .

I scoff at her , "Bottled up , Natasha , emotions only get in the way , that is why I don't feel anything . "

"Are you sure about that? The way you snap at Steve the other day , that doesn't look like you don't feel anything . " she raises an eyebrow .

"I keep it in , because it will only get in the way , emotions are useless . That is why I don't have any feelings towards anything or anyone at all. One thing I learnt is emotions are an obstacle , it's better to not have them in the first place . That is why I am a cold blooded murderer ." I look at her coldly .

"Who taught you that?" She queries in a wavering tone .

"That is what I taught myself during my time at the Council , this is what made me into what I am today , a cold hearted , cold blooded being who only knows how to claim the lives of others . " I turn my gaze away , not wanting to make any eye contact with her .

" You're wrong , you're not a murderer . " she hugs me , " You're just a human being who have suffered a lot more than others , you deserve to have emotions and let them out ." I shuffle to loosen her grip but she keeps her ground . "Please, don't torture yourself like this . " she whispers . " I seal them up for a reason , Nat. " I mutter , staring blankly . " Mostly because I can't let it in the way , but I..... " I trail off . "You what?" she softly asks , her eyes meeting mine . " Nothing. " I reply , staring blankly .

"Whatever they are , you have to at least tell someone , tell me . " she whispers ," You've suffered enough . You don't have to torment yourself anymore . " With a cough , I look at the time , " Well, I have to go jogging or else I am not going to sit myself down . " I mutter . "Let me come with you . " she smiles as she grabs my hand . " You need to sleep, Nat, it's still early. " I grab her shoulders lightly . " I can't sleep now anyways , " she chuckles . Seeing that I am hesitant , " Don't worry , it'll be fine " she smiles reassuringly . With a sigh , I nod at her and we both jog side by side until she runs out of breath . "Wow , pretty athletic for the renowned Raven " she chuckles as she puts her hands on her knees , heaving . " You good ?" I ask her with an eyebrow raised . She nods and we make our way back to the Tower together .

By the time we set foot inside , we are greeted by the hustle and bustle of the others . "And here I am thinking where have you gone to , Nat. " Yelena rolls her eyes . "Who the hell broke my glass kettle?" Tony shouts from the kitchen . "That would be me , pardon my stupidity , I don't actually know how it works which is how I broke it ." I raise my hand while eyeing at Natasha to keep her mouth shut . "Actually, Tony-" I cut off the mechanical voice . " Shut it , Jarvis . " I scoff and the A.I. stays silent . "It's alright , dude. " Tony laughs , " Although Steve here is as old as a fossil but he sure knows more about casual tech than you . " . "Yeah "I nod in agreement " All I know is warfare tech . " I shrug as I walk to my room . " See you later, champ?" Steve smirks as he walks past me . " Uh, yeah , sure. " I give him a little wave as I enter the hallway .

When I get out of the room and go into the common room , Steve gallops to me , seemingly excited . " What are you up to , Rogers . " I give him a stern glare before observing the room for anything out of the ordinary . "Don't be tensed up all the time , relax . " Sam chirps , sipping on a can of juice . With a sigh , I ask " Any tasks ?" . Tony perks up , " Hold your horses, Chris , you ain't fully recovered yet , and none at the meantime . " . "I don't need time for healing , I'm good to go anytime . " I scoff and nod at him with acknowledgement at his statement with no missions for now . As they all make up some jokes and laughing around , I stay silent and look at the windows like I always do . "Why don't you join in the fun?" Pepper walks to my side and asks . "I'm not used to mingle with people , Mrs. Stark . " I answer , with my eyes fixated outside . "Oh don't call me Mrs. Stark , we're a family now , are we not?" she laughs .

"I guess , " I mutter .

"Stop with the formality , this is a free place , call me Pepper " she delightfully hits my arm softly .

"I'll try . "

"Relax , things take time , so take your time to adjust , yeah." she smiles as she walks off.

