Chapter Eighteen (ii)

| Christmas |

Minutes later, perhaps ten, I went out my room and decided to socialize with my relatives for a little bit. We just meet once in a year, and so I decided to wake up the tiny bit extroversion left in me.

But the moment I opened my door, Kuya met me and stopped me from walking.

"Uy!" I said, shocked.

Kuya held my shoulders. I looked up to him, who was really tall (a few inches taller than Sean) and he was smiling proudly.

"Bakit?" I asked, and a smile crept up on my lips. I really missed Kuya.

"Naka-jackpot ka kay Sean," he said that made me blush. "Ang bait. Kaso hindi masyado gwapo eh..." he said, rubbing his chin while squinting his eyes.

I laughed at him. "Sira!"

He laughed as well, and then shook his head. "Anyway, Riz, I noticed something weird."

I frowned. "Saan?"

"Dito, sa bahay," he said. He looked around, examining the house he used to live at, and placed his hands on his pockets. "It seemed... warmer. Saka alam mo ba? Mom is smiling!"

He said it as if it's a rare phenomenon. Like seeing Mom smile is as rare as seeing a blue moon.

Well, perhaps that's true. But seeing that kind of reaction was hilarious.

"Yeah," I said, just keeping the part why she suddenly changed. Vance. School. Harassment. I shook all those away and smiled honestly on Kuya. "I think she's finally proud of you."

He smiled, and patted my head. "Hope so." He just continued smiling, as if being swallowed by joy. "Anyway, Sean already went home."

I was smiling, but that instantly fell down by what he said. I furrowed my brows in disbelief. "What?"

"Pumunta siyang plaza," he said and winked. "Go to him. Hindi mo s'ya malalandi dito."

I blushed again. "Geez!" I said. "Whatever," I said and turned around. I heard Kuya chuckle to himself as the sounds of his footsteps fade.

As I was walking downstairs, Sean's gift on my hand, I bumped onto someone, a guy – who, I assumed, was my cousin.

"Sorr–"

"Oh!" I exclaimed when my gift fell down the stairway, following it as it tumbled.

"Shit, sorry!"

I picked it up. Good thing the wrapper didn't become a mess! I looked up to see who I bumped with, and there I saw a tall guy, black-eyed and curly haired.

"Sorry, ah?" he said with an apologetic eyes, scratching his nape.

"Okay lang," I replied. "Um, sorry, but... are you one of my cousins?"

His eyes widened and his palms shook together with his head. "No, no. Anak lang ng katrabaho ng Papa mo," he said and smiled. "Maurice?"

I nodded, suddenly unnerved that he wasn't a cousin. That just meant he was a stranger, and I was socializing with him! "Yeah, okay! Nice to meet you. Bye!"

I slapped myself internally as I ran away from him, realizing I didn't ask for his name.

--

There were a lot of people on the plaza. Loud music of Silent Night played in the background, the string of green, orange, and red lights sparkled beautifully like stars. People were scattered, eating, and some just plainly but enjoyably talking and having fun.

I rubbed my palms together to lessen the coldness I was feeling. Then I continued to look for him.

As I was walking, my eyes landed upon a big star. No, not the big circle of gas star – an artificial star with a color of yellow, shining on top of a giant Christmas tree.

My eyes shone upon the view.

--

As I am remembering this, I didn't know that I could feel so much emotions that all of it could mix together. There is a part of me that wants to cry, and another to just cherish this moment, feel the point of my pen sway against this crispy paper, and remember everything that happened and things I saw back then. It is a coin. A side of that night is beautiful, and another extremely wretched.

--

The Christmas tree was in the very middle of the plaza, and most people scatter around there. I didn't remove my eyes from looking at it. I walked, as if a moth enthralled to a flame, and I just saw myself standing along with people, admiring the tree.

"Beautiful," I whispered under my breath.

Just then, I dropped my gaze and it fell on the boy I have been looking for.

Sean was sitting on a bench, his arms placed coolly on either sides, looking up, probably admiring the Christmas tree, too.

Then his gaze dropped as well.

I smiled as our eyes met. He smiled lopsidedly.

Gripping on my gift tighter, I walked towards him with the remaining smile on my face.

"Hey," I called. "Kuya said he likes you."

He moved to make space for me, and I sat there. He just shrugged.

"What do you expect?"

"Sean," I said, shaking my head. "You're one of a boastful retard."

"That hurts."

