Mental Disorder

"It is, in a way, both." the voice said.

"O...kay..." I said.

"Do you now understand why you need to take these training lessons before heading to learn the history of this place, completely in a raw, unaltered and REAL experience?" the voice asked me.

"Is it going to be this intense?" I asked.

"This is child's play compared to that." he answered.

"How much training do I need before that 'real' experience?" I asked.

"Until you feel prepared." he said. "If you are asking this, it means you are still not prepared well enough."

"Can you tell me who you are?" I asked the voice. "I really, really want to know. How do I refer to you?"

"Are you sure?" he asked me.

"Yes, I surely want to know more about you." I said.

"You might not like the answer." he told me.

"Okay, sure... Just, please tell me!" I was begging him.

"Once I say it, I can't take my words back, young one." he said.

"I know, but I have to know!" I was getting a bit frusturated with him.

"You know, about some things... You are better off just not knowing about them." he said. "If you knew a lot of things you don't know right now, and if you knew the amount of things you didn't knew that you don't know-"

"Oh, please just tell me!" I shouted.

"Huh, but you are not even listening to me." the voice replied. "What use would it be if I told you the answer, while you are not listening?"

"I am sick of playing games with you!" I said. "Get me out of here!"

I heard a laugh.

"There we go, child." the voice said. "You see, sometimes... things like this hurt people more than physical discomfort."

"Was this... Just another lesson?" I asked. "Because I hate it. I hate people who talk and argue in such stupid ways."

"It was, indeed, but it was a multi-layered one." he said. "You came here to face fear and anxiety. They don't always come in obvious shapes like knife cuts, infections, getting bitten, falling off a roof or getting hit by a truck... Social and mental problems can be just as powerful, though they have very indirect connections with the survival of a being in the near-future. Yet, the fear is actually caused by the very same survival instincts."

"I got that alright." I said. "Getting embarrassed in public is something I fear the most, and the feeling was simulated just a while ago. I hated that as well."

"On the right track, so we are." the voice said.

"You still didn't tell me who you are." I said.

"I am you." he replied.

"...Excuse me?"

"You." he said. "You ARE me. I am you."

"Can... Can you please say that once again?" I said.

"I am you, and yes, you heard it correctly." he said.

"How?" I asked. "Also, why?"

"This is such a blessed place that guides you through your own mind." the voice said. "It is like your inner voice whom you talk with every now and then, except I feel like an outsider to you. But in fact, the person you are listening to right now, is your very own self."

"I can't believe it." I said.

"The reason for that is that I am guided externally, and the information is not familiar to you, which also means me."

I was confused.

"Try thinking of me like your heart. That would make me a part of you, right?" the voice asked.

"Yes." I said.

"But, can you control your heart? How fast it pumps blood, and what in what order the muscles work?" he asked.

"No." I said.

"Think of me like that, if it makes you feel better." the voice replied.

"But... Why that voice?" I asked. "That's not my voice, where is it coming from?"

"It is the voice you imagine when you are reading a novel." the voice said. "One of the voices you use when you are voicing the characters in the books you read."

"Now that I think of it, makes sense somehow." I said, then paused for a long time. "Do I have schizophrenia?" I asked, loudly.

"If you think you have a mental disorder, doesn't this mean that you DO have a mental disorder?" the voice replied. "Why would a mentally healthy person think that he might have a mental disorder?"

"Because..." I couldn't speak the rest of the sentence. "But it doesn't work that way..."

"But is it a problem?" the voice asked. "What would a normal, mentally healthy person would be like anyway?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"People's minds work so differently that it becomes impossible to actually define a mentally healthy mind. What I mean is that unless something is extremely far off, it should be considered OK; because there is no clear 'normal'."

"And..." I thought a little. "How do I know that? I mean... You are me, aren't you? So how did I come to this conclusion by myself!?"

"You didn't, I did." the voice replied.

"I thought you were me." I said.

"Oh, don't worry, I am." he replied.

"There is contradiction." I said.

"No." he replied.

"Prove." I said.

"We have the same identity, but we are not exactly the same otherwise." he said. "I am your guided, ascended self. My task is to guide you. If I know nothing more than you do, then what is the point?"

"Are you permanent?" I asked him.

"What do you mean? I AM YOU! I exist with you!" he said.

"How come I didn't hear your voice until I climbed up this godforsaken mountain?" I asked.

"Huh, well, that..." he said. "Once my guidance task is finished, you will exactly be me - at which point I will no longer 'be' a separate thing. In that sense, YOU are temporary, and I am permanent."

"So..." I said. "You are like the future me."

"Such a 3 dimensional perspective..." he said and sighed. "But sure."