~HOW YOU WISH IT WENT~

WHAT HAPPENED :

    Today I found out you cheated again and it hurt bad. This is the third time. You added females on your new Facebook that you told me you didn't have tried to hide it from me and have even loved their pictures. My phone had broke so you let me use yours for work purposes I watched you delete everything and then lie about it and even when I brought my proof to you of the lies you simply told me that it wasn't you. Which is not the truth then you also told me that you didn't remember doing any of what you did.

    I lost my head and kicked you out after asking you if you still wanted this relationship with me and you gave me excuses not to answer such as your showing, your eating, your getting ready. What happened to keeping it one hundred with me? You even asked a girl if you could buy her dinner on Valentine's Day and tried to say the message was for me but you weren't even in the city when this accrued. You packed up some stuff and you left without a word to me ignoring me when I was talking to you as if I were a ghost you really couldn't hear.

                                 IN MY HEAD

    I'm screaming at you asking for answers while your in the shower trying my best not to break down and cry. You let out a sigh as I stand there in silence awaiting your response to me. "Let me see what your talking about" you finally say. I pull out the phone and show you the screen shots I took. You tell me to give you a second as you turn off the water and wrap your towel around you. You step out of the shower and take my hand leading me to the living room couches. "Let me explain" you say. At this point I'm still fuming wondering what you could possibly have to say that will justify your lying to me. "Yes I did make a new Facebook and no I didn't tell you about it. When I added those girls it wasn't serious to me and liking their pictures didn't seem like a big deal at the time.

    As for the Valentine's Day text I fucked up with that one and I'm sorry. I know and understand how much days like that mean to you and I shouldn't have done what I did" he says. "How could you think you adding girls and making a whole new social media wasn't that serious given our history? And if it was all out of innocents then why didn't you just tell me why did you lie and try to hide it?" I ask. "I wasn't thinking straight and I didn't want things to mess up between us when they were going so good" he says looking down at the ground. "If we were doing so well then you wouldn't have done this do you even want this relationship? Because it seems like every time things get hard you run to someone else and I'm left hurting." I say to him feeling the tears starting to welt in my eyes. "If I didn't want this I wouldn't still be here". "If you  wanted this you wouldn't try to destroy it" I reply back with out hesitation. We are both sitting there quiet now with our own perceptions running through our head. Tears start to fall from my eyes to my chin at a rapid pace because I myself knows the pain that and distrust that is about to come with this situation.

    "Do you know how long it took us to get to this place where we are actually good and I have a little of trust for you? Do you know how far you just set us back if there is even going to be an us after this?" I say to him tears still rushing down my face. "Why wouldn't there be an us? I don't plan on going anywhere" he says sternly. "But I don't feel that way in these three years I have never cheated I have never thought about cheating I haven't even looked in another mans direction. Your my second relationship you don't think I want to look at guys too? You don't think I want to add them and flirt too? You don't think I want to ask them over and feel what's it's like to explore? But I don't because that's the respect I have for you and when I got into this I had the idea that you too were in this for the long run because that is what you told me. Now I here I  am one child, six miscarriages and sixteen weeks pregnant later and your still doing this shit to me." His head is still down and there is yet another silence between the two of us.

    "I can make it better" he finally says. "No you can't plus your leaving in the next hour. Your just going to leave with us on bad terms too right? You can destroy my heart and leave?". "No" he says. "Well that is exactly what it is your doing" I say getting up to walk away. He grabs hold of my hand and pulls me toward him laying his forehead on my stomach. I try to pull away but he holds me in place. I don't bother to fight anymore I just stand still for the moment. "I'm sorry" he says. Words that I haven't heard in over two years make me crumble when spill out of his mouth, same well knowing he never apologizes.

    "For what?" I ask to see if he really understands the situation at hand here and what is actually going on. "Everything, I know I haven't been the best man that I need to be for you but I will try to make it up to you" he says. I shake my head inside if I should believe him even though every part of me is screaming saying YES HE IS COMING AROUND! "Prove it" I say in an attempt to foolishly guard my heart that he stole the moment I first saw him. He pulls out his phone and goes onto his Facebook he deletes the girls he added and looks at me.... "there is no competition babe you own my heart".

                           ~ I think I'm losing my mind ~