All That Matters

She jabbed him in the chest furiously. "Go back right now. Get back to the village before I drum some sense into your wooden block of a head. Don't you know what's good for you?"

Yuanzheng stood his ground. "I was worried about you and Physician Xu. It's better to have more. My axe is better than nothing." he said stubbornly.

He looked meaningfully at her. "And--you didn't answer my question."

Qingqing's hands dropped and she moved away. "What question?" she said with an attempt to look confused.

Yuanzheng lowered his axe. "You asked me if I was in love with you just now. I said yes. But you didn't answer me. Do you care for me at all?"

He moved impatiently towards her as she did not reply. "Look at me, Qingqing. How could you leave like that without saying anything?"

When she still did not speak, Yuanzheng dropped the axe and caught her hands in his. "Qingqing. If you don't care at all for me, just tell me. If I've been the one stirring up unneeded feelings on my own, I know how to deal with it. This won't spoil our friendship. I won't talk to you about this again."

"Even if I do care," Qingqing burst out, goaded to speak, "it doesn't make any difference!"

"What do you mean? It makes a world of difference," he replied passionately. "Of course it matters!"

She pulled her hands away and looked at him with hot and bitter eyes, but somehow he knew that the anger was not directed at him. He had known her for long enough to know that whenever she felt helpless, confused, or conflicted, Qingqing's personality took refuge in anger. She never liked to admit any of those feelings to herself. She hated losing her sense of control. Getting angry turned her problem into an outside enemy rather than herself, and Qingqing was familiar with enemies.

"I am a snake spirit," she said coldly. "You're just a mortal man. I will outlive you by thousands of years if I cultivate carefully. I can take your life with a snap of my fingers. You and I, we have nothing in common, and it should stay that way."

Yuanzheng's voice was gentle when he next spoke. "I want you in my life, Qingqing. I don't care whether you're spirit or human. I only need to know whether you love me. That's all that matters."

Qingqing pointed up the slope towards the grotto with a savage jab of her finger. "I've seen how much Sister Bai suffered. One of the most powerful snake spirits that exists today, and yet, she's become so vulnerable. She's lost her pride. She risked so much for Xuxian, and what could he give her? I don't even recognize Sister anymore. She's become soft because of him. "

"Physician Xu suffered deeply too," Yuanzheng said earnestly. "He is sincere, both in his pain and his desire to be reconciled with her. You are harsh on him, but he suffered as well."

Qingqing interrupted him sharply. "But that's exactly what I mean. Look at how they both suffered. Even if they were happy for a while, was it worth it? If she had loved him less, she would not have been so happy---but she wouldn't have suffered so much either. She walked into this with her eyes open knowing it could break her completely. And yet she didn't care."

She faced him with defiantly with trembling lips. "It's not worth it. I'm scared. I don't want to have all my happiness bound up in one person like that. It's frightening. People can't be trusted. They're bound to let you down eventually, and then what? It's better to be alone. You can still be happy and you never need to risk being hurt. That's how I've lived all along. And I've lived well so far."

In a quick gesture, she put her hand out and pushed him away, not ungently, but Yuanzheng knew it was final. He stepped back, the line of his jaw tightening. "I understand," he said at last with an effort, quietly and heavily.

Qingqing avoided his eyes because she knew that the sight of them would hurt her like a needle. She had not meant to say so much, and hearing the words tumbling out of her mouth had surprised herself as well. Feeling suddenly vulnerable, she turned away from him. "Well, you have my answer now. You should get off this mountain then." she said stiffly.

"You're not wrong to feel this way, after seeing everything they went through," he said lowly. "It's all right to be scared. I will wait for you. If you ever change your mind. If you ever decide one day that it might be worth the risk."

"Don't," she said crisply. "Don't wait for me. It won't happen. You had best go back to your life. I'll go back to mine. You'll forget this soon enough, and so will I. Soon, it won't matter at all."

Yuanzheng stared helplessly at her back, as she refused to look at him. "Qingqing, we'll see each other again, won't we? Please, don't disappear like this. Can we continue being friends like we used to?" he pleaded. He was desperately afraid that this would be the last time he would see her; she sounded so reckless and determined. If she decided to leave this mountain for good, he could no more stop her than stop the river from flowing. And with her powers, he would likely never see her again. The thought was unbearable. Was it really to end so simply like this?

"You don't have to talk to me, if it makes you uncomfortable. What happened today, no one else will know about it--I promise. I don't want to cause you any pain."

She turned then, and gave him the ghost of a smile. "You still make the best noodles, after all," she whispered.

Qingqing pointed at the path he had come from. "Now go. Go home, Yuanzheng."

Her voice throbbed with intensity. "Please."