Josh’s Realization

Josh's chest puffed. He couldn't breathe normally, like something is blocking his airways. He has never felt this much anger in such a long time.

As he stood at the side of the building, he looked at the convenience store just across the street. He checked his watch. It was too early to take a coffee break but he couldn't care less. He looked at the street, both ways, and observed that there were not much people walking around. Perhaps it was the weather that day. The air was dry and the wind was not blowing. The sun also had shifted to his side of the street so the sun beat down on him like an angry fire. Josh decided to cross the street.

He didn't notice a woman had crossed the street, too, just a few steps ahead of him. He thought she looked familiar but couldn't quite place her face to anyone he knew. She wore a business suit which he thought was unfortunate because of the hot weather. Josh walked faster, without really intending to. His legs were just longer than the woman's. He opened the door of the convenience store. And just as he was about to let go of the door, he noticed the woman had already crossed the street and was also going inside the store. Josh held the door for her.

The store was empty of people, except for the two of them, another woman and the cashier. Perhaps because it wasn't coffee break yet for most of the employees of the companies around it.

He walked around the store for a while, thinking of what he might buy. The woman, on the other hand, went straight to the rack of alcohol, grabbed a small bottle of 70% isopropyl and a pack of wet wipes. As she read the wet wipes, she looked doubtful. She turned the pack over to read the back of the packaging. She put the pack back to the rack, took another pack of wet wipes of a different brand, read the back and then put it back again. This she did for about five times before getting her mobile phone and calling somebody.

"Hello, Miss Mandy?" The woman said.

Josh almost knocked over the row of chips he was standing close to. He tried to catch them before the completely fall. The woman looked up in his direction. Josh quickly turned his back to her.

"Yes, I'm here at the store," the woman continued, "yes, but I can't seem to find a wet wipes in lavender scent… I can go to another store… It's ok Miss, it won't be a bother… You are sure about that? Alright, then… Yes, I'll be up as soon as I'm done here." At that, the woman finished the call.

Josh suddenly realized where he had seen her. She's Mandy's secretary.

He followed the woman to the cashier and lined-up behind her. The woman kept making sideway glances. Josh thought he was making the woman nervous so he stepped back a bit.

Josh was thinking of something to buy from counter since he didn't get any from the racks. He then saw packs of cigarettes displayed behind the counter. It has been a long time since he had smoked. Actually, he couldn't remember the last time he did.

The woman was paying for the alcohol and the wet wipes already. Josh wondered why Mandy needed it. Maybe she got a cut? No, they have a clinic for that. He suddenly thought of Mandy. He missed her, no doubt. But she betrayed his trust and it is something he cannot let slide.

"Sir? Sir? Can I help you?" The cashier had been trying to get Josh's attention for a couple of seconds now.

Josh snapped back to reality. The woman in front of her was already done. He looked around and saw her leaving. She looked at him for a brief moment, and then quickly walked out the store.

"Sir, can I help you," the cashier impatiently repeated the question.

"Yeah, a pack of those," Josh replied as he moved forward, closer to the counter. He pointed at the pack of cigarettes he had used when he was in high school.

The lady cashier looked at him, as if studying him, She didn't look scared or anything. But she was trying to figure him out. She turned her back and reached for the pack of cigarettes. Josh heard a mumbled curse as she jumped a little to reach the pack that was on the top shelf display.

The cashier checked out the cigarette and Josh gave her a bill but then took it back.

"Do you have matches?" Josh asked, after he realized he didn't have a lighter.

"Middle aisle," replied the girl.

The woman behind Josh made a grunt as he left to get a box of matches.

Thankfully, he found it quickly and was back to the counter in no time.

"Sorry," said Josh to the woman behind her.

The woman sniffled in response.

"Sorry," Josh said again, this time to the cashier. She didn't say anything. She just took his money, punched on the register, gave him the change and bagged the cigarette and the match box. She seemed to want Josh to get out of the store as soon as possible.

Josh took the stuff he bought and went out of the store. He felt the warm air hit his face as soon as he stepped outside.

He opened the bag, took the pack of cigarette and matches out and shoved them in his jeans pocket. He threw the paper bag in the garbage bin just outside the store before he crossed the street back to the office building. He walked a couple of steps away from the building towards the smoking area on the street.

The smoking area was empty. Josh liked it that way. There was no one to talk to him, no one to bother him. It's just him and his thoughts.

He looked for the strip on the pack and found it quickly. He pulled it and it quickly tore off, opening the plastic covering of the pack. He could already smell the cigarette even if he didn't actually opened the box yet.

Josh sat down, opened the pack and took out one stick, his hands shaking. He held it between his index and middle finger. He watched the cars pass by, though they were few. He was contemplating whether to light the stick or not.

It has been years since he last puffed a cigarette. He got hooked to smoking when he was barely in his teens because of his peers. Looking back, he realized he wasn't very lucky when it came to making friends — his junior high friends, his senior high friends, his college friends, Lee, Alynna, Mandy…

Mandy. He kept seeing her face when she was introduced just a couple of minutes ago as the sole heiress of Donald Enriquez.

"That lying…" He stopped. He looked at the cigarette he was holding. He took the match box out of his pocket and shook it. He took a match stick and flicked it against the side of the box. It didn't light the first time so he flicked it again, and again. By the fourth try, the match stick broke.

"What the…" He muttered. An old lady was passing by and heard his mutter. She glanced at him and then walked away as quickly as she could.

Josh took another stick out. This time, it lit on the first try. He quickly placed the cigarette between his lips, and lit it with the match. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew and it quickly blew out the match.

Josh smelled the nasty scent of the cigarette. He coughed a little. He took it out of his mouth and just held the stick between his fingers. He looked up at the sky. It was a clear blue, almost no cloud in sight. It was the complete opposite of what he felt now — dark and cloudy.

He kept thinking why Mandy would lie to him. He kept thinking why she didn't trust him. He kept thinking why he got so mad when he found out the truth.

Was it because he felt betrayed? No, that wasn't it.

Was it because she never saw him as someone that she can trust? No, that wasn't it, either.

"Why do I feel this way? I don't remember being this angry in my entire life." He thought to himself.

All of a sudden, the events that took place last Friday, at the bar, came back to him like a flood. The moment he and Alynna arrived, when he saw Xander with Mandy, the fight that almost happened, Mandy walking away with Xander and him walking away with Alynna.

Josh realized something which might explain why he's so angry.

He's in love with Mandy.

Sure he knew that he liked Mandy. But love her? This feeling is new to Josh.

He put out the cigarette on the tray, rose up and quickly walked back to the building.

He has resolved to do something about his feelings — something daring it scared him.