Chapter: Unknown anxiety

Feeling exhausted after a long journey. Me and my friends are really tired. All day of unsoulful work, like I was the only girlish man trying to gag there in the rhythmic tune of my friends. Some of my fans think that I was not capable enough to be a singer, I didn't have any talents in me, I was just a hypocrite who needs a rich old woman to travel around, all my friends were talented than me but I was the bad guy who suppressing their inner voice of talents and blah...blahs carry on and on and on. Full journey was served to be a huge tragic death of mine. I lost every bit of inspiration in me. I am losing my grip here. Everyone is preferring my band members or friends only I am the left out, no one seeming to need me or care about my talents.

It was a few days trip in nowhere to somewhere, out of town where all young teens giggling all over the place, I was feeling like a drowsy grandpa after so much of truthfulness about me. No one was interested on me, why should I feel happy. All the sarcasm ate me alive out there. It was in my veins to rescue myself from rich old or young woman, I am a man of honour after all. I was not willing to share any kind of rarities or desires of my character with anyone, so they could take me to their personal pleasure house or rendezvous. I am a bit of need of a cash, that's why out of the my desperate situation, I struggled myself to educate in singing serenade, yeah, it's a rock band of my seraphim version. What!!!!! Is that odd to think rock band as a serenade singer's. Only depression of love, negligence, despair, agony for longing expected love, loneliness, what they casually convey to the teens though I like those excellent negativity in my life, so I tried it myself too but what I am hearing now, I am the reason behind our failure of band.

Trawling like an expert fisherman with my great ancestral enthusiasm of sacred pillars with confidence pool in the ocean of opportunities for somehow uplifting my career life. Things are so expensive nowadays, especially from overseas, ah, how it would be if every currency value all over the world turned into unit 1 value at market price, 1 U.S. dollar = 1 Pound = 1 Yen = 1 Dinar = 1 Indian rupee = 1 Taka then there would be no problem I guess but is it even possible? Hmmmm, poverty of my money bag eating my brain alive, no concert, only my local opportunities without any future benefits, only work like a dog, run like a horse and sleep like a giraffe or sometimes rest like a bullfrog. No signs of success. Should I make myself available for rich girls to hang around for some opportunities or cash or with some old buddies for romance? It's a perfect opportunity to start anything new. I have seen lots of romantic movies where a girl who hangs with the hero in their struggling times normally, ends up of having some kind of love affairs but who I have in my struggling life, hmmm, actually only my unpaid bills that shouting at me for my attention like five children beloved wife of mine that I managed myself to have a successful affair to have 5 kids in a row but no money, only pure tearful love of ours. How bad it can be, can be worse from that, I should think like an optimistic with my pupils positive vibes, think positive, think positive that's what they were saying but I am not finding anything close to positivity only blurry black hole that awaits in the dark for me that leads to my future. How vulnerable aren't we, as a human? Want to live but there is no hope that can be real, only hope which can be forgotten or diminished. Everyday, we wake up to think it would be a better day but end up in the arms of our comfy cheap mattress or bed to forget the humiliation we are going through every day and every time. How much we can endure in our approximate 100 years of life? I don't no any magical mathematic formulas that resulting at positive numbers. In this case, I could probably even break my own calculator that doesn't work. I think money has teeth of their own or why do we like to spend it unconditionally, I am not saying about donations or charity works but about those who have enough to waste that ended up in the trash or to nothing. Teeth that bites unconditionally, bleeding to death completely, killing the vary interest on will to live or survive, to be happy or to succeed, to be in love or to have a healthy happy family without an obesity, of course, we don't like too much fats, do we? Should I claim it's a devil's work or just an era to die for? Can't decide, born as an idiot who should I complain to but on a contrary aren't we all a killer from inside? Killer of emotions, from the day we learned to know that we all are superior animals, labelled ourselves as a human, to claim on the kingdom of lands, our throne to rule and unjust upon the other inferior animals but we do charities though, like giving opportunities to eat once a year free of charges or opportunities to hope not to get, or how should I say an opportunity to die for every once a year. No offence although it's once but it happened not a dream or game that we all loves to play around. I think, we are not capable or smart enough to give jobs to our every population in any country, out of depression, we have learned to create a beautiful dream about it. We taught ourselves how to become a superior animal among the rest, everyday to kill anyone we can rule over, can bullied around with, can suppress their malnutritioned talents to hide our own limitations then just make others to live along with their untrained, untraceable pheromones that helped them to think, may be there is a kin of something to forget. How do any killer think before gifting a death to their loved ones, or else how did they were managed to be chosen to die? There is something attractive, doesn't it? Beauty or sadness that attract any killer to kill, emotionally or physically, probably, who knows then wash their hands with antibacterial soap so we can kill more emotions, no one left as a pure soul besides a newborn baby but wait, a baby too kills emotions, doesn't it by choosing comfortable hands to lay down, sometimes they even ignore their mother too but loves the neighbor's or servants, hmmm, too much dying emotions.

