Difficulty in Letting Go

At that dear, familiar voice, Zhao Shuang turned to see a beautiful woman entering the room.

Poised and endlessly noble, Empress Ning was in her early forties but looked to be much younger. Her usual solemn expression was softened by the smile settled on her lips. And her phoenix headdress and the long palace dress she wore, a woven masterpiece of fresh spring green, completed the awe-inspiring image of the mother of the world.

Putting down her teacup, Zhao Shuang stood up and gave a deep bow. "Greetings to Your Majesty."

Empress Ning stopped to stare at her for a moment, before sighing once more.

"Shuang'er, there's no need to be this formal when it's just the two of us," the empress gently chided while helping her up. Then, her gaze sharpened. "Now, tell imperial mother the truth, is it Hao'er again?"

A helpless smile settled on Zhao Shuang's lips as she brought the empress to sit down with her. "Your Majesty, I haven't seen Brother Hao at all this last week."

Despite this, Empress Ning's face still darkened.

"That boy... You're already twenty, and he still hasn't agreed to marry! But don't worry, Shuang'er, imperial mother will have a serious talk with him later today." She patted Zhao Shuang's hand, a fierce light gleaming in her eyes. "By this Hundred Blossom Meet, this empress promises that you will officially become the crown prince's fiancée."

Zhao Shuang's throat tightened, tears stinging her eyes. She quickly lowered her head to blink them away.

The empress had said these same words in her past life...overflowing with a love that she didn't deserve.

She'd been so twisted with hatred, using this wonderful woman who'd taken her under her wing and protected her so many times for her revenge. Even involving her in her struggles against that fake Zhao Luan, ultimately poisoning their relationship beyond repair.

And now, she would have to take advantage of her kindness once again, to save her real sister.

"Shuang'er? What's wrong?"

Startled, she looked up. Empress Ning was gazing intently at her, concern wrinkling her brows. Zhao Shuang forced a reassuring smile to settle on her lips.

"It's nothing, Your Majesty." She gave the empress's hand a gentle tug, her eyes glimmering with a quiet warmth. "Shuang'er was just overwhelmed by Your Majesty's care for this lowly girl."

Empress Ning smiled a bit sadly, bringing her other hand to cradle Zhao Shuang's cheek. "Shuang'er, imperial mother has already told you before, I love you as my own." Her face brightened. "And when you finally marry Hao'er, you will really be my daughter."

Zhao Shuang's smile didn't waver this time as she nodded at the empress. But her throat had tightened again, until it was too painful to even speak.

'Shuang'er is sorry, imperial mother,' she thought, half-listening as Empress Ning began talking about the preparations for the upcoming Hundred Blossom Meet. 'Be it in this life or the past, Shuang'er was never fated to be your daughter. It was only my selfish actions that brought us together, and gave me the honor of spending those wonderful years under your care.'

And would now bring them apart once more.

Zhao Shuang gripped the empress's hand a little more firmly, that refined yet gentle voice washing over her in the midst of explaining the event's special menu. It was going to be much harder than she'd thought to let go of this hand, of this second mother she'd gained but hadn't appreciated.

There was even a dark, little voice at the back of her mind, tempting to her to just forget everything she'd planned. To go down her previous life's path once more, but with her knowledge of the future.

With it, she was sure to be the winner this time.

The corners of her lips curled up in self-mockery. It seems her resolve wasn't as strong as she'd thought.

"And this year's theme will be 'rebirth and renewal'," Empress Ning was saying at this moment, attracting her attention from her twisting thoughts. "Isn't it rather poetic, Shuang'er?"

Her tone, however, suggested the empress herself didn't think so.

Zhao Shuang picked up her teacup, hiding the knowing tilt to her lips. "Which imperial concubine suggested it, Your Majesty?"

"It's that Concubine Xue this time." Empress Ning let out an exasperated sigh. "Apparently, His Majesty thinks very highly of her poetry skills."

Zhao Shuang took a long sip of tea, shifting through her memories for this Concubine Xue. When she finally remembered, her eyebrows raised. Ah, no wonder.

At this point in time, Concubine Xue was the most favored concubine of the emperor. She was a simple yet tremendously beautiful village woman, brought into the palace by the emperor himself a few years ago. But other than having to be more mindful when dealing with this concubine, she wasn't at all a threat to Empress Ning.

The real source of the empress's vexation was that this Concubine Xue excessively resembled the deceased Noble Consort Yan - the emperor's white moonlight¹.

Needless to say, this had always been a thorn in the empress's heart, a topic to better steer clear from.

