Psychosis

September 3rd 2019, 11:29am:

   Love is an interesting thing. Haley is afraid that I'm going to leave her, but I won't. I trust her. I'm afraid of the same thing. We need to agree to trust each other.

   I'm going to get rent taken care of, looks like my phone bill was taken care of. Going to have to get my phone plan switched over because I'm not with Primerica anymore. Decided to focus on my writing. I really hope you can see my life and be aware of my everyday. I'll try to finish this first book today, but no guarantees. Looks like I have journaled for a month now, but I don't want to rush my writing. I'll probably take my time and finish today or another day.

   I hope this book can inspire at least one person. The hope is at least 1 million people with my books so that more people can be aware of how the mind of a schizophrenic work, and my life. 

   God has truly saved me. I think I told you guys I was in a car wreck last year. I guess it is time to tell the story.

   So I was going through a psychosis because I stopped taking my meds back in Sep. or so of last year. I really wanted to know if I could go without my meds to be able to join the Marine Corps.

   I always wanted to join the military. I was in NJROTC which is Navy Junior Reserve Officer Training Corps. In High School. I had gone to Leadership Academy in Kansas City where I got first place in physical training and orienteering.

    That next year, my senior year, we went to Nationals and got 10th place in Armed Exhibition Drill. It's where you throw rifles and all while marching. We worked our butts off.

   A year before that 3 of our ROTC classmates got killed in a car accident. It was October 8th or 10th of 2009. Wow, it will be 10 years since the accident. Anyway, we wanted to go to Nationals for the first time in their honor and we did it!

   Anyway, I always wanted to be a Chaplain in the military. I was going to lie my way in. Didn't work.

     They never found out but the weekend that I was going to sign up I decided to go down to Arkansas to visit people. I decided to go through Eureka Springs where I almost killed somebody racing.

    Also another thing that I did while driving around I had my hand stuck out the window while I was driving because I felt like I was the next Hitler or something. It wasn't about killing people, it was about power. It was very strange. I had these black and white clothes on which made me think I was a Nazi or something.

    So I got to my aunt's house in Pea Ridge and told her how I was going to join the military and all. She was kind of excited for me, but sceptical. Anyway I decided to play Runescape that night and morning.

    I got logged in and told Jagex that I would start advertising for them if they would let me work for them. I even typed it into the chat and Runescape or Jagex or someone took over my character. I would type things in like, "we need to prepare for war."

     And all this stuff and then I told everyone that I was king and some people were playing along with it. I had a bunch of expensive armor and items that I have away from free telling them to help lower levels, to buy the Runescape things for membership, and I told them I needed certain items sold and bought for the battle. I was actually doing this "role playing."

    Anyway, whoever was controlling my character would auto-correct my mistakes and they would automatically put on armor as I would speak. Like this sword excalibur. When you equip it, it would make your character say things. It's hard to hallucinate  this through an online game.

   There was this girl at the time that I was trying to impress through the game. It was so weird. Like I wanted the whole world to know that I loved her.

   Yes, and I could go into more details about how I thought I beat the game of Runescape, but it doesn't really matter. I felt like this huge hero afterwards.

   That morning I left because I felt like I needed to go to Washington D.C. to save the President. So I drove from Pea Ridge, Arkansas all the way up to St. Louis to the temple. While I was driving up there I had my flashers on like I had someone important in the back of my car. Plus the windows were tinted. So people were letting me by. There were buses that I thought were full of military personnel, but they were probably just school buses.

     I had the thought that I was suppose to help Donald Trump take over the country from the democrats and that we were in a civil war. So from Pea Ridge I drove up to Springfield and said we have taken Springfield. I thought people on the highway knew what I was thinking or what was going on.

    I began to post things on Facebook like, "The south is rising," and all this tuff. Like the southern states were working with Great Britain, Germany, and France. That the civil war was going to turn into World War 3.

     My thoughts or voices were telling me that I was this mighty general for Donald Trump and that we were fighting against the democrats and China and whoever sided with them. (In reality, I have nothing against these people). As soon as I got to Missouri, I stopped at a Gas Station. I thought the "South" had taken it over from the North. That it was under our control.

Then I decided to drive from Springfield, all the way to St. Louis.

   I thought that everyone was viewing my Facebook and that were in a civil war. While I was driving I saw smoke from fires, so I thought it was where people were burning buildings down. So I get to St. Louis and type in my Facebook. "We have taken St. Louis." Then I drove to the St. Louis temple thinking it could be safe spot anyway from our enemies.

    This is on a Sunday and I drove up to the temple, got out of my car, walked into the temple, and told the worker that I was here to do temple work. (We don't do temple work on Sundays)

    So I thought that the temple was open just for me and that I was supposed to meet the Prophet here. The worker told me they were busy in the meeting and I told him they were expecting me.

    I used the restroom and came out and the worker told me to come back on Monday. But I was too exhausted to drive all the way back home. But I got in my car and circled to the front of the temple entrance. The voices or thoughts told me I was supposed to pick someone up. So I waited, and a few minutes goes by and this taller man clean shaven with glasses comes out and my mind tells me that, that is the Savior. The man smiled at me like He knew me. So He proceeded to get in to a pearl white suburban. 

