CHAPTER 15: Hail to the King

Goblins. Their tracks are everywhere! I'm trapped in a cave with who KNOWS how many of these foul humanoids. Plus I'm almost out of useful spells, not to mention torn up and tired. The first thing I do is put away my bow that I cast Light onto. I don't need light to think, Not yet. Plus, it's too close quarters in here for it anyway. I'll use my shield and a scimitar. It's short, curving blade will be good in the tight areas. There's no reason to think that I can't make it out of here without running into goblins, no matter how many of them there are. The first thing I'll do is set up the Alarm spell. I already used it once, but Clerics can cast certain spells as Rituals. A ritual doesn't go against the times that I can cast spells in a day. Good thing, too. Ten minutes extra is all it takes to set up an alarm around me so i can catch my breath and collect my thoughts. A short rest later, I'm feeling my way through the dark, terrified that the next section of cave wall that I grab will be a goblin's. I sure hope these things can't see in the dark. Otherwise, this sneaking around will be for nothing.

Just when I've had enough sneaking around, I move quickly in exasperation. I cast Light Into my scimitar and see a wicked face in front of me. I yelp in surprise, and a voice beside me laughs. Then it's joined by another – and another. I'm about to swing at the faces that surround me. Small but surprising hands grab me from every direction. They're still laughing and, understanding their language, i can hear them talking about eating me - and worse things.

"Wait!" I cry out, and they actually do. I guess they didn't expect me to speak their language. The only problem was that I had no idea what to say. The seconds seemed to pass like hours in the stillness of the cave as a few of the listening goblins lit torches.

"Well?", said one of the creatures.

And suddenly, I had it. I knew what to say to them to get them not to eat me. It was so simple. So elegant. So flawless.

"Please, don't eat me."

Against the backdrop of their laughter, one at least took notice. "The meat speaks Goblin. Leader would want to see this."

"Yeah!" another comes in, then turning more towards the rest of his brethren. "The Goblin King will decide what to do with you!" he cries. Among the murmurs of general assent, they begin to carry me through twisting passages amid the dank smells of the humid place that they call home. Unceremoniously, I'm thrown to the ground. "Oof!" the noise comes out of me as i hit the hard rock. Some of these vermin start laughing, but a reverent hush falls over the crowd, and in the eerie silence, the group starts parting from far away. The rhythmic sound of a step, then a click, then a step, then a click…

The whole cavern of goblins is silent as the ominous sound draws nearer. A step… then a click… then a step… then a click. And that's when I saw it.

As my eyes, barely adjusted to the dim torchlight, fasten onto the goblin leader, I see a familiar, disfigured face. Where it's nose should be, this one had a nasty scar over misshapen flesh, with two nostrils like pinpricks in its face and breath that sounds like snoring. The goblin king had a crutch on one side, where his leg ended it a stump. I knew that I shouldn't even look, but I couldn't stop staring where that leg should be. I couldn't stop staring because I knew exactly what happened. The goblin, caught in a hunter's trap, couldn't escape, so it gnawed its own leg off. I unfastened my eyes to look up to his face, and at the same time the Goblin King looked down at the stump, then back to me, with a nasty smile spreading across his face.

This was NOT going to be good.

Goblins might not be that bright, but there was something in his eyes. A sparkle of intelligence that fascinated me. One thing was for sure: he recognized me. The creatures gave him a wide berth, deferentially. He was a few feet away. I was not so sure that I could kill a goblin like him at all, much less before the others made short work of my remaining hit points. If it came to it, though, I was going to use my Guiding Bolt on him and take him down with me - or at least lay waste to as many of these scum as I could - to set the price for my life as high as possible. I gently rubbed my finger and my thumb together, imagining the feel of my axe, and opened the inventory.

The one-legged creature got a few looks from his fellow goblins when he spoke next. It wasn't the harsh grating of goblin, but a different language altogether. It was a language that I didn't understand, but one that I did recognize. The rolling 'r' sounds and sweeping vowels… The Goblin in front of me, the one that I met on the night of the fallen star… was speaking Dwarven. After saying a few words, he was silent. Waiting. And then something clicked. I nodded slowly. The smile returned to the Goblin King's face – more subtle this time.

