Frail Human Heart

Over the next few weeks, Darren called me out several times. Every Saturday and Sunday I would take him to the far end of the school, into the woods, near the little stream, eat our meals that we packed, and simply stare out into the empty horizon. I suppose you could call it a picnic. Never did I even mention a cinnamon haired girl in our rare instances of small talk.

Every single time we would trek uphill, our boots crunching over the sepia leaves, under the scorching summer sun. Darren had a variety of different books that he always brought along to read, at our furthest destination, the waterfall. He always sat near the edge with his feet dangling down, reading quietly as I would take a swim in the refreshing coolness.

I also enjoyed reading. My taste had changed from fantasy novels, about powerful sorcerer's, enchantresses, fairies, to detective fiction. You could call me a selective reader, because I didn't read a huge variety at a time. If I was interested in a particular genre or author at the time, I would read their books over and over again. Even the current me, I enjoy books about nature and gardening, so I rarely touch anything else. My favourite author at that time was Agatha Christie. Her mystery novels were so enticing. Even after reading each one repeatedly, I would always be surprised about how much I still found it amusing.

Sometimes our little trip would take place on a sweltering afternoon, where the sky would be a light turquoise, on other days a cool summer night, where fireflies glowed brightly, above the slightly moist grass, oak trunks and mint leaves, and the cries of the cicadas could be heard from the valley below. Early mornings were ideal for witnessing a vermillion sunrise, yet hear the quiet ambiance of the forest. But my favourite was the lavender afterglows followed by the crimson sunsets, as stormy nights began to set in, and the moon, a mere silhouette behind the darkening clouds, emanating a pale light, shined through oblivion.

I wondered if Darren also had memories remaining of the red haired girl, although I never dared to bring up the past. It was an unspoken rule between us. Sometimes the wistful gaze he gave me when he stared at me, hollowly, made me question this rule. His emerald eyes said it all. Someone existed. Someone that he loved, someone whom he shared a relationship with, and someone who loved him back.

Whenever I returned from one of our picnics in the woods Hannah and Felicity always looked at me worriedly. It seemed that they would scold me harshly because I was risking my own health. On other occasions they would ask to come along with me the next day, but forget the very next morning. Sometimes they would be annoyingly inquisitive and ask what I was really doing. Was I using Darren as an excuse to meet another boy in secret? Soon enough it became the gossip of our dorm, that I had a secret boyfriend and was sneaking out to sleep with him. You sly fox! Hannah playfully bantered. Each time I explained to them what was actually going on, they refused to believe me. In the end I gave up trying and let them think what they wanted.

I felt like there was a huge void in my heart left by that girl. Hollow and indefinitely empty. I had no plans for the future, much less for the present. Wandering alone in the campus at night became my hobby. In this time of my life, the number of friends dwindled. The cinnamon haired girl, the prominent figure of my life had mysteriously disappeared, taking fragments of my memories with her. Elizabeth left in pursuit of business, Finn skipped a grade, moving ahead, and Reina, I had forgotten completely. The only people in Cransfield left that I could call my true friends were Felicity, Hannah and Darren.

A year passed, and our little picnics were greeted by July blizzards. I had gone from 17 to 18, and was in my final year at Cransfield. Our final exam results had returned to us, and our futures were decided by the system. During this time I did not complete a single Health inspection exam. I was surprised when Mr Thompson the old physical education teacher, hair greying, on the verge of retirement, announced that I was exempt from all physical exams. Apparently Darren's complaint was received and considered by our headmaster, Ms Williams.

Because of this I remember the exact date that Hannah disappeared from my world. December 13, 2198, 11:59 pm. And the date of Felicity's disappearance was January 4, 2199. This memory paints such a vivid picture in my mind, because of my endless howls of pain when I realised that just like they had stolen the person that I loved, they had also taken my little sister. The room had been stripped bare of her belongings, there was no evidence that a person called Hannah had ever existed. I can still recall the electric twinkle of Hannah's eyes whenever she talked about a crush of hers, or her excitement flooding them whenever she congratulated us on anything. Whenever I needed to cry, she was the one to lend me a shoulder. If the current reality that I lived was vintage, then it was one step closer to becoming monochrome.

July 28th, 2199, was our last picnic on the waterfall's edge. As usual we made the trek during the late afternoon, and sat eating our dinner in the evening, watching the snow form, and fall down, in thick coats. I became less accustomed to talking, because I didn't have many opportunities to do so. I made no new friends in class, in fact I barely knew anyone at all. I'd accepted the fact that apart from being with Darren, I would be truly alone. This infinite feeling of despair, I wanted to communicate it, to share it with someone. Darren at least should understand me, he was my brother, but I didn't want to ruin our peaceful afternoons with heavy subject matter. It was strange because before, I was one of the most talkative people in our dorm, and blabbered on selfishly to everyone about my personal problems. Perhaps hanging around Darren too much made me catch his bad habits.

I was now the only one in our dorm room, the cramped, narrow space, had suddenly broadened, giving it the illusion of emptiness, and whenever the moon shone into the window, it was rendered in aquamarine. Every time that happened I felt lonelier and lonelier, it was as if the blue was swallowing me, completely numbing my sensations and numbing my body.

Darren spoke first. "Let's stop these stupid games. Let's move on, Layla."

I hesitated before questioning him because I already knew what he was talking about. "What do you mean, Darren?"