    Anyway, I decided that I needed to go back home. So I drove out of the temple yard and when I got to the light the white suburban was right next to me. When the light turned green he merged or they merged over in front of me. As soon as they did that my thoughts started telling me that I was supposed to follow them. The license late read something Pluto or something.

   So this whole time I thought it was the spiriting telling me to do all of these things.

   So I'm following the suburban through St. Louis and my thoughts were that we were headed to Independence or Adam-on-diamon or wherever the temple is supposed to be built for Christ's second coming. I thought I was undercover preparing Christ for His coming and that I had just witnessed him. I thought that the world was in this great battle already. That this was His second coming and that Christ was in the suburban on His way to Far West or wherever to show himself to everyone else.

    I thought I was supposed to escort the Savior and that I was going to be the final sacrifice at His second coming where we all gather at Adam-on-diamon or whatever for the sacrifice and sacrament with the Savior. (Definitely far into a psychosis)

    So I follow the suburban way out of nowhere and we ended up at a McDonald's. I parked on the other side of the parking lot and walked over to the suburban and the windows were tinted. I knock on the window, it rolls down, and no one is in the driverseat so I'm in shock thinking that Christ was driving the whole time and that He just went invisible. I look back at the passenger after he asked what I wanted and then he goes and says. " I know ye not," and rolls up the window.

    So my thoughts when I got back in my car were that I wasn't worthy to see Christ and that I needed to get to know him before I could see him. Like I said I thought the spirit was telling me this.

    I get back on the road and start driving on this random highway. I start speeding up and and the voice is telling me to go faster and faster. I'm going like 120 mph down this highway. The voice keeps telling me to trust God that He is testing my faith.

    Anyway I slow down to about 90 mph and I'm passing cars left and right. And, out of nowhere is the pearl white suburban It had been following me. How could it catch up to me if it wasn't Christ? I thought to myself, so I'm still going and the suburban gets in front of me. I'm thinking I'm supposed to follow.

   The "spirit" tells me I'm supposed to follow them or Christ to Washington D.C. to save the president from a terrorist attack. I'm driving and following the suburban for a while and then I'm going and I heard a loud pop and it sounded like a gunshot. There is this black ford focus from Iowa driving right up next to me so I thought it was that car shooting at me.  I sped up and got closer to the pearl white suburban, because I think it is Christ protecting me. There are two more black ford focus surrounding us and a black suburban.

  I hear another loud pop and my back passenger tire blows out and I go crashing into the grassy median going about 120 mph. Luckily I never flipped. My car comes to a sudden stop in the tall grass and the voice tells me that it's Illuminati after me. Even though I have crashed and my tired are gone I put my foot down on the gas because the voice is telling me they are out to get me and that they were coming. So my car is making all these terrible noises but it is still driving. I get back on the road and my car is sparking as I'm driving down the highway.

     Slowly I gather speed until I'm going about 70 mph and the black cars are still following me. Two black cars behind me and two black cars and a suburban in front of me the two black cars behind me pass me. My car gets this sudden boost of energy and is going 100 mph again on the rims.

   My music is playing and the music is telling me to trust in God and give him the wheel. So I let go of the wheel as I pass the group of black cars my mind is telling me that there is a bomb in the black suburban and that it was heading to the white house. And that I was supposed to stop it.  I speed pass them and one of the black cars tries to run me off the road into the median, I speed pass them let go of the wheel and my car does sideways and drifts all the gravel on the side of the road up and I end up stopping in the middle of the road. And they stopped. So I put my foot back down on the gas and speed off. By the way, my car is still sparking and it's red lined.

    I'm going down the road and I see a sign on the right telling me there is an Air Force Base and the voice tells me that I'm supposed to me Donald Trump there. I keep going down the highway to get to the exit and before I get to the exit I get knocked off into a huge ditch with tall grass. It's about 15 feet down.

    I'm in my car and I'm stuck. I put my foot on the gas trying to get out of the ditch and I keep putting my car in reverse and back in drive to try to get out.

     It's not budging. I get out of my car and I can see lights and black cars coming up to the road and the highway. I'm immediately thinking that the illuminati is going to kill me if they find me so I sneak off into the tall grass as I see flashlights come just right in my direction, but they don't see me.

    I started army crawling in the grass and the voice is telling me, do you trust me? Because this is your test to see Jesus. As I'm going through the grass I can see a hotel in the distance up the hill. My mind tells me I need to get to higher ground and that the Illuminati will probably have dogs after me. So i get just far enough into the tall grass that I get up and start running.

     As I'm running I fall about 8 feet down into a drainage area. I'm looking right and there is a tunnel and I look left and there is an uphill path to the treeline. My mind tells me the tunnel is a trap so I keep running up hill.

    I can see a large tree at the far back top part of the little forest. I'm running and get to thorns and vines and I'm still going. While my mind keeps telling me "This is a test" a test to see if I should join the military in the special forces and to meet with the Savior.

