Devious Licks

Late one stormy night in Chicago Iris was awoken by the small vibrations of her phone. She thought at first it was Amelie, for they had been texting of late, so she rolled over and checked it.

(Eva) "you up?"

(Iris) "am now"

(Eva) "wanna go out?"

To Iris's sleep-addled brain, she began to analyze what a relationship with Eva might be like. She rarely entertained these thoughts about her friends, but... well, she supposed Eva was pretty physically attractive. That was one barrier down. Plus, Iris had always thought what it might be like to date another butch: she felt they were often undervalued compared to femmes and that not as many lesbians wanted them.

But why would she ask her out now? That was the overarching question that hung from Iris's mind. Had Eva developed a crush on her that only with exhaustion's lowering of inhibition could be expelled? This was not entirely irrational, as Iris had already fostered a few offers from Urasaria's other women. Never, however, had she taken them up on it. She was not sure she should get in to another so soon after what had occurred with Amelie, memories that still saddened her with the refinement of remembrance.

Then the wires in her idiot brain uncrossed and she realized what Eva was asking.

(Iris) "i guess i could eat"

(Eva) "meet me in the lobby >:)"

With some tiredness, Iris went down to the lobby. Eva was there in her car. By Eva was there in her car, it is meant:

'"How the fuck did you fit that through the doors?"

"De-amped some oil and amped it into the car. Squeezed right through." Eva pat the driverside seat. "C'mon, let's go."

Kairos scanned the driverside seat and Iris recognized that its state had changed two minutes ago; Eva had not de-amped the oil out of it, meaning if Iris sat down she would slip out and fall on her ass. Groggily, Iris sauntered over, closed her eyes as she pressed the seat, then blasted Eva into the wall across the lobby and heard a scream of "YOU MOTHERF-" before the wall repaired itself and dulled sound.

"Dumb bitch." murmured Iris, relevantly. She reverted the seat to normal and sat in it, then waited a minute for Eva to return.

"Oh, I'm getting you back for that."

"Seems to me I made it even."

"Oh, you just wait. I've got all kinds of Maestro tricks to think of with you." Eva slid inside beside Iris. "Hey, you ever wonder at what level of attractiveness a kiss starts becoming a gift and not a threat?"

"Who the fuck starts a conversation like that?"

Eva made a kissy-face. "I've been having civilian ladies offering me kisses and I don't know who told them that was okay."

"Saving a lot of lesbians out there?"

"No."

Iris realized what she meant, then shuddered.

"They tell me I'm the hottest male student they've ever met."

"So you're the healthiest patient in a cancer ward."

"Hey, you know what they say: butches don't look like men, men wish they looked like butches."

Iris nodded, then let her head sink onto the wheel. She glanced up from the dashboard.

"Just decay and drive out." said Eva.

"...no, just thinking about something." Iris shook her head, decayed an exit out and repaired it as they reached the street. "God, I embarrassed myself with Emilia a week ago. Doubt I made them uncomfortable, but..."

"Oh boy. What did you do?"

"I lost my left arm in a fight. I went up to the infirmary by myself to get my amputation healed. Emilia was there, and they had me lay down on a bed while they called Serena..."

Emilia came back over. "Serena says she vill be hier shortly. How long ago did you lose your arm?"

"Just ten minutes. Is Hirogane not in?"

"Yes, but he is taking samples from another student." Emilia smiled. "Now, I know you usually have quite the appetite. Would you like something to eat after?"

"Only if you wouldn't mind doing a house call to my room."

Emilia blushed. "...Ms. Kronos. Remember that you are a student."

"...but they did smile at me as I was leaving." said Iris.

"Damn, bro." said Eva. "Well, I guess they did give you that unfinished patch. They're cute. But you know you shouldn't be hitting on somebody who can't reject you."

"I know." Iris sighed. "God, that was foolish. I just felt that compulsion to flirt detached from possibility."

"Well, shit, dude. There's a difference between controlling your sexuality and exerting it, right? You listen to yourself too much sometimes. Try not listening to yourself."