As a rock star in my young adulthood, I am struggling, it's neatly and very clearly true, I just can't sit around and stay away from my people who loves to make me feel I am the only king of their senses. I love that gesture, that care and I am truly grateful for that to my audiences but it's not taking me anywhere, I can't stay forever on my teen spirit, I need to take another job as a career to take care myself slowly in my sluggish way or else old age going to be on the street of hell. I am not that much good in english that I can give english subtitles of my native language songs or making my own music videos to improve myself, nowadays, it's called viral these days which was once called free advertisement for humanitarian purposes. Competitions all over the place like a death trap, some even consider me as a lullaby singer on rocks. Not good looking either or have any kind of attractive attractions, not a single bone in my body carry the beauties that any female species can dream about, probably can have a nightmare. Thinking about switching to a part timer soloist in near future as my age rising in numbers than my fans and along with solid paid job as a career to pay my bills. Out of nowhere, a beautiful melody came to my ears, what a beautiful melody, nice and soothing for me, oh wait, isn't that my mobile, it's the latest version of it's kind, it's the sound of my mobile, it's calling me. I was in my bed early in the morning thinking vigorously about my boring career where I have to sing my same songs over and over and over again without achieving certain expectations now I even sing those songs in my sleep, probably because of it I woke up early, didn't washed my face or teeth or had any breakfast when my mobile phone started to scream over me with it's calming sound pick me up, pick me up, I am your next opportunity.

My phone rang to propose me an offer, it's a very interesting idea but I have to stay with them, for few months or probably take a year, the problems laid with the concerts, I can't attend any of those till I finished my work with them. I have to teach a little girl how to be a rock star then write her a whole album on her behalf, if I accept this proposal, rest of my life I don't have to think about my bills and expenses that's much he said, probably her father or something, very strong voice, who knows, how would he looks? He said to meet him in club where he is staying right now if I am interested on his proposal, just to ask for Mr. Pleg then they will take me to him. I was completely shocked and nervous at first, lost my vision of smartness, it was blurry at one point, I can't recall if I heard him right or wrong but I am end up liking the whole arrangement.

He was a tall handsome man of his 40's, tanned skin, hazel wood like eyes, dark golden brown hair, defining him generously as what I am seeing, he is a well known architect, successful, divorcee and a widower at the same time, when his wife Sam, I mean samantha gave him a divorce she was 7th month pregnant with his child but because of his philanthropy life of wander, she had to divorce him, she was having an affair with his secretary at that time, fate was his side I suppose, she couldn't last long after the divorce. An emergency situation occurred that made doctors to make an operation, to get the child birth earlier but only child could be saved not the mother. I asked him what was the emergency case, he said, I was told she slipped on the bathroom tube after getting her bath done. With his strongly controlled tearful eyes, he summed up his emotional malfeas. I asked him, if he and her lover were there during her operation, he said yes, her lover was there and as usual Mr. Pleg was on architectural tour in Denmark. He was handling one of his overseas client. Later, he get informed by his secretary who was his wife's lover as well but then he didn't know that trauma of his share of life. He read the official report of the doctors. She was heavily bleeding after the accident, she was screaming the whole time to save her first child not her, she was crying and murmuring, it was her fault, it was her fault, she should have more careful, she told the doctors and nurses what happened after her lover took her to hospital by an ambulance then with her own consent and her lover, they had to operate her within 10 to 15 minutes, that's why, Mr. Pleg's secretary couldn't call him on time for any further enquiries or permission for her surgery. I have no idea what to say to him or why did he cared to share his deepest darkness of life with me. Nevertheless, he even shared his reasons of why he was building his daughter's career which could be not his but his secretary's, Mr. Smith's. What I could sensed that both of them boss and secretary are a best friend, the mutual affection between two of them removed the unnecessary bulging with each other for a small reason like that. It was like both of them expecting like that from their common lover.