I turn back around and see Steve , Tony, Bucky and Sam playing Monopoly on the table , Natasha and her gang of girls are by the bar and lounge and I decide to join them . " Hey, wanna join us ?" Tony waves at me as Bucky groans in frustration as he is either getting fined and taxed or his piece always ends up in the wrong places . "We could really welcome someone " Steve coos as he pats Bucky in the back to comfort him . " No, thanks , I need some drinks" I politely decline and continue on my way to the bar . Ignoring the gazes on me , I step into the bar , grab a creme de violette and some other liquor and make myself an Aviation No.1 . "Say , what you wanna say ladies , I'm listening ." I say as I feel their stares burning into my skull. " So, what brings you here?" Carol asks as she looks at me and sips on her nice hot cup of tea . " I want to drink ." I reply without looking at anyone . I see Natasha sitting next to me from the corner of my eye. "Hey, " she mutters , " You look like you could use some company " she smirks . " Maybe , I guess. " I raise my eyebrows as I keep staring at the glass. " You know , you don't have to keep it in , you can talk to us . " Yelena sits on my left , ruffling my hair . I reply to her with a hum as I look at her , sighing. " Look , I am fine , I swear and from what I learn , emotions get in the way so it's best to just seal them in. " I shrug and finally look at all of them .

Wanda , shaking her head in disbelief "And who in the hell taught you that ?"

Natasha , sarcastically speaking " He taught himself ."

Wanda , scrunching her nose "Then you are so wrong , man ."

"That's what I said ." Natasha grips my arm .

Utterly speechless, I just look at Natasha in silence . " So , how was it . " Wanda asks with her head tilted . " Pardon me , how was what ?" I ask her in confusion although I get a whiff of the hinting from her . " Y'know , that place ." she replies . "I thought you'll know , you and your brother were abducted by Hydra . " my gaze meets hers. " Wait , how -" I cut her off . " I read through your files , and like the same with Natasha , Yelena and Bucky and all those I purposely let out . I gave you both an opportunity to escape , ever wonder why there are less guards for high profile subjects like you ?"

"You're him . " she closes her mouth with her hands .

I nod at her . "Thank you ." she stutters . " Nay, I just don't want you people to suffer . Since you guys are , humans who deserve a normal life , unlike me . " I flinch in disgust at my own statement ."So , back to the question , how was it , since , you have been trained in the organizations combined ." . I look at her in disbelief , "You're not sparing me of the question , eh. " . With guilt written over her face , I say " Alright , but I will just show you a hint of it , not all of it or else y'all will be traumatized ." I point at my head , indicating for her to read my mind .

Her hands starts glowing red and the glow connects to my head , it feels like a pinch at first but then nothing can be felt except her presence . " Am I hurting you ?" she worriedly asks and everyone is staring at me , expecting me to break down in pain . "No, nothing at all." I assure her and focus on showing her the not so gory part of my past . She stops after 3 minutes , looking at me with widened eyes , " What happened ?", she steps forward . " The things that make me who I am today , a merciless , cold blooded and emotionless murderer , the best soldier the Council has ever created . " I reply her , without a hint of sadness and grief which they all expected . Natasha rubs my back and turn to face Wanda , " What did you see?"

"Him being strapped onto a chair , being injected with multiple substances at once . Tortured , being brainwashed and forced to kill . Non-stop training . Inhumane screams .And a dark , cold cell ." she mutters " And a voice ordering him around like a slave . " Natasha and her looks at me , worried . " I'm fine ." I assure them . " As long as it is worth it , it's nothing . " I mumble . With a sigh , I stand up and go into the bar again , whip out a bottle of wine , look at Tony's direction and yell " Hey, Sir -" I clear my throat " Tony, can I finish this ?" . " Hell yes, buddy !" He yells from across the room with a thumbs up signal . I strip off the plastic covering the cork , screw it out and chug the whole bottle down in one breath . "Whoa , slow down there, bud . " Yelena holds my wrist "You're gonna get drunk pretty easily . " I shake my head , " No, it takes a huge lot to make me drunk , Belova . " I scoff at her as I stash away the empty bottle at a garbage can . "Oh , " Maria delightfully claps , " Why don't we have a slumber party ?" . " Girl , it's like , 2:34 P.M. in the afternoon ." Carol looks at her in dismay . " Okay, not a slumber party , a napping one . " . " What's the difference ?" I asks as both sounds like the exact same thing . " One's in the afternoon and the other is during the night . " Maria scoffs .

