Life and Death of Ariana ZhiYin Nan

This joyous day arrived so suddenly, my daughter, Caroline is about to give birth to my first grandchild.

One moment I was with her for a scheduled OB visit, and the next moment the doctor says that she had to be admitted. And now in a pristine white hospital room, Caroline is in labor about seven weeks too early. She had refused to take medicine or receive an epidural that may cause her baby issues, she has already endured more than eight hours of contractions. My son-in-law, Anthony, holds a towel in one hand, wiping away the beads of sweat, that is trickling from her soaked hair, and with the other, tightly holds her hand. He patiently guides her through the breathing exercises that the nurses said would help. Truly,as a person who's had two children without any medication, I tell you that breathing thing is bull crap, it serves as nothing more than a distraction.

We can only wait until she is fully dilated. Last time they checked, about an hour ago, she is only at eight centimeters. The wait is the hardest part for me, well also that incessant beeping from the monitor, is not pleasant either. Suddenly, the beeping becomes fast and loud, before we can even press the button to ask for a nurse, the doctor rushes into the room. Following closely were three people in nurses uniforms and two in doctor lab coats, each bringing with them, an assortment of equipment including a baby examination table.

"Okay, it is time" the doctor announces and a frenzy of activity starts.

How does she know, when she hasn't even checked if my daughter is fully dilated yet? And that beeping and them rushing in? Something must be wrong.

A nurse rushes over to press buttons on a monitor, silencing the incessant beeping. Though providing a welcome moment of silence, it causes my heart to feel heavy, an ominous feeling is settling in. She gives Caroline an oxygen mask and moves into place, hoisting Caroline's leg up onto the stirrups.

Bewildered and not knowing what to do, Anthony robotically does what the doctor instructs. He moves to hoist Caroline's right leg up on to the stirrups. He holds his wife's right leg, while the nurse on her left, holds her left leg.

An "Ahh!" From Caroline brings my attention back to my daughter and I take my place next to her, taking over coaching her to breathe through the contractions. I can see on Caroline's face that the pain is almost too much to bare, as another contraction starts. The doctor warns her not to push just yet.

The doctor finishes donning coveralls and proceeds to check on Caroline, "Okay Caroline, it is time. I need you to start pushing on the next contraction, start slowly."

After, a dozen contractions had come and gone, Caroline protest that she can't do this anymore and tries to remove the oxygen mask.

"You cannot remove this" the nurse turns to stop her.

"No, I can't breathe with this on, I feel like I am suffocating" she protests.

"Just a couple more, I can already see the top of the head, I'm going to give you a small cut and use suction to help with the process,'' the doctor encourages.

Upon hearing that she will soon see her daughter, I can see that Caroline is once again filled with a renewed determination to endure. "Okay," is all she said.

Moments later and with a sigh and a bit of concern lingering on the doctor's words, "She's out!"

The doctor does not wait for the father to cut the umbilical cord, but does it herself and immediately hands the baby to the nurse.

There is no crying.

The nurse brings the baby to the other side of the room where a team of doctors and nurses are already setup and waiting. They check on the baby, the nurse vigorously rubs her. She is tiny. All wrapped up in the nurse's hands, she seems no bigger than a kitten.

"Why isn't she crying?" I thought.

"Now, let's concentrate on delivering the placenta", the doctor calmly says.

Caroline had laid down after the birth, utterly exhausted from the delivery. Still using the breathing exercises to ease the residual contractions. A few moments later she must have had the same thought, as she asks, "Why isn't she crying?"

"It is time to deliver the placenta, come on give me another big push" the doctor implores.

"Ahh!" She pushes and a blob of gelatinous gray mass spills out of her. She calms her breathing, turns her head, looks across the room. Suddenly stricken with emotions, tears starts streaming down her face. She dishearteningly asks me, "Mom, what is happening?"

I just stand there looking at her. I don't know what to say. Ideas just would not form in my mind, and all I could muster was, "Uh". As I continue to look down on her tear stricken face, my heart breaks into a million pieces.

After a few more moments of silence, she suddenly becomes frantic, "What is going on," practically screaming, "please tell me".

Trying to get out of bed to see, she made big movements to try to get out of the stirrups.

The doctor calls for the nurse to come and help. "Please hold her still while I finish sewing her up. Caroline, you really have to hold still while I finish here." the doctor says patiently.

