shicekizean

It is, I think, wondrous, that all these things I write down on this diary came from my vague memories. Remembering all them is like seeing a blurry tape, all unclear but his eyes - just his eyes. Until now, even years after, I can still feel the electricity I felt back then under those gazes. It was just beautiful. And although my memory of the scenes I had with him are hazy, faint pictures, at least I know that what I feel - and what I'll forever feel, stays the same. Stays unscathed. Still as clear as always.

Why I Loved the Bad Boy

'Yon ang huling araw na naging magkasama kami.


I didn't see him quite often at school after I saw him play. He was out of my sight, but how can he stay existing in my head? Maybe because his smile keeps on appearing in my mind whenever I float away from reality. Maybe because I keep on seeing his photos on my phone.


Or maybe he was just meant to be remembered, every single day.


I kept myself distracted by reviewing even without tests. Kapag kasi hindi ako nagre-review, saka ko lang siya naiisip. And I want to refrain from thinking of him more, because it's intoxicating me – my head, heart, and soul. His effect on me is so full and permanent. My thoughts of him is what keeps me both insane and sane. Insane, because I can't stop my mind from thinking of him, and sane, because he was a sign that I... still feel.


Every night at my room, I always wonder – what is up with Sean and why is he so mysterious? He's like a book, with a very enthralling gist and cover, but one you can never open. Unless you force it or you... just let the book open alone by itself. Of course that's impossible. Perhaps he's like a book, yes, and you can only flip a single page, once, and wait again, for another chance to open it and flip a page.


I wanted to know him more, but didn't he say I should stop following him? I'm afraid I might anger him and something might happen I wouldn't like. Like, he will shove me, ignore me, or yell at me. I wouldn't be able to bear to face that kind of... dreadful affection.


Everything went back to normal. Sometimes I get to see a glimpse of him from the classroom he's in, or in a gym, or at the cafeteria, but that's just that. A glimpse.


Times like that are rare. It barely happens. Kasi mailap siya, eh. Like I said, he hides, and he shows. Like the sun. And like the sun, no matter how many times he leave, there will still come a dawn where he will show up again.


Those rare moments are moments I mostly keep. Seeing that eyes of his send my heart beating fast. It all came from a short second but the joy it brings lasts for a whole week.


Why did I feel like that? Why do I always yearn to see him more, watch him more, and know a lot of him, more?


We seldom talked, never even had a real conversation, so why? Was it his eyes? Was it his voice?


Was it just... him? Geez, what kind of power did he swirl around me, to make me feel like that? It was confusing for me, but I kept having the feeling, anyway. As long as it doesn't bring me harm, I continued feeling that way.


One afternoon, I went to my locker only to see a white post it against it. There was a carefree handwriting, small, almost like a cursive, but I understood them.


After I read it, my heart almost flew out my chest.


I laughed. It was just supposed to be a chuckle, but it turned out to be a laugh; from low, to loud and hard. I gained weird looks from my schoolmates but I didn't mind them. My cheeks warmed and my stomach churned.


I realized we parted ways that night without him, asking for my name.


I took the post it, folded it neatly and put it in the middle of the pages of my favorite book. I didn't know where to meet him, but I know if I'm meant to see him, wherever my feet go, they'll find their ways towards him.


Now, writing this, I am holding on that post-it. It was his first of a hundreds post its he'd given me, but this one, now all brown and crispy and old, is one of the things I treasure most.


Chapter Five