Iris knew Eva was talking not only of Iris's tendencies to Iris, but to introspect; she could avoid the vulnerability that extension into others brought by constantly turning inward to self-examination, and promising that she might be better in the future, so long as she never defined what or when that was. And perhaps even her draw to Eva was indicative of this tendency; if she had a friend that would make calls on her humanity then she could convince herself she had done so herself.

But Eva was also one of the few other butches she knew, so it was no surprise they gravitated towards each other. Like Iris, Eva had been repulsed by makeup as a little girl; like Natasha she felt disgusted whenever she had been forced to wear dresses. However subtly, Iris felt a loosening of herself around Eva that she had not had even around Amelie; there she would not be misinterpreted or be expected in a role that had become repetitive to occupy.

"I didn't know you sang, by the way." said Iris. "You mind telling me where the fuck we're going?" She stopped at a red light: likely the first time in history any student had done so. She noticed the driver of the car beside them trying to get her attention and peeled her window down. "Hi?"

"Hey, you two boys students? With Urasaria?"

Eva smiled over Iris's shoulder. "Who's asking?"

"Just asking."

"Ask this, bitch!" shouted Iris, and in the next instant an obsidian wall burst up ahead of his car; his car accelerated at 10,000mph into it and the crash crushed it & him into a paste of bones & gore & metal & a still-beating heart.

"Dumb fuck." laughed Eva, getting out to scan with Violet's tablet. She sat back down beside Iris. "Look at this shit."

[GLANCING CORRUPTION: A trio of undulating tentacles that can sprout from the host's arms. Between the months of October and December in the Gregorian calendar, these tentacles can spew acid, unless the host either has a) brown hair or b) is of European descent and is under 5'9" (175.26cm), in which case the middle tentacle will spew black ooze. During daytime hours of 09:00-22:00, this black ooze tentacle (hereafter referred to as "Ooze Variant #26") can cause a glancing infection in male (defined here (although by no means should be taken as a general prescription, merely specific to this Revenant) by presence of testosterone levels >400ng/dl: note that given rising microplastic usage this will exclude at least half of American men by 2040) hosts (defined by the presence of precisely 1 Viscera exspirivat colo

Then it went on for 10 more paragraphs.

"You need a fucking flowchart to understand this." said Eva.

Iris checked over it for any post-death bullshit, was pretty sure she found none, then nodded as she began driving again. She soon received a call: it was from Olivia. "Hello?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm out with Eva, yeah. We're fine."

"Oh, is she out too? Violet didn't mention that. Well, okay. Just make sure you leave a note next time, okay? I was worried."

Iris felt a little guilty. "Alright. Bye." She hung up.

"Little motherly, isn't she?" said Eva.

"Somehow I get the feeling you're thinking about that in a far less innocent context than I am."

"Nothing I think about that woman could be called innocent."

That was precisely why she would never get what she wanted from Olivia, Iris thought. "Let's just go back to your singing. I didn't even know you had perfect pitch."

"Oh, that little number?" Eva winked. "Yeah. What'd you think of his new song?"

Iris shrugged. "I try not to judge people's tastes."

"But he makes it so easy."

"His success is what's paying us, so what the hell, right? What do you think?"

"Well, he's been giving me advice since he found out I'm a musician, too. He says that I lack the ability to penetrate the negative capability of things. He says that you have to feel through your art, and that my songs are too sterile. Hey, you've listened to his songs. Don't you think they're overly sentimental?"

"Bordering on maudlin."

"Right. I'm sure he finds his own emotions pretty deep, but to an objective listener, it's just maudlin. Me, music's about communication. I'd rather hit intelligence first and emotion second."

"What do you think of his singing?"

"Oh, he's not a bad singer. That's my best trait with music: I can tell pitch and I don't need tuning." she said.

The two spent some time pranking civilians together; Iris would pass in front of them and suddenly hyper-accelerate the car, Eva would use Maestro to take (or de-amp) from their steering wheel the property of honking when pressed and place (or amp) it into their brake pedal, suddenly reverting other cars or simply decaying their car so their asses landed hard in the asphalt. At around the time they started considering how to best fake a gas station explosion and revert it seconds before police showed up, both decided it was best to stop for the night. The oddity of their friendship was that they were often competitive about things neither normally cared about.