   I run to the big tree, it's the biggest tree there and there is a corn field behind it. So the voice tells me I need to quickly get to the hotel before they catch me.

    So once I'm at the big tree or the "tree of life" as I was calling it in my head, I had to climb over barbed wire to get to the corn field.

    Once I climbed over it I went through the cut down section of the corn field so I ran and jumped over what I could and as I made it to the parking lot of the hotel I could see a black man dressed in red outside. As I walked through the grass between the parking lot and the corn field I saw him enter the hotel through the side of the building. So I went around the building and found a door propped open and then I entered.

     I thought to myself that I had left a marine corps sniper bullet air freshener in my car so I thought once the Illuminati looked in my car they would think that I was a sniper and that they wouldn't follow me to higher ground.

     As I walked down the hallway I thought the hotel was filled with marines so I felt safe. I could hear dogs barking and I thought maybe they were guard dogs for me. Watching over me.

    I thought that they knew I was coming so that they could make sure I was ok. I also thought each window had a marine corps. Sniper watching out for the enemy.

    So I walked up and down the halls like I was on watch for them. As I went around I kept chanting under my breath "Hoorah." And then it turned into Who? Ra. So I then felt that God or Ra was guiding me.

    I walked down to the vending machine area where the black guy I saw outside and a black lady were talking. I thought they were marine corps. Officers and that she had a special mission for me.

    They saw that my legs were bloody and asked what happened and I told them I was in a car wreck. They were like, "just now? Really? Where?" I told them down the hill by the highway. They took me to the lobby of the hotel and told the lady at the desk to call 911 and then they told me to call my nearest relative. I had lost my phone and the only person's number I had memorized was my aunt Donna's. So I called and left her a message I believe.

     The ambulance finally got there and loaded me up. They started asking me questions like if I was drinking and why I left the scene of my accident and I told them that terrorists ran me off the road and were after me.

     Somewhere in the conversation one of the paramedics asked me, "Do you realize that your car was fully inflamed and that there was nothing left of my car basically, at least inside?" My car was a total loss. I had the thought that the Illuminati had lit my car on fire to hide any evidence of me being there.

    They brought me to the O'Fallon Hospital I believe. O'Fallon Illinois. I got brought to my room on a gurney where they decided to run some tests to see if I had broken anything and to evaluate me. 

      They started asking me what happened and I told them that I was apart of the special forces and that I was a Navy Seal. I told them that I saved the president from a terrorist attack and that the terrorists blew up my car.

     Then after they ran tests they put me in scrubs. They had the chaplain come by and he asked me who I was. I asked him if he knew "what" I was and he said, "I have no idea."

(By the way I had a Superman shirt on) so I think I told them that was from a different planet and that I was a "cyborg." 

    I started moving like a robot. I even started telling them what cybords could and could not eat while they had gotten me food. Like I didn't drink coffee or tea.

     I stayed awake most of the night I think. They had an investigator come out to ask me about the people who "ran" me off the road. I just kept telling them that it was the Illuminati. I told them there were the 4 black ford focuses and a black suburban that ran me off the road.

     Obviously I was out of my mind but it felt so real to me. That morning I ended up running out of the hospital. I ran across the street to a church and was followed by hospital security. They got out of their car and told me to get on the ground. So I did at first and then as I got on my stomach I realized they were just security guards so I got up and started running down the road.

    (I have had my life threatened and I have been abused by hospital security in the past so I was afraid they were trying to hurt me.)

    In my mind I was also thinking that I was in the "North's" territory and that they were trying to stop me from my mission of protecting the president.

    I ran down the road half naked and only wearing bottom scrubs. Now the police got involved because the security guards couldn't catch me.

    I then started dodging cop after cop. There were about 8 of them or so trying to catch me. I was running down the middle of the road with traffic stopped watching me.

    I began to yell for help and I dodged a few more cops like I was a football player and they finally got me to the ground.

   Surprisingly, they were really nice about it because they knew I was probably being admitted into the hospital as a psych patient. (Hints the scrubs)

So they drove me back to the hospital and told me I had ran about 2 and a half miles dodging security and cops. I think they asked me if I was in sports and I told them I use to play rugby. (Which I actually had)

Apparently while I was dodging the cops in town I had accidently hit one of the cops in the face. They asked me, "Do you realize what you had done?" And I honestly told them I didn't remember and I apologized to the cop.

    After apologizing, they told me that they needed to transfer me and they gave me a psych "booty dart" as they are called by psych patients and I passed out.

    I woke up in the psych unit where they got me back on meds and finally got to get back home a week or so later.

    There is a little more to the psych ward story, but I'm not quite ready to share that at the moment. I did play Yahtzee and got first place in there, I will tell you that.

    Anyway this whole psychosis felt so real to me. I truly thought that I was supposed to save the president basically. That I was proving myself worthy of joining the military. Fortunately enough losing my car and everything from my laptop, phone, and more in my car wreck finally woke me up to the fact that I will never be able to join the military. After so many years of wishing and praying to be healed so I could join was now at the end of the line. I finally came into the acceptance that I needed meds and that God didn't want me to be in the military.