"Chris , why don't you join us ?" Carol asks , the others nod in agreement . " Since you're way more mature and calm , unlike the rest of the dudes here . " With a sigh , I agree to go with them . With a voting session , the party is held at my room because it is the most spacious one among the rooms the Tower provides . " Wow , you keep it real neat and tidy ." Wanda exclaims in a admiring tone , " Everything is so organized" . I stay silent with my head held low . After a few movies and me zoning out , everyone is asleep , except for me , Natasha and Wanda . " Get some sleep , Chris . You can't just stay up all day and night " Natasha pushes herself against me as Wanda yawns . "I'll try ." I sigh with frustration as I close my eyes . I can feel her snuggle close to me , already asleep . Within a few minutes , memories of the place and things start flooding back to me. "No" I mutter as my body twitches involuntarily , " Stop. No." I gasp, getting out of breath . Panting , I jolt awake , dropping onto the floor with a loud thump. My mind is racing as I get up and walk to the window , gasping for air. I squeeze my eyes shut , hoping to erase the thoughts in my head . A hand is rubbing my back , overwhelmed by instinct , I spin back and scoot away from whoever is there , trembling and drop to my knees . As my vision clear up a bit , I see Natasha in front of me , calling my name . "I'm fine . " I mutter after my brain has calm itself down , my eyes fixated on the ground . " You don't look fine , you just dropped down on the ground and almost suffocated ." Carol snaps at me .

" I . Am . Fine . Carol Danvers" I firmly stand my ground , my gaze falling on her , cold and grim . I make my way out of my room , " I'm going to go for a walk , to clear my head ." I say as I walk into the hallway. I hear footsteps behind me and turn around , just to see Natasha walking towards me with a warm smile . " Let me guess , you're gonna join me ?" I sarcastically asks. " You bet ." she laughs as she shrugs . "Fine ." I scoff and walk off to a nearby park with her following me closely .

The park is empty , as expected at this hour. The sky is a purplish mast with orange and yellow streaks, a chilly breeze of wind blows at our faces . "It's beautiful , isn't it . " Natasha softly says , her eyes admiring the sky . " It's more interesting than the sky I always see back in the Glade and the cell " I mutter . Realizing that she is now looking at me , I say "Yeah, it is beautiful indeed . " with my eyes still fixated on the sky. "It's your first time ?" she queries , I hum as I response while looking at her . "Your first time seeing the sky like this ?" She asks again , "Yeah." I reply as I look at the sky once more. A wave of uneasiness floods over me as I glance around, expecting an ambush . Holding my arm , Natasha sits me down on a bench , "Come on, we're safe here.", she looks at me , directly in the eye . "Can't let my guard down " I say as I continue looking around . " About the panic attacks ," she starts to speak softly " I'm sorry that you have to go through those. " . Taken aback by her sudden outburst , I speechlessly stare at her face ."Those ?" I query , "I have those after killing 2 specific people " I don't plan on explaining to her who that two people are but a pang of guilt and self hatred erupt within me . "Who are they ?" she asks .

"No one important , prolly I was overwhelmed at the time , I don't know " I scrunch my nose .

She looks at me , I can tell she is worried. " Don't worry about me , I'm fine , I've gotten used to it by now ." I reassuringly look at her , convincing her that I am fine about the panic attacks I have because I really am used to it . She looks like she is convinced for a tad bit , then she stands up , " It's getting late , time to haul ass back " she smirks . With a nod , I stand up when a pack of stray dogs come out of nowhere , snarling at us with saliva drooling down their mouths . Natasha fumbles for her pepper spray when I stop her , " Allow me ." I mutter as I face the canines , " They're animals , not your targets to eliminate , Chris . " she cautiously says . "I know " I reply with my eyes fixated on the leader of the pack , the alpha , a stray black doberman . My pupils turn bright yellow and I let out a low intimidating growl , letting them know what a true alpha is like , baring my fangs at them . They let out a whimper and dart away with their tails tucked between their hind legs .

" Wow, how in the world did you do that ?" she exclaims in fascination , " I'm almost worried that you'll rip them to pieces . " . I turn around , " I'll do it when it's necessary , Natasha . " I mumble , not realizing that my eyes are in the process of returning to its actual color . " Your eyes ." she trails off , attempting to touch my face . "Oh , I sort of went overboard . It's fine. " I mutter as I grab ahold of her hand and slowly pull it down . We make it in time for dinner , Natasha sits at an empty seat , I make my way into the hallway, sighing . "Wanna join us ?" Sharon gestures at me , I stop and say " In a minute . " and on my way to my bathroom .

As I come out after a refreshing cold bath , I stop in my tracks as I hear laughers . I pause for a moment to silently , just having their presence known to me . As I lean at the hallway , looking at them , Carol spots me and waves . " Come on in , dinner's no fun without our mysterious soldier . " . As I sit down , I apologetically look at her and say " My apologies for earlier , shouldn't have done that. " . Carol lets out a snort , " No problem buddy , to be honest though , you look terrifying . ". Steve on the far end of the table , "Yeah , he's scary as hell." . I look at him sarcastically saying " I'll take that as a compliment ". "Oh , right , speaking of terrifying , " Natasha casts me an excited glance , I know deep down what to expect from what she is going to say , " Remember the stray dogs at the park , the ones that will only leave us alone if I spray them with pepper spray ?"

