Progress to Regress

"Zee?"

"Zee?"

"Zee!"

Blinking a couple of times, I focused my attention on Teacher Kimmy. "Huh?"

"What's wrong?" She frowned as she handed me a bottle of water.

I absent-mindedly took it from her and placed it on the table beside me which made her shake her head in disapproval. Then I said again, while breathing heavily. "Huh?"

"Fine, let's call it a day. I think you're really drained already. But you did pretty well in holding out on that last scene." She squatted down on the wooden floor of the practice room, so I did the same. "I'll give you a perfect score today. But… I don't know if it's because you're really getting better at staying out of the danger zone or if it's because you're completely out of focus. Be honest with me, your mind is wandering elsewhere, isn't it? That's why you never fell into the zone the entire day?"

"What are you talking about, Teacher Kimmy? You shouldn't be jinxing me like that!" I reprimanded her. 'Shouldn't she be happy that I didn't get in trouble at all today?'

"Is it because of your friend?" She gave me a skeptical look.

"Friend?" I asked then realized who she was talking about. "Katherine? What about Katherine?"

She smiled. "I don't know. Why don't you tell me?"

'My head is aching! Why is she playing Guess What now?'

"Tell you what?"

"How do you feel right now?"

I didn't have to pause and think of the answer. "Exhausted."

She chuckled. "What else?"

"What else?" I tried hard to think about what else I should be feeling at the moment. I fanned myself to catch my breath. "Stuffy?"

When she just looked at me, I continued nervously. "Worried?"

"Troubled."

"Anxious."

The list of synonyms would have gone on if she had not interrupted me. "Jealous?"

"Eh?!" I turned to her so quickly that a sharp pain shot through my neck. "Ah!"

I grabbed the side of my neck and Teacher Kimmy was immediately beside me massaging my shoulder and neck. "Aihoo~ This kid. Get some exercise, will you? Even an aged kimchi looks sturdier than you."

"Wah! Isn't that being too much?" I followed her with my eyes as she stood up to get her bag. 'How could she compare me to a wrinkly cabbage?'

She sat back down in front of me and gave me a chocolate. "Here, this is your prize."

"You're serious?! You're not teasing me, are you?!"

She nodded and my eyes twinkled as I gladly accepted it. "Thank you so---But it's already melted..."

"Just eat." She ruffled my hair and I complied gladly. It's been so long since I had chocolates. I've been having insomnia lately so Dr. Reynaldi told me to stay away from sweets so that I could sleep better at night.

"Zee?"

"Hm?" The taste of dark chocolate exploded in my mouth and it was just pure bliss.

"Do you like my nephew?"

*cough*

Until then, I never thought that it's possible to choke on melted chocolate.

*cough* *cough* *cough*

"Eh?!"

"Eh?!" She copied me mockingly and laughed.

I took the bottle from the table and helped myself. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm asking you if you like Craige." She might as well have given me an uppercut.

'Is this me liking you?' His voice reverberated in my head and I was brought back to that day in that train cabin last summer.

He held my hand as I stared back at those silver rings in his eyes. For the past years, I've gone through over a hundred scripts: Romance, Drama, Comedy, Suspense, Horror and Thriller. I've played so many roles and experienced so many lives. I've felt every single emotion that any human could ever experience. I've memorized all of them and engraved them both in my mind and body.

For me to remember.

For me to forget.

But those eyes sucked me in and made me wish to experience all of those emotions outside of the script.

They made me want.

They made me hope.

And I freaked out.

"Cut!"

I took in a sharp breath and raised my head to look at Teacher Kimmy. She was looking at me weirdly. "Zee? Seriously, what's going on?"

"What?" I asked her, confused.

She pulled me up and made me sit on the chair. "We've gone through an entire script today and not once did you fail from keeping yourself out of that zone. I thought it's because you were getting better."

"I am." I wiped the sweat from my neck.

"No. You're not." She flatly told me with a concerned look on her face.

"Just a few minutes ago you told me I was doing great. And now you take it back?" I asked her and took another sip of water. "Is your AC broken? Why is it suddenly so hot in here? Why am I sweating too much?"

"You're not just sweating, Zee. You're crying." Her words stunned me and I slowly turned to her. Then she asked, "Where were you just now?"

'Did I just have an episode? Of that day?! Why?!'

I touched my face and for sure it was wet. But whether it's from sweat or tears, I could not tell. "What do you mean by where was I? I've been sitting here with you for the past 10 minutes."

She shook her head, "You've zoned out for thirty whole minutes. I was observing you and waited for you to try coming back on your own because it didn't seem to be a dangerous 'replay'. But then you started crying so I pulled you out. What happened? Where were you? What was on replay?"

"Thirty minutes???" I opened my mouth and closed it again when I realized that if I really did have an episode, I could never tell her where I've been. There's no way I'm telling her that I just had a 'replay' of that strange incident between Craige and I. That would be totally embarrassing. "I-I don't remember."