"Speaking of the rebirth of spring, why don't we go for a stroll in the imperial gardens, Your Majesty?" Zhao Shuang gave her an imploring look. "It's sure to be a magnificent sight at this time of year, and Shuang'er hasn't been there for some time."

Empress Ning agreed with a smile, the slight crease on her forehead swiftly melting away.

Seeing this, Zhang-mama began to arrange everything for their departure. Something as simple as the empress leaving her palace required many servants to accompany her, not only to serve her but to display the grandeur afforded to her rank.

Fifteen minutes later, they were ready. Zhao Shuang followed behind the empress as they led a large procession of servants out of her residence. Walking through the grand corridors, they met many of the emperor's other wives, whom the empress barely glanced at. She, however, made sure to greet them according to their ranks.

Soon, they finally arrived at the deepest part of the inner palace: the imperial gardens.

In early spring, they were at their most beautiful, bursting with rare flowers found almost nowhere else in the nation.

After dismissing a few low-ranked concubines, Empress Ning took Zhao Shuang by the elbow and walked with her through the flourishing gardens. A nostalgic smile spread on her lips as she paused them in front of a section filled with brilliant purple irises.

"Shuang'er, do you remember the first gift you gave this empress?"

Zhao Shuang chuckled. "How could this subject forget, Your Majesty? That was the first time this subject had ever painted in front of such a large crowd, not to mention in front of Your Majesties."

She could still remember how nervous she'd been that day. Barely sixteen, she had attended the empress's birthday banquet for the first time. And as her gift, she'd painted an enormous field of lifelike irises in front of all the guests, using a special dye concocted by her.

Empress Ning touched one of the violet petals with a fond smile. "But you did it with such ease, Shuang'er, as if you weren't nervous at all." A dreamy sigh. "And this empress can still remember that miraculous sight: numerous butterflies suddenly appearing in the middle of autumn, landing on the painted flowers like they were truly real."

"It was simply a miracle to bless Your Majesty's special day," Zhao Shuang lightly said as they started walking once again. But there was a hidden sparkle in her eyes; the truth was the special dye she'd used was made from various fragrant flowers, their combined scent very alluring to butterflies.

It'd been the final touch to complete that particular performance, to silence any people still doubting if someone like her was fit to be the crown princess.

Empress Ning only gave a vague smile in response.

Zhao Shuang also kept silent. Instead, she looked over the passing rows of exotic flowers with her own half-smile. It was more than likely the empress had known all along about such little tricks.

Like that, they strolled about the imperial gardens for the rest of the morning, sometimes in a comfortable silence, sometimes stopping to chat or reminisce about old times.

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At noon, Empress Ning and Zhao Shuang had a scrumptious lunch in Lotus Dream Pavilion, at the very center of the imperial gardens. The clear waters of a lake bordered three sides of the pavilion, blooming lotus flowers floating on its surface. It was a beautiful and tranquil place, reserved only for the highest-ranking members of the palace.

Once they were finished and their servants had retreated to a safe distance, Zhao Shuang finally began to approach her true objective for entering the palace.

"Your Majesty, since this Hundred Blossom Meet will be more special than usual," her smile was appropriately bright, "will the emperor be attending?"

Empress Ning lowered the lid of her teacup with a resonant clink as she frowned at Zhao Shuang from across the large table. "His Majesty will most probably be enjoying the event privately with Concubine Xue."

Zhao Shuang stiffened a little. That was not what she'd intended.

Before the empress's mood could worsen, she hurriedly went on: "Then what about esteemed empress dowager, Your Majesty? Brother Hao would certainly be happy if Her Majesty attended this time."

At the mention of her darling son, Empress Ning's face smoothened once more. But she still shook her head.

"That's a wonderful idea, Shuang'er, but imperial mother is unfortunately ill at the moment." Empress Ning took a sip of tea before continuing in a somber tone, "Her health hasn't been well these past two months and none of the physicians know what to do. Even His Majesty is worried this time."

Zhao Shuang's eyes shone, but she quickly schooled her face into its usual aloof mask. This was what she'd been waiting for, nothing could ruin it.

"Your Majesty, Shuang'er has another idea that might not help esteemed empress dowager directly, but it could at least soothe Their Majesties' hearts."

Her voice was slow yet confident, treading carefully. If the empress dismissed her, it wouldn't be easy to continue her plan.

Empress Ning was silent for a few moments before saying, "Go on, Shuang'er."

