Not the Only One

Nathaniel was pale, even paler than usual. Katherine now also remembered how he looked when they first encountered each other, the creaking of his voice and how he shrouded himself in shadow. Unhealthy. When they met in Hymirhall's gardens, he had looked and sounded like he was ill, but why had she never noticed that? Or noticed how fast it had gotten better?

Standing with balled fists before him, she felt betrayed and hurt. It didn't matter that she was a nobody to him when he first started this scheme. He should have told her, at least when he noticed that she was trustworthy. Or did he think it was okay, because it was over already? Yet to her, it was not over. And his damn silence pained her even more. It was as if he didn't even want to defend himself!

"Do you understand?", she asked, and angrily poked his chest with her finger, blinking against her blurry sight. "I said: Don't ever lie to me again!"

Instead of answering, he lowered his head, and took a hold of her finger. "The patient wasn't the only one I impersonated."

"What?!"

"All my life I impersonated dozens if not hundreds of people, and within them, there is one other persona you know.", Nathaniel explained simply and clearly.

Katherine's hand in his began to tremble, but she rapidly controlled herself again and straightened her back. "Isn't the patient bad enough? Who the heck else did you impersonate?!"

Nathaniel watched her very closely, suppressing the forlorn feeling within him. Was it already time? Would she leave him now? But if he didn't tell her everything, she would definitely leave him when she found out, just because he kept another secret from her. He dreaded her crying face, but it was better to face it all together than let it continue to poison their relationship.

"I thought you might guess it already with the black veins and the knowledge of my magic", he said and sighed. His grip around her hand tightened as if his subconsciousness tried to keep her from running in fear.

When she looked up in surprise, the demon that resided within his red eyes resurfaced again. Only this time, it was like an extension of the man she knew. If her Nathaniel was the soul, the demon was the shadow surrounding it, protecting it. The man and the demon were one and the same. And he was looking at her with a rare tenderness. "I am the mage that defeated the Renat army. It is I and not some unknown magic genius living far away. The screams of the soldiers are still haunting me and I dare not think of the families they left behind. However, for the good of the common people and the peace in this country, I would do the same again."

Gently, he put her hand on his chest, spreading out one finger at a time, then he placed his hand above. Through the fabric of his shirt, she could feel the warm palpitations of his heart right beneath. "Tell me, my kind and fearless wife, what does that turn me into?"

Katherine's tears had dried out in her anger and confusion. Now she looked up at this man that killed hundreds or thousands of soldiers, and she was anything but fearless. Her innards felt so cold that she wondered why she didn't breathe out fog. Yet she was frightened not because he was dangerous or a murderer, that would be a logical reaction. Katherine was frightened because she realized that she loved him nonetheless. She loved him so much that regardless of his actions, she would always want to take him in her arms. Even if he turned into a mass murderer, that wouldn't change.

Though she knew that Nathaniel was a honorable man and the things he did were justified, the realization of the depth of her feelings unsettled her. Suddenly, she wanted some distance between them to become clear about herself. She took back her hand. "I don't think you are a bad man. But I need some time to process all this. Please"

She gazed up into his eyes, in a face that again hid his feelings behind a mask. Just for one second, she wished that she also had such a mask to protect her. "Please don't search for me in the next days. I will come to you when I am ready. I need some time to think."

Yet when she wanted to extract her hand from his grip, he didn't let go. His voice was hoarse as if it bore all the pain he couldn't show. "You said you love me."

The one sentence took a hold of her heart and squeezed it with an iron fist. Like a wounded deer, she shook him off and pressed her hands against her chest to keep on breathing. "I do. I really do. But you are making it very hard for me."

Seeing her pained face, Nathaniel didn't try to stop her anymore when she took the few steps to the door. Then she slipped outside and closed it softly behind her.

Alone in the room, the atmosphere was so dark that it seemed like the world was coming to an end. Slowly, Nathaniel sat back into his chair. His eyes were still blank, but it wasn't the blankness of a poker face. It was the blankness of pure despair. Only now he realized that if she really wanted to leave him, that would be the end.

He'd thought it would be okay to just watch her from afar, see her grow and flourish. But now he noticed that from the second he came in touch with her warmth, was embraced by the sunshine of her affection, this wasn't enough anymore. If he lost her - not only to death, but in any way -, it wouldn't be much different than dying. His life would only be a shell afterwards, empty and cold.

Even if he were to become King or gained all the riches of the world, this wouldn't change. She was the peal that turned his shell into something worth pursuing. Maybe he should have told her the truth from the start. Yet what held him back had been the same as what chained him to the chair now: the fear to lose her.

'I really am a hopeless case', Nathaniel thought cynically, and heaved a sigh as deep as the ocean. 'What do I do now? Will she really come back?'

As the pessimist he was, he doubted it.

.

Listlessly, Katherine strolled through the cottage that was their temporary home. So much had happened in the last few hours that her head was overflowing. Nathaniel had let her no time to rest while bombarding her with all the things he had done and planned to do, and now her thoughts were a pure chaos.

Frustrated, she stomped down the stairs to get herself some fresh air, when she bumped into someone. With a loud clash, cutlery fell to the floor and a high-pitched scream told her that she had accidentally toppled a maid's tray.

With an apology, she helped the maid balance herself, but there was not much to save of the tray. Small and plump as the woman was, she looked nothing like Hazel, yet it was exactly her own maid Katherine thought of when she got a glimpse into those scared eyes as the woman apologized herself. Like Hazel, she also rejected any help and Katherine felt quite useless when she watched her pick up the shards.

"Who was it for?", she asked curiously, when she noticed how big the amount of food was. Even without Katherine's appearance it must have been hard for the maid to see the stairs over the pile of food on the tray.

"It was for his Highness the Prince, your Highness", the maid said in a small voice and curtsied. Then she walked away with the tray of shards, most likely back to the kitchen.

Since Katherine's mind was with Nathaniel right now, it took her a while to understand that 'his Highness' in this case, was not her husband, but Prince Aston. Of course, it made sense for the foodie to get such a big meal.

The combination of a maid and the mention of a prince suddenly reminded her that she forgot to ask Nathaniel for Hazel's whereabouts, and she felt a bit ashamed. The girl was so important for her and yet she put off the search for her because of her marriage quarrel. But could she go back to Nathaniel when it was already so hard to leave once?

Looking at the food stains on the floor, she realized that just this once, it might be better to look for Prince Aston instead of her husband. Jack had said 'the princes' after all, as if Aston could also know some things. Furthermore, she had the small hope that Aston as Nathaniel's cousin - and as far as she knew his best friend - might alleviate her worries concerning her husband's lies a bit.

By understanding Nathaniel even better, she hoped to reveal if he would discard the coat of secrecy now, or if he would always remain the way he was. It wouldn't surprise her if Nathaniel, given his unsteady childhood, was not able to trust in others completely.