"System," I said in my head, "Spend a Language proficiency on Dwarven".

*ting!*

"So," I said in Dwarven to the 'Goblin King', "The night of the fallen star…"

He started speaking then, in Dwarven again, but not to tell me about that night. "I have questions." he said simply. "You will answer them truthfully, and then you will die, and then we will skin you. If you lie or hold anything back, we will skin you, and then you will die."

"There's no reason that we can't be civil", I said dryly. We're both children of the System now. You and I both know how wonderful the rewards that the system gives are. I bet you've unlocked some rewards that I haven't seen… But there is no way that you have earned this." I hold a clear glass flask high in the air, having summoned it from my inventory.

*pop!*

With a flick of my thumb, the bottle came uncorked, its cap swinging limply from a string. The iridescent red liquid let its sharp odor into the air. This close, the vinegar smell was overpowering, but it was my last hope.

"Do you know what this is?", I asked. The Goblin King drew a deep breath in, and I could tell he caught the scent, because he suddenly held his breath for just a moment, and his pupils dilated so wide that his eyes were mostly black. His gaze was fixed on the potion. His face turned to me, but he couldn't stop staring at the glass container filled with red swirling liquid. The goblins around started chattering. Anything shiny was sure to attract their attention, to say nothing of a magical item. "QUIET!" barked the king in his native Goblin tongue. He was silent for only a moment before smooth Dwarven words flowed from his mouth. The words were cold, flat, and matter of fact. "You'll never leave here with that alive."

"I'm not leaving here with it at all." I said simply. "You're going to explain something to your subjects, my good King. You're going to tell them that I came here to give you this potion. Tell them we're friends. Tell them I work for you. Whatever. I don't care. But tell them that I am your guest. When I'm sure that I'm a safe and honored guest, I'm going to hand you this flask, and we'll both walk out of here. And we'll both do it on two legs."

"I have the system, too." He said coolly. "I can earn rewards."

"Sure!" I said, feeling bold under the pressure. "I've been a healer my entire life. How long will it take you to earn this?" I may have exaggerated a bit, but it had the desired effect. He slowly frowned.

"The Goblins are never going to let you out go.", he said sadly. "I am their king. But they have smelled the flesh of a human. I can't stop all of them.

"You don't have to." I said. If any amount less than most of them attacked, I liked my odds. But then another thought occurred. "I have a better idea. I can help them find a lot more food than just little-old-me. There's a town not far from here. They have something I want, and you can help me get it. With the two of us fighting, there's nothing that they can do to stop us. How could anyone? What happens to the townspeople is none of my concern. You'll feed these people for a month. Do goblins write songs? Because they'll write them about you."

I was laying it on thick, but it was working. His eyes started darting about. I could tell that he was thinking. Suddenly, his eyes snapped back to me, and I knew that I had him. I smiled. He smiled. I held out my empty hand for him to shake. Low guttural growls sounded from some of the Goblin King's subjects sounded around us. "Your word as King?", I asked.

"My word as King." He said, quickly, before switching back to Goblin speak. "Welcome honored guest, and deliverer of man-flesh!". He spoke in a bellowing voice for the benefit of his subjects, and he was good to his word. He told them about how I was going to lead the attack on the nearby settlement. How he was the greatest Goblin ever to lead, and how even humans recognized his authority. On cue, I gave a little bow. The goblins, some cheering, some with eyes popping out of their heads listened, dumbfounded. "We will fight and slay and feast for nights on end!" he was saying. A few of his subjects started making grunts of approval, and as his speech went on, the grunts turned into cheers. One by one, the red indicators above their heads disappeared, until no one in the cave was my enemy. A solemn look came over the face of the Goblin King as he looked to me, and I to him. He nodded, almost imperceptibly, and I returned the gesture. Then I handed over the potion. Like he was dying of thirst he drank it.

"All Hail the Goblin King!", I shouted. The bellows got even louder, to a crescendo of cheers. Then a solemn hush fell over the crowd as murmurs spread among them. They were watching, in awe, as the Goblin King's leg regrew.