thirty seven

'Taehyung: Why? Just please tell me why. I love you. I told you that I would choose you, and I'm so sorry that I left you alone when you were upset. I should have chosen you. I do choose you. Nothing means anything without you. Please come back. Please, I need you. Tae'

~ ♡ ~

Taehyung's POV

I turned, with tears running down my face, and made my way blindly up stairs to the bedroom, the letter in my hand.

I sat on the bed, feeling something under me, and realized it was the robe I'd put on y/n when I'd realized she was standing there watching me get dressed, totally naked herself.

I pulled it out from under me, burying my face in it, and crying even harder, sliding to the floor at the end of the bed, the letter fluttering down next to me.

I needed to know why she left. I didn't understand. It made no sense to me at all. Was she afraid, because of the need to keep our relationship a secret, and trying to find a way out of it?

I dried my tears with the robe, and picked up the piece of paper. I was afraid to read it, afraid that if I read it thru to the end, it would make it all real. Maybe, if I didn't read it, this would end up being a nightmare, and I'd wake up in the morning with y/n curled up against my side.

I punched the floor, and felt a sharp pain in my hand. This was definitely real. I looked at the piece of paper, the words coming into focus.

Dear Taehyung, Please forgive me. I don't know where to start, so I'll just start by saying that I love you. I wish I had had the courage to stand and face you, and tell you that I was leaving, and why, but I didn't, I couldn't. I'm sorry.

I want you to know that it wasn't your fault. You didn't do anything to cause me to leave. I made a choice, because I didn't want you to have to. I couldn't let you choose me over your career. I would have felt like I was taking your livelihood away from you. I love you too much to do that to you.

Please know that you really are my whole world. That won't ever change. I will love you forever. You've taught me things about myself that I'd have never learned without you. With you, I smiled every day, for a million different reasons. It was impossible not to smile.

There are so many things I'm going to miss. The warmth of your hand holding mine. The sound of your voice, especially when you'd sing, but even when you'd just say my name. Your lips pressed against mine, and how your kisses tasted like cocoa. Your eyes, and how you'd look at me like I was the only person you could see. Your smile, and how it was often there for no particular reason. Your laugh, it was the most beautiful music of all. You...I'm going to miss you, so fucking much...

Just remember that I am never not thinking of you. You have made me a better person, by showing me how to love, and be loved. I'll never love anyone like I love you, and I'll never forget you, I never want to.

Please, don't hate me.

Love, Y/n

I sat there, thinking back, trying to figure out why she would think I would ever consider choosing my career over her...over a family of my own one day, and why she didn't want me to choose her.

She hadn't said she didn't love me, she said she loved me too much. I needed her to come back. I needed her here so that she could be the only one I see in a crowd of people. I needed her here because she is the reason for my smile, and my laughter.

I leaned my head on my knees, and closed my eyes, the piece of paper crumpling in my hand, as my tears fell, wetting the legs of my jeans.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Taehyung-ah!...Tae, are you up here?"

I opened my eyes, realizing I'd dozed off. Someone was calling me. I looked up to see Jimin running into the room. He stopped, and looked at me in surprise.

"Oh no...Tae, what happened?"

"She left Jimin. She's gone." I laughed bitterly.

"Tae..." he kneeled down next to me on the floor, his arms going around me. "I'm so sorry. Did she say why?"

I turned my hand up with the half crumpled letter. "It's all right here. You read it, maybe it'll make sense to you."

Jimin took the letter from me, smoothing the wrinkles out, and reading thru it. "Oh no..." he whispered. "Tae, I'm so sorry, this is my fault."

I looked up at him and he shook his head, his eyes glassy. "I'm so so sorry..."

"How can it be your fault Jimin?" I asked quietly. "She left because she thinks being part of BTS is the most important thing to me."

"I know, and that's my fault."

"I don't see how it could be your fault." I said tiredly.

"Tae, remember when y/n stayed at the dorm with us? How she had gotten up early and the two of us had ended up talking?"

"I remember." I tried thinking back to that morning, to the conversation.

"Do you remember when she asked me what happens if we decide we want to settle down, and start a family?"

"I remember, she said she wouldn't ask me that question..."

"Right, and that's when you brought up that there was something you wanted to tell her."

I nodded, remembering what I'd said. "I told her how I never wanted to be so important to one person, that I hadn't wanted anyone to love me."

"Right, and she asked why, only you didn't answer her that time, I did."

I closed my eyes, thinking back, hearing the conversation in my head.

You told me that I had become your whole world...and when you said that to me, my very first thought was that I never wanted to become anyone's whole world, I never wanted to be that important to one person. I never really thought it would happen, to be honest. A relationship was the last thing I was looking for. I guess if I'm being honest, I'd have to say that I didn't want anyone to love me.

Why?

I think I can answer that. It's because of exactly what you just asked me, about what happens if we decide we want to settle down, and have a family. If we don't get into relationships, If we don't let anyone fall in love with us, then we don't have to worry about that happening. That way, we don't have to decide between the life we are living now, and the life we might have if we weren't idols.

So, because I fell in love with him...he feels like he has to make a choice now...

No y/n, there is no choice, I'd choose you, over everything. Please don't ever doubt that. The only reason I wanted to tell you this was because I want you to know that everything I told myself, everything I promised I'd avoid, the fact that I said I would never fall in love with any girl, or let anyone fall in love with me, it all went right out the window when I met you. That's how much you mean to me, how much you've affected my heart. I love you, and I have no regrets when it comes to you, none at all. If I did, I would have never asked you to move into my house.

I choked back a sob.

"So she thinks that because we fell in love, I would have to choose either her, or BTS...which isn't an option, because we've all agreed that BTS is all of us, or none of us. If we stop, when we stop, we stop together.

"I'm really sorry, Tae, If I'd known she didn't understand, I would have made sure she did. I had a feeling that day that something was bothering her, and I planned to ask her about it. I shouldn't have waited."

Jimin looked distraught, but I didn't blame him for any of this. Y/n should have talked to me. If she had only asked me, I would have explained it to her.

"Jimin, it's not your fault. I'm the one at fault here. I told y/n that I would choose her. Yet I left for work, leaving her here alone, knowing something was bothering her. I knew. She kept giving me excuses, and I let it go, thinking she would tell me when she was ready." I closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. "If I had listened to my gut, if I had made her talk to me, if I had chosen her, instead of work, she would still be here. I failed her, Jimin, and because of that, I've lost her."