I

Pagkatapos ng dalawang taon, anim na buwan, anim na araw at pitong oras ng pagiging tayo, finally, I'm cutting you off.

I'm calling it quits.

I'm breaking up with you but you won't see it coming. Iyong high school girlfriend mong hindi ka mahindian, iyong babaeng uupo lang sa tabi when you tell her she's a drag and that dating a girl in high school fucking sucks– yes, sa wakas, that girl is breaking up with you.

I'm breaking up with you even though Christmas is next week– kahit pa may nabili na akong regalo para sayo at para sa pamilya mo.

I'm breaking up with you even though the thought of breaking up with you hurts.

This is how it will go down. Simple lang, tutal dalawang taon at higit palang naman iyong nasasayang natin.

Una, punta tayong Hong Kong Disney Land. Bumili kasi ang nanay mo ng tickets as a Christmas present. Syempre ayoko, but it would be shitty not to go kasi aakalain nilang tinatanggihan ko sila pero ang totoo, sayo ko talaga gustong gawin iyon. Ayaw ko na kasing makita ang pagmumukha mo, but I'll do it anyway.

Ayoko sanang masaktan ng sobra iyong mga magulang mo, I want them to hurt as little as possible. Kasi kapag tapos na tayo, iyong mga magulang mo– na itinuturing ako bilang anak, at inaakala nilang magiging parte din ng pamilya niyo, eventually– will be collateral damage. Mas may ilalala pa kasi iyong plano ko pagkatapos natin mag Disney, pero at least, your mom won't feel like she wasted the money.

Hindi na ako makapaghintay. Gusto ko ng matapos kaagad bago pa sumapit ang pasko. Kasi kapag hindi, you'll get me a sweet gift like you did last year, and I won't be able to go through it.

Kailangan kong gawin. Planado na kasi ang lahat. I've pictured it a thousand times, sa kahit na anong paraan.

Pangalawa, when you come pick me up, siguro mag dedebate ang iba't ibang parte ng utak ko kung maghihintay na naman ako ng ilang araw bago ituloy, because I always get captivated by those hazel eyes, lalo na kapag nakikita ko ang kinang kapag maayos ang suot ko. Those eyes are going to be rimmed and pleading, for sure. Kaya sisiguraduhin kong hindi maayos ang itsura ko kapag dumating ang araw na iyon.

Tapos ikaw, syempre, you'll be crazy hot, wearing a tie or something that will definitely make my jaw drop, lalo na kapag nakatiklop iyong mahabang manggas mo hanggang sa siko, and the thought of you dressing up for another girl after we break up will make me insanely jealous.

Isa pa, I'll feel even more uncertain kapag nakita kitang kasama iyong nakababatang kapatid ko, who you genuinely adore. Isa kasi iyon sa dahilan kung bakit ako nahulog sa iyo. You love kids more than I do. Pagkatapos ay hahalikan mo ang kapatid ko sa pisngi bago tayo umalis para mag sine, and she will kiss you right back. That will be the sweetest goddamn thing. So fuck you.

On our way to the theater, mag-aaway tayo ng kaunti. Maiinis ka kasi kailangan kong umuwi bago pa mag alas dose. Bubuntong-hininga ka, iiling, tapos kunwari ay maiintindihan mo. Sasabihin mong maswerte ako kasi mahal mo ako. Nagsama na doon ang puri at puna but I will still believe you. Dahil kahit mahigpit ang magulang ko and although I'm a little bit of a prude and boring, mas pinili mo ako kaysa doon sa daan-daang babae na mas may ibubuga. Kaya nga siguro maswerte ako.

Habang tinutungo natin ang daan papuntang sinehan, tatangayin na naman ako ng libo libong ala-ala sa kung saan, habang hawak hawak ng kanang kamay mo iyong hita ko. Maaalala ko iyong araw na bumyahe tayo sa Palawan– sa isang resort, during our 1st anniversary. I will think about every single word that you've said habang sabay natin pinagmamasdan ang paglubog ng araw.

Jen, ang hirap mo mahalin. But I can't stop. Hindi ako titigil.

Pagkatapos ay mangangasim ang mukha ko dahil sa ala-alang iyon. I will slowly get your hands off my leg.

That's maybe the most romantic thing but that hurt me. Hindi naman kasi ako mahirap mahalin. Pero ganoon para sayo, just because I have super strict parents plus I have these so many crazy ideas about chastity. Wala ka din pakialam sa tuwing napaparusahan ako ng mga magulang ko pag-uwi dahil sa hindi ko pagsunod ng curfew.