"Remove it by this," I said, and pushed my gift harshly against his chest which gained a quiet groan of pain by him.

That pain quickly ended as he saw my gift. Then he smirked. Slowly, he removed the ribbon on top, and then I felt my heart beat pound fast. I didn't expect for myself to feel nervous as I watch him open the gift I made, but I still did.

What's beneath the wrapper was a box that contains a bottle filled with letters. They were my wishes, notes, and some reminders – to be always happy and just smile.

He blushed instantly in that cold midnight, staring at the transparent bottle as if he was seeing northern lights.

"Wow," he whispered. "My gift became stupid."

I burst out laughing. "Yeah." But that's not true. I can look at his picture forever when I'm sad, and it'll always make me smile. I found the concept beautiful – we both gave each other gifts that will make us both happy.

"I just... wanted to give you something that can... uh... make you smile," he said, looking away. "I wanted to give you something different. Not necklaces, bracelets, any jewelries because you're not fond of them. You had enough books. My money isn't enough to afford a beautiful painting. God. It was so hard to choose."

I was just smiling the time he was blabbering those. It really was obvious that Sean was embarrassed, or shy, or whatever you call it, but it was adorable.

"It's fine."

"It's not." He rolled his eyes and showed me the bottle. "Compared to this –"

"Are we in a competition here?"

"No, but–"

"Shut up. Your gift made me happy, and that's enough."

He smiled. "Damn it," he said. He ran his fingers through his hair and, to no one, he whispered, "Has it been... this happy to love you?"

Sean's mouth has no filter – he doesn't care which time, which place, which sound he wants to create, when saying something raw. So bold that goes directly in my heart.

He doesn't care!

"W-Whatever," I just simply said and looked away.

I remember being suddenly uncomfortable under that Christmas tree, my palms rested flat on my legs, looking at people. I didn't know what he was doing but my guess was he's examining his gift.

I looked up. The stars were scattered across the Christmas sky, and as usual, they were beautiful. I just let myself busy admiring its beauty – when all of a sudden, a warm hand wrapped over mine.

"Maurice," Sean whispered. "Let's go somewhere else."

I frowned despite my shaking heart. "Where?"

"Somewhere more beautiful," he said and winked.

I couldn't help but let out a tiny laugh. "Okay, then," I said, wrapping my hand against his tighter.

I remember walking with him hand in hand, under the Christmas lights and stars on the streets and skies. It was cold, and it was slipping through my red, cotton sweater. We were saying nothing as we were both looking up, appreciating the Christmas night that comes along only once a year.

He and I stared at the skies for so long, we can almost feel our feet drifting from the ground. The galaxies seem to spin above, pulling us from Earth.

When he stopped walking, I stopped as well, and I looked at him questionably.

"Uh... we're here."

I looked around and I realized we are standing in front of a vacant lot. I pulled my hand away from his, walked towards the lot, and sat on a 'tamburong' (as how my Dad calls it). He followed me.

I put my palms on my either sides and watch the stars blink. I wondered if they've been witnessing stuffs, from Christ's birth, from here. I'm sure they've witnessed so many deaths, and as well as births. They've witnessed crimes, dying people, calamities and alike.

Wow, being a star must suck.

"Enjoying the view?"

"I'm wondering how awful it is if you're a star," I said and smirked.

He frowned but later on smiles. "Why?"

"They're seeing things compellingly."

"Like what?"

"People being killed... you know, horrible stuffs," I said and looked at my nails.

He laughed. "But they can always turn around, can't they?"

I gasped at his thought. "Oh!" I squealed. "What if all this time, they're turned around and hasn't seen any of us and this world?"

"Yeah, I might agree – but that's completely irrational." He shrugs while grinning. "They're balls of gases, for Pete's sake."

I scoffed.

We stayed there for a while, looking up. There were no words. Just us.

I was contented.

His presence was so immense, that I myself felt so conscious with every move I make. Sean has really became a part of me – because since we've met, I discovered who I really am. Perhaps if we didn't meet, if he didn't come running like a storm towards us in that abandoned room, I'm still lost right now – stuck, helpless.

I thank God, fate, destiny, every nonsensical things humans believe on, because of his existence, and also because of our hearts that found each other amongst other hearts longing for one in this world.

Oh my God, I remember saying. The stars shone with the streetlights, and my heart pounds fast. My grip on my sweater became tighter, and I took in a huge breath.

Am I going to tell him now?

