Chapter 31: Looking For Answers or Hiding From Them?

Yuzu flicked her head back into the pillows as she took a fist full of black hair, pulling on it as she pushed her hips forward.

The two sweating bodies lay silently next to one another, nothing to be heard apart from the still slightly uneven breaths of the two. How many minutes had passed with the pair lying shoulder to shoulder Yuzu didn't know. Two? Ten? A dozen?

Few words had been spoken since entering the bedroom, since Mei pushed the chestnut-haired girl back onto the bed and took her right there. Obviously, Yuzu was confused and didn't participate in the abrupt kiss straight away, she had tried to push Mei off and talk but the younger was relentless in her task and soon Yuzu's determination gave through too. Leaving Yuzu sitting, or should we say lying, right where Mei wanted her.

Thirty minutes Earlier

"Emm... I ehh, know this is a little awkward but I think we should-" Yuzu stated when Mei didn't know what to say, but it seemed that words didn't have a place in the younger mind.

Yuzu was cut off as Mei closed the distance between the two and caught the blonde's lips with her own; The action sudden and fierce enough to bruise the soft flesh. With Yuzu too shocked to do anything and Mei too preoccupied to care, the latter pushed her tongue into the blonde's still unresponsive mouth. Seconds ticked by and soon Yuzu's mind had finally caught up with the actions going on in front of her, though it seemed Mei was moving faster.

The pale hand snuck under the slightly oversized shirt, the action pooling the material above Yuzu's breast while Mei squeezed the exposed mound. With Yuzu's lips still not moving as they normally would in this type of situation, Mei shifted her attention to the blonde's neck; sucking as hard as she had on the blonde's tongue on the pulsing skin.

Regaining her senses, Yuzu knew this wasn't what they were supposed to be doing or what they should be doing right now.

Mei wanted to talk so why is she doing this?

Pushing lightly against the small shoulder adjacent to her, Yuzu spoke though it came through weak and timid.

"Mei stop, what are you doing?" Only the dark-haired girl didn't stop, instead, Yuzu felt a hand on her own shoulder before she was pushed back against the mattress.

Lips met again but this time Yuzu fought against the advances, both her hands finding Mei's shoulders.

"Mei! I asked you to stop, we are supposed to be talking." After pushing hard enough to get Mei's lips off her own, Yuzu looked up to Mei who had a blush spread from ear to ear her eyes locked on the moving lips, though they were dark and it wasn't exactly lust Yuzu saw in them more like a need.

When Mei didn't respond and leant back down to continue, Yuzu pushed on her shoulders again, this time enough so that Mei looked her in the eye. Though the resistance seemed futile as Mei reached up and took the small hands in her own.

Finally, she's actually listening to me- what the hell?!

At her moment of relaxation, Yuzu found her arms pinned above her head being held down by one of Mei's hands at the wrists, while the other returned to its previous activity.

"Will you stop being so stubborn." The statement more of a command rather than a question, Mei returned her lips to the blondes.

Yuzu did not fail to notice that Mei took the kiss slower and waited for the blonde to kiss her back before deepening it. This told Yuzu two things: one- she wouldn't be able to stop herself with Mei being so assertive and controlling, cuz in all honesty, the blonde didn't mind this situation at all, she quite enjoyed being dominated. Two- Mei was waiting for her to say it was okay for her to continue. Meaning she wasn't just going to sleep with Yuzu if she said no at that very moment, but as much as she knew it was wrong Yuzu couldn't say no.

Back to the present.

Mei was the one who said she wanted to talk and yet as soon as they should have she goes and does that? Even after Yuzu tried -not with her biggest efforts- to stop Mei and talk about what Mei wanted to she refused, now they were just lying beside one another and Yuzu was sure Mei could feel the same tension she could. What did Mei gain from doing this? Yuzu felt like they were now in a worse place than when Mei had first arrived home over an hour and a half ago, if they had actually talked then maybe they would be fine at the moment and no matter which way Yuzu turned her brain she did not think this was fine.

Moving her head to the side so she could face Mei, Yuzu looked upon the girl's face and studied it hard. There was a slight sheen to her forehead and the tips of her fringe were now wet, her cheeks were still pink, the one closest to Yuzu at the moment was shining bright with purples and greens, with her lidded eyes fixed on the ceiling above them. Yuzu dropped her gaze to her partner's lips: she found a mixture of a frown and a quivering bottom lip. Concern taking grasp of her body, Yuzu moved up to her elbows and turned directly towards Mei to get a proper look at her face, when she did Mei's line of sight did not falter, almost as if she hadn't even noticed the movement.

