Be Normal

She stood there, still stooped over with her legs bare, unable to comprehend what had just happened. "He just feels sorry for me? All of his friends talk about me? What's wrong with my music and clothes? I guess... I really am that bad aren't I? Look at what I've done... I even felt relief when I was doing it! I really am crazy!" She rushed to the nearest bathroom and locked herself in a stall and cried. "I can't believe I didn't realize. I'm insane and he alone can stand to be around me. How does he even put up with me? I bother him all the time and I'm so needy. He is always going out of his way for me and I keep causing him problems." Even Jen had been avoiding her lately. What would she do if she lost Matt? She would be utterly alone. Nothing but her parents and the beatings. No one to talk to or smile with. She had to regain control of herself somehow.. But did she even have control of herself to begin with? "How much of myself has always been this way? Have I been crazy all along and I just didn't realize it? I have to hide this! I have to figure out a way to seem normal!" The next few days were a swirl of confusion and paranoia for her. She was afraid that everything she was doing or saying was wrong. She didn't know what it was like to be normal and she tried her best to imitate what she thought would make Matt happy. She tried to talk to Jen about everything but Jen was having more family problems and Dawn didn't want to bother her. She found herself taking longer trips in the evening now. Instead of just throwing up her dinner, she would take breaks under the large tree and cut her legs. She was afraid Matt would see and be angry so she started cutting up her thighs instead. She found that when she was cutting, she was more at peace than she had been in a long time. She knew she was losing her grip on sanity but she didn't know what else she could do. She couldn't deal with the emotional sorrow she held and could only relieve it with physical sorrow instead.