Remorse and Reconciliation

Zhao Shuang whipped a desperate glance about the room, searching for a place to hide. Her face lit up when she caught sight of a large pearwood wardrobe.

In mere seconds, she had flown across the room. Zhao Shuang opened the wardrobe as fast as she could and crawled inside.

Just as she closed it, allowing a small crack for her to see, the doors finally opened.

With powerful steps, Feng Hao strode into the room in all of his crown prince glory, his bright yellow¹ robes flowing around him.

But unlike the charming smile that usually softened his sharp features, she could see he had a sombre expression as he stopped in the middle of the room.

He looked around him for a few minutes, before his gaze dropped to the rather shabby hairpin held tightly in his hand.

There were even hints of longing in the way he caressed the little flowers at its end.

Her eyes narrowed, that hairpin looked familiar. Where had she seen it before?

Images of her real sister and the fake Zhao Luan wearing that same hairpin suddenly flashed in her mind. The only reason she remembered was because she'd always found it strange Zhao Luan would choose to wear such an inferior piece, even in public.

'But why does Feng Hao have it?'

Zhao Shuang's hands balled into fists as a vague idea started to form. But she gave her head a little shake, and focused on observing Feng Hao.

He was still staring at the hairpin, his fingertips brushing over it again and again.

For a long moment, that was all he did. Just as she felt her heart was about to burst from her chest, he called out in surprise:

"Teacher? What are you doing here?"

Zhao Shuang stiffened as footsteps crossed the room in mere moments. A man dressed in flowing white robes appeared next to Feng Hao, his back to her.

"Forgive this subject, Your Highness, but there is an urgent matter to be discussed."

As the room fell silent, her eyes fixed on that rather familiar back. 'Feng Hao directly called him Teacher²...so it has to be that person.'

Imperial Tutor of the Crown Prince³, Hua Yuan.

She never thought she'd be this close to him again, and especially not like this.

An upright and brilliant official, Hua Yuan had been made responsible to guide and teach the crown prince since Feng Hao turned six.

For this reason, he was the first person Zhao Shuang had approached in her quest to become Feng Hao's hidden support. Unlike other men would have in his position, he didn't dismiss her and instead allowed her to prove herself.

From then on, Hua Yuan had also become her unofficial teacher, educating her in all sorts of subjects. He shaped her into the perfect weapon, invisible to all of their enemies.

As well as easily disposable when no longer needed.

She would never forget how Hua Yuan never spoke up for her once her crimes were revealed in front of the Emperor. Some of which he'd supported her in committing.

Her heart throbbed. Out of all the people she'd lost in her past life, his abandonment had been even more painful than Feng Hao's. Especially since she understood and even agreed with his reasons for deserting her.

After all, no matter how dear she'd become to him, aiding Feng Hao was still his main responsibility.

"Teacher, before we go back to my palace, can I ask you something?"

Feng Hao's sudden question broke through her trance, dragging her back to the present. She blinked, they still hadn't left?

"Of course, Your Highness."

Feng Hao's gaze remained trained on the hairpin. "Is it absolutely necessary I marry her?"

His voice was flat and emotionless, as if he wasn't speaking about his own marriage. Zhao Shuang's fists tightened.

Hua Yuan sighed, in a way that indicated this was a recurring topic.

"Your Highness, this subject understands who your heart yearns for. But Langhua junzhu is not suitable to be your crown princess and hasn't been for nearly five years. Only by marrying Great General Zhao's remaining daughter can Your Highness finally gain the Zhao family's entire support."

Feng Hao spun to face his teacher, his jaw clenched. "But there's still a chance Ah Luan could be cured!"

Hua Yuan didn't look impressed. "And has Your Highness found a cure after all these years?"

A long moment passed before a reply finally came.

"No."

She flinched. Years of bitterness overflowed from that word alone.

The older man placed a hand on Feng Hao's shoulder, but didn't say anything else. They stood there for some time with a grim atmosphere in the air.

As for Zhao Shuang, her knuckles had long turned white from how hard she was squeezing her fists. Her ears were ringing, and for some reason, she wanted to laugh.

So, all along, Feng Hao had been truly in love with Zhao Luan?

It was all so clear now.

Why he had dragged their marriage until she was almost too old, pampered that fake Zhao Luan to ridiculous degrees, and hated her so fiercely when he discovered what she'd done.

Gritting her teeth, Zhao Shuang forced back tears for the second time that day.