I try to soothe her by stroking her hair, and telling her it will be alright. Being held back down, she takes a few more deep breaths, calms a bit, and she obediently complies. Not moving, she yells across the room, "Anthony! What is going on?"

Anthony, hesitantly turns away and leaves his position overlooking the frenzy of activity, walks over to Caroline. "Honey, the cord was wrapped around her, I think the baby is not breathing."

"No!" She screams while shaking her head, she grabs onto Anthony's arm. A new wave of hot burning tears once again falls as she stares towards the area where the baby lies, surrounded by nurses and doctors.

"Caroline, there is nothing that you can do at this moment, please just trust them do their job." the doctor says as she continues her sutures.

Moments pass, suddenly the frenzy of activity stops.

A loud resounding, "Wah!" fills the room. Feelings of joy blooms throughout the room as the pediatrician does a final check, other staff one by one, walks out of the room, with smiles and words of congratulations.

A single nurse is left to clean the baby and she wraps her up tightly, then hands the little bundle to dad. Anthony holds her gently and brings their precious baby over to Caroline. Standing next to her bed, he just waits until Caroline is helped to sit up. Holding that precious little bundle, he looks so happy.

When Caroline was ready, he gently hands off the precious bundle to his wife. Their eyes met and at that moment nothing needed to be said, life is just perfect.

Click! And I am so glad I am here to capture it.

After another two week in the hospital due to other complications, the baby was ready to go home. Ariana ZhiYin Nan is soundly sleeping in the baby carrier for the hour drive home. The sun was already setting by the time they discharged my granddaughter. As we stepped out of the hospital, the amber glow of the sunset cast beautiful soft rays of light upon her plump round face. She really had filled out a bit during her stay at the hospital.

Anthony drove us home, traffic was light. I just couldn't help but look back at my new granddaughter and oh, the joy on my own daughter's face. Life just couldn't have given me a better gift. Finally, they were able to bring their daughter home. I know that Caroline was so hurt, when she had to leave the hospital without Ariana.

When we arrived at their house, they walked in with the baby while I carried the baby bag in. She placed Ariana down in her soft comfy crib. The room had been decorated in hues of soft light yellows. Daisies in fields of grass danced on the walls and it also adorned the bedding, it was even pictured on the lamp shade and area rug. The floor lamp shines down, casting warm soft shadows of daisies onto the dimly lit room. My favorite feature was the beige rocking chair underneath the lamp. I can just imagine reading bedtime stories to my precious little one, in the days to come.

Days started flying by and the new parents finally started falling in stride; life with a new baby was not simple. I helped to cook and wash but caring for the child was all on them.

Caroline wakes 3 to 4 times to feed Ariana at night, and she has been exhausted. On this particular morning the sun was already coming up, I awoke to the sound of running water from the shower and shortly after I heard footsteps trekking the short distance from the master bedroom leading to Ariana's room. I try to ignore it and go back to sleep, maybe just a couple more minutes of shuteye before getting breakfast ready. Suddenly, I heard her scream for Anthony, who I heard barrel into the room, then frantically runs back. I get up as quickly as possible, searching for my robe. When I reached the hallway, I hear him say, "911, this is an emergency! Please send an ambulance, my baby is not breathing!"

I held Caroline, as she tightly cradled Ariana. Within minutes the ambulance was there and I stepped into the corner to stay out of the way. The paramedics had to pry Ariana out of Caroline's arms before they started CPR. Anthony supported Caroline who whimpered as they looked on. After a short while, as they continued CPR, they loaded the parents and Ariana into the ambulance.

I watched a bit as they drove off, then snapping out of it, I quickly changed and drove to the hospital. When I arrived, I found out that Caroline had fainted from hearing that Ariana was already gone.

I tried to stay strong, but tears welled up and I just couldn't let them see me this way. So, I cried for awhile in the hospital waiting room until I was finally able to call Anthony's parents letting them know and asking for them to come.

When I was done, I searched for Caroline's room and when I stood in the doorway, I saw Anthony solemnly holding Ariana sitting next to Caroline's bed. He was waiting until she awakens, so that they can both say their final goodbyes. Tears just could not be stopped, so I step back out into the hallway. Sat on the nearest chair and openly cried to ease the pain in my heart.

Meanwhile down in the underworld...