Aftermath, I ask him, what should be the theme or main subject of the album, should I dedicated to your wife, I mean your ex wife. He was lost in his thoughts when I asked him that, took a longer time to answer but drank a lot of liquor then I starts suggesting more, I could make a complete love story portraiture of her, a girl who falls in love at her young age to her first crush then how it ends with melancholic eyes and cheers up with new light of life to new love who makes her complete. He just couldn't believe with his own astounding eyes of my bluntly seriousness about his proposal but shyly and with unbelievably beautiful remarkable smile, he looks at me to nod in affirmation to my proposal, I really can't afford to believe why did she left him like that, it's rather harsh for a busy man like him but I am sure, she felt the same. Mr. Pleg just stays as casual as he could ever be then he says, come with me if you have nothing serious to do this rest of your day, it's afternoon already. I have to say yes to such a completely legitimate formal invitation, so I agreed to give him my idle time. My feminism flowing in me, I can feel it that's why my true lovers see a woman in a man like me, I am falling for him completely but only my inner soul mate saying no, you are a man, so hold on your thoughts about him within yourself. I know, it's natural to feel bad for a man like him, good looking, pure hearted, hardworking and passionately devoted to his ex wife who he lost because of misunderstood feelings of her probably in her rare occasions like most of the man do. I am still a newborn researcher on this lost and found love or feelings called love. I personally, think it's a sacred sport in our private vacational spot where we all like to swim till we pushed by the current shore, if we survive then we are the winner and if we not then drowned to living dead. I never could've blamed to anyone who doesn't like to cheat with their present lover like her nor like him who didn't accused his secretary for stealing his wife.

Rest of the day was splendid in one word for a rookie like me, he took me to his office where we discussed about the main theme of the first audio album of his only girl which going to be portrayed on their love story in a romantic way. He thought it would be good for his daughter too. I took a year atleast as a starter, to teach his only daughter to be the first founder of her inner nightingale, which means, to sing her secrets with feminine passion. As a man, it's a contradictory and challenging for me at the same time though I did taught little girls to sing not to scream their inner hearts out but still writing with a poetic melancholic senses of her parent's life, is a first step for me as a song writer. I am feeling relieved by this proposal. Mr. Pleg is a good man and sensibility in him is wonderfully embedded in his personality, he is not going to make fun of me like I was experienced before at my adolescent age. He made an invisible contract with me when he is going to make it a visible then he will let me know, before that I have to get ready for a long journey across the ocean in a private island where his only daughter Abatha is spending her teens spirit. I texted my friends if they need anything from me please never to get agitated and carry on without me if possible because I am out of town for personal reasons.

That day came atlast, I am now on a passenger steamer, feeling excited, at the end of my steamer journey I have to stay a night in a small motel called Royals then have to take a rental small carriage for the jetty to be there on time then again have to ride a motor launch. I am feeling a chilled thrill in my spine, it's like I am travelling for an unknown place which is waiting to be discovered by me. All the arrangements were made by Mr. Pleg, he was even sent me his car to take me to my steamer, what a man, I wish I could have more like him in my future as a client. All of my problems were taken cared of by him. I just have to reach to my destination. It's not that bad isn't it, to breathe in the sensual adversary, I am getting used to it, who knows probably I am going to end up as a home tutor who sang like a faraway nightingale not as a well known skimpy rock star.

After a long journey, I am standing on the pier, from where, I can see all the fisherman's cottages laying beside on the coastline of the beach, beautifully arranged in alignment, all the terraces are located on the back of the cottages, looking remarkably comforting for any tourists eyes, coloured by nature, seeming like all gardens welcoming me to have an evening tea with them, simply gorgeous. Moreover, on the other side of the pier, beautiful empty beach with small icecream and beverage bars, shops, waiting for me, I guess, I couldn't control the temptation behind my upcoming days. I am going to love it, I am sure, what else could I need in my idle time. My lady send me a chauffeur in their small, mini convertible, 2 doors, beige cooper's coupe. I can't feel less gratitude to Mr. Pleg and his daughter. I am going to ride that babe alone, perhaps someday may be or own it completely as my own, never thought it before but now I do. I just have a suitcase that I can easily carry and some cash to spend here, nothing more. Chauffeur introduced me to himself, I was wrongly guessed him, he was her uncle Mr. Smith, I hope it's not the same Smith, her biological actual father. Oh!! God!! why is this happening to me.

I couldn't talk any words further as I knew he is the biological father of my student. In a rush of obscurity, ah, I have forgotten to learn about my student's name. When I realised it was a great mistake, I was already on the way to my journey.

