Qiqi

I struggled with the ties that bound all my limbs to the bed posts, trying to release at least one of my wrists. The knots on one grew tighter, while another became looser. I focussed on that one, hoping to be able to free myself before my kidnapper returned.

My head pounded with an awful headache, but that wasn't about to stop me. I thought about how I had ended up here in the first place. One moment, I had been talking to my senior whom I had just happened to come across on the street, and the next I had found myself here.

I had always admired Senior Ray from the class above me. He had been perfect. Perfect in looks, perfect in grades, perfect in temperament. Everyone loved him and even the place he had interned in hadn't wanted to let him go. He always had a gaggle of admiring girls trailing after him, hanging on his every word.

The most interaction I had with him was the time his admirers pushed past me to get to him so roughly that I had been pushed off the footpath onto the raised section of the garden bed, and then pushed off the tall section of that raised garden bed, grazing my arm and leg.

Under the jealous gazes of the other women, he had helped me up and to the doctor's clinic on campus. He had even waited for my wounds to be seen to and escorted me back to my dormitory later. Although I had thanked him, I remembered asking him to keep his distance so that I wouldn't be killed by his jealous entourage. They were hard enough to deal with when I didn't want to be around him because of them, or around them because of him. Either way, it would lead to bruises in places nobody else could see.

I knew I wasn't worthy. There was no chance that he would ever look at me clearly. There were so many other better girls out there to choose from than person from the dregs like me. As the other girls had reminded me while dunking my head in the toilets, I was nothing, no one and not worthy to even carry his shoes. My tongue should not even try to utter his glorious name in case I dirtied it.

So when I had seen him in that dank alley as I passed by it on the rainy street and he had seen me passing by, likely looking like a bedraggled cat, I had been surprised that he had remembered me. Remembered my name. Knew who I was and where I worked now.

He had caught me up in a surprisingly pleasant although wet hug.

"I was so upset when you had asked me to keep my distance and told me that you had no interest in me," he had lamented, using his coat to try and shelter the both of us from the rain. "I thought you were cute and wanted to get to know you more, by didn't have the chance. I noticed you often being dragged around by your classmates and trying not to get in anyone's way."

My heart had melted at that. Did you hear? He had noticed me. Who, besides those who hated me, had ever noticed me?

When he had suggested I go to his place to wait out the rain, I had agreed, overlooking an important matter. What had he been doing in that dark little alley? I didn't know what was in there, but now that I thought of it, it was more than a little suspicious.

Back in the present, I managed to get one hand free and then used my free hand to unknot my other hand. Ignoring my nakedness and the bruises or hickey marks on my bare skin, I worked on freeing my feet. Only to find that on my right ankle, I had been tricked by the cloth. My ankle had been cuffed with metal and was chained to the bed.

Now wasn't the time to panic. Now was the time to make use of the time I had and to get moving.

Following the chain, I tried to find its other end, hoping to find a weakness where I could break myself free. It lead me to look under the corner of the bed in order to try and see where the chain led and was connected to.

"What did you find?" asked a voice into my right ear and I jumped straight into my senior's embrace. "Someone is eager," he chuckled, catching and caressing me while I shivered under his touch.

I both enjoyed it and hated it. Enjoyed it because of my old crush on him. Hated it because he had imprisoned me here and had taken advantage of me while I was unconscious. I didn't think he had done me yet, but he had certainly left an impressive number of hickeys all over my body. Not that my body was anything to look at, being all skin and bones. I was surprised that he had been interested enough to even touch me. Was he desperate or something?

I squirmed in his arms, trying to break free, but he held me tight, his kisses wandering from my ears and neck up my face and down my shoulders. It made me tremble and shiver in his arms even more.

"All you girls are the same," he sighed. "Or well, not so much you. The other girls, upon finding themselves here made a big fuss. You, on the other hand, managed to remain calm enough to free your other limbs in record time and discover my surprise. Even so, you all have this amusing expression of conflicting emotions. I love it."

That made me pause.

"But then you were always a quiet little one. Always at the edge and at the corner or things. Not daring to make a sound or be noticed. You hated it when people noticed you. That's why I couldn't help dropping your name every now and then during uni to all those women who wanted to be my girlfriend. Watching you being bullied was so interesting. Your reactions reminded me of a very docile pet kitten I once had. No matter how I abused it, it would always eventually return to me to ask for more."

His fine hands with the long fingers kneaded my shrunken breasts and I couldn't stop myself from shaking. Was I excited, afraid or both? Seriously, what did he see in me? He wasn't going to let me go?

"I wonder if you've changed? From your reactions, not very much."

He lifted me up onto the bed and sat me on his elegant suited knee. I didn't dare to look up into his face. Into the face of the man I had once admired so much. From what he had said, he was a criminal. Likely having played with quite a number of women before happening upon me in all my blind excitement at having met my crush. Alone. Without anyone else trying to push me out of the way or vie for his attention. Perhaps in that alley, he had been getting rid of the body of his last victim.

"What's with this expression on your face? I thought you hated me? You were always forced to come and watch me with your classmates. I saw how they held you by your wrists until you were bruised and yanked you around. You didn't like me and yet you were always there with them in the crowd."

He flicked my nipples, making me wince. I didn't dare to resist, having noticed the blade hidden inside his sleeve. Just one wrong move - one wrong action to make him angry and I'd probably be dead. Like all the others. If there were others.

Now that I looked around the room, there were suspicious splatter marks on some of the walls. I also seemed to smell blood.

"I've gotten tired of all those brainless women throwing themselves at me. They were mostly just lusting after looks, money or hoping to be my wife and what that position would bring them. They just wanted bragging rights and superficial things, like a stupid man who would fawn over them and make them feel special, spoil them like the little princesses they are and give them anything they want without question. They didn't really care about me at all. But when they found themselves in your position, they would scream, make a mess and call me names. They would curse me. None of them wanted to be with me anymore. And if they said they did, they were liars. They would try to escape the first opportunity they got when they were the ones who had tried so hard to invite themselves over to my place. Not you though. I will admit. You wouldn't have come unless I had a good excuse when I invited you. To be honest, I was a bit surprised at how easily you followed me. I was expecting to do a bit more verbal wrangling."

My senior tied me back up to the bed posts, returning me to my original starfish position and although I was reluctant, I didn't dare to resist either.

