Chapter Two

We all started to walk to Rose's home. She has a nice house. It is a somewhat small home. The front yard is covered in trees shading the house. She still takes care of the roses we planted for her on her fourth birthday. We have known each other since we were two. My mother left me on the playground. She went out with some boy. 

Rosy and her mother found me. And they took care of me. They feed me, gave my clothing to wear. And they respected that I didn't like brighter clothing. I did have to wear a pastel pink dress once. That day they asked if I would go to church with them. I, of course, said yes. It was amazing. My mother took a week to get me. She looked so hungover. It was scary for me. 

    We found her tending to the flowers. We walked over and asked her if she was doing any better. She said yes but just in case I bent down and felt her forehead. She felt worse. I guess she just couldn't help but come out here then.

She was very kind to me. But I knew they were all silently judging me. That is the only part I hated. "You shouldn't be out here you should be resting. You feel much worse." I told her. "Why did you come out here?"

    "The flowers. Every time I am sick I like tending to the flowers. It makes me feel better. Also when you guys are gone I feel so lonely. Nothing else is here. Look," she pointed to the orange roses. "Remember when we planted those. Right after mother's funeral. I loved the thought of them. And somehow you remembered that orange was her favorite color. I love having something to remember her by around the house. Even if it an orangey color." She finished saying.

    "Yeah, her beautiful orange" I said, " I remember. That day I actually felt bad for someone's death. Your mother was very kind to me. I miss her. And I wish she could help me with math still." I heard Rose chuckle. " I mean no one is willing to help me with math anymore. Am I that bad? Like jeez." I said.

    "I could teach you." Jake said.

    " I don't think you are a very good teacher. Also we would get way to sidetracked. I would learn nothing." I said as a reply. "Either way would you give me ice cream once I did all of my stuff by myself?"

    "Yes. Yes I would. You name the flavor and I will get it." He said.

"Um, dude, that is a nice offer, but you know ice cream can get expensive." Oliver said. Walking over to Rose. "Come on rose, you need to get back inside. I will make you something if you would like. Ashleen could read to all of us. Like little kids again. And I promise we will keep you in the living room so you can see through the window and look outside. Anything else we should do?"

    "Yeah, I need all of you to stay till Ash says I am good to leave." Rosy answered.

    "I think we can all do that." Jake said. He walked over to where the rest of us were standing and picked Rose up. In like a princess hold. She looked surprised at first, but she seemed like it after a while. She wrapped her arms around his neck and kicked her foot out.

    "Take me away!" She said laughing. She had gotten the rest of us to laugh too. But then she started coughing. I looked at Jake and nodded. He was starting to take her inside. Rose started wriggling in his arms, trying to get out.

"Calm  down would  you I am going  to put you on the  couch! Jeez, when I pick  her up she does the same  thing," she nodded towards me. "Well  she sometimes does, other times I think  she likes it." He said looking at me grinning. I  looked away, my cheeks were getting warm. It was obvious  Oliver noticed. He began to smile at me. And he mouthing the  words, you wove him, to me. Thanks Oly!

"Oh  she does?"  Rose said after a few moments. "I mean I have always guessed, but wow Ash. You like it when he is holding you. Man, what happens when he comes over to your house and we aren't there?" Rosy said while Jake sat her down on the couch. Jake stood close to me. And Oly sat on the couch next to Rose.

   "Nothing happens." I said, " I mean, I usually act like a jerk to him, but you know I always do. He also likes to make fun of me so you can't say nothin'." I said to the two on the couch. My cheeks got a little warm. However they do this often. So I should be fine. "I mean after all you two seem to like spending time together." I muttered to myself.

"Rose, hungry?" Jake asked her.

"Yeah," she replied, "would you mind making me something?"

"Not at all," said Oliver getting up from the couch, "What ya want?"

"Potato soup!" Rose said losing her voice. "Make some for everyone! I know we all like it. Now what movie should we watch?" She asked all of us.

"We could see if there is anything new on Netflix. But I kinda wanna watch a children's movie." I said.

"Disney!" Jake yelled. Rose cupped her ears. "Oh sorry Rose. 

"It's fine" 

"Jake, you are such a kid. " I said.

"Isn't that why you brought me into your little group of friends? He got a little closer."Either way. You need me. Who is gonna make you wait by the gate. And who will make you lighten up a little. See, Rosy over there doesn't feel well and I can make her laugh. Laughter is the best medicine." He said. 

    "Laughter never helped me when I was sick." I said turning around. 

