Chapter Fourteen: Full Circle Part 1

Tuesday Morning: Meeting with my doctor

"Good morning Connor how are you feeling today?" asked the doctor.

"Well doc I feel like shit, but what else is new. It's the same day different bullshit lifestyle that I have, and nothing is going to change."

"Well, all things will get better in the end. Now, in our last discussion you were about to touch upon what happen to you when the cops took you away."

Connor looked at the doc and didn't say a word.

"Come now Connor, we need to discuss about this if you want to get better."

"Better? Better, Connor rose his voice towards him. "I'm never going to be better doc, not from after the terrible thing I did to my sister, said Connor."

"When you physically raped her?"

Connor looked towards the door then turned his head towards the window, looking outside; to get that feeling of freedom once more. Connor then turned towards the doctor, "Yeah doc, I did."

"Do you know why you did such a thing like that to your sister? Was it due to fact that your ex-girlfriend Jennifer couldn't give you a baby because of her condition, said the doctor."

Connor then lowered his head down towards the floor, as he slowly raised it back up with tears rolling down from his eyes, "Yeah, because I wanted to be a father."

"You wanted to be a father Connor, but you thought the only way that can happen was to rape your younger sister."

"I wasn't thinking at all when I was doing it, it just happened."

The doctor got up from his chair and walked towards the window, in where Connor was looking out from before and walked back towards his chair, "Connor, are you ready to begin this session and explain in every detail of the events leading up to when the cops arrested you. You may begin when you're ready, said the doctor."

"It was a cold December morning…

… Today I'm turning another year older, I'm surprised that there letting me celebrate my fucking birthday after what I did to them. Those assholes I hate them all. Expect for one of my siblings, my little sister Amber. She's growing up to be a perfect little lady, I can't believe it, she was too easy to fool around with. It's so wrong that I'm doing this to my sister; but it's so fun to do."

"Connor, are you up yet? You'll be late again. Get your ass up right now mister!!" shouted the mother.

"I couldn't stand my mother, she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world. I'm glad I'm not getting any grey hair from all the stress that she has been giving me over the past twenty-four years of my life."

____

"Why were you mad at your mother? What did she do to make you hate her so much Connor?"

"I felt like she was holding me back, I wanted to live my own life, but she felt that I wasn't ready to."

"Do you think she was right?"

"Yeah, she was. I should have listened to her, but I was too thickheaded to even listen."

"It happens. Please continue, asked the doctor."

"I was getting ready, as she continued to scream for me to come downstairs…

___

"Connor, get down here right now!"

"Alright, already. I heard you the first few times you shouted up here" said Connor, as he grabbed his bag. Until he got stopped by a little Amber; that was standing in her night gown.

"Now did the rapping happen before or after you were leaving?"

"It happened after I was leaving; I knew something was about to happen. I felt it deep within my stomach that I was done for, said Connor."

"Ah, so you think Amber might have told your parents what happen after you left?"

"She must have, said Connor."

____

"Where are you going big brother?" asked Amber.

Connor got down towards his sister's level, and told her in where he was going, "Your big bro is going away for a long time sis. I'm afraid that we won't have fun with each other anymore."

Tears started to develop near her eyes, as she ran towards her brother. Giving him a big hug, for one final time.

"I don't want you to go big brother, it's not fair, it's just not fair."

"Amber, I want you to look into my eyes" (Amber looked up into her brother's eyes) "Whatever you do, no matter where you go. Just remember that I'm always going to be here for you, inside of here" (points to Amber's heart). "Can you remember that when you get to be my age?"

She looked at him again, "Yes big brother, I will remember that when I get older"

"That promise that you gave to your sister quickly backfired when you were in handcuffs and was brought to prison. She must of be heartbroken to see that happen, said the doctor."

"Yeah she was. Till to this day, she hasn't returned any of my calls or letters that I sent to her. She doesn't want me in her life anymore."

"I can see why."

"Shut the fuck up doc!"

"Easy now Connor, don't let your rage consume you any further. Now please proceed further."

"So, I was walking downstairs as I….

_____

… gave my sister the biggest fare well hug and kiss goodbye, as I approached the front door for the last time. Stepping inside of my car; ready to go to work, I receive a text message from one of my college friends. Saying that the cops were looking for me at the dorm, and there not leaving without me sitting in the back seat of a cop car; with handcuffs behind my back."

"I started to panic; thinking of my next move. Where should I go? Where can I go, so I don't get seen by someone that I know. I put the car in reverse, and turn the car towards my destination, and it wasn't back at the college either. I was going to a place in where the boys in blue won't seem to find me. On the highway, my phone starts to go off and to see that my girlfriend Jennifer was trying to get a hold of me. Five text messages and four voice mails later, I decided to call her and tell her what's up"

"What made you decided to call her after the madness that was waiting for you, asked the doctor."

"I felt it was the right thing to do, so I called her and believe me doc she wasn't happy to hear my voice."