Mei's entire expression was one of disconsolate and melancholy, one Yuzu had not seen in years. Pulling the sheets up to cover her bare chest, Yuzu leaned over Mei a little more.

"Mei?" Placing a hand on the girl's small shoulder, Yuzu spoke again seeing as she didn't get a reaction from the girl. "Mei?" This time a light shake to she shoulder accompanied the word and Mei's eyes flicked from the wall to Yuzu. This staring contest was kept up for almost half a minute with Yuzu trying to find any hint of the reason behind Mei's current expression while Mei continued to look into the green iris'.

"Mei is-" Yuzu started but stopped soon after as Mei shook her head before looking away from Yuzu to only moments later, shake the hand off her shoulder and turn onto her side; her back facing the blonde. Yuzu watched as the quilt was pulled tight over Mei's back and scrunched up in front of the younger girl's chest while she tucked her head into the small bunch of softness she had made.

Not knowing what else to do, Yuzu got from the bed and switched the light off but before she crawled back into bed she quickly flung her trousers and shirt back on. Lying back beside her girlfriend who was still turned away from her, Yuzu decided this couldn't wait until the morning. So shuffling onto her side with her body facing the younger girl, Yuzu moved herself closer to Mei and reached her hand out to grip hold of the girl's shoulder, however, just before she made contact she retracted it.

"Mei?... Can you turn around please?" Yuzu asked quietly, though it was clear as day in the otherwise silent room. She didn't get a verbal response but after a few seconds, Yuzu gave a small smile when Mei turned around as she had requested. Her gaze on the blonde, Mei waited patiently for Yuzu to continue.

"Do you want me to get your shirt or something?" Yuzu, after looking at Mei and the way she held the sheets to her chest, asked but she was already out of the bed and grabbing the long shirt. Handing it off to her girlfriend, Yuzu forced herself to look away when Mei sat up, revealing her naked form glowing in the dim light from the side table lamp. After pulling the shirt on, Mei wriggled back down and held the covers as she did before, though this time she did face Yuzu and watched the girls mixture of expressions as she tried to find the right words to say.

Yuzu watched in the low light as Mei still seemed distant, her eyes duller and lip still quivering.

"Em, you know we still need to talk about this Mei... That certainly wasn't bad but it didn't exactly fix anything, you still look upset and you were the one who wanted to talk so what's different now from an hour ago?" Yuzu kept her voice low as she looked at Mei, or more specificity her cheek. She was talking to Mei but her eyes never left the bruise, God how she wished she had missed her target then that wouldn't have happened.

Mei, however, stayed silent, her eyes rested on the blonde for a few more seconds then she looked down at the bed. Pushing with her questioning, Yuzu took Mei's chin (very carefully) and forced the girl to look at her once again.

"Mei, you can't ignore this or me. An hour ago you were begging to talk, then as soon as we actually sit down you do that? I don't get it, what's changed your mind?" Yuzu kept her voice cool and comforting, but still, no response came and Yuzu tried again.

"You know you can't just lie there and pretend I'm not trying to talk to you just because you don't want to. C'mon please Mei, I know things are just gonna be worse in the morning if we don't deal with this now... All the cards are on the table just like you said... Okay, I'll start then and you can just listen; Over the past months, I haven't for a second felt as though you were pushing me away, you've always listened when I've talked, given me advice and been absolutely amazing. You are the girl I want to tell all my problems to and the person I want to wake up in the morning holding, you are the only person I want. All this lying you say I'm doing, I know some of it is validated but other parts aren't and I feel horrible that me doing that has made you think that you are failing as my girlfriend because you aren't... I love you...Mei?" Yuzu spoke from her heart but she didn't fail to notice the shuffle back Mei did, but she didn't speak straight away.

"...Why?" Was the only thing Mei said, her voice low, almost lifeless. Twisting her brow in confusion, "What do you mean 'Why?' why what?" Yuzu's lack of realisation gave Mei a momentary spike of anger. Her hands shot out from the covers and -Not hard enough to bruise individually- hit Yuzu in the chest with her trembling fists.

The action was a shock to the blonde, she had never seen Mei like this, but it didn't stop at one. Multiple more small fists and palms smacked into her chest and although they didn't hurt individually the repetitive action was gradually causing her pain.

Mei kept up, her hands, even lying on her side, continued to smack the blonde in the chest, every hit put a little more distance between them. Shaking her head from side to side rapidly, Mei couldn't stop the tears spilling from her eyes. "THEN WHY DO YOU LIE TO ME!?" The shout, more of a scream, filled the room and Mei's hands stopped the beating on her partner's body. She was more than arm's length away from the blonde who was shocked still. Her voice returning to the whisper as she curled her head and hands back in towards her core.