Pagkarating sa sinehan, you'll be a perfect gentleman. You'll be kissing my neck while holding my hand. Hindi mo maiintindihan ang palabas kasi mas itutuon mo ang atensiyon mo sa paghalik saakin.

After the show, pipirmi tayo sa loob ng sasakyan, ibibili mo ko ng pagkain sa Mcdonald's, our typical late-night-snack-place. Ibibili mo ako ng happy meal, kahit na ayoko. But you'll force me to. Ayaw mo kasing kumakain ng mag-isa. You'll tell me I love cheeseburger and fries and that will be that. Wala na akong magagawa.

"Brent, I have something to tell you..." After we eat, uumpisahan ko na iyong plano ko.

But you won't be paying attention. Tititig ka lang sakin na para bang wala kang pakialam sa kahit ano mang sasabihin ko. You'll smile your sweet, sexy smile and you'll come closer. Tapos may iaabot ka. Isang box, isang jewelry box. Ayokong malaman iyong nasa loob kaya tititig lang ako doon, hindi ako magdedesisyong buksan iyon. Hindi ko hahayaang mahulog ang sarili ko sa mga pakulo mo, dahil anytime soon, I'm breaking up with you.

But your smile will slide off your face.

Hindi ko kakayanin.

"What's wrong?" Manginginig ka ng kaunti. Pero susubukan mong kumalma.

And then I will start to wonder. Iisipin ko kung anong pakiramdam ng wala ka. Paano kung ito na iyong huli?

Magdadalawang isip ako. Tititigan kita kasi kahit na hindi maganda iyong gusto kong mangyari, I still can't stop looking at you. Gustong gusto pa din kita.

Ang ganda ng mga mata mo. Tapos kumikinang pa dahil sa mga ilaw sa labas. Dati, hindi ko matitigan ang mga iyan. You were so popular– well, magpa-hanggang ngayon pa rin naman. Drummer ka kasi ng pinakasikat na banda sa university. Tapos napansin mo ako, I was a freshman back then and you were a senior. You said you're taking me out. I'm now realizing that wasn't a question. Technically, hindi ka nagtanong. Hindi mo man lang ako binigyan ng pagkakataong sumagot ng hindi.

I will take a deep breath. "We have to break up."

Tititig ka pa rin. Lulunok ka at saka yuyuko ng bahagya. Itutuon mo ang pansin sa maliit na kahon na nasa harapan. You will slowly set my Christmas present on the dashboard.

"Ayoko. I'll kill myself."

I will be stunned and my mind will freeze. I've read Romeo and Juliet so many times. At that time, I thought the story was beautifully tragic. Pero putangina? That was insane.

Kill

Myself

Syempre magagalit ako. Putting your hypothetical suicide on me makes me so angry. But I'll be scared. Paano kung totoo nga?

"Hindi mo kaya." Tapos ay hihina ang boses ko, as if saying them more quietly will calm the beast that's growing inside you. Then suddenly, you'll grip my hands, ikukulong mo ang mga palad ko sa mga kamay mo ng sobrang higpit.

"I can." Mabagal, malinaw at nakakatakot. Para kang nakikipag-usap sa pitong taong gulang na bata.

"Jesus, Brent." Ipipiksi ko ang kamay mo palayo, then you will have the chance to hit the steering wheel with your fist, hard.

"What is wrong with you?" Tears will be flowing quickly from my eyes. Hihinahon ka ng kaunti habang nakatitig saakin. You'll try to wipe them away.

"It's your fault for saying shit like that... stop crying."

"I meant it. Ayoko na, please." Mag-uumpisa akong manginig habang iniiwas ko palayo ang tingin sayo.

"Then I mean it, too."

I will stop. I'll start to hear my bestfriend's voice in my head.

Stop letting him manipulate you. Alam na alam niya kung paano ka paikutin.

Tatahimik tayo pareho ng matagal. Magsisimulang maglakbay ang utak ko sa kung saan. Sa mga sandaling ganito, laging ganoon ang nangyayari. I will start to think about weird stuff. Iyong thesis kong hindi ko pa natatapos, iyong kwarto kong dalawang linggo ko ng hindi nalilinisan. But this night, I will also think of Mike. Nitong nakaraan, I haven't been able to stop thinking about him, simula noong nagkaroon kami ng kaunting salu-salo sa school kasama siya.

So while you sit there imagining your suicide, I'll start to think about everything that happened during the party.

Kaibigan ko si Mike. Hindi ko alam kung gusto ko siya sa paraang iba. Pero noong kasama ko siya, I realized that I might be feeling something for someone who isn't you.

