With Time

"A pot of tea for you, holy man?"

The waiter glanced curiously at the monk standing outside the teahouse. Expectantly, he waited for a reply, but the monk did not even open his eyes.

"Ah, these stupid monks," the waiter muttered in disgust to himself, flicking his towel rudely in the monk's direction as he returned to the teahouse. "Should have known they would have been too holy for the likes of this. Why can't he find another spot to meditate, I say?"

Fahai opened his eyes and stared unseeingly into the distance. The dreams had been getting worse recently. Always it had been the memories of the ice, the darkness, the splashing, gasping sounds, the last sight of their faces, white with terror. He had simply been trapped in reliving the ghastly scene.

He had thought nothing could be worse, but last night, the dream had changed. Like so many times before, he had been walking through the snow once more, listening to the snow crunch beneath his feet, and blinking under the brightness of the moon, already knowing what was coming, filled with dread yet unable to do anything. But even before he had reached the lake she had appeared in front of him. Just standing there. Looking at him. With a curiously intent gaze, slightly mournful. There was no anger in her eyes, and perhaps it would have been better if there had been.

It had taken his breath away, how lifelike she was. So real he knew that if he could have put his hand out in the dream and touched her, he would have felt the firm warmth of flesh and blood. But he could not. Even if he wanted to. He stood there frozen, staring wordlessly back at her.

She was not wearing the clothes she had worn that day--her last day. She was wearing a white gown he had told her he liked, with a sprig of plum blossoms in her hair.

For what seemed like eternity she had stood there and watched him without saying anything, but he knew that she knew everything, she knew he had been there that night when she and Yao Guang died.

And then he had woken up, in a cold sweat.

The dream had faded as the day dawned, but Fahai was disturbed by it. He did not know why the dream had changed. Was it better this way? Was it worse?

He had fully intended to stop for some tea, but suddenly a great tiredness made him feel sick of this town. The waiter's rudeness unknowingly had been the last blow.

Why was he lingering around in this place, anyway? He had done some good things for the people he had met here, but he knew that deep down inside he was waiting for some response from Xuxian. If the realgar wine had revealed the truth.

If it had not worked--

For the first time, he wondered if he should give up on this. It would be so easy to move on and forget Bai Suzhen.

"Fahai."

As if in a dream, he heard someone saying his name, hesitantly. He turned slowly, and saw Xuxian standing behind him. The man had been clearly waiting a long while for him to notice him. There was uncertainty and doubt written all over his face. Something had happened; he had changed.

The monk drew a long breath. The realgar wine had worked, after all. Something almost like elation filled him, making his heart beat faster. For a moment, even the memory of the dream was forgotten.

"I must talk to you. Please." Xuxian murmured. His eyes were desperate.

Fahai could not resist it. "About what?"

Xuxian bit his lip. "About Susu."

The monk did not answer immediately. He glanced about keenly and motioned to Xuxian. "Let us go to over there to talk."

He watched Xuxian closely as they moved into a doorway in the alley, out of the draft. "What happened?"

Xuxian raised his head. "You knew all along," he began hopelessly. "Yet you never told me."

"I wanted you to find out for yourself. I knew you would never believe me otherwise. You loved her too much."

"You are right. I am grateful to you for--for not revealing it to everyone. For protecting Susu in that way."

Fahai waited for him to explain what had happened. He knew the man was in great pain. Words finally came to Xuxian.

"I told her to go. I asked her not to come back again. Not to harm anyone. I promised her I would not put her in danger if she did so."

His chest was heaving unsteadily. "Holy man--what if Susu did not eat their hearts? She said she did kill them. The bandits. But she insisted she had never eaten their hearts. I want to believe her. The Susu I know would not do such a vicious thing. She has never been selfish or cruel." His words fell over each other in his haste, trembling with earnestness.

"That is the woman you thought you knew." Fahai said quietly. "Did you think that she would hunt down and kill all those bandits, either?"

Xuxian did not reply. At last he said, "She would never hurt me. Or the people around us. I can believe she might kill them because she wanted to protect us. I can understand that."

Fahai put a hand on his arm, a firm pressure that checked him from saying more. "You are very upset. That is to be expected. You do not want to be believe the worst of her because you still love her very much. That, too, is natural. You will feel torn. As time passes, however, you will heal."

He wondered vaguely if that had indeed been the case for himself. But the words, coming so easily to his lips, were flowing smoothly from his mouth, as smoothly as if he had been chanting prayers...

"It is hard to escape from the wiles of a demon, especially when you have been under their thrall for as long as you have. She treated you well, that is true. But the facts remain unchanged. She is a snake spirit, who has killed people, and eaten their hearts. No matter how it hurts, you must break away from her."

Xuxian swallowed. "I don't know," he ended miserably. "Please, tell me. Am I wrong to want to trust her? I am foolish. I don't understand things like you do. But could it be that not all demons are evil? Susu--could she be different?" he pleaded, like a child seeking comfort.

The monk looked incredulously at him. His voice became hard. "You can't give her up, can you?" he said quietly.