"If-if you love me so much then why do you need to hide things from me, and dream about other people?" Mei was openly sobbing at this point, her legs brought up to her chest as she tried to comfort herself. Though she instantly froze up when a small but strong pair of arms wrapped around her body and pulled her in tight. With her face and entire body in the blonde's embrace, Mei couldn't stop the tears.

"I'm sorry, so so sorry," Yuzu said as she 'shooshed' the crying girl while stroking her hair and rubbing her back.

It's not what you think, I promise.

Time passed and soon Yuzu heard the sobs fade into sniffles then slow consecutive breathing. It had definitely been more than an hour since there activities, Mei was sound asleep still cocooned inside the older's arms but Yuzu didn't share the same fate. She was exhausted, her eyes drooped and her breathing slowed but all she could think about was Mei crying and hitting her.

She had made the girl feel so unloved, outcasted, angry, betrayed that she felt she had to go to such lengths to release her emotions. Nothing in Yuzu's being held anything against the sleeping girl for her actions, Yuzu wished she had done it harder maybe that would have balanced out the scale. Made her feel a fraction of the pain her partner was.

Repeating countless words of apology, Yuzu held Mei close while she eventually drifted off herself.

Trying her best not to open her eyes, Yuzu reached her hand over the length of the bed in hopes of finding a body next to her. Yet as much as she had expected to wake up alone, the empty bed still hurt. Eventually managing to sit up, Yuzu's entire being ached and protested to her movements. Glancing down to her chest, from what she could see it was still red with irritation with some very light specs of a murky yellow.

Great, just one more thing for Mei to blame herself and feel guilty for... Where is she though, it's not even nine yet?

Riding herself from the sheets, she slipped on a hoodie before walking out the door, she hadn't failed to notice that all of her girlfriend's clothes from the night before were gone from the floor. A small feeling of dread and doubt managed to work its way into Yuzu's mind that the girl she currently sought was gone when in actuality, Mei probably just picked up her belonging in the morning to avoid any mess. That was the reasonable explanation but Yuzu needed to see the girl with her own eyes.

And that she did; sitting on the couch, coffee in hand as she spoke on the phone with a familiar teddy sitting on her lap. As she cautiously edged closer to the sitting girl, Yuzu made her way around the couch and sat on a chair that was positioned diagonally from Mei. At the extra presence in the room Mei, and Yuzu, both felt the uncomfortable silence of the night before. Looking at Mei, who had yet to physically acknowledge her presence, Yuzu saw the smiler on her face. With the redness and raw heat from the punch gone, it left an abstract painting of purples right through yellows across the pale canvas.

"Yes... Yuzu is awake now so unless you want to speak with her I'll see you soon... Goodbye." With the short fare well done, Mei placed her phone on the coffee table and rested back into the couch, casually drinking her coffee.

The silence was suffocating, the fear of speaking for how they had ended thing the night before had both girls petrified to speak. After nearly five minutes of Mei looking at the table while cuddling her bear and Yuzu looking at Mei, the former spoke but her line of sight didn't falter.

"I'm... sorry about last night, I know nothing I say or do can fix or change what I did but I need you to know that I understand something like that is completely unacceptable and it won't happen again. I don't know what came over me, I was so frustrated and upset, I just lashed out without thinking... I don't normally take to anything like physical violence especially not with you and yet I hit you multiple times until I hurt you and I didn't stop until I broke down, and then you apologised when I was the one who abused you... I'm so sorry Yuzu." Mei kept her head low as she spoke her bottom lip disappeared as it had the night before, although she didn't have to wait long for the blonde to reply.

"You don't need to apologize. It wasn't abuse no matter what you say I won't accept you saying that about yourself. I know you don't like or condone violence, and you didn't even hit me hard. It was just... a rush of emotions that you didn't know how to control, and I don't blame you for it in the slightest." Yuzu gave her fixed response, she did not want something like this lying over the other girl's shoulder. Another thing, how did Mei know it had hurt her? She hadn't made any sounds of dissatisfaction or gruntles of pain when it happened last night, and she didn't even flinch when Mei pulled her being into her chest so how did she know she had left a mark.

The blonde didn't have to think for too long as Mei spoke up, her reply as fast as the blondes. "If I didn't hurt you, you wouldn't have felt the need to put a hoodie on to hide the bruising that is no doubt there." The counter didn't get a reply, there really was no point in Yuzu trying to defend against this, Mei knew and she knew that Mei had inflicted some amount of pain on the girl the night before and nothing would persuade the younger girl otherwise.