She didn't deserve to feel even an ounce of hurt, not when it'd been her who caused such deep wounds to fester inside him.

"I know you're right, Teacher. Even when we managed to find a Divine Doctor for Ah Luan, it was useless," Feng Hao said in a low voice, bringing her attention back to them. "It was just me being selfish and not wanting to face reality."

He laughed then, the sound much heavier than usual, and pressed the hairpin to his lips.

Then, he crushed thoroughly it.

The broken pieces clattered to the floor as Feng Hao looked at his mentor with resolve burning in his eyes.

"You can put your worries to rest, Teacher. On the day of the Hundred Blossom Meet, I will follow my Imperial Mother's request and announce my engagement to Second Miss Zhao."

Hua Yuan allowed his hand to fall, a satisfied smile on his lips as he regarded his most precious student.

"What's most important is that Your Highness has finally let go of the knot in your heart."

Feng Hao only nodded with a tight-lipped smile. With that, they left the room while discussing a current problem in the court, their voices drifting further and further away into nothingness.

The ensuing silence draped over Zhao Shuang like a thick blanket, smothering the air out of her.

Not only did she steal what was meant to be her sister's life, she had also harmed the one man she might have loved by practically forcing him to marry her.

Just what kind of person was she? To blame all of her life's unfairness on her own sister, to punish her for something that was never her fault? And to even drag unrelated people like Feng Hao and Empress Ning and even her teacher into the mess she'd created just so she could satisfy her thirst for revenge?

Blood slowly seeped from her fists, as she closed her eyes in an attempt to ward off the dizziness that threatened to overwhelm her. She drew small, quick breaths, and forced herself to focus on the silver lining in all this.

This is a new life, Zhao Shuang. There is still time to fix everything.

Gradually calming down, she opened her eyes. But before attempting to get out, she checked the surrounding areas once more.

Zhao Shuang exhaled in relief. They were gone, good.

She eased the wooden doors open, careful not to make a sound, and slipped out of the wardrobe. Brushing the dust that had gathered on her dress, she walked to a mirror hanging on the wall and focused on restoring her appearance.

Once she was done, she examined her reflection.

In the mirror stood a beautiful young woman. Her eyes were bright and her skin glowed. She wore a lovely dress, embroidered with elegant blue and white lotuses. The translucent sash wrapped around her waist outlined her slender form perfectly. And her hairstyle was simple, decorated only with a silver Luan bird buyao⁴ that shook with her every graceful movement.

Lofty and icily pure, like a solitary snow lotus growing on a cliff.

She gently stroked the coppery surface. How she had disdained this appearance of hers, beautiful but nothing remarkable before Zhao Luan's flawless looks.

The woman in the mirror suddenly smiled at her, a real smile this time.

Then, with a twirl, she left, her every step away from the Eastern Palace leaving her lighter than before.

❄️

Rain pattered on the roof of the Zhao family's carriage as it meandered through the bustling streets of the capital city, its spacious interior filled with a tense atmosphere.

Xiang Lan and He Ying were seated on one side, talking in low voices. Every now and then they looked at their mistress, reclined against downy cushions across from them, seemingly asleep.

These past few days, the young miss had been acting rather strange. She'd often get lost in thought, a faraway look in her eyes as if she wasn't completely there. She had even started rewarding them for the littlest of tasks, and no longer looked as annoyed whenever they bickered.

And just this morning, she had dropped the explosive news that she was no longer aiming to become the crown princess!

Darting another look at her mistress, He Ying whispered, "Sister Lan, why do you think the young miss is suddenly stopping her plans?"

"I'm not sure." Xiang Lan's brows were creased. "Even with Her Majesty, the young miss was acting strange."

"How so?"

"There was something...peculiar about her gaze. Like she hadn't seen Her Majesty in a long time. At several times it even seemed the young miss wanted to cry."

"Cry?" He Ying echoed, eyes wide. "Are you certain, Sister Lan? Because I haven't seen the young miss shed a tear since she was a child."

Xiang Lan pursed her lips. "I'm confident in what I saw, He Ying." She looked over at the young miss with a sigh. "I just wish I knew what is causing her to act like this."

He Ying bit her lip, nodding. "Me too."

Silence fell over them after that, each with their own thoughts. From outside, the lively ambience of the streets seeped into the carriage, a complete contrast to their current moods.

Then, in an even softer voice, He Ying spoke up once more.

