Ch. 29 - The Calm Before the Storm

"It was nothing, really."

He smiled foolishly at both Tian Mei and Tian Xin.

"Your parents would be proud of you little bro!"

"… Tian Mei is the only parent I have right now, and I am perfectly happy with that."

"I know how you feel about it, but you--"

"You do not know anything!"

"I-I…"

"Sorry, I just…"

"It is fine dear. Your sister--"

"--It is not her fault. I just lost it for a moment."

"Em… Little brother?"

"Hm?"

"C-can I… uhm… Can I ask you something?"

"Ask away."

"When you… you know…"

"Yes. Go on."

"After you realized it, you seemed scared. Every time you get mad, you recover right away, and then you there is that scared expression. I just… I am just wondering what you are so scared of, but I totally get it if you do not want to answer… I just wanted to ask…"

"…I am scared of myself… or rather what I can do."

"Why?"

"Every time I lose my temper, I… hurt people--"

"Hurt people?"

"… More specifically… I kill them on spot. Then I pass out."

"What happens after you wake up?"

"I usually sit passively on the ground while crying and blaming myself."

"Why are you blaming yourself?"

"Because their deaths were all caused by me. Would you not also blame yourself if you killed people whenever they pissed you of? Would you not feel that death is too harsh? Would you not regret it?"

"I… I do not know."

"I hate myself every single time. And also… I have been suspecting that I…"

He suddenly fell to the ground and began to cry bitterly.

"What are you suspecting? Is it something bad?"

Xiao Huoyan could not bear to say it, so he just nodded.

"W-what is it?"

"My mother… she…"

"What about her?"

"I-I think I… I think I am the one who killed her."

"Why would you think that?!"

Tian Mei suddenly joined in the conversation. 'How can he think that it is his fault?', she thought to herself.

"The mercenaries never killed her… I went mad before I saw her die. I must have killed her along with them!"

Xiao Huoyan continued to cry.

Tian Mei just fell to the ground beside him and gave him a warm hug.

"What is done, is done. You can not change the past, but you can decide your future. Just try to control your temper, as to not hurt mo--"

"--I did not hurt them… I killed them! I killed them all! Who cares about whether it was on purpose?! Who cares whether they deserved it or not?! It is not like I can bring them back! What use are my powers if I can only destroy people, instead of saving them?!

Some people does not deserve help, but in every evil person, lies a good side. Nothing is entirely good nor evil. Besides, I believe that everyone has the ability to change! But I rid them of their chance to change for the better. I killed them mercilessly.

Even though it was not on purpose, I am still the one who did it."

Xiao Huoyan kept crying. He was indeed more mature than most adults, but he was still just a child.

Neither Tian Mei nor Tian Xin felt it to be laughable watching him cry his eyes out. They only felt sorry for him. He was just a child with a father whom he could not even remember and a mother whom had died… A mother whom he thought that he had killed.

The few people he had ever met all said that he was an extraordinary child, but little did they know the pain and sorrows that his powers had brought him.

He often imagined how it would have been if he had been born as a normal child, with normal parents, living a normal and happy life. He often wished for his imaginations to become reality, yet he knew that he could not change anything.

He knew he could not change his past. He knew he could not bring them back to life.

The feeling of longing for someone whom you know that you will never be able to see again, really makes you understand the true feeling of despair.

Even though the people he had killed were all bad people, except his mother, he still did not want them to die.

"… Mother is right. You should not blame yourself. Even though you killed them, you were not yourself."

"You do not understand the feeling of having your body moving on its own.

Every time it happens, I can still see everything. What scares me the most is the fact that I do not really hate it when I kill people. Not until I wake up and realize what I have done. Sometimes I even like it. The feeling of being above everyone else. The feeling of being capable of killing anyone who opposes you… it is more tempting than you could ever imagine.

Sometimes I just feel like killing myself to relieve me of all of this, but then I remind myself of the fact that someone gave their life to protect mine. Maybe it would not have been necessary for him to sacrifice himself for me, but he still did. He did not want to take any risks. He wanted to make sure that I would be safe.

I will not throw away this life of mine just like that. If I did, then his sacrifice would have all been for nothing."

"This person that you are talking about… Is it--?"

"Yes. Jin Long was the only father whom I had ever known, and now he is gone, all because of me."

"I think he knew that you would be able to protect yourself. He probably also knew about your feelings. Maybe he just wanted to make sure you had a reason to live on. Maybe he knew that you would one day, lose your will to live", Tian Mei said while consoling him.

"Perhaps you are right…"

Xiao Huoyan closed his eyes, while thinking about this familiar feeling.

"It has been so long…", Xiao Huoyan said while smiling bitterly.

He felt a single tear making its way down his cheek.

"Hm?"

Tian Mei was confused.

"I have not felt this motherly warmth ever since my mother died…"

"…"

Tian Mei did not answer. She just hugged him tighter while closing her eyes.

"Hey! What about me, eh?"

"Hahaha, come here", Tian Mei said while making room for her daughter. Then they just sat there hugging each other.

It was such a nice family moment, but sadly; Happiness rarely last long. The happiest moments are always the shortest.

This peacefulness were like the calm before the storm...