This Story is Becoming a Tragedy

The thing about humans is that we hate to accept reality. We continuously live in our little comfort zone, be it a "dream" or something simply "good enough". When we start getting shoved off the plank though, we refuse to accept reality.

That's where we're terribly wrong.

Sometimes it's only by walking the plank that you can see where your true friends are, where the foes may hide, and learn from your mistakes.

And even if you do fall...

Well, that's just an opportunity to enjoy the beauty of the ocean before you pull yourself back up.

**********

Oddly enough, I felt better after making that promise to myself. I was happy and pleased that I'd be able to rely on myself no matter what other people did.

"Hey Jenny, I feel sort of hollow though," I told my friend.

Jenny the Great, as many people liked to call her, was good at giving advice. She was probably one of the people I trusted the most, someone who wasn't too naïve about the world and could give good blunt advice.

So she asked me some questions I'd long known the answers to.

"I think," she began, "You've got no huge problems and this can be fixed, but I want to ask first, do you love yourself? Do you take care of yourself? Do you like how you look, how you sound, and how you feel?"

No to all of the above.

I was unhappy with my appearance. My neck was too thick and my eyes were too small, my voice was too deep for a female, and I hated myself for being unable to move on. Everything about myself was never good enough.

After talking to Jenny for a few more minutes, I started to finish up my conversation with Alan. It was a little past 12 A.M., and I was getting up early tomorrow (as always).

"How's it going with you and Kris?" Alan texted me. I rolled my eyes and groaned, sitting up in my bed and explaining once again that I wasn't sure how I felt about Kris. Yes, Kris was a really great guy and a good friend, but he liked someone else. Plus, there was a small chance he'd actually date someone in high school. I wasn't going to chase after him anyway, as I'd already promised myself.

"If it were me, I'd chase after them if I really wanted to," Alan admitted. I smirked to myself. Yes, yet when we both liked each other, I did all of the chasing. In all honesty, it made me feel pretty miserable especially when he continuously claimed to care for me. I hated how I felt like I was the only one who was considerate and he didn't.

But this time, instead of dropping the topic at hand, I asked him the question I already knew the answer to, but a question Alex and he kept giving the wrong answer of.

"Lemme guess," I started. "You like Alex and Alex likes you."

Despite having realized the reality of things for weeks, having it confirmed felt ten times worse.

**********

"Mom, can we talk?"

I had raced downstairs at 1 A.M., unable to sleep. After stress texting Jenny for several minutes, I decided I had enough of this weakness. So I went downstairs to my dear mother. My dear mother who said I shouldn't rely on friends or anyone for anything, my dear mother who I had never relied on before even though she never betrayed me.

My eyes were filled with tears as I took a seat next to her at the dining table.

"Why are you still awake? What happened?" she asked in concern. I explained to her everything that went through my mind. How I felt like I did so many things for him but I never got repaid except for the company. How I felt so worthless and not as good as Alan, especially since someone else already liked him.

After spending a solid thirty minutes cursing Alex and Alan, she launched into an inspirational conversation with me.

"The reason you feel worthless and not good enough," she explained. "Is because you're comparing your weaknesses to their strength."

I stared at her in confusion.

"Think about it!" she exclaimed. "You go out of your way to find volunteer opportunities. You contacted the hospital so that Alan would have a chance to play there too! You forced yourself to step out of your comfort zone and joined a dance class! That's so much self-improvement! On top of that, you're better at the arts than him in every aspect."

My eyes widened.

How could someone have so much faith in me when I didn't have any faith in myself?

Something Jenny told me before suddenly rang in my mind.

"People like being around you. You're likable."

Me? Likable? Good at things?

Why was it that these people saw me to such a high standard when my reflection to me seemed so lowly?

"You're so willing to pour so much of your emotion and care onto other people because you want them to do the same for you when really, you're just relying on them too much for your own happiness," my mom said with a sad smile. "You have to start doing things that will actually make you happy instead of hoping people will make you happy."

It was 3 A.M. now.

"So you mean...I should be ruder to people. And say what I want?" I asked.

"Yes. That and you should go to bed now. I need to sleep too, you know?"

Oh, that it turns out that Jenny never went to bed after I ran downstairs to talk to my mom. So we ended up talking until around 4 A.M. about this entire situation. I explained to Jenny what my mom said and she added some advice along with that.

And that is how I skipped school the day before Thanksgiving Break began.