Welcome to the- wait, is that a rocket in the garden?
"Hey dad, play with me."
Inside a shed in the garden of a slightly luxurious looking house, a young child around 4 years old, and the father of said child were talking to each other.
"...Dad has no time to play with you at the moment Seth, go ask your mother."
It won't come of as a surprise, but yeah I was this 4 year old child. 4 years, 3 months and 22 days old, to be exact.
"She said I should ask you."
The young, incredibly charismatic(?) and immensely cute(??) me was asking my father to play with me. Yep, just a normal conversation between a father and a son.
"...Then what about Clyde?"
"Big bro said he's going out."
Here came the first problem. To make my dad move his ass out of his garden shed, drastic measures needed to be taken. After all this guy always tried to make excuses, or made me go ask someone else.
"Again?"
"He said he's going to seduce the girl next door."
So, counter measure number one.
"Lisa? Why call her the girl next door?"
That would be exaggerating a situation involving my safety to the max.
"She suddenly started calling me darling and demanded me to do the same to her. Also, she wanted me to sign some suspicious contract, something about a "secret marriage". Since then I'm kind of scared of her."
The truth is, for the first counter measure, I found nothing to exaggerate my safety. The internet guide hadn't said anything about such a situation though, so I improvised a little.
I thought that I could just tell him about a situation that actually happened and endangered my safety at the same time.
"...I...see. Let me guess, she saw your face?"
Here came the second problem. The questions. Right now he wanted to check if I was actually telling the truth, but since he was too lazy to actually check it, he just indirectly told me that he wanted an argument.
"Big bro and her used to play around in the house. It was inevitable."
It's good that I had prepared myself for all 346 possible questions in this situation.
"...Is that why you recently started wearing a mask even at home?"
...Well fuck.
"...maybe it was also because mom looks at me in a scary way."
Puuh, I almost didn't get the curve there.
"...Are you deliberately trying to make me mad?"
Ah shit, I think I made him mad.
"What are you saying dad? I just wanna play with you."
"Don't talk shit to me kid and don't even try that cutie patootie look, that ain't working on me."
"Tch."
"You just clicked your tongue didn't you?!"
That always works on mom. Well whatever, I never trusted internet guides anyway. Time for plan B.
"If you don't play with me Imma tell mom."
"Straight to threatening?!"
Hehehe, this always works. Now the finisher.
"If you play with me, I'm gonna tell her that I want a little sister."
3-
"DEAL!"
Wow! Faster than expected, how sexually frustrated was this man?!
"...Seems like mom doesn't let you do it lately."
"S-Shut up! It's your damn fault!"
Why... this shameless old man of mine.
"Guess a lil' sis would be too much trouble-."
"NO! PLEASE! DON'T! I'LL DO ANYTHING!"
Holy shit. Now even I was kind of feeling sad about this situation.
"Ok ok, relax old man, I just want to play with you."
"W-what do you want to p-play?"
Hehehehe, my masta plan, it's all comin' together!
"Haha, I just want to launch some fireworks with you dad."
"W-well, if it's just fireworks, I guess I do have some tim-."
"As an experiment, of course."
"WAIT! STOP! NO, I AIN'T PLAYING THESE GAMES!"
The old man suddenly started panicking and- wait was he hyperventilating right now?!
"Wowowow, stop running away dad! Hey, are you trying to kill yourself with a rake!? I promise that this time nothing will happen to you!"
With that his breathing got slower and he stopped running away.
Also, he didn't try killing himself with the rake anymore.
"R-...Really?"
He asked in such a meek and scared tone, that I actually began feeling guilty for making him that scared.
In my defence, it's not my fault he got that drone to pierce his ass the last time.
Yep, definitely, wasn't me, nope.
"...Well...maybe?"
"Why are you the one asking the question?!"
There he goes again.
*knock**knock*
Suddenly we heard somebody knocking on the door.
"Yes?"
As I asked that, an old man came in.
"...Oi ... why's there a... rocket in the garden?"
"..."
"..."
The question shut us both up.
Then.
My father looked at me, I could actually even see the tears of betrayel in his eyes.
"Y-...you said... I wouldn't get...hurt."
Shit, what are you? A little girl?!
While my old man looked at me like I had killed his whole family line off, my gramps just asked a question.
"So... yeah, when y'all are planning to migrate to the moon, don't ya dare to forget your good ol' gramps here kid."
The fuck is this guy talking about now?
"SETH!"
Ah shit, I suddenly feel weak on my feet.
The one with the voice as booming as a bear growl, but as lovely as a spring flower -well a spring flower that somewhere in her life had become a spartan, that is- was my mother.
And naturally she's a helluva milf, 'cause the trope ain't overused enough.
But for real now, I guess I really did get most of my genes from my mom, I mean, she's almost as adorable(?), cute(??) and handsome(now just stop man) as me.
But I digress.
The bear-*cough* I mean, my mother ran at us in full speed, only slowing down when she saw the giant rocket, whose tip was visible in the garden, but instantly speeding up again right after.
"SETH! There's some lil' bimbo bitch thot at our doorstep that won't go away because "her husband Seth invited her over"! Care to explain, young man?!"
Wow. I mean. Just WOW.
That crazy young girl aside, you're looking at me with quite the hungry eyes too you know?
Did I mention I was 4? I think I did. Well, doesn't seem like anybody gives a shit now, does it?
Hell, even that girl at the doorstep was at most 6.
"Dear, stop looking at Seth like that. He's still 4 you know, you shouldn't talk like that in front of him."
Dad?!
To think that he would come to my rescue, dad you're my new hero-!
"Shut it Carl."
"Y-YES MA'AM!"
"..."
"..."
Never mind, you're fucking useless.