What is Fat?

F.A.T

Fat what is it?

Fat is my insecurities, fat is food, Fat is and always will be a part of me. I sit in my window and I see a group of friends, my friends, having fun playing games doing a lot of things without me. My insides screams "GO JOIN, THEM GO HAVE FUN, BE A PART OF SOMETHING"...

But as I start to walk towards them the FAT screams louder " NO! YOU CAN'T" THEY ONLY HANG OUT WITH YOU SO THAT YOU CAN BE THERE FAT FRIEND!!!! I think I know deep down that that's not true but that's the voice I hear.

I try and I try to lose this fat voice in a crowd but it finds me again at my weakest and drags me back inside. I feel like the fat is smothering the life out of my heart, like the walls of my body is caving in and squeezing the very life out of my soul. My lungs are filled with oil I'm drowning in a sea of Perpetual doubt no matter how much I try I cannot swim out. I can see the surface. But the Sea of fat is unrelenting and immortal. It is like a habitual offender repeating Little Words a self-hate like "you are a really pretty plus-size girl", or " do you really want to eat that", or " aren't you having health issues" or "this outfit was not made for your body type". "you can't go out there and run and play with your kids you can't exercise YOUR TOO FAT.

I hear these words of self-hate every second of every day I hear my friends say " you used to be sexy back in the day". Or if we're looking at old pictures I would hear them say "wow is that really you you used to be so pretty and thin!". I'm sick of hearing the laughing and the little comments like " you would be pretty if you lost some weight." I'm so tired of struggling to cover up my appearance for fear that I will offend someone.

Do you want to know what I see when I look into the mirror?

I see someone who is so weak-willed that she allowed herself to become so disfigured. Someone who walks a bit awkward... someone who walks in a constant cloud of judgment...

When I'm sad I eat. When I'm anxious I eat. When I'm stressed I eat. That's what everybody assumes and thinks, so it must be true but see that's where you would be wrong I do not eat all the time I might eat once a day.

I am just a big girl in a skinny obsessed world

I have such a big heart but all anyone ever sees is the fat and don't want to take time to become a part of my heart.

some people are kind to my face but the minute that someone skinnier comes along I get ignored.

When that happens the fat begins to laugh and say " HaHaHa I told you that you are too fat to have real friends!!!"

WELL I HAVE DECIDED THAT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!!!!

I HAVE DECIDED THAT I WILL NO LONGER BE CONSUMED WITH SELF LOATHING AND DOUBT!!!!!!

AND I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU!!!!!!

I AM FAT!!!

I AM FAT!!!

I AM FAT!!!

BUT I AM ALSO A MOTHER, A WIFE, A SISTER, A DAUGHTER AND I AM DAMN BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!

I have a heart so big my body grew larger to hold it

I AM BEAUTIFUL

I AM CURVY

I AM RUBENESQUE

I AM A BIG BEAUTIFUL WOMAN

I AM A LOVING KIND-HEARTED WOMAN!!!!!

My family and the people who matter love me for me not my size.

I love my self more and more every day.

I take time for myself to see my inner beauty.

I am proud of the woman I am today.

I no longer care about what people think.

I can do anything.

I. AM. FAT.