"But you're different. You're smart," he kissed me on my eyes and nose. "You've already realised that it's pointless to try to escape and useless to resist. I can see your eyes keep being drawn to the knife in my sleeve. You're the first to notice it, by the way. I can see the surrender in your eyes. Just like I thought. You were made for me. Everything you do just seems to please me so much. No matter how much you hated me, I will make you fall in love with me eventually. After a while, you won't even think about wanting to leave. You'll willingly stay by my side, even when I take the chain off you. You will be my little kitten who always comes back, won't you?"

If I was really trapped here with him forever, I wondered if anyone would miss me. If anyone would notice that I was gone. If anyone cared enough about me to find that I had suddenly disappeared from off the face of the earth. Work would probably just replace me. My colleagues would forget about me. My manager would likely assume that I hadn't been able to keep up and had decided not to come in anymore.

Maybe my senior colleague, my desk mate, maybe he might notice me missing. Chen Lun was a nice guy and had been very kind and attentive in mentoring me. Then again, he would probably be the only one to notice me missing, report it and then when I never returned, eventually forget about me.

"What are you thinking about? Don't get distracted," my senior kissed the corner of my lips and then made a trail of kisses down my chest, eventually capturing a nipple between his lips. He licked and sucked and I shuddered, making his mouth turn up while he continued to suck and nibble. His hands roamed downwards and I flinched when he reached my sensitive areas.

His fingers were icy cold, making me feel where his fingers traced all the more.

"I am going to make you mine," he whispered into my ear, lipping my ear lobes and making me shudder from the strong tingles tickling me from the inside out. "I am going to make love to you and pour my seed into you. You will not resist and you will love me," he told me. "You will bear my children and obey my every word. My work is very stressful and I want to come home to a peaceful and loving home where my wife does everything I want the way I want. I have enough seniors who are jealous of my talents and are trying to crush me without needing to have to deal with a woman who wants to do the same. Do you understand?"

I swallowed, unable to answer. One of his fingers was drawing circles around my entrance and another was massaging my electrical knob down there, flicking it every now and then, making me flinch and jerk to his rhythm.

"My woman will have to put up with a lot. I hope you have what it takes and do better than all the other girls before you," my senior told me. "If you can't speak, then nod if you understand."

I hesitated, looking away, but he grabbed my chin and forced me to look into his eyes. His dark eyes pierced through me, penetrating to my core.

"I see you need more persuasion," he gave me an evil smile. "If you were so easily subdued, I would be disappointed and get bored. Good girl. It seems it was the right choice when I decided to bring you home."

He kissed me and although I pressed my lips together at first to express my refusal, his hand down there stirred things up, making me gasp. With that, his tongue entered my mouth and plundered all my air and the sensation from my lips and tongue. I felt like I was melting into him, while he dominated me and quelled any attempts of rebellion with forceful ease.

His fingers continued to rub against my electrical control, while the other searched my body for other sensitive spots. Whenever he found them, he would smile and kiss me so deeply that I'd feel on the verge of fainting.

"Ah, your body is now asking me for more," he murmured and I stiffened in surprise, not even having realised that I had been trying to press myself into him. He smiled down at me. "Good girl," he gave me a peck on the nose. "You're quite the virgin aren't you? Never had a man touch you?"

I shook my head while his grin widened.

"You haven't even touched yourself before, have you?" he asked, and his hand made me gasp again, while I shook my head.

He beamed with delight. It was a smile so dazzling that I couldn't breathe for a moment.

"Then I will make sure to be gentle," he told me, "and give you a good first time. I want it to be wonderful, pleasurable and addictive. I want you to want me as much as I want you. Ah," he buried his face in the side of my neck, kissing, nibbling and licking, making shivers course up and down my body all the more strongly. I couldn't help moaning. "You're so cute. You really are the one for me, aren't you? I've finally found you and got you."

He continued to search and examine my body until he seemed to have found all the spots that made me shudder or melt when he touched. And then, he attacked my body by stimulating them all to the point I could barely think. My brain was like a melted gooey mush of mushness.

"Tell me you want me," he demanded, fingering the handle of the blade in his sleeve, as if he would kill me without a moment's thought if I dared to say otherwise. The sight of the blade handle woke me up from my daze a little bit and I stared at him through watery eyes. "Tell me that you want me in you and that you want me to plunge my sword into its god given sheath until I fill you with all of me. Tell me you want me to enter and defile your temple and make you mine. Say it. Come on. Say it."

He licked his lips and I tried to clear my mind of the hazy fog of need. I wanted to say what he wanted, but on the other hand, something was holding me back.

"As expected of my woman," he barked a laugh of triumph, "my chosen woman understands me too well."

He rubbed himself against me and I felt his heat and hardness.

"You want this too, don't you?" he chuckled, undressing himself slowly. "You just want to prolong the fun and foreplay. You're enjoying this, aren't you? Even though it's your first time, you must have had fantasies. How about you tell me your fantasies and I'll see whether I can fulfill them? Don't tell me that one of them is being pleasured and forced against your will?"

His fingers played with me down there, making me gasp and moan.

"To be honest, a completely docile woman would be a bit boring," he told me, showing me how I had finally become wet down there. "You really do like the idea of being forced, don't you?" he asked and slowly began to sink a single long finger in, making my eyes widen at the sensation. "Oh, you're so tight. We definitely need to loosen you up before we go much further. Ah. And this," he poked at a painful barrier. "I will make sure you enjoy when I break past your doors and plunder you from the inside out. I will ravish you until all you can do is scream my name. Oh. You got even wetter. You like that idea, do you? Your body is very honest. Perhaps because it's your first time, but you are far more lovely and sensitive than any other woman I've gotten to this stage before."

He suckled my breasts again as his finger moved slowly in me. It was slow. Too slow. Slow enough that I didn't even realise when I had begun bringing my hips to meet him. I wanted in him. Deeper. Inside.

I just couldn't bring myself to say it.

"Don't bite your lips like that," he whispered, pushing a second finger in and stretching me open. "I won't be able to control myself."

I came for the first time, with a small ripple of excitement. It was good, but it wasn't as enjoyable or intense as people made it out to be. Ray seemed to notice and also looked a bit put out that I had such a small reaction.