    "That is because you have never really, really laughed when you were sick. Okay I take that back. You never let us see you when you are sick so we can't make you laugh and we can't help you. The only time I have seen you somewhat sick is when you were taking care of me, and I got you sick. And even though you had gotten sick you still took care of me. And even then you wouldn't let me take care of you. I didn't even really see you that day. You mainly took care of me when I was asleep!" He said this walking in front of me trying to see my face I guess.

    "Okay, how did that make any sense. Maybe if you wouldn't think of why I wouldn't let any of you see me when I was sick, you would understand why I would never let any of you try to make me laugh." I looked him dead in the eyes when I said this. I heard rose groan on the couch, I looked over a she was dozing off. I walked over and tapped her shoulder. "Hey, you have to stay awake a little longer. You can go to bed soon. But you have to eat your soup, and most importantly you have to watch a movie with us. We'll let you pick." When I got up to go to the kitchen, my body became very heavy. I almost fell over on Rose.

    Jut to be clear this happens a lot. Where out of nowhere my body gets heavy, I become very dizzy, and I lose sight. My eyes started to sting  It isn't really fun. It even happens in school sometimes. It only happens when I am very stressed out though. Witch is why I try not to talk to most people. Passing out isn't what gets to me. It is the fact that I can't stop it. And I can pass out anywhere. Anyone's home, street, school, the store, the sidewalk, I have even passed out in the bathroom. When this happens I am as lost as a child in the dark.Me doing this, the fainting has caused many people to worry about me. I have made a child cry  And because the child started to cry the mother got even more worried. That whole day was just a mess. (But they bought me some Ice cream and asked if I wanted to go to the park with them. I said yes so I had a new kid best friends ) Also to be clear I did get my balance back. 

    The boys were in the kitchen so they didn't see anything good. "Hey, Oliver!" Rose shouted. "Could you help Ash sit down. Also could you get her a cold drink. Thank you."

    Oly came into the living room and "helped" me sit down. ( By helped I mean he picked me up and laid me on the other couch.) "Just lay down I will get  you a drink." 

    "Sorry." I said. Rose got up and laid down with me. She stayed with her head buried in the blankets. "Sorry for almost falling on top of you." I told her.

    "No you're fine I know you can't stop it. And sorry if I get you sick." She said trying to get me to snuggle her. 

    "If I do get sick I'll be fine. Also why are you trying to sleep on me?"

    "You are comfortable and I am not going to sleep on either of the guys." She said.

    "You could always just ask Oly. I am sure he would let you. " I said laughing a little.

    "Ash!" She yelled at me, laughing a little too. 

    Oly came back into the living room holding a cup of ice water for me. I took it and drank it all. Oly asked us what we were talking about and Rose put her hand over my mouth before I could tell him. I think she really does like him. This could really work in my favor. 

    Oliver soon walked back into the kitchen. He said the food was almost ready. Good for me, I am sure to leave soon. As he went back into the kitchen Rose got up and went to her room, I think she was changing. She has been wearing the same thing for two days. When she went to the back I got up and went to the kitchen. I told them that they would only need three bowls. He asked me if "I do math good" I told him I do fine. I don't think he believed me, but he sticks with only three bowls. Rose came back to the living room not a minute when I entered. I hadn't even sat down yet.

    She asked me why I had got up and I said to tell Jake something. She took the hint. Usually when I say "something" that means I won't tell you. Jake came into the living room balancing three bowls on his arms. It looked like he was going to drop all of them, but he managed to set them all on the table without spilling any. Good for him. Oliver took two of the bowls and handed one to Rose. Jake took the last one. 

    "Jake why did you only make three bowls?" Oliver asked.

    "Ash said only make three. I didn't really bother to ask why, sorry."

    "Ashleen eat something." Rose said.

    "Look I had a pretty big lunch okay." I said.

    "Ashleen you weren't at lunch. I didn't see you anywhere. You left." Jake said. The room went quiet as they all looked at me waiting for  response.

    "I was in the bathroom eating. I don't like being around so many people. Sorry." I said.

    This wasn't a complete lie. I was in the bathroom. I can't stand to be around people for too long. It makes me, off. I don't know how to describe it. I just lose it. My thoughts become all cluttered. I can't think straight and I feel everyone who is laughing is laughing at me, something I'm doing. My head starts to ponder everything, and sometimes I get the urge to cry. It hurts. My eyes and my body. I never know when I will feel this and when I will be fine. It really does suck. 

For people who think I just do this for attention. I swear I don't do this for attention. If I did I would talk about how this makes people worry about me. And sure people do, but this is more than just people worrying. I know sometimes I black out, I talked about how it worries people. That is the only thing that really, really affects me. Because no one would force themselves to faint for attention. Because the people who want attention don't want to get hurt either.

    Anyway, you don't need to know any of this. To be clear I haven't eaten all day. In fact I haven't eaten a real meal in four days. And it really hasn't hurt me. I have been fine, I guess. I have a higher chance of fainting today. 

