Rotten Lemon

"That's what I thought too. I thought I was okay. But I guess that's not the case."

I was talking more to myself than to him.

I felt so defeated.

It's been almost a year since it happened.

But no matter how much time passed, I still find myself stuck inside that same old coffin.

Helpless.

Hopeless.

'Is there really no end to this until I die?'

I found that thought to be really funny because despite everything that has happened to me, not once did I wish to end my life.

Despite being in the threshold of death a couple of times, not once did I think of giving up.

I wanted to laugh but the sound that came out of my lips were sobs.

'Crying again?!'

"Ssshhhh. You'll be fine. You'll be fine." He whispered against the top of my head and I felt his lips touch my hair as he did.

Usually after safely getting over an episode, it would still take some time and quite a struggle to completely get rid of the remaining emotions that engulfed me during the attack.

That single movement completely snapped me back to reality. And never have I been pulled out of that swamp of turmoil this fast before. So just imagine how surprised I was when awareness came to me like a lightning bolt.

'How the hell did that happen?'

But before I could even come up with an answer, another problem came up.

My entire face was on fire!

Embarrassment was finally able to sink in as soon as the other pesky emotions were out of the way. The things that I just did came flashing in my head as if in slow motion. Another thing that I hate about myself: I always remember every single thing without fail, when it would have been so much better to not remember anything at all.

Not to mention, being in a very intimate position with him didn't help in calming myself down. In fact, it made it even worse because as much as I'd hate to admit it; this was the first time that I've been this close to anyone aside from my family.

So, judging by how feverish my face was, I decided that now was not the right time to move away.

Unless I wanted to make a complete fool of myself. Again.

Instead, I forced my head to focus on the matter at hand and did my best to keep those illicit thoughts at bay.

.

.

.

Did I seriously just refer to them as illicit thoughts?

"Damn it." I accidentally muttered which didn't escape his ears.

He caressed the back of my head, probably in an attempt to comfort me and stop me from talking, completely oblivious of what was going on in my head. "Stop tormenting yourself. You don't have to tell me anymore, really."

'Ha... Ha... Ha...'

I felt sorry for him and grateful at the same time because I could tell that he's really doing his best to bear with my antics. "You say that now?"

I took a few deep breaths and actually felt my blood-rush starting to calm down as I focused my thoughts on the things that I still have left to tell him. Then I waited until I was sure that it was safe to show my face before carefully pulling away. 'Where was I?'

I remembered and my smile went sour. "The kids who did that to me got kicked out from the company and I never got the chance to confront them, as much as I wanted to, because I was in a coma for two whole weeks and they disappeared during that time. Left no trace at all."

I felt a tingling sensation in my chest when I saw him stiffen and his expression became hard. "I can't believe that they just got away like that after what they did. Didn't that make you angry?"

I never liked showing my weakness to anyone...

But having someone get upset on my behalf sure felt nice.

"I was enraged." I told him, but even that word was an understatement for what I felt back then. "I hated losing to anyone, you see. That's just how I was. So after finding out that one of them even managed to make a debut in the industry just 2 months after that incident, I decided to get revenge. Big dreams for a fifteen year old, I know. But I was filled with vengeance and each passing day, I became more and more determined to crush all of them in their own game. Because I knew that I was capable of doing it."

I took a deep large breath, because I didn't want unwanted emotions to come back and take over me. "But alas! When it rains, it pours. Last Summer, I was scouted to audition for a major role in a movie. It felt like the heavens were on my side. I was ecstatic. And it was too late when I discovered that the lemon that life threw at me... was rotten."

He slowly let go of my shoulder too but his eyes still bore on me. "What do you mean?"

"The role was for the younger version of the female lead. She was supposedly murdered at a very young age and then turned into a vampire. I was so invested in the character and felt a deep connection with her because we were both after the same thing... Revenge." I wiped the tears from my face and sniffed for the last time. Hopefully. "But then I never got past the first stage of transformation. Never had the chance to turn into a stunning vampire. It was a real bummer, seriously."

"What-?"

"What happened?" I flashed him a grin then proudly held up a thumb and snorted. "I stopped breathing... For real."