Afterwards they went out to Waffle House, a favored diner for students due to their 75% discount (on the assumption that if it were not discounted then students would simply threaten for meals). Eva ate through half of her burger, then suddenly leaned over to Iris. "Hey, I wanted to tell you something. You know how you and Olivia were sleeping together earlier? When you two were tired after the concert and his chauffeur drove us?"

"We aren't sleeping t-... oh, you mean... No. How were we sleeping?"

"Let me put it this way: it looked like you two were sleeping together the other way. You had your head on her shoulder, her hand on your's, all that."

Iris frowned. "She didn't notice, did she?"

"You woke up before her. Think she did?"

"I- no, I don't think so... she didn't mention anything, I..."

"Why you so nervous? Trying to test before you drive?"

"I just don't view her in that way."

"You sure?"

"I don't. She's my friend."

"Hey, even if she is your friend, that doesn't mean anything. Many lesbian couples started off as no strings attached, just friends, you know."

"Yeah, no strings attached but I'll carve my name in your wrist if you ever look at anyone else."

"Exactly. Olivia seems like a sweet woman. No clue how she is personality-wise, but she's got looks... and a lot of experience. You know, if I was given the opportunity, I'd..." Iris glared at her. "Okay, okay. But unless she *was* that type of basket case, in which case, you'd already be dating her."

"Is that a subtle jab at Amelie?"

"It is. You know, she left a lot to be desired. Sorry, bro, but it's true."

"Amelie was great. Amelie is great."

"Amelie is a lunatic."

"Oh, why? Because she isn't boring?"

"Iris."

"When she was on..."

"When she was on, she was on. I understand that. But lemme ask you: why'd you break up with her?"

Iris rubbed the back of her neck. "I don't know. But that was a selfish, stupid decision. I'm still regretting that and I haven't been sure how to divorce myself from the possibility of that return. God, if she ever dates anyone else, that'll sadden me."

"When, Iris, when. But shit, why? The way you talk about her, you sound broken. Like you idealize her. You worshipped her."

"I don't necessarily deny that."

"And yet if you went back to her, you would be telling me that you felt tricked into it. You tell me that you don't want to be alone and yet you don't want to be close with anyone."

"I just feel it's better if I could just find a middling amount of aloneness."

Before she went back to sleep that morning, Iris would think over what Eva said, and tried to meditate on the thought of her & Olivia together. She could not. Olivia was a beautiful woman, yet something about her personality disinterested her beyond friendship. Olivia had cared and sympathized with Iris, yet not ironically, it was this which made Iris disinterested in Olivia.

As sleep's affliction came upon Iris and she laid in their hotel room, and the rhythmic images from other rooms of those still awake, she began to imagine how Eva must have seen her, as some Dr. Frankenstein figure. There lay an unconscious woman on her operating table, and a hunchback Natasha was assisting Iris.

(It should be noted here that Natasha was already nearly a hunchback from pure muscularity and horrific lifting form; by having always rounded her back, she could've taken a nuclear bomb to her spinal erectors and emerge unharmed.)

"Dr. Iris, what's the meaning of this?" said Natasha.

Iris was running around pulling random levers and switches. "Natasha, I finally took Eva's advice about my romantic life. I've had the wrong standards all along and that's why I haven't been able to find lasting love. But I realized something, I'm a host, I can do anything I want, and so I decided to become a surgeon."

"You chose medical school over therapy?" Natasha examined her degrees hanging on the wall. "'University of Translyvania'?"

"I met this woman the other day, a complete rolodex of personality disorders, and I was just instantly smitten with her. A nasty, neurotic animal who makes me ashamed of my own attraction to her. Isn't she great? But then I met another woman, and she's mature, warm and intelligent, but I just couldn't connect with her, don't ask me why! But I realized that I could swap their brains and create this beautiful, mature, intelligent woman here, and put all of that rottenness into the other one."

Iris flipped the switch and the transfer took place as bolts of lightning struck the monolith affixed at the top of the lab. The woman opened her eyes. Iris swept off her labcoat, leaned down, then went off to marry the other one.