Shadow and Fire

August 4, 2019 5:02pm:

  Had church today, but I was so exhausted from working on the first chapter of this book last night.

    There are days that I am tempted to hardly do anything and some lazy days are good, but we still have work to do.

    I think we will come to find that Heavenly Father is more understanding than we give him credit for. Like I mentioned in the first chapter God wants for you to succeed.

Your success is His success and He wants you to be happy. At the end of 3 Nephi 10 it talks about how God wants us to do exactly what He says nothing more and nothing less. Obedience brings blessings, exact obedience brings miracles.

Again I apologize for jumping around with my thoughts, but bear with me. There is a method to my madness.

It is told that when miracles have ceased it is because the Faith of man has ceased. We know that Faith is an action word and God wants us to move forward or if we are not we are moving backwards. Also the Lord says that a man should not run faster than he has strength. I believe there is a balance to all things. Most of it I don't understand like righteous indignation or anger.

For example, there is being passive where you could have people walking all over you or there is aggressive. Which beating people up or yelling at them isn't the greatest solution. Then the balance of the two is being assertive. Being assertive means you are going to get your point across and yet doing it in a gentle way.

Honestly I am just writing what comes to mind that I feel the Lord needs for me to share. So some of my thoughts might be random but there is an over all arcing theme of this book which is the need for daily repentance.

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was 20. I was first diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was 19 on my mission. Those reading this book who are not members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints a mission is a mission trip where we give up 2 years of our lives to go and serve a particular people where we are called to serve. I was called to Hawaii. Anyway, this might be the reason why my mind jumps around so much yet everything seems to connect.

There is this thing in our church called a Patriarchal Blessing which is supposed to be personal scripture on your life. One of the things I can share with you is that God told me in mine, if I would allow Him, He would make me to be an instrument in His hands for His purposes. Which I have felt that writing is that role in my life.

My life has definitely not been sunshine, lollipops, and rainbows. But whose life hasn't been a little crazy?

Anyway today and at this moment I feel that the Lord wants me to write about each day like it is a journal entry. You may or may not see chapter headings in this book and maybe each "chapter" will be a daily journal entry. The main purpose of this book is to share my daily experiences with you to help you understand how the mind of someone with schizoaffective disorder works. I also want to try to keep this Christ centered, nonetheless this is about my life experiences. I may stop in the middle of my journaling to study God's word, but I intend to give you the time of my day when I will begin writing again. So consider this to be a journal entry book.

9:56pm:

 I try not to do business or school on Sundays, but I try to do weekly planning. I don't understand why I am not motivated to make a better life for myself and especially with my company Primerica. Meeting people and recruiting comes almost second nature to me, but the test for my life insurance license is kicking my butt. All I have to do is complete that test and I am smooth sailing. It's just trying to stay motivated and trying not to get burnt out when I am studying because there is so much to do. So much to learn. I know it is worth it. I need to be a provider for my future family plus I need money for dating and I need a car. Girls are not my purpose, but nobody wants to be lonely. And a man's role is to provide. God help me to be motivated to finish my test.

August 5, 2019 11:25pm:

Anger is a terrible evil to let take over you. Broke my phone today. I was in the middle of a 2 hour long test and it froze on me, so I threw it against my dresser. Ya, it broke alright. I don't even know where I am going with this book, but I hope it can help somebody. I just know I need to write. I've struggled with my weaknesses today and the main one is patience. I've been struggling with voices or they may be random thoughts. It's hard to tell. I definitely have ups and downs. I feel like the voices control me to a point because I try to listen to the "spirit." Sometimes I can't tell the difference between the devil or the spirit. The voice can seem logical and I want to be guided but I notice one of the voices tries to rush me or makes me feel shameful for if I sin. It just really eats at me. As you can tell I can have really high highs and very low lows. The other day I was all gung-ho about being righteous and here I go breaking my phone. 

Everything just feels so exhausting and I feel like writing is my only way out. My thoughts are just racing and I feel off. I did just take my evening meds which I should take with dinner. Life with schizoaffective disorder isn't easy. You get manic where you have racing thoughts, your appetite is off, and you can't sleep. That is why my thoughts jump around. Then there is the depressing part which there are phases of both. Right now I'm starting to slip into the depressive part of my diagnosis. Here we are it is almost midnight. Schizoaffective makes it difficult to make choices and rational ones. With the voices that I experience. It's like the voices are a mix of thoughts and voices. I just cannot escape.

