Inner Feelings

Vihaan's P.O.V

This silly girl in my arms doesn't weigh that much. I may have told her that this is the quickest method to hurry and show my face to the warden outside but it was the second-best reason. The first will always be her well being. I am the one who has never tried to initiate a touch of any sorts, hell I'm not the one to worry about people easily then why am I carrying this injured fiery little bird? I trust my instincts and maybe that's why I ended up in this situation. At last, she has stopped struggling. The unique fragrance which always surrounds her is stronger. I cannot pinpoint it but it suits her. She has told me that her room is at the end of the hallway, the second last one.

When we reach her room I let her stand on her feet. Maintaining a firm grip while she unlocked the door. She stepped in and turned to face me.

"Go hurry, otherwise you would get into trouble."

"Yeah, I'm going. You, on the other hand, don't move a lot today. The sprain would heal in a few hours."

"Yes. Now, bye." She shut her door.

"Huh?" Was my reaction. Was she angry? Why was she angry? Anyway, I'll check on her later. I rush towards the entrance, I saw the warden was in the midway.

"Ma'am, I'm here as promised."

"Good, is she alright?" She asked.

"Yes, I hope so. Thanks for this but now I should take my leave." I said.

"Yes, yes," she said and I walked away.

I felt her stare on my back but I can feel it didn't contain any sort of malice.

**********

I regret it. I regret slamming the door on his face but what to do? I was so nervous and embarrassed. I couldn't let him see me in this state. I am sure even now my cheeks are bright pink and heartbeat loud enough to hear. Crap! I couldn't even look into his eyes anymore. Is his EQ that low that he doesn't know what is happening to me? I was so near that I can still feel his clean and attractive scent. Now that I think, his apartment smells like this too. I dislike strong smells but this one was suited for my taste. All I  could do now is to pull my hair out in frustration. He was so confused as to why I slammed the door shut. I stumbled on my bed and laid down in a comfortable position. I tried to wash off all the memories of today. The sun is going down, ready to shine somewhere else. This little crush of mine is alright until he returns the feelings. And I don't think it would be possible so that's okay. Maybe I am the first girl in the world who doesn't want her crush to share the same feelings as her.

As I kept mulling over something surrounded me. Guilt. I felt guilty about having lost my mind and allow my feelings and emotions to get the best of me. I feel guilty of not upholding my promises to myself. I feel guilty of not....picking...up...that last call.

Soon enough hot tears rolled down my cheeks. I dread missed calls the most. My parents know it very well so they try not to call me if I don't pick on the first ring until it's too important. Each time I see more than 3 missed calls, my heart still beats erratically.

Despite people telling me it wasn't my fault, I couldn't be completely alright after the incident. It wasn't that easy. They couldn't fathom how deep it has imbibed into my mind, heart and soul. Yes, maybe I have heavy mood swings but I try to be as normal as possible. Normal. What a dubious word, yet no one ponders over it. No matter how comfortable you are or you like something, if it isn't 'normal' by society's standards then I'm sorry, you are not normal. You are weird. And I gladly accept to be crazy or weird.

I still remember those days when I attended therapies. This led to mass avoiding moment directed at me in school. They earlier deemed me as insane and murderer but now at least they don't bully me. After the news of my near-rape incident spread like wildfire everybody alienated themselves from me. I was alright after the incident, I have accepted the past, I have decided to change for better and get past those nightmares and trifles so why the hell the people around me treated me as if I was dirty? Was it my fault, it happened? To stop the tears was fruitless, they are going to escape one way or the other so i leave them to be.

After becoming an empty shell, I distracted my mind by stressing over my studies and learnt Martial arts. The walls around me are too strong. Nobody could invade my space until they get my permission. But somehow a person got into without my permission. Not by breaking down the walls or jumping inside but by digging a tunnel, slowly creeping in. And the surprising fact was that he is equally shocked to find me there. Since then he is trying to figure out the reason why I trapped myself here and I didn't realise somehow I gave him permission to come and go at his will.

Yes, yes I'm insane. I'm going to sleep now. There is no use thinking all these. All the bad phases have already passed. I haven't shared these dark things with him but I think he could understand me. He didn't react in the same way as others in my school did. I don't know how this will result in but for once I don't want to care about the end results.

I woke an hour later. I feel better and I think my ankle is good too. Avika isn't here. I called her.

"Hey, done with practice?"

"Yeah, Manya I'll be there in five." She said.

"Okay." And I hung up.

Realizing my now bruised elbows I applied some aloe-vera gel to soothe out and not to leave the scars behind. I contemplated whether to call him or not. When I glance at the call history I saw he has been calling me most of the time. So I decided to just do it.

He picked up at 4 rings.

"Hello." He said.

"Hello, reached back?" I asked.

"Yeah, how are feeling? Your voice is a bit hoarse." He said.

"Yeah, a little bit. What are you doing?"

"Nothing. I was going to cook."

"Pft. Good what's on the menu today?" I asked.

"That's the reason why I was dreading to tell you the real reason. Nothing much. I'm making Poha by watching YouTube."

"Okay, okay. That's nice. It one of my favourite. Well, there isn't much I don't eat actually."

"Yeah, I know. You are a foodie."

"Yeah yeah."

I heard the footsteps down the hall. Avika must be coming.

"Now go and cook. Bon appetite. And goodnight." I said.

"Hmm, goodnight. Enjoy your food too." He said. And I could hear him smirking

"Haha very funny."  And I hung up.

Avika entered right at cue. She looked tired.

"Tell me what did you two talked today?" I asked first.

"I could ask you the same." She said.

"I asked first."

"Nothing much. As you said, we would date." She said.

"So you are officially taken." I said.

"Manya! Forget it. Now tell me what are we wearing at the concert?" She asked.

"Does it matter?" I said. I'm not interested in playing dress-up.

"Of course. We should. It will be like a party. Come on. We would wear the same outfits just a different colour." She seemed excited.

"Okay, I'm ready. Just see what's similar in our closet." I said.

"Yes." She squealed.

"You still have the energy to do all this now. If yes then sit and study with me. We would do this later." I said.

"Such a buzzkill." She commented.

I dragged her to our conjoint tables where we had a long night spent in studying.

A day well went is the day to remember. I will surely remember this day in future.