Thoughts 1

Since I was a child I rarely had as much as fun as the other kids does. When other kids were getting their pocket money freely, I had to earn for it with my grades. When other kids were going on play dates on each of their friends house, I was at home reading or watching movies. When I think about those moments, it made me realise that I'm not as happy as others but at least I was strong enough to face any difficulties thrown against me. But life now in 2019 is hard to the point that I was doubting myself and my choices that I've made.

I finally understood why people dropout of school or uni. Back in the days I thought it was silly and ungrateful if people dropout but now I can totally sympathize with them as I too feel the same way as them.

I find that working and studying is not for everyone especially me. I have difficulty multitasking and making enough time for both work and school. I have less time with myself. I tried to compensate that with going out with my friends but it doesn't seem to help either.

I tried talking to my mates about how I feel and cried to them simultaneously but it doesn't seem to fill the gaps that I was feeling.

I tried smoking to see if that helps with any of my problems and loneliness but it just made me high and dizzy, not comforting what so ever.

I learnt to hate myself which is never a good thing but I can't seem to help what I'm feeling. I hate how I am raise to be independent and responsible. It makes me sick that I have to be considerate of other people feelings. I hate the fact that I'm a people pleaser that I can't say 'no' if they tried to intimidate me. I hate that I'm a hypocrite and a lying machine. I hate my body and my weight. I hate that being responsible and independent makes me boring in people's eyes. There's still a bunch of reason of why I hate myself that I can't seem to shake off on my head.

I'm not writing this to gain sympathy. I'm writing so I can get it off my chest. Everyone has their own struggles and everyone cope with differently. My dilemma might me insignificant to someone else and that's fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I hope this can be a platform for me to grow and also embrace the gloomy feelings that I'm feeling and turn it into something that can help other.

I just feel like writing about something today. I hope this random literature of mine was fun to read. Thank you and I'll see you on my next rant