"Uh..." I start to say, looking upwards. I tightened my fist. "I... I don't plan to be dramatic, but I, um, just want to say that the... months I've been with you have been my favorite months... ever." I gulped.

His head turned around in a shot, as if he's surprised. "Oh... and?"

"Uh... and maybe if I haven't met you, I'm still looking for myself... so, thank you." I looked at him, and even if I couldn't smile, I did.

He started to smirk, as if proud of himself. "More?"

I blushed. "H-Huh? Nothing else, I—"

He didn't reply. He just sat there, looking through me, a smirk on his lips. He was staring at me, probably thinking I was amusing, and when I couldn't take it anymore because his eyes seem to burn me, I spoke.

I sighed. "I... I just want you to know... how much I treasure you."

Sean moved closer to me, removing any space we had in between.

When our eyes found each other, I thought it's like seeing two blinking stars. His eyes have always been the stars for me. They aren't balls of gases, but they shine, they grant wishes, they see. How much I hoped he thinks my eyes are like stars, too.

His voice that night was as cold as the wind, and yet so warm in my heart. Everything about him is ironical, but I didn't mind. I was so sure right there. Nothing could change my mind.

I love him.

I love him.

I love him.

His words are music to me, his whole existence is my dream, and our love... our love will forever be my wonder.

"Everything you've said... is everything I want to tell you," he whispers.

A fast heartbeat occurred in my chest, and my fingers almost felt numb as it was gripping on the hem of my sweater. I looked onto his eyes, his dark eyes, and I felt the want...

The desire...

To plant my lips on top of his.

I gulped.

My heart loses itself.

When Sean's face moved closer to my face, I didn't do anything. It's like being blindfolded walking through an empty space – willing to do anything, even if not sure whether you're gonna fall off a cliff or on a deep, salt water. Nothing was sure, nothing was certain, but I didn't think about anything, didn't dream of anything. I just imagined myself falling and falling for Sean, because upon living in years in loneliness and grief, loving him is the most beautiful thing I have ever done – and perhaps that will never, ever end. Loving him became my escape, my savior, my bliss, my pain, my hope. And I will never stop loving him – I will love him until the last tip of my lifeline drops, until I have my last second of breath. I will love him forever is a clichéd line, but I will. I will. I have never been so sure of anything, but I knew my love for him will last.

As our lips met, I closed my eyes and felt his heat. Everything fell down to pieces, but it created beautiful smithereens that weren't meant to cut our hearts to bleed. We kissed in that Christmas, under the skies and the lights within the cold waft of December air, and...

The time seemed to stop along the clocks, as Sean and I created our own space wherein time didn't exist.

Just us.

The words that I was meaning to say was stuck beneath my throat, disappearing, and I thought telling them would make no sense, because the fact that I have lent him my lips says it all.

As our lips parted, he looked at me. His eyes were almost closing, and perhaps so were mine. It's like we've been in a same dream, a dream we didn't want to wake up from, but we had to.

My fingers touched his cheek.

"Sean, I..."

His finger touched my lips. He kissed my forehead, a long, sweet one, and I closed my eyes and felt its beautiful romance.

"I love you, too."

His words melted in my heart, and then stayed there.

I smiled. I knew I didn't have to say it.

--

It was very romantic, indeed it was. Until now, even if it's decades after, I have never forgotten how his lips and mine danced against each other softly. I wished we could continue kissing like that, but that kiss was the last.

I didn't want to detail about things that happened after. It was too painful for me to recall the things that are too cruel for me, and so I will just write those details that are needed to be written, with less descriptions.

After the time Sean and I had, I was so happy. So happy that I have forgotten what it felt like to be in sadness. He walked me home, our hands holding. Just when I thought everything is going perfect, my phone buzzed on my pocket.

My Dad texted me and said that I should be relaxed. He told me to prepare myself. Upon reading his message, I felt confused, so I had to stop walking that made Sean stop as well.

Dad suddenly called, and I immediately answered it.

What he said made my knees give up, so I dropped on the ground, my hands shaking. It alerted Sean and he quickly wrapped his hand on my shoulders. My world broke into two as I let those words of my father sink in my head.

Remembering these things, I felt the need to cry again. I thought everything was going fine until life breaks down on me.

I just hope I stayed beside Sean, so he will, too. I kept on saying about how much I regret not fully giving him enough understanding, about how mysterious he'd been, about how pain I've felt that I lost him.

But the truth is, I am the one to be blamed, because Sean didn't disappear.

I did.

♥