I have never imagined that the girl would be a rare darkest diamond in this island. I didn't see her mother's picture, her father didn't show me but I have never seen such but she is gorgeously beautiful and very elegant lady.

It was my first that I ever loose myself like that to anyone especially in their first appearance. Very charming and well mannered, no one could imagine that she is brought up in this island.

Her fashion sense very higher than standards as I had experienced with many other models while I was doing my concerts.

I was astonished with this young rare beauty in her lavender fog colour summer gown with all the wildest creatures. It's a forest in an island, what can I say.

Looking stunningly captivating. I can see her whole figure by the limelight of the sunset.

Thin satin fabric trying to grab her body whenever he could. The fabric has to be he or else it would not take a chance like that. The ups and downs of her whole body is breathing to me like a fresh wild flower.

Rhythm in her whole body reminding me of a sitar, the instrument that was invented in India but rare in other countries. Sitar that's been waiting to be played.

I don't know what happened to me but I think I am in love with her first sight.

Is it a love or crush or a cruel love story that's not going to happen who knows but I am drunk by her sweet whispering voice, it was like hymn. I want to listen her more. Thanks to her father that I have the chance to teach such a beautiful step daughter of him.

I am staying in their beach house, the decor of the house done with hand crafted bamboo furnishings. The is no place without those things. Even the show pieces or the fountain or monument is made of bamboo. The whole place is glowing with yellowish golden beige ish colour shades, vibrant with cultural style, beautiful what it is, in simple reasonable style of livings, no extravagance.

My room is with a view of the ocean line. Soft breeze from the open ocean, gentle smell of the sand, salty water and the trees are very nostalgic to me. Missing someone who I never met till now...Abatha.

She reminding me of someone who I met in my childhood. Her long shiny hair captured my inner spirit at first, then her curvy appearance in her slightly smoked brown skin tone took my first innocent heart away. She was in her 15 years but still felt like a young woman. She was sweet to everyone she ever came cross. Her gentle smile refreshes everyone's life in a second, her presence was a beautiful ambiguity.

She was the meaning of quality peacefulness in my life. Her smell took my breath away everytime whenever she crossed me sideways of our high school. She never noticed me that much but she was my only light in my darkest despair.

I was the young writer then, as everyone needed aspirations in their life, I had her, only her and still I write about her my inspiration.

As I was thinking of her while seeing Abatha on the beach playing volleyball with little kids, her bronze colour skin under the sunlight was my favourite portrays of her for that moment. Her skin seems glossy on the steamy sand of the beach. Curve that started from the chest line beautifully ended underneath her evening gown. She wrapped up her gown from the lower end and tugged it in to her pwaist belt. She is so happy, giggling all the way, from heat of her, sweating like a dew drops in an early morning of the lotus, her blushed cheeks looking more cuter than she normally is.

She is so much like her, a little water accidentally came out from my one eyes, astonishingly enough for me though too. I couldn't know that when it fells upon but I never realized that I was missing her so much.

I woke myself up from my day dreaming then went to have a good bath. It was a very long journey, I need a good rest after that and get back to Abatha, only my Abatha.

I still can't shake her off from myself. I close my eyes there she is infront of me just like the first I met her, Yuna.....

She was a very jolly girl, talks with everyone she ever knew, oneday she talked with me too.

I was suffering from amnesia for some reason then, I still can feel that moment, my heart was pounding like a horse race, my body was stiff like a wood, all my blood was gone, at that time she was forced to ask me if I was alright. I couldn't remember what happened next that time but when I opened my eyes, I was in our school hospital. She was sitting on my right in a chair, looking at me worriedly.

My shirt was opened, my manly nipples were revealing and shining, I felt urgent emergency to cover myself with my shirt. It was so embarrassing for me. It was my first time in life that any girl saw me in that state.

She too felt hesitated then to ease my shameful pain, she asked me with her sweet smile that 'are you alright '. She was looking so cute then I could not saw her eye to eye but nodded with affirmation like a sincere kid. Then she explained what happened later on to filled up the blank gaps, I was fainted from the exhaustion of that day, she and my friends cared me to our school hospital.

After that day, we spent more valuable times in festivals, sports, picnics or any kinds of teamwork but we both managed somehow never to experienced any intimacy although we were a good friends in our needs or others.

Later on, I knew why... because she was in love with her older brother's friend, Brian. He was married, he married after his graduation with his childhood sweetheart but it didn't ended in there so normally with sadness for me.