"That's all?" he asked me and ruffled his hair when I nodded. He stopped and stepped back, looking me up and down. "Huh," he said and then left the room.

I got back to freeing what limbs I could and tried to forget that thrill of anticipation. I tried to forget the pleasure and sensation of him on me. His fingers in me. I shouldn't be enjoying myself after being kidnapped but... I had been kidnapped by my crush and he wanted to make me his. Wasn't it a dream come true?

Once I was free except for the cuff and chain on my right ankle, I examined the room. There was a small wardrobe and an equally small bathroom with toilet. I took a shower and used the already prepared towels. I found a new toothbrush, cleaned my teeth and tried to open the blinds to look out the window. The blinds didn't budge.

Instead, I peered through the crack in the blinds. Or tried to. I still couldn't see anything besides the window frame. What could I do? I shrugged and took myself back to the bed.

I wasn't too fussed about my situation. It wasn't something I would have chosen but having found myself here, it wasn't a big deal. My job salary wasn't enough for me to pay for my apartment rent, even if I starved and didn't eat. I had been searching for a new place to stay, wondering what would happen if I ended up living on the city streets. Again. It had already been two days since I had last eaten. If I hadn't found a place to stay tonight, my landlord was going to throw me and all my things out anyway. Not that I had anything valuable.

Staying as a kidnapped prisoner of Senior Ray suited me just fine. I'd have shelter, food and drink. While I'd have little control or freedom, I wouldn't have to live on the streets again. I wouldn't have to work or pay rent. All the difficult stuff would be done. The up side would be that I'd be living with a handsome man that I had considered way out of my reach.

I'd do anything he wanted if it meant not being alone on the streets. I'd cook and clean for him if he asked.

He was doing me a huge favour by letting me stay here. Now if only he would feed me.

I slept on the bed, using a warm blanket I had found and drank water from the tap to fill my stomach when after two days, he didn't return. The water in this city wasn't clean. It was the type that needed to be boiled and treated first. Unsurprisingly, drinking the raw water made me sick and gave me the runs.

Other than that, I luxuriated in the joy of not having to do anything and having no responsibilities. There was no stress. No chores. No work. I could sleep to my heart's content.

I woke up to find myself in a hospital where the doctor was telling Senior Ray to take better care of his girlfriend. Make sure I didn't drink dirty, untreated water. Make sure I ate my meals and stopped trying to slim down for him. In short, make sure I was well cared for and that no demands were made of me.

Because I had just nearly died from starvation and dehydration from all that diarrhoea. Whatever could be low in my blood test was very low and although my body didn't look too bad yet, that was because my body had only just started cannabalising itself and taking energy from my muscles because I had little fat left.

Senior Ray looked taken back and had looked at me with a whole new light in his eyes.

"I thought she was skinny, but I didn't realise it was that bad," he said.

"We should inform her parents or relatives as well," one doctor said. "According to her bones, she's not an adult yet."

That took both Senior Ray and me aback.

"She's finished university," Senior Ray pointed out. "She was born two years after me. How can she not be an adult?"

"Bones don't lie," the doctor tapped his folder and I scratched my head, frowning. "I suspect the birth date is wrong. Young lady, what's going on? Where are your parents? This identity you gave us isn't your real identity is it?"

I could only give the doctor a perplexed gaze. This was the only identity I had ever had and the only name I had ever had. The last I had seen my parents was at the end of middle highschool, after I had moved into the senior high school dormitory. I had gone back to visit only to find them gone and I didn't know where. The only phone number I had was the house landline and that had been disconnected.

They had at least been kind enough to pay all my school fees to the end of senior high. I had worked hard to pay my own university fees.

I stared at the doctor at a loss for what to do. He made a phone call when he realised that neither Ray nor myself would be very useful in providing him the answers he wanted.

The police got involved and I was thoroughly questioned. Senior Ray insisted on being by my side and answering for me to the point that he was forced to leave so that the police could question me properly. I left out my kidnapping and talked instead about how Senior Ray had found me wandering on the street and had taken me in out of the kindness of his heart. He had given me a strange perplexed glance upon hearing what I had said after the police all clapped him on the back and said what a good man he was.

That was until they discovered the bodies in the alley and it turned up on the news. And then, Senior Ray glared at me. I raised my hands in surrender. I had only mentioned that alley in passing, saying that was where I had met him. How had I known that the police would actually investigate it?

Alright. I did know. I had dropped a few hints, but wasn't sure whether the police had picked up on it. It seemed like they had.

After all, I didn't want to live with a rapist murderer on the edge of death all the time, wondering when I would be killed. What he was doing and had done wasn't right and he shouldn't be able to get away with it.

That night, Senior Ray dragged me out of the hospital, took us home and packed the apartment up, bleaching the place clean. Feeling that I couldn't be trusted, Senior Ray had fed me sleeping drugs and tied me up in the car.

The next thing I knew was that I had been dumped on the grass in the middle of nowhere and the car had turned into a blazing bonfire. Yanking me up by the ropes, Senior Ray gave me a tight smile that promised I'd be dealt with later. Then holding me tight, led me to walk with him into the mountain wilderness. I didn't complain. I didn't dare. I just followed him like the docile pet he wanted me to be.

It turned out that he had already prepared an escape plan and already had a very well stocked cabin deep, deep in the mountains. I wondered whether running away had been overkill and had made him a more obvious culprit. Not that I mentioned it to him. Whatever floated his boat. It was no skin off my nose to follow him and keep him happy.

It was kind enough of him to feed me and bring me along at all so that I wouldn't have to face the struggles of society and finding a new place for myself. I hated that city anyway and had always wanted to leave. This was a great opportunity.

The promised punishment wasn't really much of a punishment at all. It was just him touching me but not really doing much else to me. At this point in time, it meant nothing. He fed me and talked to me and let me off the chain. We cleared a plot of land to grow vegetables and cleaned up the house to live in. At night, he pleasured me and taught me how to help satisfy his urges, but he never went so far as to take me like he said he would. In short, although we worked hard and it was a frugal, difficult life, it was also very pleasant and somewhat free of the stresses of society. I managed to remain a virgin.

It was when we began to run out of vitamin supplements and other important things that we couldn't make ourselves that society intruded upon our quiet life because of the trips we had to make into town. I think Senior Ray knew that his time was pretty much up after the last trip he had made to buy some sanitary pads for me. He hadn't said much but the way he organised and prepared everything, the way he gave his instructions, it seemed that he was saying goodbye.