Yelena perks up , "Yeah , nasty buggers, why?"

Natasha , having a satisfied grin on her face , " Chris scared them off way easily . He did not even need to do anything . " . Everyone look at me , confused . " I just showed them who is the actual alpha here , let them know their place." I shrug with a sigh escaping my lips .Natasha shoots me a look of concern and with another sigh , I add " I might've gone a tad bit overboard and they may or may not be traumatized , but all I'm sure of is since they're humbled , they will stay that way . " . Without a word , I start picking on my food , a habit I cannot seem to get rid of . " Ah, checking for drugs , eh ." Bucky chuckles , "Some habits are hard to change , Buck." I mutter my gaze not leaving the dish . "I'll take a guess that Wanda made this ." I say while still picking at the food . " Yeah, how do you know ?" Sam queries , " Through the smell ." I reply . "Sorry , a habit is hard to change , Miss Maximoff . " I apologize as I look at her after picking on the food . "C'mon ," she yelps in annoyance , " It's okay , we understand that you need time , you don't have to apologize . Also , just call me Wanda , not Miss Maximoff , cut the formality . " .

"That's what I said ," Tony echoes from his seat , " Same here." Pepper joins in . "I'll try, I think." I start digging in . "Why do you only eat small portions ?" Bucky asks , " You're the size of a mountain " I look at him , " Calling me a size of a mountain is too overboard , I'm not that tall and buff . That's too big of a hat to wear. " . He smirks , "Why , stop humbling yourself ." . As I get up to clean the dish , Pepper walks to me ,grab my plate and walk to a corner of the kitchen . " Uh , what are you doing ? I can wash the dishes , you know. " I tilt my head at her , confused . "We have an automatic dish washer , Chris . Did you forget ?" . I pause to think for a second , " Nope , but I prefer to manually wash them . " . Pepper , after putting the dish into the dish washer , walks up to me and smiles warmly . "You're not a slave anymore , stop burdening yourself . " . As if I am being struck by a topic I have been avoiding , I slowly turn my gaze at her . " I will be a slave for the rest of my life , there is no changing to that . "I slowly finish my sentence and gratefully bow to her , " Thank you for helping me with the dishes , Mrs....." I pause for a second " Pepper ." . Laughing , she smacks me on the back " Stop with the formality , Chris . "

"It's one of the 'hard to change ' habits of mine . " I mutter as I look around . "You look tired , you good ?" Maria comes over with a concerning smile on her face . "Nay , I'm fine " I reply as I turn around , my sight catching Natasha sipping on a cup of water and Yelena stretching . I turn around and head towards the training hall, trying to not to get overwhelmed . " Oh , do you fence by any chance ?" Tony asks , filled with curiosity . " Yeah , with the three blades , why ?" I reply , not sure why is he asking this all of a sudden . "I've added fencing pistes , well , it's a good way to spend money ." he smirks . "How do you know how to fence though ?" Bucky asks with his head tilted .

"It's a long story . " is all I can say to them , I am not entirely sure to tell them how I actually know the sport but I figure that I will at the right time . "Okay, " Steve claps, " Care for a spar ?" . I look at him , " Which blade ?" , in my mind , I am begging him to answer epee , a blade which target is the whole body . "Epee, is that okay?" he asks, as if my mind is open like a book to him . " Sure, I'll be willing to oblige ." I shrug as I continue on my way to the training hall . I see the pistes at the far end of the hall which is expanded . " So , any thoughts ?" Tony asks , looking like an excited child showing his inventions to his peers . "You've expanded the place and added some stuff. " I reply , not knowing why he is so excited. "Oh," he looks disappointed , " You know , you should really try being cheerful and bright sometimes . Try being positive minded . " he pouts , frowning at me . "I'm not a bright , cherry type of person , if I am , I would be dead by now. " I sarcastically utter . Steve gestures for me to suit up , " C'mon , let's have some fun with this ." he says , smiling broadly. I put on the suit and grab an left hand grip epee . " Ah jeez, this is going to be hard . " Steve says as we salute to the crowd and each other . " How so ?" I ask while putting on my mask. "You're a lefty ." he exasperates , " I can use both hands but I preferably use my left . " I reply . " So, 50 points?" he asks , I nod in agreement .

