Chapter VII

Achievement unlocked: "Christening" for giving a name to an unknown type of creature. Chances of meeting a unique creature +1%

Achievement unlocked: "Beginner demiurge". You created an original quest. Chances of getting a unique assignment +1%

Player' Boyscout Cookie' added you to his Blacklist

My morning run ended near a fallen tree. A large man stepped out of the bushes with a broad ax heaved over his shoulder

'Your money or your life!'

I looked myself over. My clothes were blood-stained and dirty, I was still holding a torn off head by the braid in one hand and a stick in the other.

'Dude! Am I getting this right? You're asking ME for money?'

'Right!'

"Fuck, And I thought I was crazy. Just try and use your brain for a sec: where in the world am I supposed to keep my money? Up my ass?

'In a money bag on a string around your neck.'

I defiantly lifted my shirt.

'Then it's inside the head.'

Feeling like a complete idiot, I toss FreakHead towards the unsuspecting outlaw.

'You are welcome to dig in!'

The bandit unclenched the head's jaw with his knife and continued his search for my money with his fingers. FreakHead's patience ran out pretty quickly. His maw snapped shut. The guy yowled, throwing my pet away. He was now two fingers short. I lounged forward, placed my hand on his face, and whispered 'Submit.'

The bandit's eyes went blank, his scream abruptly ended.

'Take off your clothes, Oh, and don't get any blood on it!'

I finally got a look at the poor forest gangsta.

Gerard, Bandit.

Lvl 42.

HP 1500.

In a minute, the clothes were folded neatly at my victim's feet.

'Take three steps back.'

FreakHead was running in circles around one of the bandit's legs feverishly licking his lips.

'Nothing personal, man! But this is how I level up!'

With these words, I tore a large chunk of meat of his stomach and proceeded to wolf down my meal.

About half an hour later when my agility was increased by two points, the chimera was finishing off the leftovers and I, in turn, was examining my trophies another unfortunate turn of events took place. The air shimmered, and five high-level adventurers (no lower than lvl fifty) stepped out of nowhere. A pair of warriors in complete sets of knight armor, two mage chicks, one in a tight, elegant red dress, the other dressed in green with a staff made of intertwined branches. And last but not least an elf archer.

It's easy to imagine what a sight they teleported to. Freakhead quickly fell dead, and I proclaimed: 'Guys, let us live in peace and understanding!'

The group started to laugh.

'So... Haha, Do you mind telling us what happened here?' asked one of the companions

'Well... Um... There was a Bear', the Lady in red looked over our little picnic spot, finally stopping on the pile bones with tiny bits of meat lying here and there. FreakHead made short work of the other head. 'Several bears...' I'm rewarded with another wave of surprised glances.

'Okay! There were 3 bears! Definitely!'

'And they ate him?'

'Right!'

'And you drove them off?'

'No! The left by their own accord.'

"Oh yeah? And why is that?'

'Well... they've probably had enough.'

'And what about you?'

'Well, I was just walking around...'

'And you ended up here?'

'Yeup, and I found this mess.'

'And were the clothes neatly folded when you found them?'

'Precisely! It was all the Bears'

'What do you mean?'

'Looks like they were a careful bunch, maybe clothes spoil the taste.'

That was the last straw. The group started laughing aloud. All except one of the knights, who was ready to draw his sword any second. The elf was struggling with a giggle but still kept me right in his sights.

'So you walk around and hahaha find stuff, and you're not even armed?'

'Excuse me? I've got a stick right here, see?' I demonstrate my spear-to-be, and again laughter erupts.

'Okay, man! I see you didn't pick your class by accident. I don't see any point in explaining that we were summoned here by the Forum screams of a poor bastard, who was being eaten alive. I won't bother asking how you managed to defeat a player 9 levels higher than you all by yourself. I don't even care why you ate him and how you stuffed 150 pounds of meat, intestines and all that nasty crap inside yourself. I'd just like to ask: Are you aware that there is a special quest generated on you from the Order of Summoners?'

'What's the objective?'

'Killing you. And with every murder, the bounty grows.'

'Oh! I've got a business proposition for you! You've got to bring proof, right? Like an ear! Here! Take it!' And I hand the freaked out Warrior my right ear. 'That actually hurt! So now you have an increased bounty for the next kill! Have another one! It's also the right one!' I still had enhanced regeneration from eating the bandit alive, so I had a new ear in less than a minute. 'And in a sign of my good faith, here's the third! Now we don't have to kill anybody!'

The group just stood there, staring at me and from time to time glancing at three ears in their leader's hand.

'Please tell me you recorded that.'

'Yeah!' All four voices answered in sync.

The Warrior cleared his throat.

'You see, Fidex, the thing is... The quest requires us to bring back your heart and head.'

'Un-Fucking-Believable! You could have mentioned that earlier!'

'Would you have regenerated those back as well?' There was hope in the guy's voice.