That night was the first time he went the whole way. He took me the entire night, even when I had fainted and had kept going until dawn. It was as if he couldn't get enough of me. Then while I had been lying exhausted in bed, he had given me a kiss and then disappeared. I didn't know whether it was good luck that it was during my safe period just before my mentruation started.

I was found by police when they barged in hours later, still in pain and too dazed to reply. After covering me up, they had taken me back to the nightmare of a city to be examined and checked and questioned. They continued the search for him for months but never found him.

A charity to aid victims of crime had helped me find accommodation and a casual job. I didn't report the fact that he had followed us back to the city and moved in with me. Only now, I was the breadwinner. Senior Ray seemed to be frustrated that he couldn't do more, but he did delight in the fact that I had gotten pregnant when he took me to bed a few more times. I didn't love it. But then I didn't hate it anymore either. I had gotten used to him and his ways.

The police closed in on his whereabouts again when someone on the street recognised him. Then he could only come home for fleeting visits. I had no idea where he was the rest of the time. The families of some other victims were furious that I had survived when their daughters hadn't. I didn't understand what it had to do with me. They barged into my apartment and trashed the place, beating me up on the floor while I did my best to protect the baby in my belly.

Senior Ray entered like a whirlwind of fury when he came home to find me under attack. There was hot blood spraying everywhere, screaming, fighting and then silence. He dropped to his knees in front of me, covered with blood. I wiped some blood off his once handsome face with a trembling hand while he kissed it and my face, tears falling down his cheeks, making strange trails in the blood there.

There were sirens outside and shouting voices over the speakers for him to surrender and come out with his hands up, but he could only kneel in front of me. There were several kitchen knives in him and one of his ears was missing. His handsome jaw was smashed crooked and one of his eyes was pouring with blood.

He gurgled blood and couldn't speak, but I knew what he was trying to say. He was trying to reassure me and keep me calm. To tell me that help was coming for me. He wasn't going to survive. I wasn't sure whether our baby would either. My belly hurt and something felt very wrong. Very, very wrong.

When he fell onto his side, struggling to stay with me a little longer, I inched my way over to him and put his hand on my big belly. He smiled a big smile, while tears dripped from his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he mouthed. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head lightly and smiled in reply. With that he seemed to heave a sigh of relief. With his own blood, he wrote a word on my belly and then closed his eyes, breathing his last. His hand slid off my belly to the floor.

I could barely see my belly - it was so big, and so didn't know what he had written. Staring at him, I felt it was a pity. A pity he had wasted his life like this in such a stupid way for stupid reasons. If only we had gotten together properly from the beginning and he hadn't been so twisted, we could have been a good couple. Much better than now.

Police stormed into the silent apartment checking around corners for nonexistent assailants. They checked the bodies of the people who had been killed with a slashing knife or ripped apart by an angry man trying to protect his woman. They checked the bloody man in front of me and seemed slightly relieved to find him dead. Finally, they came to me and when I only stared at them quietly in between shallow breaths, they furrowed their eyebrows. Their words became sharper. More anxious. With a shout, paramedics came rushing in. I only blinked at their questions and didn't respond to their commands to squeeze their fingers or show any sign that I could understand them. I barely felt the painful stimuli. My whole body was already wracked with pain. Bad pain. Sweat inducing, head whirling, darkness beckoning pain. It was all I could do to try and stay awake long enough to hope the baby would be ok. Just keeping breathing was difficult enough.

In the hospital, that night, I went into labour. I was in labour for three or four days that I could remember, but then it had become an endless nightmare. It could have been a week. I wasn't sure. There was a reason that a caesarean couldn't be performed but I wasn't sure what it was. I refused to give up until the child was born. The baby came out with a stinky gush, I heard no miraculous cry. There were no congratulations. The medical staff were all serious and solemn.

The child was stillborn.

My body had suffered a lot from the beating. I hadn't been able to protect the baby. What use was I? What a waste. The last memory of the man who could have been perfect was gone.

It wasn't a surprise then that I nearly died. Several times. I don't know how the medical staff did it. I hadn't expected to survive, but survive I had. I had lived and survived with survivor's guilt, nightmares and an erratic memory.

In an empty park where busy people rushed through to take a shortcut to a major intersection, I sat alone. I wasn't healthy enough to go back to work and even if I wanted to, I doubted anyone would want to employ me. Not with my health the way it was. Not when I was the ex-girlfriend of a mass murderer. I had no money. Nowhere to stay besides the charity apartment that was still locked up by investigating authorities. I was too good for a hospital but had no other place to go.

The charity for victims of crime had found the money to pay my medical fees, but then had insufficient funding for my accommodation. What a life. What a society we lived in. At least the medical fees had been payed.

It was very likely that I'd end up spending the night on this park bench.

The overcast sky finally decided to release its heavy load and icy rain fell. It wasn't long before the rain seeped into all my thin layers of clothes. Soaked and drenched to the skin, shivering, I continued to sit, not knowing what else to do with myself and wondering why I hadn't died. People hurrying past gave me strange glances but nobody cared enough to do anything. It was fine. I didn't expect them to do anything for a stranger either. If I was them, I would ignore me too.

The past few years had been like a dream. Had it been one year or more? I wasn't sure. Living on the edge of homelessness with a murderer and with the threat of being discovered had been very stressful. Living out in the wild mountains had been an entirely different sort of life. I had gone from misery to misery. I wasn't sure I was ready or able to live in normal city society again. I wasn't sure I wanted to. I almost wanted to go back to that mountain cabin and the simple living.

Perhaps I would sit here, get hypothermia and end up in hospital again. At least it was warm and there was food there. Then again, maybe I would catch a cold and then because my body was so weak, die from it. Whatever happened, it wouldn't matter. Nobody would care or miss me anyway.

The icy rain suddenly stopped falling on me although I could see and hear it falling all around me. It hadn't stopped raining. Something had covered and sheltered me from it. Instead of the softer pitter patter, I heard the drumming of rain falling on a taut surface - an umbrella.

Someone had stopped. Someone had noticed me and dared to care. Who was it?

