RTYY 185 - Why Are You Any Different?

They reappeared in the middle of nowhere, Snow concluded taking a step back and looking around. He had expected to find himself in another village, surrounded by people, but all he could see was an endless, vast plain of brown, deserted land.

"Dryriver is a smaller community. There's no way we'll pass unnoticed if we simply appear in the middle of the village," ZaiWin explained, answering his silent question, and Snow nodded, following him when he started walking, apparently towards nothing.

"Azure …?" he dared call in a whispered voice and the man walking in front of him instinctively turned back, as if replying to his own name.

For a moment they just stood there, staring at each other, until ZaiWin finally averted his gaze, looking uncharacteristically embarrassed.

"Oh, you're wondering about the name," he concluded, scratching the back of his neck. "It was ZenTar's silly idea. Back then, when I first took charge of Nox, I was just a kid. And Nox was a land where the strongest ruled, means to achieve other people's respect and recognition didn't matter at all. So, of course, no one would take me seriously. Quite the contrary. Suddenly announcing out in the open that they should all bow down and obey to six-year-old kid would only make them want me dead, the sooner the better. So ZenTar took the lead, so to speak. He, at least, was a seasoned soldier from a renowned Clan, used to dealing with the kind of people that had, in time, taken over the land. And so we inverted our roles. He became the master and I became the servant. And since people around here tend to hate nobles the moment they lay their eyes on them, in an attempt to keep me safe, he gave me a commoner's name. For once my black hair actually came in handy," he added with a hint of irony and Snow looked up at him, and at the long, glistening braid falling down his back.

"But Rain and the others … they know who you are."

"Yes, well. Because we only came up with this idea after we met them. In fact, it was because we met them that we understood that there was no way that the people of Nox would simply accept me as their new Governor. ZenTar and I, we both learned a lot from that bastard Grisly," ZaiWin replied with a bitter smirk.

So that was what he called having been stabbed with a bloody sword and been left for dead inside a dark cave, Snow thought, feeling angry at the mere recollection of that.

And yet …

"I like it …"

ZaiWin looked back with a raised eyebrow and Snow averted his gaze.

"The name … Azure … like your eyes …" he mumbled, which brought a smile to ZaiWin's lips.

He had never thought of his fake name as anything more than something useful and needed, and, at the same time, as ZenTar's way to make fun of him. But suddenly, now that he thought about it, it actually didn't sound all that bad.

The light frown on Snow's forehead, however, told him he wasn't done yet.

"Yesterday … why did you lie?" he finally asked, his pale gaze looking straight at him, and ZaiWin sighed. So that was what had been tumbling inside his head.

"About the fact that our bond was actually successfully broken?" he wanted to make sure, and the unwavering way Snow kept looking at him was confirmation enough. "I figured it wasn't important, considering what we were discussing. And I had the feeling you wouldn't like me telling them."

Snow stopped walking and lowered his gaze, his entire body growing tense.

"I don't understand … any of this …" he muttered between clenched teeth, squeezing his hands into tight fists. "I can see that I am … different. I can understand what you and VinWei said, about who I'm supposed to be. But this … bond… I can't understand it at all … I can't understand how it came to be. You all told me that it was because I somehow knelt in front of you. But then you said that the kneeling was just a … recognition of what was already there. And so I just can't understand how … it was restored …"

"Would you prefer it hadn't?"

Snow turned his face away, the frown on his forehead deepening.

"That's not what I meant … I just can't understand. You all say … this was all my doing. That I chose you."

"You did choose me," ZaiWin declared without the shadow of a doubt in his voice, but the resentment that had always accompanied those words was surprisingly gone, Snow realized with a bit of a shock.

"How?"

"You saved my life."

Snow looked up at him, clearly doubting his words.

"I saved many people's lives … Even lives that I didn't want to save."

A small smile touched ZaiWin's lips.

"So you did."

"Why are you any different from all of them?"

"Now that's the real question, isn't it?" ZaiWin wondered back. "You asked how. But my question has always been why. But no matter if we have the answers to those questions or not, the fact that we're stuck together will never change."

"Do you also believe I wouldn't be able to live without it?"

ZaiWin looked into those pale eyes, full of distrust and hurt, and sighed.

"No. I guess you probably would have been fine on your own, if our paths had never crossed," he replied and Snow's eyes widened in disbelief. "But even though I never really believed any of that crap, about fate and Heavens' blessings, I'm starting to think that our paths crossing was inevitable. I never wished to be granted a Celestial. You never even knew what a Celestial was, much less the meaning of finding a Chosen One. And yet we both happened to be in the same place, at the same time. I saved your life, and you saved my life in return," ZaiWin declared, remembering the small, dirty child he had saved from a flying arrow.

He had really changed, ZaiWin thought, looking at the boy now standing before him. Which was inevitable. His only regret was that, back then, he hadn't hold on to him, instead of sending him on his way. He should have at least accompanied him back to Woodbridge. He should have taken him and Sand under his wing right from that moment. Because he hadn't been able to do so, because he had been too centered in his own problems, the small child that had helped him and cared for him had been made a prisoner and tortured for years. Of course he had changed, the eyes looking at him now colder and distrustful, the bright smile that had once taken over his small face even though his life hadn't been easy, now completely gone. He had failed him terribly, but that would never happen again.

"I know I said a lot of things, and I won't deny them now. I never wanted a Celestial and I truly dislike the whole lot of them. But if it's you, Snow, I am willing to try and somehow make this work." Snow lowered his head, clearly disturbed and uneasy at the sound of those words, and ZaiWin sighed, grabbing his hand. "Come. We can already see it. Dryriver is just ahead."

Snow stumbled forward, when the warm hand holding his pulled him to resume walking, and followed ZaiWin in silence.

It was true. He could already see the small gathering of brown houses, and the rectangular patches of land covered in green, that heavily contrasted with the arid, brownish scenery surrounding them. And yet his gaze ended up falling on the warm, large hand holding his.

Make this work … What did that even mean? Was he saying that he was willing to keep him by his side for the rest of his life, as if he were some stray dog that had unexpectedly crossed his path and that he had decided to keep? After all, it was either that or ZaiWin would probably have to kill him. Had the hatred ZaiWin felt towards all Celestials turned into pity because he had learned about Snow's past? Because unlike other Celestials he hadn't been raised within the comfortable, safe walls of the Temple?

He didn't want that!, Snow decided, his chest hurting, his throat constricting. He didn't want that man to feel sorry for him! He didn't want his pity! He wanted much more than that, he realized, his heart beating faster inside his chest. He wanted to find the right words to explain it, but couldn't. But the mere thought that he might be being pitied left an empty, painful feeling in his chest. It felt really lonely and sad. Nothing like the warmth he had felt while lying beside him in that freezing cave.

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*Sigh. It really won't be easy to change Snow's mindset about how other people, especially ZaiWin, see him. But at least he's finally discovering his own will 😊