Chapter 24

- Daniel's POV -

Why does this feel like a first date back in high school? I am nervous, my palms are sweaty and I am going over and over what I want to say in my head. How pathetic. I am here today to scare him off. No sane person would stay, after I am finished telling this story of two years ago.

But why did I especially bring a very good bottle of red wine? And why did I keep changing clothes until Dana couldn't take it any more and chose some for me?

Because I am here to get rejected? Who am I kidding. My heart, the little traitor, still clings to the picture of his desperate eyes as he said to me "I can be happy with you."

I sigh. What do I have to lose? I might as well give into my naive heart and cling to this last sliver of hope. The worst that can happen is that he will reject me nonetheless. It will hurt, but I have lived through worse.

So here I am, lost in thoughts inside of my car in front of his apartment for the last five minutes. 'Come on, Daniel, don't chicken out at the last moment.' I motivate myself. 'Let's go.' My sweaty hands finally grip the expensive bottle of wine and I walk towards his door.

After I ring the bell, the seconds until he answers the door stretch into an eternity. But then, the door opens and I see him, also with clearly changed clothes and a warm, yet nervous smile on his lips.

"Good evening, teacher Alex. Thank you for having me." I keep the formalities, creating a sense of distance so it would be easier for him to back out. It would not be fair to him to corner him with intimacy and with this taking the choice from him. That kind of foundation for a relationship would be bound to crumble.

But what I didn't calculate was the hurt look it would create on his face. I don't know, if I will be able to keep this up.

The moment it takes me, to harden my heart against his hurt look, he already has his face back under control and ushers me in with a polite smile.

I see, this is the determination that already caught me of guard multiple times.

Well, it doesn't do to only ponder about everything. Let's get this over with.

I shove all my distracting thoughts in the back of my head and go straight into the kitchen. He already laid the table. Nothing fancy, but the image warms my heart. Would it be like this every day if we dated?

I force these thoughts in the back of my head. Focus. You have a job to get done with.

"The spaghetti are almost done. Please, have a seat. I will bring the wine glasses." He hands me a corkscrew and busies himself in the kitchen. I open the wine bottle and fill the glasses he hands to me.

"It smells really good. What kind of sauce are you making?" I try a bit of small talk. The silence between us is way too awkward.

"Just bolognese sauce. I am not confident with the fancier ones. Like I said, I only cook the most basic stuff."

"Well, you still cook more than I do. I was spoilt by my mother and later by my sister. As a bachelor, I fail miserably."

"Don't worry, I can cook for the both of us. I will even learn."

I can't help it, I have to leave his overly optimistic statement unanswered. It creates an awkward silence between us.

The kitchen timer rings and saves us. I watch him as he makes the last preparations, how his slender body moves confidently in his home space.

"The food is ready." Alex serves us both generous portions and seats himself across from me.

"Thank you." Alex smiles, "Please, eat up."

I smile back and we start eating.

After we finished half of the food in silence, Alex takes his glass and motions to cling with mine. "Daniel, I am glad you agreed to come today. I can guess it took you a lot to come to this decision to give us a chance. Please know that I really thought about the situation we are in and already considered all the logical choices. But nonetheless I came to one simple answer." He looks me deep in the eyes, I hold my breath. "I am happy with you. The last weeks with you were wonderful and despite all reason I want to walk alongside you." He breathes in and gives me a weak smile. "But I also know that you have doubts and that there are still some secrets. So I am here to listen. However." The word hangs between us, his expression turns serious as he captures me with his gaze. "The decision whether I want to take the risk or not is up to me. Please don't make this decision for me again like you did last Sunday." He intensifies his gaze, willing his meaning across.

I breath in deep. After all my consideration towards him, who is now the cornered one?

"I still have my doubts. When I am serious with you the most frightening thought I can have is of you in danger. And I don't have to fool myself: Just being with me puts you in more danger than your normal life ever would. But before we come to this part, I will tell you about what happened two years ago and listen to your thoughts after that. I can not make any more promises."

I feel my smile getting a pained touch. It is hard to not be able to grant the other person their wish when it is the same as what I am secretly wishing. But instead of the dejected expression I expected from him, I just see him smile knowingly.

"That's okay. If that is all you can grant me at this moment I will take this and later we will work from there." His smile shows so much love and trust, my heart clenches.

"Okay." The short word caught in my throat, making it barely audible. I clear my throat.

Then I start to talk.