Zhao Shuang let out a sigh before she began speaking in that same measured tone:

"To alleviate His Majesty's heart and bring some comfort to esteemed empress dowager, Your Majesty should send one of the princesses to pray at Tianshen Temple for Her Majesty's health." She paused for a moment, letting her words sink in. "What does Your Majesty think of this?"

She held her breath, as silence settled in the pavilion. Empress Ning's eyebrows were creased once more but this time in deep thought. Her heart pounded in a slowed rhythm, thumping loudly in her ears with each heavy beat.

Most of her current plan to save Zhao Luan relied on Her Majesty's answer.

Then, eventually, Empress Ning nodded. "Another excellent idea, Shuang'er. But there aren't any princesses this empress finds suitable for it." Her smile became a little strange. "Why doesn't Shuang'er make this trip on this empress's behalf, then?"

Zhao Shuang's eyes widened. She hadn't thought it'd be that easy, especially considering that Tianshen Temple was considered to be the "nation's sacred ground".

The temple was constructed when the nation was first founded, more than a few centuries ago. According to the legends, it was due to this sincere display of worship that a deity, its name lost in time, had promised to protect their nation for the rest of its days.

Thus, it had long been considered to be a holy place, where only the Grandmaster, his apprentices, and the imperial family were allowed to enter.

But as was evident by the empress's flippant attitude, religious sentiment had mostly faded as time passed, and the nation's power and prosperity grew...

Then, the answer flashed in her mind, of course! The only eligible princess, with enough status to make the trip to the mysterious Tianshen Temple, was Princess Yahui².

The daughter of that same Noble Consort Yan, the emperor's most favored princess.

According to etiquette, however, she still had to make an attempt to decline: "Your Majesty, Shuang'er is honored by your consideration, but it wouldn't be appropriate."

Empress Ning waved her concerns away with a dismissive hand. "With the approval of this empress, you may safely enter."

Then, without waiting for a reply, she ordered Zhang-mama to come forward and present her medallion to Zhao Shuang. Less than five minutes later, it was sitting in her hands, heavy and shining and inscribed with the symbol of the empress - a nine-tailed phoenix.

Zhao Shuang stared at it for a few moments, speechless. The empress's hatred for the deceased consort must be greater than she'd realized...

"Don't worry, Shuang'er. There have been many instances where people approved by high-ranking royals have been allowed to enter." Empress Ning smiled warmly at her. "And this will be a great opportunity to further solidify your position as the future crown princess."

She nodded, once again having to force a smile. But despite the roiling of her stomach, Zhao Shuang steeled herself. Regardless of her regrets, she had to remember the past was the past, and this was a new life.

A precious chance to fix everything. But one that would require necessary sacrifices.

"Thank you imperial mother." Zhao Shuang studied the empress's face, engraving her features in her mind. "For everything."

Empress Ning laughed with another careless wave of her hand, not paying her any mind.

With a rueful sigh, she pocketed the medallion. But mere seconds later, Zhao Shuang's head jerked upwards, scanning the pavilion's roof with careful eyes.

She could've sworn to have heard the scuffle of footsteps on the rooftop just now. Had someone been spying on them?

But even when expanding her inner energy³ to the surroundings, Zhao Shuang couldn't detect any strange presences. Whoever had been there was long gone by now.

And truly skilled, to have avoided her notice for so long.

"Ah, Shuang'er, this empress forgot to ask earlier: what are your plans for your future performance?"

Turning back to Empress Ning with a soft smile, she pushed the matter to the back of her mind. There would be time to deal with it later.

Right now, it was more important to enjoy these last precious moments with Her Majesty.

Because when she returned from her trip, everything would change. For good.

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¹white moonlight: A phrase referring to someone you long for but cannot obtain. Always in your heart, remaining forever beautiful and unblemished. Can be a first love at times.

²Princess Yahui (雅慧): A title. Ya (雅) means 'elegant, graceful, refined' while hui (慧) means 'intelligent, bright'.

³Internal energy (内力 nèilì) (內劲 nèijìn) – also called Inner Energy, Internal Strength, Internal Power, or Internal Force. The cultivated energy within a martial artist's body. Utilizing it, a martial artist can accomplish superhuman feats of speed, agility, strength, endurance, etc... It can even be used to heal wounds and nullify poisons. (Source: immortalmountain. wordpress. com/glossary/%20wuxia-xianxia-xuanhuan-terms)

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Ranks in the Palace:

(Loosely based on the ranking found in To Be a Virtuous Wife, which is a mix and match of different eras)

- Empress

- Noble Consorts

- Consorts

- Concubines

- Numerous lower ranks