___

-Phone rings-

-Jennifer answers-

"Connor, where the fuck is you! I been trying to contact you for like four hours now. Why haven't you answered my calls? Are you hiding something from me?"

"No, why the fuck would you think of that. I would never cheat on you with another girl."

"Good, anyway I have been getting phone calls from the police; asking if you were here at my house. Of course, I told them that you weren't here and that you be back at your dorm room."

"I knew right then and there something didn't feel right when she told me that, said Connor."

"What was going thru your mind when she told you that the cops were heading towards your dorm room, asked the doctor."

"My mind was racing so fast that I didn't have time to process a single word, I was pissed and after I…

____

… paused for a second, and quickly I respond, "Why did you fucking tell them that I would be back at the dorm? My roommate was blowing up my phone; telling me that were asking to see where I was."

Jennifer paused, as I heard whispers in the background. Quickly I questioned the noises, "Jenn, who are you talking to in the background? I heard noises?"

"You heard noises that didn't seem right to you. Thinking that there might be more than one person that's telling her what to say, asked the doctor."

"Yeah, I thought it was the tv because she always has that thing blasting inside of her living room, so the whole neighborhood can hear her surround sound, said Connor."

"But there was whispers in the background, how can a TV with a loud enough bass that would disturbed the neighbors, be able to produce whispers like that?"

"Beats me doc. She might have been outside or inside her kitchen while I was talking to her."

"So, what happen when she came back onto the phone."

"Well…

____

She paused again, and came back onto the phone, "What is your problem now boy?"

"I asked you, who you were talking to? Who's there with you?" I asked her.

"I'm watching T.V inside my room, it's a show on MTV."

I didn't believe her for one second, I knew someone, or something was going on; that she wasn't telling me. The only thing that I can do was to ask her one more time, "Jenn, are you sure that there isn't anyone there with you?"

She paused again, as I overheard a conversation going on in the background. It started out soft, as it got louder and I was able to hear the words that send chills down my spine "We got his location, move in now!!" I hung up the phone, and for one split second after that, there were six cop cars; blocking me in, with nowhere left to go."

The captain of the police squad came from his car with a megaphone, "Connor Banks, turn the car off and drop the keys onto the ground."

I did what the cop told me to do. I started to panic once more, as I saw them getting the straight jacket out from the white van in the back. The cop picked up the megaphone again; with further instructions for me to do.

"Come out from the car; with your hands in the air."

"I did what he told me to do, I got out from my car, as I saw them all with guns; pointing in my general direction. This was it; I was a dead man."

"I stood there, losing all signs of breathing, as I felt my whole body was about to collapse on me, until the officer order me to do the next step."

"Drop to your knees, with your hands behind of your head"

"There was nowhere left for you to run, your girlfriend backstabbed you and now you are sitting inside of a cop car, said the doctor. What happen while the cop was picking you up from the ground Connor?"

"I did what any man would do during that time…

____

… I followed his orders as my knees hit the ground. One of the officers came towards me, walked behind of me and placed the handcuffs onto my wrist. He grabbed me from the ground and brought me to the cop car; while reading me the Mirada Rights."

"I sat inside of the cop car, while they were filling out the final parts of their reports. I started to reflect upon the moments of what actually happened. Who told on me? How did my parents find out? Did my sister rag on me and told them that I did a bad thing to her? I couldn't fix all the pieces together; there was a lot to think of in a very short distance to the prison in where I was going to start my sentence. On a case of a bad thing, that an older sibling would do something so terrible to mention towards their younger sister. I wish I can take it back.

As I sat inside of the cop car, I watched all the people; walking around, being free from all of these problems. Like they don't even give a fucking shit that little old me is going away for life. My mind raced around like a hamster spinning inside of its wheel, trying to figure out how to stop or to get off from this crazy wheel that is called a life. My life wasn't going anywhere now, because I fucked up and now, I'm going to pay for all of my sins, inside of a jail cell; to rot and die, without anyone coming to see me. I looked up from my seat and noticed that we have arrived at the courthouse; in where my judgement day has arrived.

The doctor then opened up his booklet as he wrote down a few paragraphs and closed it. "Connor, what was going thru your mind when you arrived at that courthouse? Knowing that this was the last time the world was ever going to see Connor Banks ever again, asked the doctor."

"My own heart dropped down towards my stomach, as I can feel it burning up from the acid. I walked inside of that place without my heart. I was a dead man walking, said Connor."

"When you saw your parents sitting there and your sister Amber, what emotion came over you while you were walking towards the judge?"

"I knew that they weren't seeing me as their son anymore, but as a rapist and a sicko that did something like that to my own flesh and blood. I can still feel it deep within my heartless body. The pain that they were going thru on that day, said Connor."

"What did it feel like when you started to get out from the car Connor?"

