Funny air traveller thoughts

Taking inspiration from Mrs Funnybones (the Twinkle Khanna book that I bought at the airport to keep me company) and a quirky comment that I'm not as funny made me pen some of my thoughts of being an occasional air traveller..

By far the worst experiences of air travel in India (I am sure most of you agree) is the seemingly never ending wait in the Security Check at airports..somehow I never ever get a short wait.. It takes nothing less than half an hour to make it to the x-ray scanning machine to have yourself scanned from head to toe with a machine that wails at the slightest hint of metal. 'Are we to blame for jeans being manufactured with metal zips or that we need belts to keep our jeans from sliding down?' I silently wonder! Frankly, I think we have it easier though.. The poor men get patted and probed by the male security guards. Not a pleasant sight to watch let alone feel!! Just the other day,  one man couldn't stop laughing the whole time.. The poor security guard couldn't control himself and started laughing too!!

If you are an unlucky soul who just happens to have a celebrity travelling on the same day, you'll get to see them wafting in just minutes before the boarding gates close being pampered by a pack of eager to please airport staff.. So off they go past everyone crazy enough to stand in queue just because he or she is a 'Celebrity'. For a moment I think,  Ah!  They have it easy but then I think I'd rather have my own space and peace of mind!

And what is it about doing everything first for Indians?? It's as though their ears are tuned only to hear the announcement for boarding! Can you imagine what they must be thinking? ''Business Class and People with infants first??? How rude!! I'll still stand in line even though mine is the first seat in Economy!!'' They must surely love being elbowed by everyone entering the plane after them, no??

You sometimes encounter the most annoying kind of humans on a plane.. 1) Women and men who wear their sunglasses even inside the plane.. I wonder, '' Is that because we are closer to the sun?''.. You should have slathered yourself with sunscreen too.. 2) The chatty aunties who won't stop talking about the oh so happening kitty party that they attended.. Unluckily for me I was stuck between two of these aunties.. As though a middle seat isn't torture enough and 3) The businessmen who seem to crack the biggest deals just when the plane is about to take off!!

Just recently I was seated next to some unruly twin kids who wouldn't stop fighting throughout the flight! All I heard through the flight was.. '' Mama,  it's her fault! '' The mother didn't seem to care too much and the father had a look that said,  '' It ain't my job to manage them!'' Groan!! Don't get me wrong! I love kids but they really need to behave well in public places!

To avoid all this drama and a whole lot more I decided to book a window seat on my recent flight.. Well surprise of surprises,  my window seat didn't have a window!! How ironic is that? The travel agent probably didn't think this would ever happen. Well, at least I got myself some sleep thanks to conveniently forgetting to carry my earphones before rushing out the door for fear that I'd miss my flight(A constant fear.. I wonder if they have a name for that phobia)

Have you had a weird experience while at an airport?? I sure have.. So here I was at the one of the busiest airports in India after a seemingly endless day at work (just waiting to get home to soak my feet in a tub of warm salty water!!) No such luck!! The airport was far beyond chaotic and no one was willing to divulge any information and even the food and water had run out on account of multiple flights being grounded.. After what seemed like ages,  I saw a familiar face (A girl who had been the air hostess on quite a few of my flights). I went up to her and asked,  '' What's all the chaos about? '' In a hushed tone she told me that they had news that a flight from Goa had been hijacked and this was just a part of the security measures!

After about 1.5 hours, an announcement was made that planes were going to start boarding.  Would you believe it if I told you it was all a hoax.. There was no hijacking! It was just a drunk man on board the flight whom the staff couldn't control!! I'm sure he was arrested on deplaning!! Wasn't leaving Goa punishment enough, I wonder? :-p

Very often the antics on flights makes me smile and wonder,  what a bunch of idiots.  I'm just setting the scene here.. the plane has just touched down and is taxiing to a comfortable parking bay. Just then the pilot makes an announcement.. Are you ever able to hear what he says? I sure can't thanks to the neurotic unbuckling of seat belts!! It's a seat belt people,  not some python squeezing the life out of you! Duh! Don't even get me started on those idiots who spring up from their seat trying to race a few people out of the plane! Congratulations, you just left the plane 10 seconds quicker than you would have!! Yay for you!! You deserve an award!!

Talking about annoying people, I was returning home from Delhi recently and the  woman on the other side of the aisle was a noisy boss woman who kept whining about some colleague who took her for lunch and refused to fit the bill.. The funny thing is the very next call she made was to the very same guy telling him that his idea of going out for lunch was a great one! So here we are waiting for take-off and she refuses to end her supposedly urgent phone call.. She was constantly giving the guy advice about being a better salesman.. One brave guy finally asked the air hostess to ask her to switch off her phone!! '' God bless him'' I muttered to myself.. To his chagrin and mine, the air hostess went and told someone totally different to switch off her phone! So here we were stuck with the woman going, ''Blah Blah Blah'' Trust me when I tell you, everyone surrounding us probably knew all the names of her colleagues by the time she was done with her call! I was not a happy traveller.. I had blocked ears and a splitting headache when I arrived in Mumbai!! I kept thinking about a video that I watched where a guy throws a woman's phone out of a moving car because she wouldn't stop talking! Sigh! How I wish I could do the same too!!!

To end my ranting, let me tell you what happened a few days back.. I was standing in the check in queue and a guy came and said ''Madam, Mera flight miss ho jaayega.. Please aage jaane do!'' When he reached the counter, a huge ruckus ensued!! Turns out he had come in at 9:45 for a 9:50 flight!! It looked like he was going to burst into tears right then and there!! Why wouldn't someone have told the poor guy that this isn't a bus that allows people to board a minute before departure?? I couldn't help but feel bad for the poor guy!!

So as promised, I end here with the hope that I don't come across any funny humans during my future flights which is close to impossible!

Toodles till the next time something amuses me!! 😜