    "Hey guys I have to leave soon. I have to practice more math. My grade is dropping again." 

"If only math didn't exist. "

"The world would be a better place", I dramatically said. I handed the remote to Rose. "I know I haven't been here long, but I really do need to practice. Sorry. Bye guys."

"Hey Ash." 

"Yes Rosy cheeks?" I sighed kind of predicting what she is going to say next.

"Please eat." Rose said turning her hear to meet my gaze. Her eyes already look sorrowful. It made me feel bad. Her eyes though have that effect for everyone though. . 

"I'll try."

 Both of the boys were just staring at their bowls and each other. I seem to worry them. A lot. I should actually try to eat. Good thing I told Rose that I will try, even if I don't I have the boys as witnesses.

As I left, I walked over to the flower bed. I loved that flower bed. We all had planted a certain flower there. Rose had red roses, I had pastel green roses, (We wanted them to be roses because it was ROSE'S house) Jake had black roses, and Oliver had blue roses. Nothing really matched. It was just a blob of colors. But we all loved it. And her neighbors even said it looked great. It better look great, I had to help Jake and Oly plant theirs. The day we all found all they couldn't plant to save anyones life. 

I bent down to smell the flowers. I'm aware it is a very childish thing to do, but it always takes me back to when we were just a little younger. I have always loved to smell the roses. Any type of rose will take me back to when we were younger. I find that there is nothing to live for now. The present is very dull. Well, most of the time it is. Isn't it funny. When we are little we can't wait to get older. To drive, To have are own money. But, when you get just a little bit older and you see what life will be you no longer want to live for it. You just want to be a kid again when even a straight line could tell you an entire story. The only reason I still have an imagination is because of the roses.

My teachers, classmates, friends, random people, plenty of adults,doctors of all kinds, and my therapist they all say it is a bad thing to stick with the past.

When I got done smelling the flowers I walked over to the sidewalk. It was nearly dark, the sun was almost done setting. Sometimes I hate the fall. Mother has always said get home before dark. Even though she is never there before dark. I searched my pockets for my earbuds. They were so deep inside of my pocket that it was getting my hands out. 

    Have you ever thought what it would be like to have your hands stuck in your pocket. What if you have to pop your hand off? You would have to get all bloody. What if you had a box of bandages with you? You could patch it with that. But when you would take the bandages off they would tear more of your flesh. But what if you popped your wrist out of place. So your hand and your arm wouldn't be connected by bone, only the flesh. Either way you might want to grab things from your pocket with your non dominant hand.

   I grabbed my phone from my back pocket and hooked up to the earbuds. And as you can guess I started to listen to my playlist. I listen to music so often if I wanted I couldn't even call it a hobby. It has gotten my mother mad. I try to block her out a lot. And if I have my headphones or earbuds out that would most likely mean she is out and I am listening to my music without them, or I am listening to the radio.

     My mother has never been around much. And really I love being alone. It is one of the things I am most comfortable with. I am okay with feeling lonely. Honestly if Rose had never bothered me so much on the playground I wouldn't have any of friends today. Well, she wanted me on the playground with her at all times. She was lonely too. I loved being alone she hated it. Not the best combination, but it has worked out I guess. It worked out well enough I mean.

     As I was walking home, I thought about how things have gotten. My thoughts change with each song. The softer the song, the more my thoughts come in order. That is a nice change since I usually think thousands of thoughts a second, and they are all just shooting at me. The rougher the song the worse I think. That hurts, but I have always thought that I deserve the worst. This is how I get what I deserve I guess. I shouldn't be telling you this. Why am I telling you this? Ugh, they told me to be careful typing this. To be clear I am sitting on my bed typing all of this. Well I change where I am sometimes. Like I might be in the bathroom, my desk, my brother's old room, the kitchen. I will Type this wherever. Where I am changes my mood. That was like a warning for things.

    Anyway when I was walking home it got really dark and I still had a few miles to go. I turned off my music and listened to the crickets. I know (whomever is reading this) you think I am really weird, but seriously it helps me stay in touch with where I am. Listening to the sounds around me lets me know when I will get to where I need to go,  where I am now, and how far home should be. I think everyone should do this once and awhile. It could help. No one else was to be seen. It was like 7:20 everyone is at home, at a store, or out to eat. I shouldn't run into anyone. At least I hope so. The walk home usually feels like hours, but I love it anyway. This is my time alone. No one can tell me to watch out for this and that, no one can make me think things no one should ever think, and no one can leave me. This is what I live for. The times when I am alone. The times of clouding silence. This is why I haven't left yet. I am Sorry. I am so sorry.