RTYY 251 - Guarding a Precious Heart

Once inside the bedroom, Snow's hands silently squeezed his clothes even harder. And so, since he clearly didn't want to be set down just yet, ZaiWin obediently carried him all the way to the bed, where he sat down, settling him on his lap.

Straddling his legs, Snow finally released him. Instead, he simply dropped his forehead against ZaiWin's chest.

Maybe he was really too tired, ZaiWin thought, worry creeping back inside his chest. ZaiWin really wanted to hug him, to crush that tender body against his, to lay him on that bed and kiss him until he couldn't breathe, until he looked up at him with that enthralling gaze, the same he got every time he lost himself to pleasure. Just thinking about it was enough to arouse him, heat coursing through his body, his heart pounding hard against his chest. Above all, he missed the pleading, whispered sound of his real name in Snow's soft voice.

Instead, ZaiWin simply raised a hand and buried his fingers into his soft hair.

Even though his desire for the boy innocently sitting on his lap was so strong that he could barely contain it, he knew that, right now, Snow's mind was as far from such things as it could get. Sure, he had openly asked for his attention, even for his touch. But that was only because he was feeling overwhelmed by everything that had happened, by everything VinWei had told him, by being forced to face Storm so soon. He felt insecure, of that much ZaiWin was certain. And ZaiWin would have to be contented in knowing that the boy felt enough for him to have the courage to reach out and allow him to see through his usual strong facade, directly into how vulnerable he felt.

"Do you really expect me to behave like that …?" Snow finally asked, his voice so small that ZaiWin could only hear it because they were surrounded by silence.

So that's what worried him the most, ZaiWin thought, taking a deep breath. Well, he should have guessed. Even now, after all they'd been through, after all that had been said, Snow kept resisting the undeniable intensity of what they shared. More than anything, ZaiWin knew he didn't want to lose his freedom, now that he'd finally attained it, after so many years of terrible confinement. And so Snow would instinctively push away anything that might threaten his ability to simply get up and walk away. ZaiWin included.

Gently cupping his cool cheeks, ZaiWin made him raise his head and look up at him. He really, really wanted to kiss those uncertain lips until he melted against his mouth. Instead, he took a deep breath and forced his mind to worry about what Snow needed, instead of his own needs and desires.

"I expect you to always behave like yourself," he reassured him. "But I need to ask you to pretend a bit, in front of other people. It's the same for me. Once we enter the Palace I too, will have to pretend to be someone I'm not. You will probably feel very disappointed in me, then …" ZaiWin added, releasing him, his heart sinking.

"I know who you are," Snow simply stated. And those mere words were enough to return a small smile to ZaiWin's lips.

"So you've told me. I just hope that the idea that you have of me doesn't change. The same way I hope you never change," he added, gently straightening an unruly lock of silver hair. "Don't allow them to get to you. No matter what they say, never allow them to sadden you, to shame you or hurt you. And if you do feel hurt, never allow them to see it. They will only use that to hurt you even more. My only wish is that you can always protect this heart of yours," ZaiWin sighed, pressing his hand against Snow's chest. "My greatest fear is that, because of me, because I'm dragging you into all of this, you'll end up losing yourself."

Snow looked down at the big hand still pressed against his chest. He could feel its warmth seeping through his clothes, slowly warming his heart as well. Placing his much colder hand over it, he firmly held it in place.

"You protect it, then."

The long fingers he now held spasmed at the sound of those words.

"I don't know if I can …" he admitted and Snow bent his head, searching for ZaiWin's avoiding gaze.

"You are my Chosen One."

ZaiWin nodded, still refusing to face him.

"And I know that you see me as this strong, invincible person. But I'm none of that. I'm a nobody. And I will have to drag myself on my hands and knees the moment I set foot in that Palace."

"So do it, if you feel you must. Don't do it, if your heart is against it," Snow declared and ZaiWin finally raised his head to face him.

"I would get us both killed."

"And what's the problem with that?"

ZaiWin's blue eyes widened in shock and disbelief. Not at those words, or at the nonchalant tone of Snow's voice. But at the unwavering, intense way he kept looking at him.

"I really, really want to live," Snow went on. "But I'm not afraid of dying either. All those days, locked in that bedroom, chained to that bed, the most wretched, frightening thing weren't those men and women, or what they did to me. Weren't the pain and shame I had to endure on a daily basis. The worst thing of all was knowing that there was nothing I could do about any of that. The drugs wouldn't even allow me to scream or cry. Lying on that bed, I was nothing, just a commodity, just an object for others to do as they pleased. And yet, I was alive. I was alive but not even my life was my own. I couldn't even put an end to it, if I wanted to. I rather die, than having to ever feel like that again. So what if you get us both killed? I would die with a smile on my face. Knowing that, unlike me, you at least were able to free yourself from your chains."

ZaiWin blinked. His eyes were stinging. And only then he felt the warm tears that slid down his face.

"Shit!" he grumbled, quickly turning his face away, rubbing his eyes on one sleeve. And Snow couldn't help smile, seeing how even the back of his ears had reddened from embarrassment.

Raising a hand, he did what ZaiWin always did to him, gently patting his head as if he were no more than a child.

"You asked me to choose you and I chose you. Unless you decide you don't want me anymore, I will live with you, and I will die with you. Isn't that what you meant when you asked that of me?"

ZaiWin nodded, his arm still shielding his face.

"Because I'm selfish …"

"And egotistical, impulsive and stubborn," Snow added in an amused tone. "Even though you always look serious, cool, and composed all the time, I've known that since the first moment I saw you."

ZaiWin's arms surrounded him and pulled him into a tight embrace. His body was so warm that, for a moment, the feeling of it pressed against him stole Snow's breath away. But then all he could see was that child, wounded and in pain, alone in that dark cave, mortally wounded and left to fend for himself. Even now, ZaiWin was still that child. Unable to trust the world around him, unwilling to worry or weigh on the very few he trusted, trying to solve and be responsible for everything on his own. Hugging him back, Snow gently caressed that wide, bent back.

"Also, never forget. I may be yours. But you are mine as well."

ZaiWin nodded obediently, his forehead resting on Snow's shoulder.

"I too, wish to protect your heart," Snow added. Somehow he knew all too well that ZaiWin had been hurt and tormented more than enough for a lifetime. "And I know there's not much I can do …"

ZaiWin's arms squeezed him a bit harder, almost cutting the airflow to his lungs, molding their bodies together, and Snow couldn't help gasp in surprise. Something hard was pressing against him down there, he realized, his eyes widening and his cheeks burning the instant his mind could decipher what it was.

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Language

ZaiWin: Literally zai (blade) + win (chaos).

VinWei: Literally vin (hard) + wei (crystal)