'Unfortunately, NO! So what are we going to do?'

'Looks like we're gonna have to kill you. But Hey! You're a funny guy, so we'll just kill you this once, and I promise we won't corner you into the respawn point. If you want, just don't fidget, I'll just take your head off with one clean stroke, it won't even hurt a bit.'

'Guys, can I ask one last question?'

'Go on.'

'Has anyone of you attempted to fuck a bear?', Now everyone was at a complete loss. 'The pleasure is debatable, and you'll suffer from plenty of scares and trembles in the process. It's the same with me...' I sadly lowered my head, and placed my hand on the spear, soaking it with my blood.

'So?' somebody said from the group.

Freakhead and I attacked simultaneously. One leap forward and I'm within striking range. The leader catches my blow with his shield. My spear punches through and hits his arm, the shield explodes into a thousand butterflies, everybody freezes in shock for a split second. I jerk out the spear with an upward blow at the druid's face. She recoils in time, but I left a deep gash on her cheek. Suddenly the skin around it begins to sprout bright orange fur! I miss a sword strike and lose my right hand. I'm twisting like a crazy snake trying to reach the other wizardess. She, in turn, was desperately attempting to fry me with a storm of fire arrows. I was about to punch her teeth in, when a thin film of fire materialized in front of her face. My left arm turns to ash. Meantime Freakhead had his scorpion braid deep in the back of the archer's head. But while I was armlessly retreating, the pyromancer sends a jet of flame towards him and his victim. Another guy kicked my burning pet flying deeper into the forest. FreakHead soared like a meteorite!

I'm stopped in my tracks by tree roots, which burst from the earth and entwined my legs. The leader of the companions was walking toward me.

'I've got a few last words!' I screamed, fighting through the pain.

My opponent produced an ax, stepping closer and closer. Suddenly I remembered my new incantations, activate the "signatures" and cast 3 strokes with all the remaining mana.

The leader falls limp, face first just a few feet away from me.

'Wow!' muttered the druid, who seemed to be struggling with the fur I gave her with no avail. A beam of yellow light beamed from her palm, and the warrior began pulling himself to his feet, cursing through his teeth. I'm gonna die now...

'I wish to say a word!'

'Would you shut up and die with so...' The whole party froze on their respected places their eyes rolling around in shock.

'Do you choose to claim your wish, mortal?'

'Hell yeah!'

'What is thy bidding?'

'Can you make these guys and gals die?'

'That can be arranged. How do you wish them to be slaughtered?'

'People! Which musical instruments do you like? Can you like, unfreeze their heads or something? If so just nod.'

'Unfreeze!' everyone nodded, staring at me in awe.

'Name your favorite musical instruments? Let them speak!'

'Speak!'

'Guitar...'

'Violin...'

'Piano...'

'I kinda like the synthesizer...'

'Are you recording this?' I asked the gang leader. He nodded again. 'Good! Now here's the plan! I want them all killed by their favorite musical instruments! The leader dies last! And don't give me those looks! I've had a rough day! And I myself am surprised as fuck by the idea! So we're just gonna roll with it!'

There was a loud whistle, like from a cannonball. Three objects fell from the skies, ripping two mage-girls and a warrior to shreds. I wasn't able to see who was killed by what: the instruments of Death fell too fast. And finally, the leader was smashed by the piano.

'Your wish has been granted!'

I am such a dumbass! How was I planning to loot these piles of meat and bones!? And that fucking piano wasn't making things any easier. A badly scorched Freakhead came crawling from the woods and ended up wolfing down something that I think used to be one of the Mage-girls. Well, Looting time!

Maaaaan! This isn't fair! From four piles of meat, I gathered a couple of ladies' hand gloves, a set of scapulars, and 20-something different coins. Where the hell is everything else!? Utterly disappointed I donned the bandit's pants, boots, and jacket. I discarded the shirt and underwear because I was feeling kind of squeamish. The clothes fit, even though the bandit was twice my size. I took another look around and found an interesting object.

Piano String! A Legendary Object! Ignores armor!

That's it... Okay. Hey! Another level up! And an achievement!

You have completed the 'Titan Slayer' assignment! As a reward, you receive the object you need the most! Enjoy your game!

A black cape fell on my head from the sky. I examined the characteristics:

Cape of a Mysterious Stranger. Hides your name, class and HP level.

Now, this is more like it! So to summarize, I'm wearing a leather jacket, with wide copper buttons. Trousers of the same material, with metal plating along my thighs, цorn high boots with flaps on the back, a wide belt with many pockets and compartments, a couple of shitty knives: two hidden in the boots, one in the belt and another in a small pocket near my back. Judging by the amount of garbage in the last one, the owner wasn't even aware of its existence. My unsightly spear which proved to be most effective in hand. The new cape draped across my shoulders and fastened around the neck. The hand made shirt-bag with FreakHead inside on my back. The string lay hidden in my right sleeve. I could see a village emerging in the distance.