I lifted my head and noticed the scuffed black leather dress shoes. Old work suit pants under a puffy overcoat. An office worker with compassion. What a rarity.

"Hey," said a soft male tenor that sounded familiar. I couldn't place where I had heard the voice before. The figure crouched down to bring his eyes to my level. "Are you ok?"

Looking up into the man's face, he started back when he saw my face and almost lost his balance. I blinked with surprise. What were the odds that the person who had stopped would be somebody that I knew?

"Heavens, Qiqi," he exclaimed, standing up and then squatting down, fidgeting with excitement. He shuffled forwards and shuffled backwards repeatedly. "Is that you? Where've you been? I mean, how are you? Are you alright? I heard about you on the news. What are you doing here? It's so cold and your lips are blue. Why haven't you gone home?"

I scrounged my memory for this guy's name. I remembered he had been a nice guy. He had taken care of me before. There was a warmth to my faded memories of his.. Where did I know him from?

"When you didn't come to work for a few days, the manager didn't bother looking for you. When you didn't answer your phone, he got someone to replace you. Even when we found out you had been kidnapped by a serial rapist and killer, he still refused to do anything. I've been trying to find you or find a way to contact you all this time. I've been so worried. I heard about the massacre and you being pregnant... how's the baby? Where's the baby? Is it ok?" the man gushed, his hands fluttering over me as if he wanted to help me up but didn't want to overstep his boundaries. "You can't stay here. We have to go somewhere and get you into dry clothes. You need to warm up. Where do you live? I'll escort you there."

I could only stare into the kind man's eyes. I had no way to tell him I had no where to live. For some reason, when I looked into his concerned eyes, tears welled up and spilled down his cheeks.

"Oh, Qiqi," he gasped, hugging me, despite the fact that I was making his suit wet. I didn't understand why he was crying or why he would hug me like that, but the hug was quite nice. I didn't know why, but it made me cry as well. "You're ok. You're going to be ok. You have to believe that, alright?"

When I still didn't reply, he looked at me and my head drooping back down again.

"Stuff it," he said, trying to pull me upright. My legs were numb and wouldn't hold my weight, making him stagger. He sat me back down on the bench. "I'm taking you home with me," he said, "whether you want to or not. I can't leave you here like this."

A few passersby saw the kind man struggling and came over to offer their help. A taxi was called and I was wrapped in somebody's coat and put in the warm back seat of the vehicle. Phone numbers were exchanged so that the coat could be given back and then the taxi drove into the old downtown area. Wrapped in the coat, the kind man picked me up after paying the taxi driver and carried me up the old stairs of the old apartment building. He had to stop to rest every flight of stairs.

"Why are you so light?" he asked me while panting up one flight of stairs and was delighted when he saw my tiny smile of amusement. "A smile! Qiqi, I saw a smile!"

My smile went out and I hid my face from his view, making him chuckle.

"I texted my parents while we were still in the taxi. When we go in, you should go straight to have a hot shower. My mum said you can borrow her clothes. When you come out of the shower, you can eat something before going to sleep. My sister got married and moved out. You can use her room for now," he panted while he carried me up the stairs.

Patting his shoulder, I gestured for him to let me down. Carefully, he did so but my legs buckled under me.

"Nevermind," he told me, when I tried and tried to use the rail to pull myself upright. For some reason, I just didn't have the energy. Glumly, I could only lower my head and put up with him carrying me again. "Don't be upset. You're cold and tired. You'll get better."

A door opened and a worried older couple peered out at us from the doorway. The older man hurried over to help carry me into the house. With the help, the kind man was able to move faster.

"Heavens, her lips and fingers are almost black and she's shivering so hard. Take her into the bathroom. I'll help her take her clothes off and have a hot bath. I've already started running the water," said the older lady, fussing around me.

The men laid me down on the bathroom floor on a fluffy bath mat. The older woman made a fuss, chattering nonstop and nagging at me in a kindly manner.

"Don't be shy," she told me. "We're both women here. You need to get warmed up quickly. Once you're in the bathtub, I'll go and boil you some brown sugar and ginger water. How could you let yourself get so soaked? You have to take care of your health."

Somehow, the thin and wet layers of clothes were peeled off.

"No wonder you were so cold, you're wearing so little and on a cold and wet night like this. What were you thinking?"

I half climbed and was half helped into the hot bathtub of water where I couldn't help but close my eyes in comfort. This was nice. The heat was so good.

A worried hand patted my cheek.

"Don't fall asleep. You can't sleep in the bathtub. You might drown. Here, lean forwards. I'll help you wash your hair."

The aunty was very careful and kind. She seemed to notice some newly healed scars, tracing them with her fingers. Although she seemed to tremble with anger, she didn't say anything.

Warmed up, but still shivering, I was helped out of the bathtub, dried and dressed. I stumbled when I tried to walk and the older woman shouted outside for some help. In the end, I was helped into another room, tucked into a bed together with heat packs and hot water bottles, where I finally fell asleep with a sigh of relief.

I was shaken awake a few times by the worried older lady the next day, mostly to eat, drink or to go to the toilet. This continued for the next few days. It was more than a week later before I was awake enough and strong enough to be able to walk around the apartment and take more interest into who this kindly family were.

"Chen Lun," the name popped up into my head at dinner as I finally recognised my old desk mate colleague from work from an age ago. He had been my senior and mentor, and had been very nice to me while he was training me or helping me with work matters. "You're Chen Lun."

There was a silence at the dinner table.

"You can talk?" Aunty Chen had frozen with her chopsticks halfway across the table.

"You finally recognised me," said Chen Lun, putting down his chopsticks to reach for a tissue and dab at his watering eyes. "I've been so worried."

"Why are you crying?" I tilted my head, passing him another tissue.

"Because I've been worried. Worried to death about you," Chen Lun sobbed and his father patted his back. "You've been like the living dead this past week, ever since I brought you home. I thought you were going to die, but the doctor said you were fine and just needed the rest."

I frowned, trying to remember what the proper response to something like this might be.

"I'm - I'm sorry I died?"

It seemed that was the wrong words or the wrong answer because the whole family burst into tears.

"I'm sorry. Sorry," I said, feeling a little flustered and not quite understanding what was going on. "Don't cry. Please don't cry."

You'd have thought that I had bullied them or something. But it was a fact that I had been very unwell and that they had done me a great service. The problem was that I had nothing to repay them with.