Madami pa palang ibang lalake ano? Ano kayang pakiramdam ng mahalikan siya? o kahit man lang mahawakan ang kamay niya?

Kahit na alas otso na ng gabi, we still managed to get out of school. Nagyaya siyang kumain sa may pinakamalapit na 7/11 ng kaming dalawa lang.  Iniwan namin iyong mga kasamahan sa loob. And then we talked all night and laughed so hard our stomachs hurt. Sa tagal ng panahon, iyon ang unang beses na hindi ako nahiyang maging ako.

I told him I am obsessed with books. I told him there's this single book I want so much that I feel ill without it. And the next day, he gave me a bookmark that he made. It was such a small thing– literally, figuratively– but I kept it. FUCK I KEPT IT.

Pero mabalik ako sayo– sa ating dalawa.

"Brent." hahawakan ko ang kamao mo. "Mahal kita... pero ayoko na."

"You're my life..." You'll say.

I will stare at you– wont be able to move, dahil hindi ko pa ito kailanman narinig mula sayo. Damn, I hate you. I hate it because it's telling me to wait. You really know how to keep me with you. You always do.

Your eyes will be sad but full of love, and it will trigger me to remember things that I should stop remembering.

Maaalala ko lahat lahat.

I will remember the time when you ditched your friends while you're on vacation just because I was sick. You made me soup and stayed curled up next to me. Hindi mo nga inalintana iyong sipon at ubo ko.

And I will remember the time when you sang to me your favorite song, habang palabas ako ng klase sa Geometry. Gosh, sobrang gifted mo, hindi ka lang kasi magaling na drummer, sobrang galing mo din kumanta, sobrang gwapo mo pa.

Tapos... iyong unang halik natin: against a wall, doon sa library ng college department. Damn.

Pero aalalahanin kong may bibitawan din akong mga salita. Mga salitang gusto kong isupalpal sayo, but whenever I try to, lagi kang may ginagawang maganda para sakin.

"Hindi na tayo masaya." I want to be happy. Sobra.

"Lagi tayong magkaaway. Lagi nalang masama ang timpla mo kapag kasama mo ako."

"Because your fucking parents won't let me see you!"

And then I will start to yell, too. Dumadating talaga tayo sa puntong ganito. Especially when you talk about my parents as your fucking parents, nagiging sobra ka doon, and I can't just ignore that. I love my fucking parents!

"I'm seventeen! I have a curfew. May klase ako kada umaga. I can't stay out until three a.m. katulad mo!"

You'll apologize. Tapos ay aabutin ng mga daliri mo iyong kwintas na bigay mo noong nakaraang pasko. You'll gently caress it and that will make me shiver. Pakiramdam ko kasi ay sasakalin mo ako.

"We have to break up."

You'll turn away from me, tapos ay makakaramdam ako ng kaunting hapdi sa bandang leeg.

You took the necklace with you.

I'll be crying out of frustration. I'll never be able to put it back together. Iyong kwintas... tayo. Hindi na.

But you'll apologize once more. Titingin ka saakin tapos ay iiyak. Hahagulgol.

Fuck.

Gusto kong manatili iyong galit. But it's going...

"Don't be like him."

Tapos ito na...

You'll start comparing me to your dad. Ganitong-ganito ka kasi noon habang pinagmamasdan mo siyang lumabas ng bahay niyo dala-dala ang maraming bagahe. He left you and your mom. And I was the one who put you back together.

Tapos isang memorya na naman ang pipigil sakin.

"Huwag mo akong iiwan."

Starry night sky, bonfire and ocean waves. We were sitting on the sand while I was locked up in your arms.

"I won't."

Sobrang lapit ng bibig mo.

"Promise me. Ayokong matulad sa mga magulang ko. Gusto ko akin ka lang. Please, Jen."

"I promise."

Matatauhan ako dahil doon. Madadala ako sa pag iyak mo so I'll decide not do this anymore. Pagkatapos kong mapagtanto lahat ng pinagdaanan natin, I'll find myself wrapping my arms around you.

"I love you. I love you. Hindi ko sinasadya."

You'll press your lips against mine. Malalasahan ko ang kaunting alat doon dahil sa luha nating dalawa. Hahayaan kitang buhatin ako sa kandungan mo. Hahayaan kong hawakan mo ang iba't ibang parte ng katawan ko. Your hands will cover my body na para bang pagmamay-ari nila ako. They stop asking permission a long time ago. We'll go further than we ever have because I'll feel like I owe you, dahil sa ginawa ko. I'll tell you, I did not mean it– repeatedly, while we're in the middle of kissing.

"Mabuti nalang hindi ko kailangan patayin ang sarili ko ngayong gabi."