"Sister Lan...what will you do about the young miss's offer?" She swallowed thickly. "Are you thinking of leaving with her?"

Xiang Lan shot her a severe glance, her frown deepening. "My answer is only for the young miss, He Ying. Yours should too."

Wringing her hands, He Ying dropped her gaze to the carpeted floor, cheeks blazing. The silence that followed was even louder than the one before.

It was at this moment that Zhao Shuang opened her eyes, meeting Xiang Lan's gaze. This caused her to murmur an apology for 'waking her up' while He Ying didn't dare look up.

Slowly, she sat up against the cushions. Her gaze hovered over each of them for some time, before she cleared her throat, hands clasped at her lap.

"I apologize for putting you both in a difficult situation this morning," Zhao Shuang began, her face shrouded in a veil of calmness. She held up a hand to silence their protests, continuing, "I have no expectations for either of you to follow me. Therefore, feel free to express any requests you have. I give my word to make the necessary arrangements for whatever you decide."

She cleared her throat again, to clear it of a sudden thickness.

"Even if you wish to serve my sister when she returns, I will not hold it against you."

Like this morning, her words had an adverse effect on He Ying and Xiang Lan. But other than the slightly faster thumping of her heart, more anticipatory than anything, she wasn't as restless as before.

She had already come to terms with their parting. Even if they were her servants, it was unfair to ask them to leave everything they'd ever known for a world far more unsafe and unpredictable than the Great General Manor.

But it still felt like an eternity had passed when, surprisingly, Xiang Lan spoke up first.

"Young miss...this servant has served you since you first came to the Zhao family, when you were only a few years younger than this servant." Her eyes, unlike usual, were bright with emotion. "But despite the Master's and Old Madam's neglect and the bullying from the side branches, young miss has always been strong, and endured what no one else could."

Xiang Lan paused, taking a deep breath as if gathering all her courage for her next words.

"If...if there is anyone I trust to follow for the rest of my life, it would be you."

Dumbfounded, she could only stare at Xiang Lan's slightly blushing face.

She wanted to reach out and thank her, to tell her how grateful she felt, but the words lodged in her throat.

In the end, she only managed a small nod at her.

Zhao Shuang turned to He Ying next, who was still looking down at the floor. In a shaky voice, she started once "Young miss..." before trailing off.

Then, she blurted out in a rush: "This servant wishes to remain at the Great General Manor!"

The air became still for a few moments as He Ying, flushed, lowered her face once more. At the side, Xiang Lan had reverted back to her usual stony self, showing no reaction to her counterpart's words.

Zhao Shuang eventually nodded, but only after having wiped every thought and emotion from her face.

He Ying had always been bright and bubbly, lightly teasing her or making small comments even when she didn't reply. But she was also someone who easily got anxious, preferring to remain where she felt safest.

It shouldn't be a surprise she was unwilling to exchange a secure future for an uncertain one.

Yet...

She smothered the heaviness that weighed down her heart, and reassured He Ying with a few empty words. Then, Zhao Shuang turned to the side, and closed her eyes, this time falling asleep for real.

❄️

The next time she woke up, yanked from another nightmare, it was due to the carriage's violent stop. Zhao Shuang hurtled forward, only to be pushed back into the pillows by her maids' gentle hands.

He Ying wouldn't meet her eyes, however.

"What happened?" she asked calmly, smoothing down the wrinkles in her dress. The question was solely directed at Xiang Lan this time.

"This servant is not sure, young miss. Let this servant ask Lin Feng." Xiang Lan curtsied and exited the carriage before she could remind her not to call herself "this servant" in front of her anymore.

Zhao Shuang let out a helpless sigh, that girl probably wouldn't change her habits so easily. At least not until they left the Zhao family.

Then, she looked at He Ying once again. She was studiously avoiding her gaze, playing with a worn handkerchief on her lap. Her eyes softened at the sight; after sleeping on it, she was no longer as unreasonably hurt as before.

"He Ying, I am not mad at you. Even now, I still consider you my sister as much as Xiang Lan."

Zhao Shuang placed an awkward hand on one of He Ying's shoulders, nodding when He Ying peeked up at her from under her bangs.

Then with a slight quirk of her lips, too small to really be called a smile, she attempted to make her laugh: "I'm sure that one of the reasons you don't want to leave the Great General Manor is because of the crush you have on Lin Feng."

