A Poisonous Mind

*WARNING: themes of suicide, anxiety, and abuse are included in this chapter! Please DO NOT READ and skip this chapter if you're uncomfortable with these topics.*

Aim for the semester's scholar progress rankings? If everyone already knows that Elisabeth is bordering on illiteracy, doesn't that mean Professor Ophelian is setting me up for failure?

I wasn't sure whether or not Elisabeth's beloved English professor expected me to burst into tears or roll my eyes. Either way, we exchanged a little nod of minor understanding before I escaped that uncomfortable discussion.

A light wafting of our lunchtime meal breezed through the hallways. It smelled deliciously savory. A bit of a peppery scent with a hint of what may be steak—if this world has any. The aroma was quite pleasing after a morning of my growling empty stomach. I thought the professors were speaking in gurgles before I realized it was my stomach embarrassingly voicing its "hangryness."

Ah, I was always a meat lover. I hope their cooking is substantially better than American school lunches. It would be a shame if this world didn't have steak. Some people would seriously be missing out.

I took a deep breath and exhaled, feeling all the exhaustion seeping out. Then, I started coughing from the restrictions of the corset. I covered my mouth with my elbow and gradually took softer breaths.

It's funny how even though I'm in an entirely new world, nothing seems to be phasing me... Oh, okay, maybe that wake-up slap from Elisabeth's father did shock me quite a bit. My parents have never laid a hand on me like that even though we argue often. Who would have imagined waking up in such a regal setting? Life wasn't exciting enough for me to continue living on Earth. Now, this⎯this is another kind of exhilaration.

My life on Earth was so monotonous. Waking up, going to school, studying until the sleep drained out of my body, and then taking tests! Tests...stupid things that judged your worth, and yet, it was all that mattered in my small little mind. There was no one to comfort me. My friends weren't really my friends despite the years we've spent sitting beside one another at the same lunch table. I never really knew them, and they never really knew me—not that they ever tried. The loneliness tore my mind apart. If I hadn't burned alive, tortured by the excruciating pain of death, would I have resorted to taking my life in a swifter, yet anticlimactic way?

I never would have considered drowning, but perhaps...no, let's not go there.

I remember how much the flames hurt. It hurt so much that my body became numb—immune to negative emotion and all agony.

Shivers ran up and down my spine, and my hands trembled as if I was afraid. I took a couple of slow deep breaths to soothe my poisonous mind.

That's what I've always wished for—like anyone trying to hurt themselves would've wished for. Never feeling sadness nor a pinch of pain. There was a moment of darkness, and there it was again—loneliness. I die, expecting there to be a sense of closure, but the longingness for peace and happiness thrives.

So much has happened in this world that I kind of want to stay to see how everything ends. There's the thrill of adventuring someplace where everything is unique, and it's an opportunity for me to find something that truly makes me want to live. Then again, everyone hates Elisabeth Madeline Carabell. Would I want to stay to see her fate?

In the corner of my eye, a feminine figure appeared before me in plain maid attire, her hair swept up into a neat bun perching on the very top of her head. The woman's hands were clasped tightly together at the height of her waist as she waited patiently for me.

"Teresa?" I called out as I rushed to straighten the wonky ruffles of my evergreen gown.

The stoic-looking servant nodded, her bun bouncing a bit. She gave a weak smile before letting the corners of her mouth relax. The motion was ominously unnatural. There was a dark gloom looming around her, paired with her anxious glances away from making eye contact with me. For some reason, I felt unsettled by her movements.

"Yes, my lady, I will be escorting you to the dining hall for your meal," Teresa informed me.

"Oh, you are?" I blurted without thinking. "I didn't think that you were going to."

The other students didn't have their maids follow them like a human tail to the dining hall. I just naturally assumed that it would be the same for me. It seems Elisabeth is always a special exception. It's like the "main character trope" of all those novels I've read on Earth. She's supposed to be special. But me? Playing the role of someone special?

She gazed at me confusedly. Then, she tilted her head down, as if attempting to display inferiority.

"Indeed... I am your maid. Of course, I would accompany you. Now, what would you like to do about that obnoxious boy who bothered you earlier?" she asked me.

I knitted my eyebrows together and smoothed my rosy lips into a line.

"The one that spoke to me before math class? Nothing. Why would I do anything?" I questioned her with a frown.

Teresa looked a little bewildered to hear these words come out of Elisabeth's mouth, for she fidgeted and tilted her head to the side to think.

"But, my lady, you always…I apologize. It's just a slip of the tongue. Let us proceed to the dining hall," she decided with a strange expression of uncertainty.

Teresa is acting peculiarly. I wonder why she would bring that student up. Did she expect me to punish him? Even if I am in Elisabeth's body, that doesn't mean I'll resort to her ways.

I pulled back a strand of my raven hair.

I'm not like that. I never will be.

"Hey, is there something bothering you?" I asked her with concern. "You seem a little nervous. Are you okay?"

Something in my mind is telling me she's hiding something. She appears extremely anxious.

Teresa's hands twitched as she replied, "Yes, perfectly fine, my lady."

