CHAPTER 15

"Left what do you mean left?" I asked, finding it difficult to make sense of what she said.

"He just left, he said since I want to stay alone with you guys I should." She broke off crying.

I was relieved, she was suppose to be happy OK if not happy relieved, not shaken the way she was now. "Then why are you crying like this?" I asked, holding her as we sat on the bed. I was trying to contain my frustration.

She looked so weak. I was her anchor now and my heart ached for her and for me because I had to learn how to be strong at such a young age when I should have been enjoying childhood fantasies. My childhood was taken from me forcefully and I hated the world for it.

"I still love him, I don't want him to leave! He is my husband and your father." she sobbed.

"What will his people say if something happens to him now that he has left? They will Blame me if anything goes wrong with him. I don't want to be a widow. I want him with me, safe. He claims that I have turned you people against him, but God knows that it's not true and I know that deep down he knows this. I don't know why he refuses to accept that the way you the children react to him_and treat him_is because of the way he treats you people, and the way he treats me too when you all are watching. You can't treat a mother badly and expect her children to love you. Why cant he understand this. I don't know why he keeps blaming me for everything!" She wailed.

I was furious. Love! That word disgusted me more than I could put into words, especially at times like this.

"Who cares what they will say. To hell with them!" I shouted, "To hell with him. To hell everybody! Daddy knows the truth but he refuses to acknowledge it! And no one is suffering his hostility apart from us so they should not have a say in the matter."

"Don't say things like that." My mum cautioned. "He Is still your father"

"I have no father as far as I'm concerned. Do you want us to be motherless? think of your children" I spat angrily. I was seething. "Think of David and Daniel." I continued. I took in deep breaths to calm down. "And me." There was nothing that I hated more than seeing my mother vulnerable, nothing. It hurt me. It did.

"I'm thinking of you guys that's why I don't want to leave him."

"That's not the best decision for us actually It is the worst. Do you know how all this has scarred me? How that man you call my father has broken me. I hate him!" I spat.

"Shut up! Don't say things like that." She warned and I kept quiet. Although that's exactly how I felt about my father, and he kept giving me reasons to hate him even more. I doubted strongly if I would ever learn to see him as a father and not a monster.

"Well I do hate him, and I don't think I can stand him mistreating you again, if you won't do something about it then I would." I spoke after silence had prevailed between us for a while.

"What will you do Mira? Life's not a game, a woman should be submissive"

"Submissive to the devil?" I asked. "No I don't think so and enough with that sick African mentality. A woman is not a subject to a man but his equal. Not to be stepped on but to be cherished."

"You would not speak of your father like that!" She shouted. Her eyes raked me in anger. I let go of her hand and stood up from my small bed.

Her shouting didn't scare me, neither did it hurt me much, I was used to her defending her husband. I hated that she always ended up getting angry at me who was only trying to protect her.

My brothers came into the room and hugged me.

"I wanted to save you" Daniel said. "He hit me , he hit us on our head like this." Daniel raised his hand to demonstrate a knock.

"He's a monster." David murmured shivering. "I'm scared of him."

"That's enough!" My mother yelled. But I was not going to listen to her defend him this time I've had it.

"No mum that's not enough, on the contrary we have had enough. One day you will have to choose between him and us. And I wonder who you would choose." It hurt me to say this out especially to her but it had to be said.

"Of course I would choose you my children, you all are what I love most." She stood up to hug us. "Everything will be OK, he will change he is just being deceived by another woman yet again. I'm sure of it, only another woman can make him act like this. He will return to us."

I didn't say anything else as I've heard the same story over and over again. We've all been in this situation time and time again. It was a vicious cycle that my mum was too scared to pull us out of.