"It felt my days as a man was numbered, and…

___

… getting that last bit of air for the final time, as I entered inside the building without any idea of what to do or what to even say. But what was I going to say, I fucked up I did something that I won't ever gain back, and I don't think that my sister will ever look at me the same way ever again? My sister, boy let me tell you about little old Amber, she is going places. She wants to become a teacher in the worst way possible. I see her inside of her room, playing with her dolls and pretending that they were her own students and she was the teacher. Giving them all a lesson in life, that any plastic toy would understand. These dolls of hers didn't have a voice to begin with so they wouldn't give her the answers that she was seeking for. She's the only one to give them a voice, I wish that she can give me a voice; so, I don't have to be locked away inside of a jail cell for the rest of my life.

"Now you just said that you wish that your sister would give you a voice like her dolls instead of using yours. Her voice would be different than to your very own Connor. She would have you spill the beans on everything that you did to her, if she had control of your voice. Do you still want that wish to happen? Or do you want to take it back?"

"I rather take it back, because I don't want someone's voice guiding me and telling me what to say."

"That's what happen to Jennifer. She was being told what to say while the cops were locking in on your location; to stop you in your tracks. Connor, you need to stop relying on other people that don't deserve to be judged, said the doctor. You have been using your own voice during this session. You don't need someone else's voice instead of your own."

"Yeah I wish you have told me that before I was locked away! shouted Connor."

"I don't need to tell you how you should live your life; you need to learn how to do that on your own Connor. We are almost done with our time here, so during these final minutes discuss on what happen inside of the court room."

Now here I am sitting here inside the courtroom; waiting for my judgement and sentence. Looking all around the room, to see in the corner of my eye that they were here; my family was sitting on the other side of the room. They didn't look in my direction, they didn't care about me. Then there was Amber, she looked in my direction and gave me a little smile, but my mother spotted her looking at me and brought her attention back towards her. There was a bit of hope from all of this, maybe there was a silver lining that things were going to be better from here on out. Wait, scratch that… things got worst. They call me to the stand.

"Connor Banks, you are here on the accounts of…"

She read them all, I couldn't believe that I had so much on my case load. All of them were old and some were new, but the biggest one was what she said as the last count to be added to my caseload. This one was the one that was putting me in the cell forever.

"… Rape and sexual assault on a minor," said the judge. "With these counts that are now added onto your caseload Mr. Banks, I'm afraid that you're going away for a long time. Maybe for the rest of your life."

I knew it, I fucked up and this was my final days of life.

"Do you have any last words you would like to say, before I read off your sentence Mr. Banks?"

This was my only chance to speak my mind and tell them I was sorry for what I did.

"Yes, your honor, I do have something to say."

"Then you may approach the bench and face the room; to give your final statements," said the judge.

"In your final moments, it was your turn to speak in your own voice and tell them that you fucked up, said the doctor."

Connor looked at the doctor and he knew that he was getting frustrated with him as each of the following seconds rolled on towards the end of the session. Connor got up from his chair and stepped towards the window and looked outside from it, as he saw the kids playing in a nearby park from the office. The smiles on their faces as they had nothing to worry about. Connor then turned around towards the doctor and sat back down in his chair, 'I knew what I wanted to say to them, and I knew that this was my last time in saying it. Hoping that it would strike something inside of them, said Connor."

"And what did you say during your final plead Connor?"

____

"First off, I want to take this time to say this before you throw the book at me. I want to apologize to my family; I should have been a better son to you and a better brother for Amber. What I did, I can't ever take back. I'm truly am sorry that it had to come to this, but I guess it was the best time to catch me in the act. Since I'm almost out of time, I want to say to my sister Amber and my soon to be born brother Travis, be kind to anyone that comes into your lives, don't treat them like shit, just like I did to your Amber bean. Respect them as they respect you. Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do anything that you put your mind to. Prove them wrong and show them that your life matters. That's all I have to say, you can lower the sentence onto me judge. I'm ready to serve my days and years as a broken man,"

"I wanted to say more, but during that time I didn't have the courage to even say it to them, said Connor."

"What did you wanted to say to them, if you had more time Connor?"

"I wanted to say that I love them and that I should have listened better than being an idiot towards them.

I just left everything on the table, my emotions, my heart and my freedom. As the judge stepped back inside the courtroom; to deliver my sentence.

"Mr. Connor Banks, you are here by sentence to serve 100 years in prison. You'll do your first 50 years here, and the rest of your sentence at Dawnwell mental institution. In addition, if you show me that you show process here, then I'll cut your sentence down to 40 years here and 20 years at Dawnwell. If, and only if you show me that you can carry out this sentence with promise. Do I make myself clear Mr. Banks," asked the judge?

"Yes ma'am, I agree to your terms and I'll respect them truly."

"This court session is complete, please encored Mr. Banks to his cell room."

That was it, the sentence was issued and there was no turning back from this. As they walked me out from the courtroom, I looked at their faces as there were tears in my mother eyes, and tears in Amber's eyes. My father didn't even look at me, as they brought me towards the door. This was it, my days as a free man were over.