"En guard , " Tony , being our judge , announces the three callings before we begin . "Pretz " I stare at Steve's posture , he is having his back exposed , I then analyze and predict his movements . I can get a whiff of fear from him , informing myself that I have the advantage . " Allez" , the moment the word escapes from Tony's mouth , I charge forward , fleeching Steve , taking the first point . " That is fast as hell ." Steve chuckles as we both get back into position . " Allez", Steve charges forward , I parry riposte him and strike him at the back . " 2,0" Tony announces in amazement . As the match progress to 10-0 , Tony announces a break time . "Wow, that's splendid footwork ." Natasha smirks as she throws a bottle at my direction . " Thanks ." I mutter as I take a huge swig of water, finishing the entire bottle . Steve is eyeing me , out of annoyance , "What?" I ask him . " Nothing , just fascinated that you read me like a book ." he raises an eyebrow .

"Okay , time's up , in position ." Tony claps . Although I am in position , my eyes never leave Steve . "Allez" , both of us charge into each other , Steve lunges into me , I sway to the side and hit him at the foot . "My goodness!" Pepper yelps , jumping with excitement , " Go, buddy !" Wanda cheers as I step back to position . As the match starts , my mind , instead of analyzing what is in front of me , starts giving me flashbacks , letting Steve have the chance to stab his epee on my chest , which brings me back into reality . "Damn it " I whisper as I stand into position , shaking my head . " You okay? You just stood there." Steve's worried tone hits me . I give him a nod and the match starts again. It is now 40-1 with 3 break times . " Damn , and I thought I have a chance . " Steve chuckles . I stay silent , not wanting to be distracted . The match ends with 50 -1 , me as the victor .

After a cold bath , I lay on my bed with a sigh escaping my mouth .I hear a faint knock on the door , I get up , grumbling , and open the door just to see Natasha on the other side of the door . " What can I help you with ?" I slightly frown at her. "Oh , just checking up on you . " she chuckles with a small smirk . " Is this a routine , or are you actually worried ?" I question her , leaning against the doorframe . " The latter ." her tone wavering . " Come on in " I move aside , letting her in . She sits on the side of the bed , looking at me . " So, what makes you going all motherly on me , Romanoff ?" I ask as I lean back against the wall . " You're hiding something, spit it out . " she frowns at me , I shake my head , keeping my gaze steady , " None to report to you , Ma'am ." I answer . " Chris, " she pronounces my name sharply , I stand still , " Yes?" I reply , flabbergasted by my reaction , she tries to force the words out of my mouth , " Talk to me , please . " she pleads , eyes wide .

" About what ?" I ask , trying to not break my character . " Don't keep it in , it's eating you up ." Natasha arose from the bed , walks up and grabs my arms , squeezing them . I tilt my head sideways , as if I have no idea what is she implying . " Don't give me that look , just talk about it , please ?" she is questioning me now . With a sigh , I look at her , her expression seems to be expecting me to tell her what she wants to hear . " I have no idea what to say to you unless you state what you want to hear from me , I'm not a mind reader like Wanda" I give her a slight frown as I turn to look out the windows . " What you're keeping from us . " she stops for a brief second , " Your emotions and thoughts too. " she raises an eyebrow . Locking on her gaze , I say " You all should've known what I am before you even meet me . I mean you guys have info brokers , no?" I question her . " No, you're too secretive to even know your actual background , the Council apparently never keep anything as secretive and highly protected as you . You're like as if you just appear out of nowhere , for the most of us it seems . " she explains . " Even the best brokers have nothing on you . You're pretty low profile for a top standard soldier . " she cracks a small smile . " I see, now there goes my expectations on brokers . " I scoff.

"Oh, as for emotions , I have absolutely none . " I blankly stare at her . I am expecting a lecture from her but she says " I know it's hard for you to open up to us but at the least you know who you can talk to if you ever want to talk about it ." . "Why do you make it sound like a therapy or counseling session , Nat? I'm fine , seriously ." I look away .

She then exits my room , gives me a worried gaze over her shoulders before disappearing into her room , closing the door behind her . I let out a sigh of relief as I look outside the window once more , a small lump forms in my throat as various thoughts race through my head . I do not want to show them the weakling I actually am , if I am to be their wings of protection , I have to keep my emotions locked up till the day I fall.