"Young miss! He might hear you!" He Ying squeaked, finally dropping that damn handkerchief to cover her reddening cheeks. But the bright sparkle in her eyes seemed to indicate that, at least, she was no longer fearful of her.

Zhao Shuang let out a chuckle. "It seems I was right. You do have a crush on Lin-mama's son."

Before He Ying could deny it, however, Xiang Lan had already reentered the carriage with a deep frown. Zhao Shuang's face became serious as well.

"Young miss, due to the weather, the horses were spooked which caused our carriage to bump into another one. This servant has asked the other party's coachman if there is anything we can do to compensate them, but..." Xiang Lan hesitated for a second, "their master demanded for you to come and personally apologize."

Then, she looked at her expectantly: "What does the young miss plan to do?"

Zhao Shuang tapped a slow beat against her knee, a hint of ice in the smile now curling her lips.

"Did the coachman tell you their master's identity?"

He Ying flinched at her tone, while Xiang Lan shook her head.

"No, young miss. He ignored this servant and kept insisting for the young miss to come out."

Zhao Shuang didn't ask any more questions, as she reached out and lifted the curtain shielding them from the outside.

They were in a deserted road, away from the center of the capital. Not far from them stood an ordinary-looking carriage. It was a little larger than normal, but at first glance, there was nothing to suggest its master was someone of high status.

Her eyes sharpened as she leaned forward to examine it more closely.

The wood used to make the carriage had to be the rarely seen Cloud Jade Wood - no other type would have that lustre. As for the curtain hanging over the door, its colors were dull but the embroidery was of the highest quality, similar to the work of the palace seamstresses. And the cloth, if her guess was accurate, should be a tribute from one of Tianshen's vassal kingdoms.

To use such precious materials for a simple carriage was something unimaginable for most people.

Unless...they were related to the imperial family, that is.

In a few minutes, Zhao Shuang had reached this astonishing conclusion. She cursed under her breath, today had not been an auspicious day at all.

"Let's go, Xiang Lan. This person is not someone we can afford to offend."

Once outside, the smell of rain and the cold air assaulted her almost instantly. But thankfully, as she made her way to the other carriage, it was no longer raining.

Zhao Shuang stopped when she was half a meter away. But Xiang Lan came closer, calling out to the haughty coachman that her mistress was here.

The coachman flicked a careless glance over them, before moving his ear to the curtain. When he faced them once more his gaze had become even more arrogant.

"Now that the young miss is here, my master hopes you can apologize for causing such a scare to their noble person." His lips twisted in a smug grin. "If the young miss is sincere enough, then my master will not press any charges."

Zhao Shuang didn't look at him as she directed her next words to the person hidden inside the carriage.

"This young miss wishes to know the identity of this noble personage before lowering myself. Otherwise, this young miss isn't certain to be as sincere as the master desires."

A light laugh, like the tinkling of bells, floated from the carriage. The curtain was suddenly lifted halfway, revealing a dainty chin and a pair of red lips curved in a dazzling smile.

"Since Miss Zhao is so amusing, I will reveal my identity to you: Princess Rongle⁵."

Princess Rongle....how could it be her?!

❄️

¹During the Ming and Qing Dynasties, Beijing became the capital city, and the color yellow became the exclusive color for the imperial family. Ordinary people were not allowed to wear yellow. (Source: http://en.minghui.org/html/articles/2008/2/11/94247.html)

²The fact that Feng Hao calls HY so informally is important. As well as the fact he always refers to himself as 'I' when speaking to HY.

³From what I managed to understand from various Google Translated websites (no info in English, sadly), there were three important teachers for the Crown Prince at some point in history (the dynasty wasn't specified). These positions were originally high-ranking, and the officials appointed also maintained their original positions (i.e. other parts in the government).

To make things simpler, however, in this story there will only be one main Imperial Tutor in charge of the rest of the Crown Prince's teachers, responsible for guiding his studies and his general development.

⁴buyao (步搖): A type of hair ornament. It literally means 'step shake'. The ornament sways when the wearer walks, hence the name. It can be simple or elaborate in design or size.

⁵Princess Rongle (荣乐): A title that means 'glorious happiness'. (Source: I first saw this as the title of a princess in Poison Genius Consort, a CNovel, and thought its meaning fit the status of this character.)

❄️

Names:

Hua Yuan (华远): Hua (华) is a surname meaning 'magnificent, splendid, illustrious', Yuan (远) means 'distant, remote; profound'.