At one point you feel like you can conquer the world and the next moment you quit something and move on. Or back and forth between a few things. Right now it's my company Primerica, writing, and music. I just cannot decide so I'm trying to do all 3, which may seem crazy. Which it is, but that is part of it. Making a single decision and sticking to it. I didn't want to be the same when I die. Sometimes I do think about how I don't want to live. I haven't thought that way in a while, but my emotions have been out of control. Right now I am a toxic person worthy of death. But what can you do but move on?

August 6, 2019 12:10am:

I can't believe I broke my phone. Now I'm going nowhere and I think God is happy with that. That's how I feel probably not the reality of it. I'm a mess. I just wish I didn't get so angry. The thing that frustrates me the most, well was my crappy phone. But now I have no phone. No music, no conversations, no coping. No working on my test which was my next step but looks like I'm meant to f*** everything up in my life. I mean what is the point? I'm not going to be missed and I ruin every relationship that I am in. If not right away eventually I f*** it all up. I have nothing really to offer the world. I'm just here to f*** everything up. That's one thing I'm good at. I just really need help getting a new phone. Satan has officially, wait… I have successfully ruined my life. I freaking need a miracle. I'm just about to give up. That's what I'm good at. What do I have to offer but negativity and self destructive anger? I'm not even angry right now, I just don't want to live.

9:40am:

You have to remain calm and positive through the hard times. I'm praying and hoping I can get a new phone. I really need one. I'm putting this trial in God's hands even though I created it by breaking my phone. Let's see how a little bit of faith and patience will work in my life. I found the name of the girl who taught me about the deal on the phones. Her name was Becca. God, help me to run into her this morning so I can get a new phone.

11:25am:

I want to take this time to thank Heavenly Father for helping me to get this new phone. This has been one of my greatest blessings recently because I had no idea how I was going to do it. I just gave my trial to God and this time He answered pretty quickly. Not all my answers come right away, but they do come. He does answer. We have to do this daily. We need to pick up our crosses and follow Him. The son of God even Jesus the Christ. I spent over 5 hours trying to get that old phone of mine to work and the Lord had better and brighter plans for me. I just need to act. Thank you Heavenly Father, thank you for your son teaching me and leading me. I was listening to the still small voice, just sometimes you have to stop and listen or you won't hear it or you will get other voices mixed up with it. Life isn't a race, it's just a journey. Even though races can be fun proceed with caution. Sometimes you have to create that opposition when things are going wrong. It was amazing the manager Becca was there, the exact person I needed to speak with. Thank you God she was there or I probably wouldn't have gotten the phone.

10:21pm:

Trying to stay motivated for work. Got my schedule planned out so I'll workout. Just trying to get in a routine again and keep it. Taking the practice test once a day for work until I can pass it. After the life insurance test I'll have my investment license to get. Once I get this one though I'll be able to make money. I really need to pass this test, but I also need to stay balanced on recruiting people. The problem is I can't make money until my license, but I need a balance in my life. I hardly did anything today besides get my new phone and went to this evening's meeting. Advice for you tonight try to get a routine down and plan out your days or day. Take one day at a time but try to master planning. "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail." So true. Good night.

August 8th 2019:

I'm worried but not really worried about things. I scheduled my life insurance test for tomorrow. I'm really nervous just because of my anxiety not really because I am unprepared. I want to finish this test but I don't at the same time. I don't know what will happen if I pass the test. It would be weird to pass because I think I'm going to maybe fail. Maybe. I'm not too worried about failing it's just that my life is going to be way different when I pass. Hopefully that makes sense. I'm just afraid of success and having money. I've basically had to do without my whole life. Yes and no. At the same time I've been very blessed. I've lived in Hawaii twice now. I'm afraid to have money. I just need to manage my money very well. I don't know if I am ready for this change. I also do fear failure I'm worried but I'm not. It's mixed feelings. I mean I'll definitely be grateful to pass but do I believe that I'm worthy of it? I don't know. I need to pass, I need to be successful, I need to rise above this, but am I worthy to make so much money? I know how to do it, but am I worthy? I don't know, maybe.