She frowned. "You don't remember? How come? Is this the first time this happened?"

"I t-think so."

She studied me for a long time. "I'll talk to Dr. Reynaldi about this and set you up for an appointment with him tomorrow."

"Okay."

She got up from her seat. "Let's go."

"Where?"

"Let's pick up your friends." She looked at her watch. "They're probably starving now."

'Do we have to pick them up now? I don't think I can face that guy after this… This is just so embarrassing!'

And so we went to fetch Craige and Katherine from the studio. The staff were in the middle of packing up when we got there and both of them were in the dressing room to change out of their outfits. That was when Joey, the photographer, came running towards us when he saw me.

"Baby girl!!!" He pulled me in a tight hug. "I missed you!"

I tapped his back. "J-joey...I...can't…"

He quickly let go of me. "Sorry. Sorry. I was just so happy to see you! How could you not show your face here for a long time?! I've been begging Baby Craige to drag you here!"

"Haha." I laughed awkwardly. 'Is that what's going on?'

"The friend that you introduced to me was fabulous! I love her! Can you convince her to model for me again next time? She and Craige looked really great together in the photos!" His eyes were sparkling.

A sharp pang hit my chest that made me slightly waver for a second. I shook it off and smiled at Joey. "I'll see what I can do. But I can't promise anything. Katherine's planning to go to MedSchool, so she's really busy with studying. She only agreed to this because I went down on my knees."

"If she can't make it, then you'll have to do it yourself. I've been itching to put you behind my lenses for ages now. When will you grant this old coot's wishes, hm?" He winked at me which sent shivers down my spine. Since that day that Teacher Kimmy invited him to have dinner with us two months ago, he's been badgering me to try modeling with Craige. He said that there's a project that he's been putting off for too long because he could not find anyone to pair up with Craige. Joey's the same age as Teacher Kimmy so he really wasn't that old. But still, it's really hard to keep saying no to him.

"Zee!"

I was blown away when I saw Katherine with her makeup still on, running towards us. She's wearing her favorite beige long coat on top of a black turtleneck dress. She looked really gorgeous. And I've never seen her dolled up like this except for that time when she joined the pageant.

"Do I look okay?" She asked me while flipping her hair haughtily.

I grinned and raised my thumbs up. "I don't stand a chance."

She laughed. "Hahahaha! This is really tiring but it's fun. Let's do this together next time. Joey said that he's been begging you to try it out but you kept turning him down."

"Tell her Baby Kath!" Joey whined.

I looked at Joey suspiciously then back at Katherine. "Kath, you're supposed to take my side in times like these. But you look really great. I think you're meant to do this!"

"You think so?" She laughed and slapped my shoulder. Then pulled my sleeve and whispered in a low and serious tone. "Are you crazy? This won't make me rich."

She backed away and we both started laughing while exchanging meaningful glances. Then Craige arrived and completely put a halt to my fake laughter. He looked at me and I looked away, only to meet Katherine's curious stare.

Later that night, while we were both lying on the bed in the guest room, Katherine turned to me and poked my shoulder. I shifted my position and turned to her too. "What is it?"

It was weird but I was not that surprised when she suddenly asked me with a straight face and without preamble. "You like him don't you?"

I froze for a few seconds, trying to check if an attack was about to happen. But when I felt that it was safe, I answered Katherine truthfully. "I think so."

But instead of the expected surprised reaction, she just nodded as if she already anticipated my answer. "I see."

Not to mention that her unhappiness towards my answer was evident on her face that it didn't fail to pique my curiosity. "What is it?"

She smiled. "Nothing. I just don't like the guy that much. He seems to be a decent guy but I don't think he's good for you."

'Now, that's exactly what I needed to hear right now.'

I chuckled. "I don't like him either."

She frowned at me. "But you just said that you liked him."

I laid on my back, looking at the ceiling. Then I touched my chest and remembered what happened earlier with Teacher Kimmy. "I don't think he's good for me too."

"Zee…" She elevated herself and leaned on her elbow. She was looking at me with worry. "Is it serious?"

"I think so." I turned to her and tried to put a smile on my face despite feeling really crappy inside. "But so what, I can just stop liking him that way. I don't think it will be that hard."

'That's right. If I just put my mind to it, it'll be as easy as pie.'

She slumped back on the bed and put her arm around me. "Will you be okay?"

I held her arm and smiled. "I have you, don't I?"

***

Dear Dairy Milk,

I guess I just got myself another traumatic memory that I have to be weary of.

I've replayed that day in my head countless times for the past 3 months but nothing has happened until now.

And just when I was starting to think that it was all just a strange dream...

Why did it have to happen in front of Teacher Kimmy of all people?

But I will be fine, right?