He sensed my hesitation and began to elaborate. "We're adults now. Both of us, you two weeks ago and me three days ago. We can't go on living like this. We have to do better. Our final exams came out a day ago, and were both going to have to move on. You're going on to become a public security officer, and I'm going to be a weather engineer. We have so much more to look up for. For one, we can drink alcohol now, have sex, and finally move out from this place. For the past year we haven't been living. Our bodies may have been respiring, moving around but we weren't alive. We subconsciously confining ourselves. To continue living we must move on." He grinned.

Sensing his good intention, I also smiled the widest I have in a long time, but a little sadly. "I can see where your coming from Darren. I'm so glad that you can finally move on. But I can't. I can't shake off the feeling of guilt that I have, the mourning, the sadness of it all. I don't even understand, myself. It's so confusing, all of it, that girl, Hannah, Felicity."

"I know, I know." He assured me warmly. "It' hard, but we have to do it, so we can live on bravely. Move forward. After all 'time waits for no one'."

"Hey Darren." I began again, a great feeling of sorrow arousing in my chest. "As a last request will you hear my story?"

"Of course I will." He replied smiling ever so slightly.

"Alright." I sighed unknowing of where to start. A thousand ideas flashed into my head. Should I tell him about the red haired girl, Hannah, what did I know? I lay down on cold snowy ground. "She was much more than my best friend, but now I've even forgotten her name and face. And there is no proof that she wasn't just a figment of my imagination. But she existed. I loved that girl. I loved her to the core, every part of her, the intelligent part of her that achieved high results, her prideful side, which had no limits to getting in fights and qualms as to how far she would go, but also her kind heart, she would sacrifice her own happiness for her friends. She tried to hide that part of her by acting cool though. When we first met, we fought so much, and got into trouble together. Life is strange, isn't it? We were so close, absolutely inseparable and now I am unsure of whether she ever existed or not. It had only been a year but even my memories had become blurred." I blinked away my tears and put on a brave face, I didn't want to show weakness in front of my younger brother. "She was very special to me. Even though she begged me to never forget her, I broke that promise. In a way I'm a terrible person. I betrayed her. Although I've only lived for 18 years, in those 18 years I've made many, many mistakes, terrible decisions and so many regrets that I have to live with. I'm sick of it all. Mourning endlessly, living in the past. I'm going to move forwards from today onwards." I stood up and screamed as loud as I could, tearing apart the air. "Fuck you." Afterwards I explained to him about Hannah.

In that moment I resolved myself to stop moping in the fictional world of my head and embrace reality. I didn't have the power to change the past. Remaining in this state was not only unhealthy to my own mentality, but also made me a dysfunctional human being to this society.

Darren chuckled pleasantly. "I know that feeling. I've felt it before. The girl, she did exist. I can't remember but I feel something. However, I think that she would be happier if you weren't burdened by this forever. I'm sure that she wants you to move on and live happily."

The striking beauty of his emerald eyes stirred something within my chest. Perhaps it was nostalgia, or something deeper. "Hey Darren, remember the view atop the hill in District 6. We were lying just like this, watching the same sun set and same night fall." I gazed into the everlasting constellations of stars, adoring the navy sky above. They shone with the light of a thousand diamonds. 'But it's not real. No, but it's clear that this sunset, is just a hologram cast by the weather team from inside the dome. So it's obvious that it's fake.' Were your words then. Do you still feel the same way now?"

"So you still remember, even though that was so long ago." He looked amused. "I don't even know myself, but I'm becoming a Weather Engineer, so I'm going to put my entire existence on creating beautiful scenes like this one. I'll be studying every weather pattern and every possible combination of them."

I beamed a little. "When you first said those words 12 years ago, I remember being so angry with you. Why did you question something in front of us? Why did you have to ask such dark questions? Why did you evoke fear in my heart? Those were the thoughts running through my head. I was afraid, I was afraid of being around you, afraid of the questions that crept up my subconscious. It's so ironic now because now you are the most reassuring person I know." I turned my head to face him, so that we could see eye to eye. "Thank you for this wonderful conversation. I can finally move on in peace."

It felt like the world was taken off my shoulders. My body felt so light that I was unsure if it was my own. Relief washed over me. For the first time in years, I fell into a deep sleep, and dreamt not of the red haired girl but rather of my peaceful childhood days. Dancing around the ghost town of District 7, Hannah, Darren were playing kick the can in the midst of derelict buildings, layered with cobwebs and black soot. Dandelions grew scarcely between the small patches of grass. I was filled with a sense of longing to return to those carefree days.

No one could have predicted his death. After all it was so sudden. It wasn't my fault, it wasn't anybody's fault, I kept repeating to myself, until it had become some sort of ominous chant. Reality was sinking in. I screamed and cried endlessly at his lifeless body hanging from a rope in solitude, on the dark lifeless branches of the oak tree, but no reply could be heard. Why would Darren do this? After everything he said yesterday, after all his resolve to continue living. He looked so well, so happy, fully recovered. Not like a man with hollow eyes, not like the corpse wearing the twisted expression in front of me now. What could I have said to prevent this? What could I have done? Nothing. I thought that I understood Darren, could connect to him, but in reality I had no idea what was going on in his head. Indeed I was a terrible sister.

Just like that, at the ripe young age of 18, another piece of my life was once again stolen from me.