Seeing that I could now talk, I was bombarded with questions. So many questions. The questions made my head hurt and mind whirl. Like my brain was about to crash. I closed my eyes to try and stop the spinning.

"Mum, Dad, stop asking her so many questions," Chen Lun wiped his eyes and tried to stop his parents.

"You need to tell us where you're from, young lady, and how to contact your parents," Aunty Chen ignored him and continued to chatter. "You've been so unwell that we considered sending you to the hospital. We really need to let your parents know so that they can come and pick you up. You're still so young."

The room seemed to pulse before my eyes and turn around me. The more she talked and the more she wanted to know, the faster the room began to turn around me. My chest grew tight so that it was hard to breathe. A sharp pain pierced my head.

"Qiqi," an anxious hand patted my cheek. It seemed that I was sleeping on the floor. "Qiqi, wake up. Mum, I told you to stop. Now look what you've done. You already know that she's so weak."

I groaned and sat up, looking around the room at the unfamiliar people. Getting up slowly, I swayed on unsteady feet. Voices spoke at me but I couldn't understand them. I only knew I needed to get away. That I couldn't stay here.

Tottering around while people tried to catch me, I found the front door and headed for the stairs so that I could leave this unwelcome place. I promptly fell down the stairs.

A doctor examined my eyes with a light pen and checked my head.

"She's fine. Just a very mild concussion and a few bruises. You can take her home. Just keep an eye on her and make sure she gets plenty of rest. We can't tell you much besides the fact that her health is very weak. Be gentle with her. Ever since the baby was born stillborn, she hasn't been quite right. We don't even know where she went. We hadn't finished the discharge procedures and hadn't finalised where she was going to go. She just walked out of hospital one day and we couldn't find her. What relationship do you all have with her?"

"She was my colleague. I found her unwell and sitting in the park in the rain a week ago," Chen Lun's voice said.

"I see. I'm glad she's found someone reliable to help take care of her. Bring her in if anything else happens, such as projectile vomiting, worsening headache, slurred speech and so on but I think she should be fine. Don't put her in any stressful situations. She may not be able to handle it."

I was helped upright and walked out to the carpark where a taxi was hailed to take me home. Wherever home was.

The family were having a debate in the taxi about whether they could afford to continue looking after me.

"I'll look after her," Chen Lun announced, bringing an end to the quarrel. "I like her. I should have confessed to her before she went missing. Now that she's back, although she's unwell, I'm willing to take care of her for the rest of my life."

Aunty Chen was all a-fluster, talking about the importance of continuing the family name and whether she'd ever get to hold a grandchild. She mentioned the medical cost of keeping me and I closed my eyes, feeling a tear trickle out from between my closed eyelids.

Although she'd been very kind, I understood. I wasn't wanted here either. She wanted me gone and didn't think I was a good match for her son. Fair enough. It was true. I wasn't the daughter-in-law she hoped and envisioned me to be.

Warm hands covered my ears and warm eyes looked down into my face from where I was lying on his chest. One hand uncovered my ear and wiped the tears from my face. Then he covered my ears again with a look of determination.

"Mum, I'm keeping her," he said. "And Mum, she's awake. She heard everything."

There was an embarrassed and stunned silence.

"That's my son," said Uncle Chen turning around from the front seat to look at us in the backseat after the silence had become awkward. "You've finally become a man."

Aunty Chen made a strangled noise.

"Just you two wait until we get home."

I was helped slowly up the many stairs by Chen Lun while his parents went ahead of us.

"Don't listen to my Mum," he told me. "I'll look after you. I can afford to take care of you. I don't care if we never have children or whether you want to be with me or not, I just want you to be healthy and happy. You don't have to agree to be my girlfriend. Just know that whenever you need me, I'll be here. You can stay as long as you like."

It was nice. Nice for him to say that. Nice to know that he liked me, but I couldn't be the cause of division in his family. He had a family and having a family was a very precious thing. As soon as I could, I would need to leave.

When we got back to the apartment, I was helped back into bed. Aunty Chen's grievances were put on hold because it was morning. We had been in the hospital all night. The men rushed off to work, while Aunty Chen went out grocery shopping and to meet up with some of her friends. I was left alone in the house.

Ignoring my tiredness, I dragged myself out of bed and into the kitchen. I needed to do something to thank them.

Taking stock of what was in the kitchen, I pushed myself to make a good dinner for them. A soup, two vegetable dishes and two meat dishes. That should be enough.

I had just cleaning up the kitchen when my body gave out on me and I fainted. The knife I had been drying clattered to the ground.

There was a scream and then Aunty Chen was rolling me over and checking me for injuries. I didn't understand what was going on.

"Your face," she wailed. "Your pretty face. You shouldn't have done anything. You should have just left everything to me. Qiqi, you mustn't take anything Aunty said to heart. You can't treat yourself like this. You almost gave me a heart attack finding you on the floor like this. If that knife had fallen anywhere else, you might have cut something off or taken your eye out or killed yourself. No, no. From now on, Qiqi, you aren't allowed to come into the kitchen. You hear me?"

A warm and moist towel carefully dabbed my face and I felt the sharp pain of a cut on my skin. I shivered with the cold.

"Something smells good," Chen Lun said, opening the door and entering the house. "The neighbourhood kids are running up and down the corridor trying to smell which house is having a feast tonight."

"Son, come into the kitchen and help me," Aunty Chen called in a strained and sharp voice. "Qiqi cooked while we were all out. When I came home, I found her on the floor in the kitchen with a knife in front of her face and blood on the ground. Hurry."

I heard the thump of something dropping and then footsteps running and then skidding into the kitchen.

"Qiqi, are you alright?" he asked.

I opened and closed my mouth but couldn't reply. I was too tired.

"Be quiet and stay still, Qiqi. Son, get the bandages from the first aid cabinet," Aunty Chen instructed. "We're lucky that it's just a shallow cut. She'll be fine, but who knows if it will leave a scar. Once we're done here, help me put her to bed. We'll need to heat up the heat packs and boil some water to warm her up in the bed again. She so cold."

After things were stuck onto my face, Chen Lun carefully picked me up with his mother's help and carried me back into bed where they tucked me in with the heat packs and hot water bottles again.