Although she said this, her expression tells me that she's clearly lying. I watched as she reached for a handkerchief from a pocket and dabbed a bit of condensation from her face.

"Alright, I'm just worried about you. That's all," I told her with a warm smile.

"Worried, my lady?" Teresa asked, but I didn't respond.

She tugged at her sleeves as if they were bothering her, and something in her eyes felt odd. The atmosphere was thick as she followed me to the dining hall. The recurring enormous double doors greeted me when we arrived, except, they were open to welcome all students. The savory scent of delicious food washed over me. There was a grand arrangement of long tables with white tablecloths and golden embellishments. Lit candelabras ran down each of the tables alongside tableware.

Teresa and I found Elisabeth's name embellished on one of the labeled velvet-cushioned chairs at the long tables. On both armrests of the seat, there were red cloth napkins that draped over them. It was unlike the other chairs that the other students rested in. Teresa was breathing heavily and seemed to be dazed, so she didn't notice when I removed the napkins. There were words scratched in that I didn't have to look close to read.

I read the words aloud softly to myself, "Wench...whore...lowlife."

Teresa gasped and covered the armrest with the clean cloth napkin again. The other noble students took a single glance at the "artwork" on Elisabeth's chair and just turned their heads away. Their expressions showed me how much they couldn't care for Elisabeth's existence.

"My Lady, I beg forgiveness! I will find who did this and report them to the headmaster!" she exclaimed, and rushed to have a servant bring another seat to replace my vandalized one.

Teresa didn't seem so frazzled earlier. Why is she so worried?

By the time Teresa came back with the new seat, the other students were delivered their meals by multiple waiters that filed out of the kitchen area at the back of the dining hall. A tall man with a curly mustache laid down a delicious-looking plate filled with five-star worthy food. Teresa stood beside me as I reached out for the fork to eat.

"My Lady!" Teresa exclaimed once more, rushing to take the plate away. "You know the food is poisoned! I always prepare your meal separately."

"Poisoned?" I asked her.

Suddenly, she slapped her hand over her mouth. A surge of fear instantly possessed her. The waterlines of her eyes began to pool, and her hands trembled. She immediately collapsed into a kowtow as she hyperventilated in breathless gasps. My lips parted slightly, and all of my bodily motions froze.

Is she...is she having a panic attack?!

I rushed to pull her back up. She struggled against my grasp and started wailing in a tangled mess consisting of the cotton fabric of her skirt. The neat bun she had was transformed into a dark ball of loose ends hanging on her head. She grabbed onto my skirt and tugged pleadingly.

"No, no! I'm sorry... Jillian will be here soon. She's… She's coming with the food! Please believe me, my lady. Punish me, don't punish her!" she shouted desperately.

Tears began gushing down her face as she sobbed in a frenzy of terror. I loosened my grip and gaped at her bewilderedly. Other students sent me glares, but the majority of them simply ignored the scene. The dining hall's servants didn't even interfere. I squatted down, fighting my dress to stoop down to Teresa.

"What are you doing? It's not a big problem! Look, I'm not too concerned about it. I can wait, I know how to do that," I quickly said.

My words only worsened Teresa's hyperventilating. She started bowing her head over and over in a crazed trance.

She won't calm down if I speak to her like this. I have to do something!

I placed my hands in hers and gently squeezed them.

"Please don't worry about it, Teresa. I understand. You're okay, alright? I won't hurt you. I won't hurt Jillian. It's okay," I repeated softly.

Her breathing became less raspy and her wailing sobs became silent streams of tears. The two of us remained where we were for a few minutes. Then, I helped her back up and she brushed away her tears after a few deep breaths.

Out of nowhere, another servant appeared by my side, her blonde hair cropped at the shoulders and rounded baby blue eyes—unlike Prince Caydel's vibrant irises. She was shorter than me, but her small stature made her seem adorable. In her hands, she presented a platter with a domed cover. She instantly dropped it, letting the contents splatter on the ground, and rushed to Teresa. I was still recuperating from Teresa's sudden meltdown, and it didn't help that this maid had jumped onto her without warning.

"Terrie!" she exclaimed, her voice sweet, but worried.

One of the other students came by and sneered at the sight of the two. "Disgusting…the Carabell maids are such a mess." She walked away before I could react.

The young maid turned to look at me, tears dripping from her light blue eyes. The longer she gazed furiously up at me, the more I noticed how perfect her facial features were.

Wow, she's such a beautiful girl. She has the kind of innocent baby face that some people could die for. I never thought I would be able to witness someone that mirrored the human expectations of angels. Though, if I were to be going by my research back on Earth, angels were known to look terrifying and intimidating to scare off demons. On the other hand, demons were attractive to trick humans into trusting them. There's no actual proof as to if that is true, but I'd like to think that's why Lucifer was depicted in oil paintings as a handsome man. I, however, have problems with not falling in love with gorgeous people. I guess I wouldn't do very good against an actual demon.

By then, the students at the table were finishing up and leaving to stay away from all the commotion. That's when the maid arose with her arms wrapped around Teresa. The sleeves of her servant attire were strung up, and I gasped, drawing my gloved hands to cover my mouth.