Every single day I tried my best be loved by her, worked hard just to be liked by her but she was secretly in love with him. To that man who never cared for her, not for a second.

Time was passing by just like that, without any happiness of love, without her I didn't even cared to see anyone, for some reason I couldn't make myself to fall for someone else. It's not that she was very beautiful or anything but still the reason to me is unknown.

Then one of the winter gay night, she called me after 2.40 am, I couldn't forget that night's desperation in her voice. She called me to seek help from me, she had an accident and Brian was with her. She was crying, sobbing continuously but couldn't make herself louder. I couldn't understand half of her words when she called me and requested me to come and save them because he was severely injured.

She couldn't finished her words before the phone lost the signal probably it was damaged too.

As far as I know both of them didn't have any car or motor vehicle then, shhhhh, bad luck. What makes them to see each other at this time of hours? I was wondering the whole time when I was driving my car.

I tried to remember where was she said last time she was going to. I couldn't remember she said it then I tried my gps to find her location, thanks to God that she atleast had a smartphone. I checked her location from where she called me last time and confirmed with her operator about her location when I finally reached to her, she was lying on the street, heavily damaged and Brian's face was smacked by something heavy and that heavy thing, I later discovered, it was a car.

For some reason, a car driver, riding the car in much more higher speeds than usual. Stopped suddenly and at that time from the back of the car truck was coming too in high speed because it's after middle of the night, no one should be out here to slow him down. Sudden unexpected stopped car made him rushed into the car to rolled over them whilst they were talking with each other and left them alone like that on the street. The truck driver didn't stopped his car to check it out in this middle of winter night but to ran away and leave them there. The smashed car I saw on the roadside before probably it was that who killed Brian.

When I came to Yuna, her face was covered with blood, her broken ribs coughing out her blood, she lost all her strength to hold a mobile phone. Winter and windy weather made the losing the signal and phone survived the accident but slightly broken.

She was holding her belly and crying, coughing out blood infront of me but I was shocked to see her desperate agony for survival and at that state I couldn't take her to my car to make her inspired with hope of living. She was saying something but I couldn't bear her pain then I managed to realised that she was saying she was pregnant with Brian's child and they wanted to be here alone for the last time before she was leaving this town.

Brian could not encouraged her to get an abortion but offered her a life with him to somewhere far from here where his wife could not find her and their child.

She could not stop her tears from falling, she could not even stop her coughing just wishing to save the baby of her love of life who just died by the car, lying over the road with the face that no one could recognize him. Atleast then he was safe, safer than ever before and Yuna and his child coming soon to join him. I couldn't bear the thought that how beautifully arranged tragic love that was.

Anger on to my fate, hatred of the situation, agony of my limitations, despair towards them made me sympathise with my state.

I hold her to my arms till she joined him in heaven. This kind of lovers should be in heaven that's how I believe. God would not be the villain enough to send the to hell who died in such a painful death.

I was not in me when I was seeing her painful death infront of me. I couldn't help myself to feel less worse than I was. I called hospital ambulance and police station to report about the horrible incident just happened, waited until they arrived because I didn't want her to leave there alone anymore.

Police informed me that the car was a rental. They rented it for two days to drove out. Brian was driving the car.

The police guessed Brian perhaps stopped car in the middle of the road because it was a winter night and he thought no one could come here, he didn't expected the truck in full speed might come here to smashed it.

I couldn't think of anything rather than Yuan's face. With heavy heart and empty hands, I returned back to my house. At the 5 A.M. in the morning, I was seeing the sunrise without her in my life, couldn't believe that. Just the day before we studied long time in our library, then I was went to shopping with her, had a lunch then drop her back to her place but she never said a single word to me about her pregnancy. I realised that the sun became blurry to me, it's time to get back to my life, that day was our last final exam of the year and before that she was gone.

I changed my mind not to sleep away my time without Abatha but to join her in her grand dinner arrangement.

She is lovely as ever can be, keeping me warm by her lively conversations. Her interest on politics alarmed me about something, people with prayers and dreams go nowhere unless they do something about it. Her enthusiasm for music brought me here. We discussed about our lesson plans and time schedule then said goodnight to each other.

Day by day, she is taking over my mind. I can't believe that I can't think anything without her. She becomes everything I ever need in life. I never felt like this before. I have to see her every day, I want to hear her more, love to obey her wishes. I don't know what is going on with me. Her youth still need to catch up with her but still I am addicted to her, is it love or something else? Or am I simply wanted to replace Yuan that desperately.