At her immediate lack of response, Yuzu scrambled to her feet and sat next to Mei on the larger couch. Risking taking the shaking hands in her own, Yuzu held them tight. "Okay, you are right: you did hurt me but I understand why you did it and like I said, I don't blame you for what happened and I wish it was even a fraction of the pain I've caused you in the past months. You might have hurt me physically, not very much cuz you just have dainty little hands..." She placed a gentle kiss to the cupped shaking hands in her grasp.

"...But I've hurt you in much worse ways. I made you doubt my love for you, make you think that I would want to be with anyone else apart from you and worst of all I made you feel unloved and betrayed. That is a hundred times worse than you not knowing how to deal with emotions that have built up over months of turmoil and inner torture... This entire thing has been my fault and I'm gonna make damn sure I fix it. I caused this and I'm going to be the one to take responsibility so you are not allowed to blame yourself for this. Got it?" Yuzu's voice was uncharacteristically stern as she spoke, making Mei turn and face Yuzu who now had a twinkle of water in her eyes.

"You...you can't just shoulder all the blame, I hit you. Why don't you see how wrong that is?" Mei's voice broke as she spoke, guilt had been her only emotion since waking up a half hour ago. The thought that she had hit her partner sickened her, made her hate herself.

Before Yuzu could say anything Mei met her eye and spoke again, though her voice was strained and pitiful compared to her usual aloof and dominant nature. "You were trying to talk to me, you were apologising and trying to make me feel better and I got so angry I-I hit you. Then I didn't stop, I did it again and again until I couldn't control it and practically screamed at you... That is unforgivable Yuzu, I hate that I willed myself to inflict harm on you when I swore I would be the one person you could rely on..." Her voice now a little more than a whisper, Mei only just managed to keep eye contact with the blonde.

"Mei if I truly thought I couldn't trust you I wouldn't be here. If I thought you had done it because you liked it or that you would do it again without a second thought maybe I would blame you but I don't. Not for a single second. Am I right?" Yuzu asked softly, she had shaken the lump in her throat. At this very moment, she couldn't be sad Mei needed support right now more than she did.

Mei instantly nodded her head, the action knocking the tears in her eyes down her cheeks as she bit her bottom lip.

"Right, you and I both know if you could go back and change it you would because you hate the idea of hurting me. I don't need to forgive you because there is nothing to forgive. I know these words might seem a little tainted at the moment, but I love you Mei with my whole heart, and because of what I did this happened to you. So no, this is not a negotiable matter; This is not your fault and not for another second will I let you believe it is." Yuzu with her voice still soft, had a tint on it's earlier sternness. Would she hell let Mei take the blame for this.

Lifting her hand to Mei's wet cheek, Yuzu gently wiped her thumbs across the puffy skin taking away the tears from them. Bringing herself forwards, Yuzu brought her head closer and bumped their foreheads together before resting them against one another. Staring into the amethyst eyes Yuzu could see nothing but the love she had seen for years, only now there was this flicker of doubt in them no matter how hard Mei tried to hide it, Yuzu saw that doubt within moments of looking into the glazed over eyes.

Closing her eyes and allowing one of her hands to drop to the younger neck Yuzu just sat there and felt the warmth from her partner's skin. They sat for several minutes just feeling the others presence, Mei was getting her breathing back to normal, while Yuzu was just talking in this feeling and hoping Mei was finding the action somewhat consoling

Pulling back, Yuzu placed a small peck to Mei's cheek and pulled her head away.

"Now should we talk about what is on your mind? We never did get a proper chance last night and I can see you are still upset and I won't be okay until you know that nothing is going on." Yuzu gave a small smile after Mei gave her one first with a nod.

"How about we make something for breakfast first, I'm a little hungry and I know you are always hungry in the morning?" Mei continued to give a small smile as she began lifting the bear from her lap to place on the sofa.

With a bright grin, Yuzu gestured to the kitchen. "How would you like to help me make some pancakes?!" Getting from the couch and taking Mei's extended hand, Yuzu marched the two through to the kitchen and began to think that things would be okay. They would make some pancakes, talk casually while they did it together and sit down to their breakfast happily before starting to reassure Mei that nothing really was going on and that the bridge in their relationship hadn't been tarnished.

Cooking was supposed to be something that bonded couples and for Yuzu it definitely was. It was one of her favourite hobbies, it made her happy and Mei cooking with her was always an enjoyable and bonding experience for the two. It seemed like the perfect way to start the day before things might get a little messy later.