His frown grew deeper with confusion which did no damage at all to his usually calm and pretty face. But it made me question his brain's processing speed. Sure, he belonged to the Handsome & Intelligent League, but I guess when it came to non-academic stuffs... he's surprisingly slow.

'Do I really have to spell out every single thing?'

"I literally stopped breathing..."

I waited then observed the change in his facial expression to make sure that I was able to get the point across before I dropped the real bomb.

"... Just because they asked me to play dead."

The way he blinked his eyes, shook his head and then stared back at me with his lips slightly parted, made me want to laugh but I held myself back. He looked like a confused puppy.

"What do you mean?" He looked really puzzled. "They told you to play dead and you actually stopped breathing?"

I smiled because, with the tone of his voice, I could almost hear him asking if I was insane. Which was a perfectly understandable reaction. I'd be more surprised if that thought never crossed his mind. "I blacked out. At first, they thought it was part of the act but I didn't respond no matter what they did. One of the staff checked and realized that I wasn't breathing. She quickly gave me CPR and I was rushed to the hospital. My doctor was astounded because it hasn't even been a year since he last saw me. He said that if they had brought me even just a minute later, I would have been brain dead for the rest of my life."

He was silent again for a long time. "What was wrong with you?"

"You know how the doctor explains to you his diagnosis and tells you how to take your medicine properly? Thenhetalksnonstopandusestermsthatyou'veneverheardbeforeAndsinceyou'reafraidtointerrupthimyoujustnodandnodevenifyoudidn'tunderstandadamnthing." I moved my eyebrows up and down with a grin. He nodded, in a daze. And that made me laugh hard. "That's exactly what I just did. But from the little that I understood, I've had this condition since I was a kid but it wasn't that bad until I got traumatized by what happened that Winter. He said that it was practically a miracle that I even woke up back then. My brain started going into an overdrive since then and I completely lose my reins to reality."

He looked dumbfounded. "Overdrive?"

"How do I explain this..." The corner of my lips twitched. "It's like going into the 'zone'. I completely block out everything and focus only on whatever it is that my head wanted to achieve. In my case, that would be 'Replay'. Take what happened earlier for example. I tried to recall what happened in the past which is normally no big deal, but because it was such a traumatic memory, my brain got overexcited and 'replayed' that moment. And when it did, my body experienced every single sensation and emotion that I felt at that time as if it was happening all over again. It's almost impossible to get out of that trance."

"Then how did I get you out?" His eyes were wide and filled with wonder.

I copied the same look on his face then grinned. "I should be asking you. Only one person was capable of doing that and she's peacefully sleeping right now."

It took a second before he actually turned around to look at his aunt's door. "Auntie?"

I nodded.

"Is that why she's your therapist?"

I shook my head. "No. Even she could not do it before."

He leaned over that he was practically in my face, but the expression on his face was that of a curious child that I could not bring myself to complain even if it made me feel like an animal in the zoo. "Then what about that audition? Is it because you recalled that event? Is that also why you passed out then?"

I shook my head again. "I've always been good at getting into the character as soon as the act starts but what I didn't know was that my condition could take that act to the next level. As soon as I went up the stage, I found myself no longer acting out the character's emotions. There was no need to. Her pain, her grief and her fury felt like they have been carved deep in my chest and itching to explode. I became one with her. No. I am her. And the script was my life."

He put an arm up on the back of the sofa and rested his chin on the back of his hand while looking at me with intrigue. "That really does sound like being in the zone. But isn't that a good thing? I'd bet a lot of actors would pay to possess that skill."

"I'd be very happy to sell it." I leaned on my side and put my head on the back of the couch. "The thing is, after that incident, this 'zone' became like an inescapable abyss. I can't pull myself out of it once I'm completely in it. And the most troublesome part is when the script dictates anything pertaining to any form of sensations. My brain would feel obligated to make me experience the exact same thing that's happening in the script: pain, hunger, exhaustion...just name it."

He was trying his best to wrap his head around what I was saying. Then it finally struck him. "That means in the audition--"

"Death." I smiled weakly. "Playing dead is a really life-threatening game for me."