August 11, 2019:

I passed my exam the other day, but that is not what is on my mind. Satan is working his temptations on me. It doesn't really matter. I'm trying to change my beliefs and my thoughts. I pray that virtue may be over my thoughts. I'm trying to always look at women in that virtuous light. For God delights in the virtue and chastity of women. I'm not sure if I should share this journal. I have faith that I have much to offer. Some of my thoughts are written on my phone. I'm grateful that I can use different ways to record my thoughts. I was proud of my first day writing and then I fall off the bandwagon. God is very merciful. I don't always have the greatest thoughts, but I am working on it. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing enough.

I don't even know work wise how I am going to find people to help. I know everyone needs what we do. I pray that Heavenly Father will bless me for doing the "Come Follow Me" section for this week. I really need encouragement and the blessings of the Lord to get my business off the ground. How can I? Keep calling and making appointments. Help me dear Lord to get those appointments help me to help families financially and help me to start making money so that I may get a car. I truly can't do this without you. I need 4 or more appointments and 2 recruits. 4 people to show up to our open house. I need to make money to get rid of these annoying flies, get my own apartment eventually, healthy food, and a gym membership doing CrossFit. Heavenly Father I want to be successful.

August 13th 6:03am:

I feel like I am starving because I have been up most of the night. My sleep schedule is definitely off. Been battling my thoughts and bad habits all night. It's not really why I'm awake but being up so late/early in the morning makes you pretty vulnerable to the devil. I don't really struggle with pornography at least everyday. I definitely don't view pornography very often. But it occasionally happens. I'm not in denial, I do struggle with my thoughts but I know I can overcome my weaknesses through prayer, repentance, and by following the counsel of our prophets and apostles.

Before my mission and before repenting I was addicted to pornography. I was exposed to pornography at a very young age. From what I could remember, pornography was almost like cartoons. Well it was played on the tv like cartoons. It was crazy. I didn't want to put this in my book, but I think some people need to hear this. I was molested when I was young as well, I won't disclose who did it for he might read this book eventually, but even though he raped my little twin sister in front of me, and like I said molested me, I still forgive him for what he had done. It wasn't my father, it was one of my half brothers. I've had to live with that from a very young age and I believe it had been going on from when we were 4 to about 5. Maybe even younger. These events occurred numerous times and how my half brother got caught was that my sister had a seizure from the trauma of it all, when we were 5 almost 6 years old. I blame pornography for corrupting my brother. I still care about him and I forgive him. I haven't talked to him obviously about it because of everything and I wonder what he thinks to this day.

Anyway, that event of my sister having the seizure because of my half brother is what caused our family to separate. I blame everything on pornography. My life time goal is to ban all the pornography sites and to burn down all the pornography industry buildings. At least shut them down, but yes might as well burn down the whole building and everything in it. Pornography and adultery has ruined my family and countless of others families so I hope to personally rid the world of this plague. If not me then Christ will. So you better watch out.

I think most people who really struggle with pornography have similar cases in their lives. Where you are exposed at a very young age, or one of these terrible events happen in your life. If you are struggling with pornography I promise you that there is a way out and that lust is a lie. I promise you that you will find true love as you rid yourself of this plague. You can be forgiven and it's never too late. Don't let it consume you any longer for you may make a horrible choice like my own half brother. And if you have I know you can be forgiven. There are consequences for your actions, but if you will confess and forsake your sin you will be forgiven. I plead with you to repent and to call on the Holy Ghost to cleanse your mind and to renew your mind. It all starts with our thoughts and our beliefs. Let virtue garnish your thoughts, believe you can change and your actions will change. When our actions change our results or consequences change. Change for the better. Love and trust God for He first loved us.

Satan will never obtain a body. I can't say never for I am not God, but it is said that Satan is eternally opposed to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I don't like to believe that nobody can change, but it is all up to us. I honestly believe Satan himself can be forgiven in time if he chose to repent. I forgive Satan for causing me so much harm and when I do forgive him, I'm at total peace. God said to love our enemies to forgive those that curse us. Doesn't mean we have to like them. But we have to forgive. God will choose whom He will forgive. And I know the truly pendant are forgiven.