From where I lay in the bed, I heard the sound of people eating and crying outside the room at the kitchen table. I couldn't tell if they were, happy, sad or angry. Perhaps all three at once. I sighed. I had tried so hard but still did everything wrong.

Aunty Chen came in to feed me a rice porridge made from the soup and rice I had cooked for dinner. Her eyes were red and her voice was hoarse, but she didn't say too much. After feeding me, she sat beside me and patted me until I fell asleep.

In the morning, finding the house empty, I dragged myself out of bed once more and got dressed. Then I turned the door lock so that it would lock behind me and made my way down the many stairs one step at a time. It took a long time.

I didn't know where I would go or what I should do, but I felt bad staying where I wasn't wanted anymore. I had no way to repay them or tell them how grateful I was for everything they had done for me. Otherwise it was very possible that I would be dead already.

While I walked, I considered that leaving like this might make them feel that I was ungrateful. So I detoured through the back of the apartments to go through the recycling bins where I found an old, empty envelope that would do as paper for writing a message.

From a nearby shopkeeper, I borrowed the stub of a pencil to write the note. First, I thanked them for their kindness and care. Such sentiments were rare in today's society. I hoped that I hadn't ruined their want to help people in need and made their patience run dry. Secondly, I apologised that I had nothing to repay them with and hoped that last night's dinner would be sufficient to show my gratitude. I also apologised for taking the clothes and house slippers that I was wearing. I had nothing else. Thirdly, I did my best to answer some of Aunty's questions as to my parents and where I came from. Lastly, I wished them well and good health. Then I folded the envelope and dropped it in their letterbox.

Returning the pencil stub, I hugged myself against the wind and gritted my teeth, walking away from the warmth of the house. I hoped Chen Lun wouldn't take it too hard. He was in love with me, but I felt nothing toward him. I didn't even know what love was anymore. I felt nothing toward anybody these days and it was only because I once had emotions that I could guess at how a normal person should act.

I plodded through the city very slowly, stopping to rest when I needed and shivering incessantly. Winter was coming and the layers I was wearing weren't enough to keep the chill out.

Somehow, I found myself passing by where Senior Ray's apartment had once been. With empty eyes, I looked up at the window that had once been sealed and didn't know what I was feeling. I hadn't hated my time with that man. But I hadn't loved him either. At least, I didn't think I did. I had only wanted to survive.

My whole life after my parents disappeared had been about survival. Learning how to survive and live on my own. Finding out that the identity I wore was not my mine and that I was actually an unregistered individual who was far younger than I expected had really blown me down. It was confusing. I didn't even know how old I was.

Could the authorities be mistaken?

No. Apparently, the real person who's identity I had inexplicably stolen was already dead. She had died a long time ago and her grave had been found under a tree in a park. She had only been a few years old. I must have been a trafficked child, taken in to replace the child who had been lost. So the police had said.

If I was her replacement, why then had my parents abandoned me? I didn't understand. Perhaps they felt the gap that had always been there like a silent wall between us. I had always tried and tried to get closer to them, but they had never accepted it. Never really accepted me. Expected the world of me, disciplined me harshly and held me at arm's length. It turned out that perhaps, I was never their daughter at all.

I loitered at the entrance of the alley where so many bodies had been dumped. At least ten. How and why had Senior Ray felt the need to hurt them and kill them? I still didn't understand. He could have killed me a few times. There had been times where I had seen that murderous glint in his eyes and expected for my life to end, but he hadn't hurt me. He had never really hurt me. He hadn't beaten me. Only imprisoned me and chained me to his side. Not like what he had done to so many of those other girls.

I didn't get it.

Love.

The detectives had told me that the word he had written on my belly before he died was 'love'. Was that to say that he loved me? Or that he loved his unborn child, killed by the family members of the women he had killed. Was it retribution? If it was, was it his or mine?

Slowly, I walked past the apartment block where I had nearly died and where Senior Ray had protected me to his last breath. Was it worth it? Had it been worth it to try and protect me?

I was a nobody with nothing to my name. I was just another one of those bottom feeders in society, working hard but failing to get anywhere. Stuck. Forever stuck at the bottom of the garbage heap, hoping not to get stepped on. Always being exploited and taken advantage of with no chance of reprieve. A bug to be squished when it showed itself.

Sighing, I trudged to a park where there was a playground. I watched the children play through watering eyes.

I had lost a life. A child. I didn't even know if it had been a girl or a boy. I had been pretty out of it at the time. Everything had happened in a blurry dreamlike manner. In fact, it felt like I was still stuck in that nightmare. Unable to wake up. The nightmare had begun the night I discovered my parents had abandoned me and continued ever since.

I would never see the child grow up, hear it's voice, feel it in my arms. Never know what it would grow into. I didn't even know how it had died. I had almost died myself.

"Qiqi," said a tentative voice.

I looked up to discover that it was dark. The mothers and children were all gone and the sky was spitting on me. My clothes were slightly damp.

I shivered and looked at the plainclothes policemen who had found me. I recognised them as detectives who had investigated the massacre in my former apartment. They knew me.

"Someone reported a very pale and sick looking woman standing suspiciously outside Ren Hu's apartment - you know him as your Senior Ray. And outside the alley where he had dumped the bodies and outside your old apartment where he died. I suppose it was you, wasn't it? Someone reported a suspicious looking sick woman who was staring at the children in this playground earlier and who seemed to have passed out."

I winced, sitting upright and feeling the world spin. Nodding, I lowered my head.

"Where are you staying now?" the policeman asked me. "It's cold, dark and about to rain. Why don't we take you home?"

I just glanced at him and got up off the park bench, swaying on tired and wobbly legs. I walked away, not knowing where I was going while the police trailed after me.

In the air, I could smell the mixed scents of people cooking dinner. Faintly through cheerful windows that had been propped open to let out the cooking smoke, I could hear the warm sounds of families living life together. Living through another day.

I walked past small establishments filled with the early drunken bastards that made whole areas unsafe. The early drunkards cheered me on as I passed by, followed by the concerned policemen.

"Qiqi, where are you going?" one of the pair of policemen lost his patience. "Let's get you off the street and to somewhere warm."

I stopped at an old but respectable neighbourhood and pointed.