Is it possible for Satan to be forgiven? That could take a very long time but I believe it is possible. He would have to simply change. Repentance is for all and mercy and grace are extended to those that follow the Savior. I even think the Savior forgives Satan for tempting Him and causing so much pain. I can't speak for the Savior but I do believe with His perfect love He forgives the father of all lies. It's hard to comprehend that maybe, but God has a love for all of His children. Even Satan was a spiritual son of God. He was, but alas has fallen. I think if I can forgive Satan for all the pain he has put me through I believe we are all capable of doing the same. There is no greater peace I have found in my life than when I have told Satan I have forgiven him. I don't accept his sin or his ways but I accept that he is still a spiritual son of the most high. Imagine the joy God would feel if Satan truly repented and this was all over. The struggle maybe not but the temptations of evil ceasing would be different. It's hard to imagine. 

I'm at peace with my writings. I'm not content for there is much work to be done, but I'm mostly at peace. What would happen if Satan chose to repent right now? Is that even possible? I wish he would. I think God wishes that he would turn back. I mean eternity is right now. We are in it. I will never accept Satan's plan. It's like how could you trust him? Could you? If he really repented? If he did you would definitely know about it. Things would drastically change. It is hard to imagine. I just wonder how far away the second coming really is. Maybe the spark of Christ's coming is Satan beginning to repent? Maybe. Maybe not. I mean if he is going to be bound for 1,000 years and then released, why would he be released? How will we be tested? I haven't heard much on this. Would it be a test not to follow him? Or would the test be if we are willing to forgive him? You know what I am saying? Because if this is true can we stop his work now? Would he allow us to stop it now? He isn't dumb, so why would he want to be banished for an eternity? He wouldn't. I think we need to realize that he is not dumb that he does know what he is doing and that maybe 1,000 years without him maybe we could learn to fully forgive him and those other spirits who now suffer or encourage us to suffer. Maybe they are hurting. You probably will say, well Brad why would that matter? They are evil. Well my brother or sister I believe that, in fact, I know all can be forgiven through our Lord Jesus Christ. No matter what kind of spirit you are or were. I know that God loves all of His children. All of His spiritual and mortal beings. I think we all need to stop playing war and start loving one another. Now you might say, well Brad how can that be? Isn't there always going to be war and contention? Maybe but maybe we could all repent. Love, not hate. All things are possible through our Lord Jesus Christ. All things even Satan's redemption. As long as he is willing it is possible. I know that is true. And I can not deny it. I know that Satan can be forgiven if he is ever willing. Will he ever be willing? I think so. I mean eternity is eternity. It's literally forever. 

I can't or don't really want to understand the justice that Satan and his angels would have to endure or will have to endure. Forever? I believe that, that is their choice. Now then again, well I think it all comes down to forgiveness not really acceptance. We cannot accept Satan's ways but we can forgive him. And that brings me peace because I do not follow Satan's will I follow Heavenly Father's will. Could there be someone worse than Satan or could be worse? I think so. Hard to imagine but I think if you choose that route you are quickly taken out from it. Or will be taken out from it. This is why we have war. Part of the reason. Hitler literally wanted to force people to do his will which was Satan's will now if Hitler can repent, can he? Hmmm, if we can compare Hitler to Satan they are or were pretty similar. Can it be too late? We are told it can be too late but is that the reality? Well we can not take away Satan's agency or anyone else's so I guess it is possible that he could repent. Might take a very very long time for God to trust him, but is it possible? Maybe.

I just know that all things are possible through our Lord Jesus Christ. Even Satan's forgiveness. That takes so much guts and heart and unbelievable forgiveness to forgive Satan. But I forgive him. Like I said I do not accept his will, but God's.

God loves us all. I mean remember what Jesus said on the cross? "Forgive them, for they know not what they do." I don't think Satan understands fully what eternity means. Maybe he does and that is why he is "eternally" opposed to Heavenly Father's plan. But I do not doubt that Satan could change. He could change. It is possible because of Jesus Christ. Our older brother. All things are possible and I know that God cannot lie, so I believe him. So I know that Satan can be forgiven if he so chooses. Might, like I said take a while, but I'm crazy enough to try to convince him and his angels. I forgive them for what they have done and for what they do.