"I used to live there," I said, "until my parents abandoned me. And then, on the weekends when I pretended I still had parents and came back hoping they would come and find me," I led them around the corner to a small depressed stairwell that led to an old sealed water room where people used to come to fetch water from a well. The depression stank of cat pee and trash, "I would spend the night here."

I led them through many roads, narrow alleys and half a suburb. It was deep night. I swayed on my feet, feeling exhausted.

"After I graduated from high school and waited for the university dormitories to open so that I could live there, I stayed in a mouldy basement there," I pointed at the lot where a bunch of buildings had disappeared and where there was now a giant hole in the ground with construction fences erected around the place. "The owner charged me sixty bucks a week and took the rest of the fee he wanted by peeping in on me when I was in the shower. He charged me ten bucks a shower and another twenty a week for the toilet and another thirty for the electricity."

I led them to the university, where outside the gates, I had to stop. I didn't understand why they were still following me. I sank down against the wall, breathing hard and trembling just as hard.

"Qiqi, I think you need to go to the hospital," said one of the policemen, while his partner was on the phone a distance away.

"No money," I reminded the policeman. "No money, no home, no job, no nothing. Can't afford the hospital."

And I hugged my knees weeping.

"The university was like a home, even though I was bullied by Senior Ray's admirers just because he had once helped me up off the ground when someone pushed me over. It was at least a place I could belong. I worked hard and studied hard but it was very fulfilling. I wasn't afraid of the hardship. Why did I have to graduate and leave?" I asked him. "When I left, I was paid two hundred a month as a new worker when the cheapest rent I could find was one hundred a week for a space to sleep by the toilet. The others used to purposely pee on me during the night for a laugh. I had to work at night just to earn enough to eat one meal every three days. It was so hard to try to stay awake enough during the day so that I wouldn't be scolded. Why are people so mean after they grow up? Why do people become bullies after childhood?" I asked the policeman who had no answer for me. "When Senior Ray picked me up off the street, and I found myself chained up, I was a little bit happy. Just a bit. I was about to be evicted and I hated my job. One of the senior girls didn't seem to like me and one of the other men in another department kept giving me too much attention. It was a relief to not have to deal with all that. All I had to worry about was keeping one person happy and didn't have to think about where my next meal would come from. I wouldn't get cold. As long as I did as I was told, I'd be safe. He told me that he just wanted someone to love and accept him and for me to give him a child. Pity it didn't work out for long. Although he was a bad man and deserved to die, I didn't want to come back to the city. Although I wasn't really happy, I was content. But now, I have nothing and nobody again. The clothes I wear are borrowed and I don't even have any shoes. I have no where to live, no where to go and to be honest, it would be a relief if I died."

I leaned against the worried policeman who had put his jacket around my shoulder and sat next to me, allowing me to lean on him. I was too tired and too drained from the long walk.

"Why couldn't they have just let me die when the baby died? Why did I have to survive when nobody really wants me to survive? You people told me that I'm not my parents' daughter and that the parents I remember don't even exist. I'm not who I thought I am and now I am even more of a nobody. Even the fragment of an identity I thought I had before is gone. I don't know who I am anymore. Can you tell me who I am?"

The policeman patted my hand and passed me a tissue while I aired my grievances.

I was taken to the hospital, the worried policemen following behind. At the hospital, I was recognised and Chen Lun was called, answering the policemen's questions on where I had been living the past few weeks.

I drifted in and out of consciousness, too tired and drained by the walk and everything that had happened to pay much attention. I wanted to give up. Chen Lun often cried by my bedside and Aunty Chen would often sit with me to feed me and apologise. She apologised a lot. I don't think she even knew why she was apologising, only that by apologising, she felt a little bit better.

I was reluctant to go back to the Chen family, but I had no where else to go and it seemed that I had exhausted my health. The hospital and police were adamant that I go to a place where there would be people who were willing and able to look after me. They thought I needed looking after. I suppose I did, but I didn't like it.

The most I could stay upright for was half an hour at a time. I spent most of my time and days sleeping, drifting into daydreams of a better life.

I wanted to die but was to much of a coward to try. Besides, if I did, it would hurt Chen Lun and his family greatly. I couldn't hurt them. They had been good to me. They were good people. Mostly good people.

We never really discovered who I was, but the police helped me to register my identity with the Chen family. Eventually, I agreed to get married into the family so that I had an excuse to stay and no longer need to drift. When I could, I helped with the housework and cooking. Otherwise, I'd be in Chen Lun's bed, waiting for him to come home from work.

His parents were happy in a strained manner for Chen Lun. They were happy, sad and angry about it all at once. His sister outright rejected me and refused to let me stay in her room anymore. It was another excuse to marry Chen Lun so that I could live in his room with him.

He was afraid that intimacy would be too much for me, but I wouldn't let him treat me like fragile glass. If he wanted me, he might as well have me and damn all the consequences. He sobbed through the whole thing like a little baby. I wasn't sure whether he enjoyed it or not. I hoped he did. It was meant to be my wedding present for him. He cried again when we discovered I was pregnant. In fact, the whole family cried because the doctor told them that in this pregnancy, they might need to choose between the mother and the child when the time came.

Pish tush. Of course giving my life for the baby would be no problem. What were they all worried about? Such an easy decision to make. It wasn't like my life was worth anything.

And so, here I was in labour once more, hearing my husband telling me how much he loved me and to hold on. The baby was almost out. Just another little push.

There was a rushing gush of something leaving my body along with the rest of my strength. There was the miraculous cry of the baby I had been listening for. I smiled up at the man who loved me more than I loved him. This was my gift of gratitude for him. To thank him for saving me. I had nothing else to give.

I hoped the baby would be enough for him to love and remember me by and that his mother would no longer have to nag about how weak my body was. There was no need to complain about what a useless wife I was anymore and how much money was wasted on me being an almost-vegetable. There was no need to see the blame and sadness in his father's eyes.

I felt my hand almost slip from his as my eyes closed. Doctors and nurses shouted in alarm. He gripped my hand tight and roared at me, but I could no longer hear him.

My ears was filled with the glorious sound of my baby crying and I was relieved that I had finally managed to give birth to a live child. A healthy and happy child. One that would be loved and have a family who loved and accepted the child.

My heart filled with love for the baby and my eyes dripped with one last tear.

I was satisfied.

It was enough.

And I was done.